AIBU or ungrateful ?

[DreamCloud99]

I have CFS .

Yesterday, DH, myself and almost 3yr old DTs travelled 5 hours to visit PIL.

We are staying the week . PIL know I have CFS .

We left early morning and arrived around lunch time . I was very tired and aching head to toe when we arrived.

MIL then announced that she had booked her and I an afternoon tea . I was so exhausted but I went as she had obviously put thought in to it and had paid .

The afternoon tea went on for 3 hours ! I could barely muster the energy to talk by the time we got back .

I was hoping to rest when we got back to theirs . DH had already put the boys to bed .

Then MIL announced that we were going to have a takeaway and watch a film . I could have cried . I could barely walk by now . I apologised to PIL and DH explained to them I needed to rest . MIL looked disappointed but didn't say anything.

As DH went to get our luggage from the car , I overheard PIL talking saying (paraphrasing) "surely dreamcloud could have managed another couple of hours . We haven't seen them for months. I hope she's not planning to spend the week in bed and expect us to watch the twins ...... I keep wanting to tell her if she just lost a bit of weight this wouldn't be happening... "

For the record , I'm a size 14, I used to be a 10 but since having the twins and CFS , I've never lost weight . I don't think I'm morbidly obese but MIL keeps asking how my appetite is , have I managed any exercise etc

I feel so annoyed and gutted actually . We get on well and I feel a bit hurt .

PIL have planned a day at the zoo for today and I'm so exhausted I don't think I can go - but they will obviously not be happy .

What do I do ?

Help

[Writerwannabe83]

What is CFS?

[ghostyslovesheep]

well your DH can go - why do they feel you have to go on every trip when BOTH parents are there

You are ILL - your DH needs to back you up!

[PennyHasNoSurname]

CFS - Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (ME it used to be called iirc)

How nasty of them to talk like that behind your back. Id gave sent DH in straight away to set them right.

From what Ive seen on this site, people have little or no understanding of CFS.

[Writerwannabe83]

Thanks Penny

OP - you are DNBU!!

I also have a chronic condition that requires people to be understanding that in some ways I can't behave like them and that allowances need to be made but I come across many who just don't "get it" and probably think I'm being precious.

I'm sorry you had to hear your PIL say those things and just because it comes from ignorance doesn't mean it hurts less.

Don't go to the zoo today, stay in and rest, put yourself first

[AlwaysDancing1234]

They obviously have very little understanding of CFS. How horrible for you to hear them basically calling you lazy. Would your DH (or you even?) be able to sit down with them and have an honest conversation to quietly explain how unwell you feel without proper rest and although you'd love to join in you are just not physically capable?

I can understand them wanting to pack in as much as possible when they don't see you a lot but they need to understand your limits.

for you OP and lots of and too

[ylaipi]

Sounds like they don't think of CFS as a real illness and they just think you feel tired.

You need to explain it to them, maybe give them some literature on it or leaflets about why you must pace yourself.

Unfortunately many people still think of CFS as a psychological disorder rather than a physical one.

Can your DH talk to his parents about it, tell them what you're consultant has advised etc.

Also, are you expecting them to watch your children while you rest? If so maybe they are not willing to do this, so DH will need to look after them instead.

[ipswichwitch]

Yes people generally have little/no understanding of cfs. I have fibromyalgia and frequently have people say "well I'm tired too" if I try to explain how I feel. It's not just about "being a bit tired" as someone put it. When every fibre of my being hurts and I can barely muster the energy to get up for the toilet I don't see how I can possibly be able to do exercise so I will feel better and lose weight, as I have also been advised by another clueless individual. Key is to get DH to back you up. Mine is pretty good as understands that if I say I can't do something it's not because I'm being lazy.

[HumphreyCobblers]

This would make me extremely cross. I would expect my DH to speak to them about it. I wouldn't do it myself because I wouldn't trust my temper

Get him to print out a fact sheet about CFS. Your weight is none of their business.

[voodoolooloo]

How upsetting and rude of them. I'd be really tempted to pack the car back up ( or DH) and go home.
I have a friend with CFS and it's not just tiredness. It's horrible and debilitating. Coupled with young twins, I take my hat off to you.
Please get DH to goggle CFS and show PIL the results. I personally wouldn't bother speaking to them but then I'm a cow when annoyed!
They obviously have no understanding and need to be educated. Let your DH be the one to do that.
Re the weight comments, they need to be made aware you heard them. They need to apologise and fuck off.
Good luck

[DreamCloud99]

I told DH what I had heard and he wanted to go speak to them but I asked him not to .

We have only just arrived and I don't want to sour the atmosphere ; PIL are generally lovely most of the time .

They did research my condition when I was first diagnosed and offered all sorts of "help" in the way of , offering to come watch the twins so I could go to a gym bootcamp to get me started , offering me herbal supplements etc .

They mean well . I'm just a bit defensive by their complete lack of understanding even AFTER researching it .

[DreamCloud99]

I mean a size 14 isn't massive is it ?

That comment bothered me the most - like I can just think myself thin and I'll not have CFS anymore .

[BillSykesDog]

I think you need to let DH talk to them. They obviously don't understand, and if their research was internet based it may well have consisted of a lot of bullshit.

[FigMango1]

Yanbu they clearly haven't researched enough if they still don't get it. Why are they even saying that hope they don't have to look after the kids all week, your Dh is there.

Are they petite or slim themselves? Size 14 is large to me but I'm a size 6/8 so that's why. But that's not the point, it's none of their business what size you are and shouldn't be making those comments.

What did your Dh say about all this?

[OnlyLovers]

They're extremely ignorant and no, of course you're not ungrateful.

Either ask your DH to educate them of tell them to fuck off until they've educated themselves I know which I'd do

And MIL can put a sock in it about your weight.

[AlwaysDancing1234]

I think let your DH talk to them. It doesn't have to be done in a confrontational way, they obviously need educating more on your condition (and no a size 14 is nothing at all!)

[middlings]

You need to get DH to talk to them.

Or else you need to go home.

You're just going to make yourself ill if you keep pushing on when you're there.

[Quietwhenreading]

You need to let your DH talk to them setting them straight and and telling them what you overheard.

Otherwise your (natural) resentment is going to fester and your relationship will never recover.

[DreamCloud99]

DH has just asked what was bothering me and I told him again .

He says he did talk to his parents last night even though I asked him not to . He says he couldn't let it lie knowing they had upset me .

He didn't tell them I overheard what they had said , but he did remind them that it's an illness , I would like to join in but can't always manage it . He told them not to worry if I don't go to the zoo - the boys can be a handful but he can manage them no problem and he is looking forward to spending time with the boys and them .

He also told them the theories around what causes it and made a point of saying that it makes it difficult for me to even function at times never mind training for a marathon

It sounds like he has done this in a "sneaky" way of addressing what they said without PIL actually knowing he knows what they said

Apparently PIL took this all in, agreed and nodded in the right places , said they just want to help and then at the end , MIL piped up " we just read that a bit of exercise can cure it ...."

[ohtheholidays]

No a size 14 isn't large OP and I bet you look lovely.

CFS is a shit condition to have to live with hats of to you having that condition and twins and you still went and spent hours with your MIL.

Have you heard of the Spoon theory OP? I had to use that to try and explain to some of my family why I could no longer drop everything for everyone else all the time.
www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/

I'm disabled now and I've suffered brain damage and my body is pretty much giving up so I do get how you feel and honestly I would let your DH speak to his parents,he could just say you do know that Dream heard what you said right?then if it was me I'd say to them she loves you both so much so hearing that has been really really hard for her and leave it at that.

I hope you get to enjoy the rest of the time your away and I hope you manage to get plenty of rest as well

[WorraLiberty]

Whether size 14 is big or not, will depend entirely on your height and frame. Going by clothes size alone, doesn't give any clues.

But if you have CFS then I would have thought it irrelevant. It doesn't have anything to do with weight and size, or does it?

[PovertyPain]

then at the end , MIL piped up " we just read that a bit of exercise can cure it ...."

Plonkers! I hope your DH put them straight regarding that. It's like saying if my youngest would just make the effort to read War & Peace, then it would cure her SN.

[OurBlanche]

NOWHERE reputable says that exercise, in any way shape or form, helps, let alone cures CFS/ME.

EVERY piece of research shows, incontravertably, that the post exercise flump is one of the classic and essential indicators of CFS/ME.

Fucks sake! Your ILs sound like mine! Prats who just like to label me as difficult because I am not one of them and cannot do what they want me to. They prefer to be certain that I am being difficult because I don't like them... which is, because of their attitude, now perfectly true!

Let your DH off the leash. He can tell them whatever and however he likes. You could, if you wanted to, see this week as a lovely rest, sleep, sit, noodle around daytime telly and them them all go out and play, without you

[Stillunexpected]

If your PIL are so concerned about your weight, taking you out for afternoon tea and then ordering a takeaway is hardly going to help is it? Sounds like they are full of hot air but without any intention of actually helping!

[PerspicaciaTick]

I suspect that they've been reading the NHS website - which does talk about using exercise as a form of treatment but refers to graded exercise therapy - not randomly cracking on with Couch25K training or joining a Zumba class.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Oh God, I feel for you.

No, size 14 is not massive by any stretch of the imagination, and while it won't be any help, it certainly shouldn't be any sort of hindrance to exercise, if only you didn't have a chronic condition that made you exhausted! But you do.
They need to be told quite firmly that their understanding of the condition, via Dr. Google, isn't adequate and, as you live with it, you are best placed to understand what you need to get on with daily life to the best of your abilities. And then told to back the hell off and shut up.

Your DH sounds like he does have your back though; hopefully he can continue his campaign on your behalf and sort them out.

Have a good rest while you can! And definitely no zoo.