AIBU not to feed DS's friend anything else?

[Narnia72]

I've been looking after DS's friend quite a bit recently as a favour to his mum, as she's been having temporary childcare issues. I don't mind at all.

However, I really struggle to feed him. I am very lucky (I know) that my children are fairly easy to feed and eat most things. My friend's little boy is very fussy. He doesn't have any health issues or SEN, just fussy. She acknowledges this.

I really try and accommodate him, so today I made sure I had the "right" bread and fillings in; all things I knew he liked. I made what I thought was the perfect sandwich for him. He refused to eat it. Said it was the wrong type of butter...

He ate some breadsticks and houmous, so has had some food. However, both boys are now asking for treats, saying they're hungry. I have said that they can both have some fruit. He is really unhappy about this, saying his mum would give him chocolate. Now, if I'm on my own with my kids, if they have eaten all their lunch, sometimes they would get a biscuit mid afternoon. They wouldn't get anything, not even fruit, if they had left the majority of their lunch - they'd have to wait until tea.

I'm torn. I want this little boy to be happy here. But I don't want to break my house rules. AIBU not to give him anything else?

[Narnia72]

btw they're both 4

[tohomeornottohome]

I don't think YABU no, but I am not very tolerant of fussy eaters (allergies and sensory issues aside before I get flamed).

[ExitPursuedByABear]

No YANBU. Fruit or nothing.

The wrong sort of butter - tsk.

[Maroonie]

Not unreasonable, you shouldn't undermine your own house rules.
Maybe you could as a one off but not if you look after him regularly.

[dementedpixie]

Just say it's fruit or nothing. If he is really hungry then he will eat it.

[ByThePrickingOfMyThumbs]

I would ask his mum to pack him a lunch and snacks he will eat for when he stays with you. You're providing free childcare - it's the least she can do.

[Scholes34]

Just say it's fruit or the sandwich he wouldn't eat earlier, if he's hungry.

[FigMango1]

He's a fusspot, keep offering the fruit and if he is really hungry he will eat it. Also tell his mum that it's difficult for you as he's fussy. She should send him with his own food so he can't whine.

[Finola1step]

You made him a perfectly good lunch. He has eaten something. You have offered fruit. Stick to your guns or fussy boy will try this trick everytime and your ds will start following suit.

As for the future, I would say to his mum "He didn't want to eat his lunch even though I bought x and x especially. So next time, could he bring a packed lunch of things he will definitely eat".

[gamerchick]

His mother needs to provide food, tell her when you see her.

Tell him you're not his mother and it's fruit or nothing.

[BarbarianMum]

I think reoffering him his lunch would be fine. That's what I'd do with mine. And yes, get hismum to send a packed lunch in future.

[Autumn2014]

I'd get him to bring a packed lunch. That way you don't have to try and negotiate with him, he eats what he likes, and his mother can make the judgements about what he eats and how much is appropriate. You can also separate the issue from your children's food choices.

[TruJay]

Initially I was going to say yabu as there's nothing worse, imo, of giving a child something and expecting them to eat it regardless of their likes until their plate is empty (I hate that) but considering that you went out and got things especially for him that you know he likes, which is really kind, and he still refused it then I'd do just as you have, yanbu.

Some kids are fussy no matter what you try, my ds is one of them, give him what he likes and he'll eat every scrap but if it's something he doesn't like he won't touch it and will go without. He's getting better at trying new things but I won't force him. My dd will eat anything, they were weaned exactly the same, nothing different at all but ones fussy, one isn't. No idea where it comes from.

[PassiveAgressiveQueen]

I'd get him to bring a packed lunch. That way you don't have to try and negotiate with him, he eats what he likes, and his mother can make the judgements about what he eats and how much is appropriate. You can also separate the issue from your children's food choices.

this

[AnthonyPandy]

So you are providing free childcare and free food?

Fuckin' ell.

[dietcokeandwine]

I have two fussy eaters: one who has genuine sensory issues (Aspergers) and another who is utterly NT who pushes it (and to be fair has probably witnessed his brother refusing things - wrong type of butter would be an absolute deal breaker for ASD DS1, he would simply be unable to swallow it).

In both cases I would be absolutely supportive of anyone taking care of them to take the line that you have. Fruit is fine. No to chocolate. Your house, you're doing the mum a favour. Absolutely yes to a packed lunch, in fact I would insist on it. And as the parent of food fussy DC I would be totally not offended if asked to provide food for them. All you say is 'sorry but it's hard finding food your DS will eat, would you mind sending him with a packed lunch? That way at least I know there'll be stuff I am sure he is happy to eat'. And job (should be) done. If she is half way decent she will apologise profusely for the fussiness and agree to a packed lunch straight away. Let's face it you're providing her with free emergency child care! It's the least she can do.

[notagiraffe]

Just tell his mum he won't eat anything you give him and could she pack him some food she knows he'll eat. Then he can have that.

(SEN DS here, so I am v tolerant of fussy eaters but agree you can't let them scoff chocolate instead of real food.)

[ScarlettOHaraHamilton]

Free childcare and he's being like this over food?

I'd tell the mum you need a packed lunch as food is proving an issue.

[GrumpyMummy123]

You are doing the right thing!

MY DS can be a right fussy eater when he puts his mind to it. But as the childminder and grannys tell me he always eats fine for them I think most of it is down to what they think they can get away with!

Stick to your guns. Fruit or nothing he's not going to starve. Tell your friend when she comes to pick him up so you can have her support in the way things happen when at your house if you look after him again.

[BabyGanoush]

yes, ask for a packed lunch

[Narnia72]

I don't have him as a regular arrangement, just when they're stuck. I don't really want to ask her to bring packed lunches as she sends breakfast when they're here on the odd occasion and it causes trouble with my own kids as she gives them things I don't allow mine to have for breakfast. It's a bit tricky really, as obviously she wants them to have something to eat before school, but they hold her to ransom a bit, and won't eat what mine have (I offer weetabix, cornflakes, porridge, Rice Krispies, yoghurt or toast, boiled egg). It is a temporary thing with a finite end, so I don't want to create a fuss, but I am quite exasperated today! My son has now eaten a banana, his friend is currently refusing and asking for biscuits. I've pretended we don't have any and am trying the distract method ATM. I'm not being a smug parent btw, my son is also currently refusing to share his toys, so they both have their foibles!

[Schwabischeweihnachtskanne]

Agree with the packed lunch suggestion.

Btw it won't be true that his mum would let him have chocolate in this situation probably he'll just be trying it on to see if that will make you hand over the chocolate :o

[ProfGrammaticus]

I wouldn't give him chocolate, whatever else you do. Little bugger.

[LeaveMyWingsBehindMe]

Tell his mum the truth, say you are finding it a struggle and ask that she brings a packed lunch for him in future. Tell her that if there are chocolates and treats in there he will only be given those after he's eaten his proper food otherwise it sets an unfair precedent and a bad example to your son.