to not invite parents on holiday with us

(42 Posts)
ForwardAll Tue 08-Mar-16 13:47:07

We've got a house abroad, and typically we go there every Summer to spend a couple of weeks with the kids. Often we invite other people out too, and that usually includes my parents.

My dad is extremely overweight to the extent that he breaks furniture when he sits on it. Often when they go on holiday they have to pay for furniture in hotels that he has broken. In our house in the UK he has broken our sofa, various chairs, numerous toilet seats. In our house abroad he has broken a bed, a chair, and both toilet seats. Worse though is that he has broken the staircase we had fitted when we first started renovating the house a few years ago, which cost a lot of money and was really well fitted. Now it has come away at the top because he drops his full weight onto the top step when he comes downstairs.

He's getting bigger and causing more damage as he does so, and I don't know what to do about this year's holiday. I'm pretty sure they're waiting for us to invite them. We have fun when they are there although there is quite a bit of tension between my DH and my dad now because my dad is very sloppy and thoughtless e.g. making a lot of noise and banging about when the kids are in bed, spilling things and not clearing them up, as well as the aforementioned breaking things. He's completely oblivious to housekeeping, and it's like having a giant toddler around. He's very sensitive so if we say anything he will sulk and refuse to speak to us and say he's going home etc, so it's easier in some respects to not say anything.

I've looked at other options for sleeping arrangements so he wouldn't have to go upstairs, but that would mean putting them in the utility room, and I'm pretty sure that would make them feel bad about being exiled from upstairs. Also he needs a proper bed and we don't have one downstairs. They are 70yo.

I've discussed it with my mum and not outright said they aren't invited, but told her I'm fed up of him breaking things and being thoughtless. She just shakes her head sadly and says things like "I know, I'm fed up of it too".

I feel really tight about it as I know they like to spend time with the DCs, and it is nice to have them there, but I don't want to risk either total collapse of the staircase, or total collapse of my DH's and DF's relationship.

MattDillonsPants Tue 08-Mar-16 13:52:17

If he can fit in an aeroplane seat then surely he's breaking things out of lack of care rather than his weight??

Broke the stairs?? Really?

Someone who can fly in a plane, fit in the seat etc but breaks chairs and stairs must be doing it through sheer lack of care. In which case YANBU.

twilightcafe Tue 08-Mar-16 13:53:26

YANBU - but how much does your father weigh that he can damage a staircase?

ForwardAll Tue 08-Mar-16 13:54:14

Yes he sort of flops his weight down. I don't think he realises how heavy he is, although you'd think breaking stairs and beds would be a bit of a clue.

FreakinScaryCaaw Tue 08-Mar-16 13:54:37

I'm also confused? How does he fit in the airplane seat?

OurBlanche Tue 08-Mar-16 13:55:54

I'd be more immediately worried about your stairs. They are supposed to be able to hold much more than one adult on each step.

So unless your dad weighs about 1000lbs, over 70 stone, then it isn't his weight that has broken them!

londonrach Tue 08-Mar-16 13:56:00

Breaking the stairs! Seriously can he get in a car or plane. Yanbu but he needs to do something for his health if not for the furniture. I know he is an adult but has anyone discussed his size with him.

CookieLady Tue 08-Mar-16 13:56:11

But some how he doesn't break the airline seats? confused

2rebecca Tue 08-Mar-16 13:57:04

It sounds as though you'd have a better holiday without them for many reasons such as sulking no housework etc not just his weight.
It's meant to be a holiday not a charity act.
Your mum sounds as though she doesn't do anything to change his behaviour or eating patterns so I'd just not mention it to them.
Not going on holiday with your parents when you are a grown up should be the normal state of affairs not something you feel guilty about.

WhataMessEh Tue 08-Mar-16 13:57:37

yanbu. I feel sorry for your mum, your Dad should've taken the hint after he broke the bed and/or the stairs. Presumably he didn't offer to pay to fix these things/you couldn't take him on the basis if he breaks something he pays for it? I can't see the alternative, you can't have him breaking things and he needs to sort his weight out for his own health.

ForwardAll Tue 08-Mar-16 13:58:13

I don't think even he knows how much he weighs - he's certainly obese, perhaps morbidly so. It's more about lack of care really. I cringe when he comes downstairs because I hear him 'drop' onto the top step. We've stopped replacing toilet seats now because there's just no point he breaks them straight away. At some point we are going to get dedicated toilet seats to fit when they visit that he can break to his heart's content blush

He replaced the bed as it literally snapped in half when he sat on it (it was a normal wooden single bed, not some flimsy z-bed!) so he couldn't deny the damage. They are always forking out for stuff in hotels, usually balcony furniture and beds.

msrisotto Tue 08-Mar-16 13:58:45

I can't get my head around someone being capable of breaking not only furniture but a staircase, whilst also being able to haul their own weight around?!

It doesn't sound like he is very careful or helpful either. Does he pay for the things he breaks in your home? I don't think you are being unreasonable but I don't see how you are going to resolve this without hurting your mum either.

Inertia Tue 08-Mar-16 13:59:08

I think you might need to get your staircase installer back to look at whether it actually is fitted correctly!

katienana Tue 08-Mar-16 14:00:24

Maybe it's somewhere reached by ferry or car

ForwardAll Tue 08-Mar-16 14:03:05

TBH it's probably not much longer til he won't fit in an airline seat.

He pays lip service to losing weight. My DM walks on eggshells round him and enables his behaviour, and if I'm honest I do the same. He's a really difficult character. My DH grits his teeth for so long and then says something and gets sulked with (or I get sulked with by proxy).

I do feel guilty as they did lend us some money initially to pay the deposit for the house (we paid it back within weeks, we just needed it quicker than we could access it at the time), so I sort of feel I owe it to them. But it's true as an adult I shouldn't feel I have to spend my holiday with them.

ForwardAll Tue 08-Mar-16 14:04:12

Yes they ferry/drive down to the house, but they do take aeroplanes elsewhere and I'm assuming he fits in a normal seat but I've never asked.

Showgirl109 Tue 08-Mar-16 14:06:41

Oh god, we had a morbidly obese tenant in one of our rental houses. She broke numerous toilet seats (eventually the toilet itself) and the stairs... One of the planks was giving way under her weight. It took two very large men arm in arm jumping on each step to see which one it was... It is possible, you have my sympathy she drove us mad and we didn't have to live with her.

FreakinScaryCaaw Tue 08-Mar-16 14:10:02

He sounds like Uri Geller of wood! grin

Sorry op I shouldn't laugh but it's so bizarre.

plantsitter Tue 08-Mar-16 14:10:39

whether or not the weight stuff is a load of old bollocks exaggeration or not, of course you don't have to invite them. Just tell them you wanta holiday with just the four(?) of you this year.

ForwardAll Tue 08-Mar-16 14:13:03

I'm not imagining him breaking stuff with his weight (I wish I was).
If you met him you'd understand!

If he didn't break stuff I wouldn't even be posting this, there wouldn't really be an issue (other than sulking and clanging about, which I've coped with for 30+ years).

SunnyL Tue 08-Mar-16 14:17:15

I have a colleague who is enormous and breaks furniture from her bulk but can (just) fit an airline seat. She has to get an extender for the seat belt but is still capable of flying. I've had to make sure I never sit next to her on planes because it is so darn uncomfortable - I have to lean sideways the entire flight.

Anyway as a result I'd say YANBU. He doesn't sound like he appreciates the holiday or contributes much to the holiday. Sounds like the atmosphere is strained. How about suggesting every 2nd year to your DH?

My dad can be an arse if we go every year with him but is manageable if we do it every 2nd year. It's like he remembers how to behave when we don't go away every year with him

WhatWouldLeslieKnopeDo Tue 08-Mar-16 14:17:16

YANBU. It doesn't sound like much of a holiday if you are having to clear up after him, him sulking etc. And it's unfair on your DH to have to put up with that on his holiday.

He sounds very inconsiderate to be breaking things so often, without making any effort to be more careful.

You don't owe them. You have repaid the money and already taken them on holiday previously. And it sounds like he hasn't paid for all the replacements?

If you think they're the type to come along without an invitation then tell them you're going alone this year, otherwise I would just not mention it at all unless they ask.

FloLarkin Tue 08-Mar-16 14:24:25

My FIL is like this: he uses things to haul his weight around - he has so far pulled a coat rack off the wall, a radiator off the wall and snapped one of our banisters completely in half.
He always blames it on whatever he's broken - he is morbidly obese and also in his 70s - his weight is never his responsibility and he makes every excuse under the sun - he hasn't ever paid for breakages as he pretends it's not his fault

If he ever broke our sofa or anything like that, I would be making an example of it and demanding payment. They are grown ups and there's only so much pussy-footing around you can do before you become another enabler...

FloLarkin Tue 08-Mar-16 14:25:29

Oh and you are definitely ok not to invite them - they are being rude if they ask why so you're within your rights to be honest smile

Finola1step Tue 08-Mar-16 14:29:18

I think you, your dh and your dc are in dore need of a holiday on your own. Do not invite anyone to join you.

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