To feel nothing was made of me on Mother's Day

(62 Posts)
Julia2016 Mon 07-Mar-16 09:59:16

Hi there

Just looking for a few opinions and also offloading. I'll try and keep this concise.

I'm a pretty grounded woman, very practical and not one that's interested in material things e.g. myself and hubby don't exchange birthday presents, we tend to just buy each other something nice from time to time. We aren't ones for cards either. We don't do enough of this romantic stuff though and it's something we are making more of an effort at. There is a time when you can be too practical and I'm guilty of it.

Yesterday was my first Mother's Day, my daughter was born last May. I dropped loads of hints that yesterday was important to me in the week leading to yesterday, over and over and hubby's friends reminded him not to forget the day. He did and I am really upset. After saying something yesterday morning, at some point in the afternoon I got a petrol station card and hand made chocolates (which he knows I don't like), I'd prefer a Cadbury's Flake, it's not about cost.

I'm just hurt. Loads of people were onto me yesterday asking was I being spoilt etc etc. I ensured he made a fuss of his mother and I made a fuss of mine and I felt like nothing was made of me. I'm so far from a diva, even if this post makes me out to be one, I really am not. I just feel wronged.

I guess for me this is a sensitive thing. I'm a new mum and half the time I don't know if I am doing right or wrong as a mother, my hubby knows this too. I do my best and I love my daughter dearly. Sometimes it would be nice to be made to feel special.

One of the things my husband knows well about me is that I can't stand being taken for granted. I'm the type that worries and thinks about everyone else and so I'm ripe to be forgotten as I don't ask for much. He knows that I won't put up with someone taking this part of my nature for granted. It makes me think that the less you expect, the less you get and it's hurtful when your nearest and dearest take you for granted.

I got really mad at him this morning and now he is furious with me. I'm not dismissing how I feel even if he is furious.

Anyhow thank you for reading.

Julia

Hero1callylost Mon 07-Mar-16 10:07:22

You're not unreasonable to want to be appreciated on the day. It's all about communication though. You two have obviously set a precedent from how you celebrate other things, and it's unreasonable to expect your DH to know exactly how you want him/your daughter to express their appreciation. Men often don't pick up on hints very well, next time just spell it out and say 'it would be lovely to do X on Mother's Day, can you arrange it please?'

I don't think you're being precious to want to be appreciated, but to me Mother's Day is about appreciating your mum, and while your DD is too little to do that, is it actually Mother's Day that you want celebrated? Or is it more that you want your DH to appreciate you? The two might not connect in his mind - you're his wife, not his mother, so he might not have joined those dots.

AlwaysDancing1234 Mon 07-Mar-16 10:07:53

I don't think your feelings are unreasonable at all. Your DH could have at least got a card and a box of chocs you like. It's not about cost or the fact your DC is still too young to know the difference, it's about feeling appreciated and that you are a Mother too.
(Although you'll probably get people coming on saying it doesn't matter and you shouldn't get sucked in to the commercialism of cards etc)
I understand how much it hurts, my DH made zero effort yesterday, even a cup of tea would have been nice sad

leavemealone2015 Mon 07-Mar-16 10:10:48

Sorry you had such a disappointing first Mother's Day. Congratulations on taking care of your baby for the last ten months! You should be really proud! Since you are usually so no- nonsense seems he misjudged it. MD is a difficult one because different generations and different families are involved! Next year organise something with your mum together and yes make it clear you expect a little luxury and resting for the day!
I didn't do anything this year..I had said I don't want any presents as I wanted to go somewhere my ds would enjoy and remember doing together but I was really ill over the weekend and couldn't do it... We have made another date for it. I took some time to think about being a mother and tried to show them I care. I sent a message to my dil who is a new mother like you just to congratulate her as she has been amazing.

leavemealone2015 Mon 07-Mar-16 10:13:29

Agree that it's awkward at the baby stage as Mother's Day is really between mother and child..so your do may not have realised he was involved.

Hero1callylost Mon 07-Mar-16 10:18:05

I might have come over as harsh - I didn't mean to as totally understand your point of view!

Look up 'love languages' - it's a theory/observation that there are different ways to express love and everyone has their own preferences about which they like to receive.

Eg gift giving (not necessarily big/expensive), quality time, kind words, physical affection...

It can be helpful to have a chat through which kinds you each value, without having to justify why you like what you like. Then it's easier in future to do what your other half values highly, and understand more about where you're both coming from when you have situations like this in future.

leelu66 Mon 07-Mar-16 10:20:25

If he can make a fuss of his mother, then he should make a fuss of you.

I doubt he forgot, with all the hints you gave him and his friends having reminded him of it.

I would ignore his birthdays and Father's Day. But I hold a grudge, so this may not be the best advice.

ImogenTubbs Mon 07-Mar-16 10:21:57

I totally understand, but also think it's an odd one for mothers of babies. My DH explained that as I'm not his mother, he wouldn't be doing anything for me on Mothers Day. I actually cooked lunch for his mum yesterday. DH made me a cup of tea and saved me a chocolate hobnob. A bit meh, but I also get it.

NickyEds Mon 07-Mar-16 10:22:43

YANBU I would have been absolutely gutted in your position.

Julia2016 Mon 07-Mar-16 10:24:42

No Hero1, you didn't come across as harsh, you made some good points.

I think there is a breakdown of communication of sorts between us. My husband knows me well and knows what I value but I will give him the benefit of the doubt that he didn't quite understand what yesterday was as I am so easy going usually. I do think that if he bothered to think about it, he would have understood, as it is now he is ranting about it being another commercial day but he can keep that rubbish because there's a lot more to it and he knows it.

I am also sensitive about how I am doing as a mum, he knows this.

Oh and I am in the middle of the 2 week wait and I may be pregnant or not. Maybe if I am that will explain that I'm so upset!!

Buttons23 Mon 07-Mar-16 10:24:47

It's tricky because yes it would have been nice to have a card but ultimately you have to be grateful for what you do have and that's your daughter. It's hard for me to have patience with these sort of posts knowing that yesterday my sister should have had her first Mother's Day but my niece died in December. It does put things sharply into perspective.

Just don't do anything for Father's Day and go do something with your daughter soon.

wigglebum84 Mon 07-Mar-16 10:25:37

What did you do for him on Father's Day last year julia ?

Only1scoop Mon 07-Mar-16 10:25:49

'Dropped loads of hints'

Always makes me feel sad when I hear this.

You shouldn't have had to 'drop hints' and a last minute garage type gift was pretty thoughtless.

You are a new mum.... your first Mother's Day and it wouldn't have hurt him to give that some thought.

leavemealone2015 Mon 07-Mar-16 10:26:13

Agree with above...I value kind words most and that people are nice on a special day.. Ask you would you like a cup of tea, what would you like to do or watch on TV, can we do anything for you etc. that is what I value. Gifts make me feel it's too materialistic and that I am the one then put on the spot to be the grateful one to do if that makes sense which detracts from the children and the meaning .

Julia2016 Mon 07-Mar-16 10:26:46

The thing is, I was the one who ensured he visited his mum! Then he stayed there half the day with my daughter because I was mad, so I was left on my own. I did eat a lot of chocolate though! smile

JC22334 Mon 07-Mar-16 10:26:50

What is he like the rest of the year? Mother's Day is a ridiculous commercialised day that guilts people into buying more stuff they don't actually need, whilst giving you feelings of inadequacy and comparing yourself to others.

If the rest of the year all is good and happy then I wouldn't worry at all.

Julia2016 Mon 07-Mar-16 10:30:28

I got him a lovely card with some lovely words in it and put it into baby's chair for him to get and I got him a bottle of wine that he loves. That's all I wanted too. Two minutes of feeling special.

Don't get me wrong, I am very grateful for my daughter and I had a tough time having her with scares. My parents buried seven of my siblings, five full term babies and two miscarried earlier so maybe it comes from there too.

Julia2016 Mon 07-Mar-16 10:31:36

JC22334, I honestly can't fault my husband most of the time.

EnthusiasmDisturbed Mon 07-Mar-16 10:32:45

ds made something at school which was lovely

I thought he would make me a card (the ex doesn't bother to encourage him)

hinted that I would like one he said he had done enough

I was upset and what has upset me more is that he knew I was upset and still didn't take a few minutes to make me a card

I do feel quite hurt by his attitude he is only 8 but I think that is old enough to get that its a nice thing to do he just cba

And I get fed up with daddy is great when it is me doing all the running about sad

thecitydoc Mon 07-Mar-16 10:34:01

I don't understand why people "drop hints" when they want something. Just come out and say "I want a fuss made of me on Mothering Sunday" and then hey presto a fuss would be made of you. Simple really.

EnthusiasmDisturbed Mon 07-Mar-16 10:36:47

i did actually say I would really love one of your lovely cards that you make

but he was too busy

ample Mon 07-Mar-16 11:04:10

YANBU to want a little fuss on your first Mother's Day - we all like to be appreciated but YABU if you simply wanted something to show off to friends who had asked (that kind of thing doesn't bother me but we're not all the same smile )

As for dropping hints, hints don't work on everyone and men often don't get them. I'm not saying all men btw.
As this is the year of firsts for your family with new baby - first Mother's/Father's Day or birthdays, you could have a about what you would like or expect, ie: card and flowers, or card only with breakfast in bed that kind of thing. There's nothing wrong with asking for what you would like and it will save any hurt feelings later.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 07-Mar-16 11:25:01

Is he usually the type to make an elaborate effort, if not why did you hope he would by dropping hints? Next year speak up about what you want. As you don't tend to mark key dates with gifts I can see why he didn't stir himself. I think if you had to prod him into doing something for his own DM, OH had not the slightest idea the day meant something to you.

Long ago one person I knew said he thought it shouldn't be turned into a second Valentine's Day and people often ask why if they still have their own mothers, do they have to do something extra for their wife or girlfriend. Just my opinion but originally it was the day to honour mothers. Isn't the mother of one's child an significant mother in their life?

I don't think it will make you feel better btw if you 'forget' Father's Day. The only person it would hurt is likely to be you. When it came to Father's Day, contrived occasion or not, I would encourage my DCs to make or buy a card even if DH barely registered the event was due.

Katenka Mon 07-Mar-16 11:33:29

Right if you can't fault him most of time. Put this down to one of those things.

I am/was like you. Wanted little shows of gratitude. Dh isn't like that. He saw gift giving as a social obligation.

He thought he showed me he love and appreciation for me by making my packed lunch, or making sure my work uniform was out. I thought he did those things because he was making his own or getting his own clothes out. I would have done these things for him but not seen them as show of love and care.

It caused issues until we started communicating. He knows to get me something thoughtful. I know that when he cooks me dinner it's how he shows love. When he makes sure my car is defrosted (I hate sitting in a freezing car) it's because he loves me.

Neither of us were wrong as such. We are just different. Dh didn't understand why I would pick him up a little gift when I was out.

But communicating with each other has helped us.

I hate hinting. Dh knows not to hint to me, but to tell me out right. We have a rule that if you don't say it out right, you can't get stroppy. Dh knows I am not fussed about Mother's Day, for me the kids are more excited so I let them buy what they want. I don't care what it is. But I like my birthday and like to be spoiled a bit then. So dh makes a really effort for my birthday.

But that's because I have told him, it important to me.

Hope that makes sense.

Nottalotta Mon 07-Mar-16 11:36:10

My husband completely ignored my first mothers day too (yesterday) I'm not surprised. I am disappointed. He did know what the day was. He has also failed to buy mummy type cards for my birthday and Christmas. It might actually be the nail in the coffin for our marriage.

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