Thinking that Sil is taking advantage and kind of lazy

[KathrynL]

I know that this technically doesn't affect me as such but I'm a concerned observer as is my dh and I don't know how much longer either of us can just sit back and say nothing, but anyway I'll get to it.

My dh has a younger sister and a younger brother. His younger sister (not that much younger we are all in our 30's) has three children, all primary school age. The jist of it is that my SiL (imo) is taking advantage of my dh's parents and their brother. She is a single parent, but at the same time not completely helpless and despite the fact she doesn't work and never has she depends on my inlaws for practically everything. My MiL and FiL both turned 70 last year, so are retired and have time on their hands and they love their grandchildren including mine and dh's kids and they'll happily help out if any of us need it but I think my SiL is taking the piss.

She lives literally a five minute walk away from her kids primary school yet she never takes them herself. My MiL has a key and turns up at 8am every weekday morning to sort the kids out (they're 10, 7 and 6) whilst my SiL lays in bed. She takes them to school and then picks them up every day too whilst my SiL is either still laying in bed or out with friends shopping or having drinks in the pub. She expects my inlaws to mind her kids whenever she wants to go anywhere and if she "can't be bothered" to take them to doctors/dentist/opticians etc than my inlaws will take them. Like I said they aren't exactly spring chickens and both me and my dh are seeing first hand the strain it is on them keep running around like this.

My SiL doesn't drive so she uses both my MiL and FiL as her own personal taxi service. Every school holidays she just assumes they will mind the kids why she goes out and if on the rare occasion they refuse to have them then my SiL goes mad. She also is constantly asking them to borrow her money even though she knows they only have their pensions to live on and again if they refuse she takes a strop. My dh's brother is currently at uni but has a lot of time off in between so my SiL has him running round doing jobs for her ie the food shop, taking her kids to the park, paying money into the bank, etc etc and I don't think it's very fair.

Now I know what you're thinking. It's up to my dh's family if they chose to do these things for SiL but I genuinely think they are too soft and maybe even little scared of saying no, as trust me it doesn't happen often. I just can't help but think that my SiL is lazy and should be doing these things herself instead of relying on other people and to be honest I'm sick of having the single parent card thrown at me. I have single parent family members and friends and none of them are like this, they are strong independent women and manage fine with just occasional help. My dh has tried to speak to his parents before about this matter but his mum just shrugs it off and says she doesnt mind helping and his dad just days that it's a struggle for SiL and we wouldn't know because their are two of us to parent our kids. Yeah the difference is though we both work (and I study) plus raise three children but we pay to have people look after our kids (nursery, after school club) we don't expect our parents to commit to long term childcare. So Aibu do you think to feel this way? I personally don't think I am as I hate to see people being taken advantage of but I just wanted to get other perspective.

[Organon8]

You sound jealous but have dressed it up with concern

[redhat]

I don't think you sound jealous but I do think your DH's parents and brother are all adults and can say for themselves if it is an issue.

[KathrynL]

Crikey, only the first post and I'm being accused of being jealous. I'm not jealous by the way, I've no need to be I'm simply concerned for my family as I don't like them being taken advantage of.

[bibbitybobbityyhat]

Gosh, she never takes her children to school? Is she unwell?

[StarlingMurmuration]

It's really none of your business. HTH.

[KathrynL]

I know but like I said I don't think they like to say no, and they have just got in a rut for years now giving this amount of help that I don't think they know how to take a step back.

[KathrynL]

Well it's my family, so it kind of is.

[comedycentral]

I don't think you sound jealous and I can see why your concerned. Your in-laws should be free to enjoy their retirement but it sounds like they are tied up in this arrangement. It sounds like they have made their excuses for her so I guess it's up to them. I can see why you feel the way you do though.

[curren]

Op jut let it go.

I personally think my dbro and sil take advantage of my own parents. They do school pick up for her etc. If one of the kids is ill they have to go up. So four adults looking after one sick child and one child that's fine.

Sil is a sahm but never takes them anywhere, mum and dad have to babysit so she can supermarket shopping. She won't take the kids and neither her or dbro will go on an evening or weekend.

But it's none of my business. I am quite independent anyway and hate relying on mum and dad anyway. So it suits me fine.

It's really none of your business or concern.

[curren]

Well it's my family, so it kind of is.

No it's not. Being related to someone does not make everything your business

[KathrynL]

From what my niece tells me I don't think any of the parents from scholl even know who she is as she never takes them. She has even sent my MiL to parents evening in the past when she "hasn't had the time" to go.

[ctjoy103]

She doesn't work, can't bother to take her kids to school, uses her parents to cart her around, can't drive. Sounds like a waste doesn't she. Unfortunately your pil sound too kind and soft to say something so not sure if your Dh should either.

[KathrynL]

Thanks comedy. It's just a tricky situation and when I see how much it bothers my dh (as after all he loves his parents and wants them to enjoy their retirement) i can't help feel annoyed.

[Sallyhasleftthebuilding]

To PIL she has 3 children and 3 people to care for them -

I suppose that they have the children's best interests at heart and they will need stability - does her children's father make an effort?

The brother can do as he pleases - as can PIL and SIL

I can see you are concerned for PIL but they like many parents will put the needs of children ahead of their own needs -

[OurBlanche]

Odd that people get so het up about one family member being less than enamoured of another!

YANBU at all. If your SIL is that disengaged then she will be putting upon her parents and that isn't fair of her, nor is it going to be all that good for her kids.

But, as you've sort of said, there's bugger all you can do about it, your ILs have growed themselves a monster.

You can be as disparaging as you like, in your head. You can think whatever the hell you want, have the opinion that she is a lazy, pampered cow and needs to grow up.

But you can't really do anything to change it. You can respond when she 'throws the single parent card' at you... you don't have to be all accommodating, you could be honest(ish).

That all depends on how your DH sees his sisters behaviour. If he thinks all is OK then you probably just need to think she is living in Cloud Cuckoo Land.

But you really aren't BU to think that at all!

[stitchglitched]

There may be some underlying difficulties that you aren't party to. She could have depression, other health issues or maybe just not coping with life as a parent. Regardless, your in laws are adults and if they make the decision to help their daughter and grandkids it's really none of your business.

[StealthPolarBear]

Is she an alcoholic?

[lalalalyra]

Are you sure there are no health concerns? Depression or CFS? If not she's taking the piss, but lucky for her children that they have doting family to look after them when she doesn't.

[KathrynL]

To be honest as a person she's kind and friendly and loves mine dh's kids to bits and all of our family for that matter but she's a grown woman and surely should act like one. There is no reason why she can't take her kids to school, to appointments, do her own errands etc, she has all the time in the world to do these things and if I can fit it all in plus work and I get no help from family then I'm sure she can manage.

[PenelopeChipShop]

Surely there are health or mental health issues that you aren't aware of?

If not then it certainly sounds unusual, yes, even for a LP.

[littleleftie]

I think you should stop dwelling on it, it's clearly really bothering you.

It's not really any of your business though.

[LilacSpunkMonkey]

Not your sister, not your parents, not your business.

No one is being neglected, no one is unhappy with things (other than you), so keep your beak out.

You should meet MY SIL. Calls my Dad 'Daddy' and cries all over him about how 'fat' she is. Every fucking time we see them. So many stories I could tell but...meh.

[KathrynL]

Obviously I don't know all the ins and outs of her life but I think I can safely say with confidence that she doesn't have any MH issues or is an alcoholic. She looks after her kids ie meeting their needs, feeds, baths them etc and has an active social life so she is managing. I genuinely just think that she has got used to having the help and she doesn't want things to change so has no ambition to make it so.

[gentlydownthestreammm]

Well, I'd be judging her, to be honest. It does seem ridiculous on the face of it.

OTOH, if she has never worked in her life and goes mad if her parents EVER refuse to look after the kids, it doesn't strike me that she will be very receptive to anyone telling her she needs to rely on them less. Any impetus for change will have to come from her parents putting their foot down and it doesn't sound like they will.

I'd probably just huff about it privately but keep out of it, TBH.

[KathrynL]

Right, ok. It's my dh's parents, he has the same concerns as me so what would you say to him. He is a very caring man and thinks of others besides himself and he can see how tired his parents are looking on a daily basis so has he not got the right to worry?