Am I a rubbish daughter ?

(21 Posts)
Casper21 Sun 13-Mar-16 08:57:09

Long story short and a NC to protect myself. Sadly my mum, who is in her 80's had to have an emergency operation yesterday that resulted in the amputation of her leg above the knee in order to save her life. I have 2 dsis and 1 dbro. All us daughters live hundreds of miles away, while my brother lives about a 20 min drive from my mum. I have spoken to the hospital, my brother and my stepdad this morning. She is stable, but pretty out of it, and all agree that it is silly to rush down there as she isn't aware of anyone being there, but my oldest dsis thinks I'm a horrible, heartless daughter for not being able to drop everything( even though I want to its impossible) and Fly down to be with her. Not only do I really not have the means to do that as its not only flights but hotels etc but I also cannot just physically leave everything here and go. I am planning to drive down at Easter, hopefully she will be home then and I will be much more use than just the couple of hours visiting that I would be able to do while she is in hospital. My brother is in complete agreement with me as is my stepdad but my sister has completely raged at me, told me I'm a rubbish daughter and a horrible person, that I should be there to offer support to the family and said that she will never talk to me again if I don't go. We are usually really close and I know that she is devastated, scared for my mum and what will happen next, but so am I. I do want to go obviously but it really would benefit her more when she's home and I can be there to help then. I haven't spoken to my other sis as she is out of the country at the moment and due to ring tonight. I asked whether my oldest sister thought that she should jump on the next flight home and she said of course not ! AIBU.

MattDillonsPants Sun 13-Mar-16 09:01:10

YANBU. It's fine. I had this recently as my sister was in intensive care...at death's door and I live on the other side of the globe. I had SUCH guilt that I couldn't go....but I just dealt with it. Physical distance is nothing when it's your own Mother. She knows you love her...of course she does...but she's not even awake so you don't need to go.

Go at Easter. Send flowers when she's awake...card...phonecall.

MattDillonsPants Sun 13-Mar-16 09:03:16

My sister is on the mend now by the way and your Mum will be too.x

SmellOfPythonInTheMorning Sun 13-Mar-16 09:03:37

Is your DSIS going?

SmallBee Sun 13-Mar-16 09:06:57

YANBU, you are doing what you can. You can contact her every day if you like and be there for her emotionally. It will be of great help to not just your mum by also brother and step Dad to have you a bit later on as well, presumably your other sister will have gone back by then so overall you can both help for longer rather than all coming and leaving at once.

Glassofwineneeded Sun 13-Mar-16 09:08:17

You really will be so much use to your mum when she's going through physio, learning how to manage, and back at home. I would let your sister know that your plans are to visit at Easter as planned.
its great that your brother and dad are there to support your mum at the moment, keep in regular contact with them and the hospital.
Hope she makes a rapid recovery.

wheresthel1ght Sun 13-Mar-16 09:12:58

Is your dsis rushing to her bedside?

Frankly I think you would be far more use once she is home. The hospital will not want lots of people at her side as she will need to rest. She is going to need far more support once she is home and adjusting to disability

Casper21 Sun 13-Mar-16 09:19:17

Thank you everyone. My dsis is flying tomorrow and really just thinks that I should too.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 13-Mar-16 09:20:41

Your stepdad, brother and one sister are there already. It comes down to what you feel you want to do. If you can't make it until Easter that's how it is. Although this is ostensibly about your mother, it could be your sister needing your support.

If your mother is in a stable condition and you are phoning for updates I don't think your sister can call you heartless or whatever. Besides, in such a crisis, depending on how your mother thinks normally, when she is more aware, a sudden rush of relatives to the bedside might give her the idea that she's in a much more critical condition.

JenEric Sun 13-Mar-16 09:36:36

To be honest she is probably terrified and the reality is that SHE wants you there. All you can do is keep gently emphasising the fact that it's just not possible right now. Tell her when you are coming down and keep in touch with her. thanks hope your mum is ok

MattDillonsPants Sun 13-Mar-16 10:03:45

IF your sister is willing to pay for your flight and hotel and provide baby sitters then go. Otherwise ignore her and put it down to stress. I understand...it's very hard. I couldn't just whizz off home at the moment....I freelance and nobody else can earn my money...I haven't the money for a flight...DH has to work so no childcare either.

Life gets in the way sometimes. flowers

Ceeceecee Sun 13-Mar-16 10:06:35

I agree life gets in the way, and I would concentrate on getting work etc up to date so that I could be there when it mattered and I could be of practical use. I would definitely go by what your db and dsdad say as they are the main carers.

MatildaTheCat Sun 13-Mar-16 10:42:42

Spread the visits out, this will be a long haul. Your DM will be overwhelmed by everyone being there even if she is aware of it. Your DF will need support for a long time so ignore your sister. You are very charitable because if she really said you are horrible then she's a bitch.

A gentle word of caution,mi would be extremely surprised if your DM is home by Easter. It's a life changing surgery and at her age there will be many hurdles to overcome. Sorry, not the best analogy but you get my drift.

Keep phoning and chat to mum as soon as you can. She may well appreciate letters, photos etc as she recovers.

Best wishes to you all. flowers

Fiona80 Sun 13-Mar-16 11:54:26

I think it's best if you go at different times so that at least one of you is there, no point all of you being there at once and then no one there.
Do you have kids?

It will be a long haul and she is going to need more help at home than when in hospital, ignore your sister.

Btw, how long is your sister planning to stay there?

monkeysox Sun 13-Mar-16 11:57:30

I would.go if I possibly could. After.youve been once for a couple of days then stagger the visits. flowers

potoftea Sun 13-Mar-16 12:25:00

I think your plan is correct, you will visit when you are most use to your mother. Your sister is actually being more selfish as she's putting her need to be there ahead of your mothers need for support longer term, unless her visit is indefinite of course.
Your mother is well cared for right now medically and with family around her, the coming week and months will be more challenging.

DG2016 Sun 13-Mar-16 12:45:55

Of course you aren't.

(By the way it is probably best to say rubbishy - the y makes it sound better English as it's an adjective not a noun as in eating healthily rather than eating healthy)

originalusernamefail Sun 13-Mar-16 13:32:43

OP I work in an ICU and often we will have whole families sat 24/7 at the bedside of a sedated / out of it patient. They don't eat/ sleep/ wash or see their kids. All it achieves is when the patient wakes up they are too distraught and knackered to provide support-precisely when the patient needs it most. In fact that is usually when you see visiting drop off from 24/7 to every other day / weekly. Critical illness is often a marathon rather than a sprint and you and your siblings may find support is needed for quite some time. Life also goes on and you will be no help to your mother if you let your home/ yourself fall apart. While she's ill. If the hospital staff need you there if things are problematic you will be first to know. In the meantime be guided by your DF he's the one. Who needs support while your mum is out of it.

SohowdoIdothis Sun 13-Mar-16 14:15:56

I think that originalusernamefail has put it perfectly, it's a marathon not a 100 yard dash, work as a relay team, and pace yourselves.

and now with wonderful technology you can face time, which does make a difference when you are at a distance.

When we went through a major health crisis (me being nearly deaded) a very darling generouse friend who lives far away, who had been through a similar sort of thing with her mum, did all sorts of clever things, she quizzed my children as to when we would defiantly be in, and what they/we liked, and did an online order for household essentials, got the local farm shop to deliver lots of health ready meals, payed for a local friend(gardener) to come and maintain my beloved garden(she knew I would be stressed by it not been tendered) and she organised a trusted dog walker.

I cannot tell you how much it helped DH and all of us, having someone sort out all the little things, it made a huge difference to energy,stress levels and time.

You can do a lot of support from afar, and then go and give some on the spot support when the others start to get fatigued.

Casper21 Sun 13-Mar-16 14:45:00

Thanks again for the support. My sister doesn't know how long she will be staying for, but she doesn't work and her children have left home. Whereas I work and have 4 children at home even though they are older and could fend for themselves with DH, I don't think my help would be best right now and would be much better later on when she is home, even if I could just drop everything right now. My step dad and brother still totally agree that she is receiving amazing care in hospital and it is when she gets home that they and her will need our support more.

MattDillonsPants Mon 14-Mar-16 01:25:37

She must have forgotten what it's like Casper. flowers

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