Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

1 2

AIBU?

Aibu to expect more of brother

28 replies

Winifredgoose · 13/03/2016 19:29

Today I was hosting my family for lunch. Both me and my sister have young children, but our brother in his 30s doesn't and is on his own. We don't see him that often(every few months) and today was a typical sequence of events.
I text him a week ago to see if he would like to come. He responds along the lines of 'thanks for inviting me, sounds nice, we'll see' . This is typical, and our mum says it's fair enough as he is young and if something comes up socially he is naturally going to want to go. I then hear nothing from him.
I text this morning to ask if he is coming. Nothing. My mum says he probably is, but not sure. We sit down to lunch just before one, and he knocks at the door. As he walks in, I say I wasn't whether he was coming. he says he wasn't going to but he had been out all night in an area near me, and thought he'd come on his way home. He sits down and, as always, eats an enormous lunch.
After lunch he chats for a few minutes then lie down flat on the floor with his eyes closed and goes to sleep. He, as always, seems to have no intention of actually socialising with us and our families.
After he has been asleep for an hour, me or my sister say something along the lines of 'are you going to wake up?' . he just keeps saying how tired he is. I then say that I think he is rude to always behave like this eg not letting me know if/when he is coming, turning up just before people are eating, then either leaving very shortly after or not engaging with us and going to sleep/on his computer. He left.
I feel terrible as I care about his lots, but just always feel hurt by his behaviour.
My mum thinks me and my sister are unreasonable, and should 'have some compassion on the poor man'. I feel like he is taking the piss, and is too old to behave like this. AIBU to feel like this.

OP posts:

Report

Winifredgoose · 13/03/2016 19:33

Sorry for all mistakes, I am on my phone.

OP posts:

Anniegetyourgun · 13/03/2016 19:35

Compassion? Is he suffering?

ihatethecold · 13/03/2016 19:36

How old is he?
Personally I think it's rude to not let someone know you are coming to dinner.

PommelandCantle · 13/03/2016 19:37

YANBU that is rude. Next time text him and say as I've not heard from you I've assumed you aren't coming and have not catered for you. If that happens a couple of times he might remember his manners. He's in his 30's, that's unacceptably rude.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 13/03/2016 19:37

He's very rude. And he's in his 30s. He's not 17.

PerryHatter · 13/03/2016 19:37

No, you're not BU. But stop inviting him. He's hardly there for the family occasion so what's the point of wanting him to come?

theycallmemellojello · 13/03/2016 19:40

Can you not talk to him about how you feel? It's probably not fair to keep complaining to your mum, who sounds like she's just trying to keep the peace.

ADsaremysalvation · 13/03/2016 19:40

I wouldn't have fed him. Either I know in advance or tough. How ever much I love someone, big meals need planning!

theycallmemellojello · 13/03/2016 19:41

Is it possible he really doesn't want to come and your mum has told him he has to?

Winifredgoose · 13/03/2016 19:43

She sees it that me and my sister are settled in our lives with families and that he is therefore vulnerable. Last time she came to see me and my brother popped over, she brought some snacks for him 'just in case he was hungry'. Me and my sister feel she allows him to behave in the way he does because of the way she treat him.

OP posts:

Winifredgoose · 13/03/2016 19:46

I don't think he does really want to come, and sees it that he doing us a favour by coming at all. I think it mainly for my mum he comes, and she is so pleased to see him at all, that she excuses his behaviour.
The problem is I am not his mum, and feel used by the way he acts.

OP posts:

PennyDropt · 13/03/2016 19:48

Really, he has a blissful, responsibility-free, idle, selfish, can-do-what-he-wants-when-he-wants life.

Leave him to it. He's fine.

Probably when he has a partner and DCs he will want to socialize with you. But he blatantly doesn't want to now, why are you trying to force it.

BirthdayBetty · 13/03/2016 19:49

Yanbu, he sounds like a man child, obviously your mum enables this.

PerettiChelsea · 13/03/2016 19:51

Sounds like teenage behaviour
Can't your mum see him at her house?

Winifredgoose · 13/03/2016 19:52

You are right pennydropt. The problem is that my mum always wants him there, and I don't want to exclude him.

OP posts:

theycallmemellojello · 13/03/2016 19:52

Hmm I think you're being a tiny bit unfair to your mum tbh. She's allowed to feel how she likes towards her son, and given that he is 30 she should not be held responsible for his behaviour. My mum brings me snacks sometimes, but I'm not horrible to my siblings. YANBU to be pissed off at him, but take that up with him directly, don't drag your mum into it.

Winifredgoose · 13/03/2016 19:56

Theycall, I guess it is just that she would never in a million years bring snacks just in case me or my sister were hungry(not that I'd want her to).

OP posts:

Winifredgoose · 13/03/2016 19:58

Also, I am not dragging her in to it. She is really angry with me and my sister as she feels we should just be pleased he came.

OP posts:

PommelandCantle · 13/03/2016 20:01

Maybe she needs to be reminded that he's not your son and you feel differently about his reluctant presence than she does. After all both you and you sister feel the same

Winifredgoose · 13/03/2016 20:04

I am so glad you don't think I am being totally unreasonable. I was feeling very guilty for telling him I felt he was rude. Thanks for replying.

OP posts:

Liara · 13/03/2016 20:12

Your mother is the problem, your brother the symptom.

I feel for you, as I have a sibling which is similar and for exactly the same reason.

All you can do is keep your distance.

roundaboutthetown · 13/03/2016 20:21

Either your mother knows something serious about his life and mental health that she hasn't shared with you, or she is being an idiot and teaching him how to be an utterly unappealing prospect for any future partner. Why on earth would he need snacks from her?! Does he have an eating disorder?

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

diddl · 13/03/2016 20:26

I wouldn't bother to invite him tbh.

If your mum wants to invite him when she hosts, that's up to her, of course.

He sounds very rude & I couldn't be doing with it.

ImperialBlether · 13/03/2016 20:27

She's treating your brother how the Catholic priests were treated in rural Ireland years ago! Just his very presence is enough. You are the ones at fault as you're not worshipping at the altar of your brother. Believe me, she'll cast you out sooner than she'll criticise him. I've no idea why women (it's usually women) behave like that.

Winifredgoose · 13/03/2016 20:29

Roundabout, he doesn't have a mental health problem or eating disorder. however, my mum is worried he doesnt have close friends or a girlfriend in this city, and therefore is happy for him not to commit to seeing us in case something comes up(there are a few groups he regularly socialises). I do understand this, and wouldnt have been bothered if he had cancelled at the last minute. It is more how he behaves when he is with us that upsets me.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.