DD is 3 and in the process of being diagnosed with ASD. She has slept through the night a handful of times in her life and has an elaborate routine that takes at least 45 mins before she can drop off in the first place. She won't accept anyone but me doing it with her. When she wakes during the night (usually once or twice but sometimes up to five times) she's very upset and flapping but I simply lay her back down and rest my hand on her in silence and she'll calm and go back to sleep. I've explained to DP how I get her back to sleep a hundred times but he persists on doing it 'his way.'
Despite me explaining that the worst thing in the world to do is keep talking to and touching her when she's upset, he keeps repeating her name, telling her to be quiet and trying to cuddle her or get in bed with her. She then goes from light crying when he enters the room to absolute hysteria within a minute. She'd actually be less upset if alone. She screams like she's under attack and he keeps telling her to stop, saying she won't get to do whatever I have planned with her the next day, that she'll lose her pocket money, that she'll have to go and sleep downstairs, that she'll have her favourite toys removed the next day and so on.
Last night she woke as I was feeding baby DS at midnight. DP went to her and she was Hysterical within a minute. He mentioned all the above consequences and got her so upset that she ran into a corner of her room away from him and just kept screaming at him to go away. She is ill at the moment with a cold, ear infection and chicken pox so she has plenty of reason to wake other than ASD.
I somehow managed to settle DS despite DDs screaming and then went to DD but it took an hour to calm her down. She woke again and 2 and again he started threatening to put her downstairs etc and her upset increased hugely. None of us got any decent sleep all night but he can sneak a nap today in his office (self employed.) I, on the other hand, have two poorly children to care for on no sleep and he will expect me to back him up with removing her favourite toys.
Am I being unreasonable to think it's mean to threaten consequences in these circumstances, to not enforce them and to be really pissed off that he acts bewildered about why she gets so upset then Ignores me explaining how I avoid it?
AIBU?
to be cross at DP threatening consequences I won't enforce on night waking DD?
JustCleo · 15/03/2016 07:22
Obviously, he shouldn't be winding her up.
However I do also think her routine needs looking at a second time (and before anyone jumps down my throat I do know ASD believe me) but it isn't fair on you apart from anything else 
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
My son has just turned 4 (mostly NT as far as I know, but some speech delay and fine motor issues) and used to have night terrors when he was younger. He would go to bed like an absolute dream, literally running to his bedroom when asked and would even turn off the light and settle himself off to sleep.
But then about 90mins later, he'd be screaming hysterically like a banshee and it was actually quite scary. I, like you, realised words were useless and it was best to just hold his hand and let the storm pass. This would only take about 10-15 mins on average but felt like hours.
My DH reacted similarly to yours, but without the threatening/consequences. (I do think that's a bit mean of your DH, it's hardly a 'game' for your DD)
He would actually panic and get upset seeing DS cry, and would start randomly promising him anything from chocolate to soft play to get him to stop, which just caused everything to escalate. I would tell him repeatedly not to say anything, nor to grab DS in a pointless bear hug as it just made things worse but he didn't seem to listen.
I tried to understand his POV, that he hated seeing DS distressed etc. but it was just so bloody annoying that I would literally sprint to get to him at any night wakings just so I knew it would be dealt with minus the drama.
Eventually, I lost my temper and said that as I dealt with DS the wide majority of the time, he needed to STFU and do as I asked (no, not my finest or most mature way of communicating 
) as tbh it was really making things more stressful for all of us. He did really try, but luckily DS grew out of it a little while later.
How is your relationship in general? Are you able to sit down and maybe talk about your strategies in managing your DD? This sounds really tough and I seriously empathise, my DH and I probably spent the past 2 years arguing over how best to parent our little man, and it's actually impossible to 'talk about this kind of thing before you have kids' because none of us know exactly who our kids will be and what challenges we face!!
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