Don't judge my child!!!

(23 Posts)
BertBert Mon 07-Mar-16 08:32:42

More of a rant than anything - hoping by getting it off my chest I will calm down!!

Took DS to a party yesterday. DS has ADHD. DS was actually one of the better behaved boys there. Towards the end of the party, DS was chasing another boy (most of the boys had been doing this for most of the party -DS had only just joined in) & one of the parents gave him the dirtiest look. She made it so obvious that another parent came over and asked me whether it was harder dealing with DS's ADHD or other parents!

The mum who gave the dirty look is aware that DS has ADHD - I've been quite open about it in the hope that it would help people to understand DS. This is not the first time she has done something like this.

I'm angry with myself for not pulling her up on it but I didnt want to make a scene or ruin another childs party. If DS had a physical disability, I would put money on said mum being over DS like a rash to be seen to be doing the right thing.

It is people like her that cause my son to say things like he wishes he had never been born.

Life with an ADHD child is hard enough without the help of judgemental parnts.

Rant over!

Writerwannabe83 Mon 07-Mar-16 08:40:04

I don't understand why she gave your son a dirty look just because he was playing along with what everyone else has been doing??

Is it because she thought it was his ADHD that was making him do it as opposed to him just playing like all the other boys?

She sounds rather ignorant and no wonder you need to vent!! I hope her attitude didn't stop your son having fun.

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone Mon 07-Mar-16 08:50:20

The downside of being open about his ADHD sadly is that some people like this woman will be quick to judge anything he does based on this. Even though in this case, he's behaving exactly the same as his peers.

Of course the same people will be quick to label him as naughty when he's acting up if you weren't open with them, so you can't win!

Ludways Mon 07-Mar-16 08:51:19

I'm glad you rise above confronting her, in that setting you'd have come across as unreasonable and would've given her the upper hand. I'm not saying don't confront her but do it when you're calm and in an appropriate setting. Ignorant cow, that she is!

Love the other woman who showed you support!

BertBert Mon 07-Mar-16 09:03:29

I think she thinks the ADHD might be catching - she has a fit if she sees DS walking out of class with her DS & will run over and drag her DS away!

The mum in question took against DS in reception. A big part of DS's ADHD is impulsivenes which meant in reception climbing a wall, fence or tree without thought for potential 'risks'. The mum was horrified when she saw her DS try and climb on a 3ft wall!! I dont think she has forgiven DS since for putting her DS's life at risk!

I know that rising above it was the right thing to do but I am still so angry with her. It did make me feel like it wasnt me against the world when the other mum showed support!

Alexa444 Mon 07-Mar-16 09:06:56

I'd have just gone "not really. Its harder when he copies herDS of course." And give big shit eating grin.

Thefitfatty Mon 07-Mar-16 09:08:47

I wonder if she isn't one of those people that think ADHD is made up? Perhaps she think you're just a shit parent? There's loads out there like that.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Mon 07-Mar-16 09:12:12

She gave a child a dirty look for playing. , because, That's all he was doing. The nasty bitch.

fakenamefornow Mon 07-Mar-16 09:13:36

Actually I think this is a good news story. One mum judged you and your son, didn't even say anything to you, just looked, and the other mum came straight over to you to offer support.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne Mon 07-Mar-16 09:14:36

Bert my nearly 5 year old climbs everything and he doesn't have ADHD... (I don't think...) he's the only child in our Kindergarten's 20 year history to have climbed out of Kindergarten (he was only retrieving a ball - the teacher belted after him and caught him on the other side climbing back in...)

The woman was clearly an arse.

The "naughty" label is awful and presumably exactly what you were trying to avoid by being open about the ADHD? I have seen a child in my extended family thoroughly and systematically scapegoated and told off and punished repeatedly for identical behaviour to that which the same adults were chuckling indulgently over from other children in the family, because one had been labelled as naughty and difficult, so everything he did was judged with the expectation of naughtiness...

I have no idea what to suggest except avoiding being in the nutty mother's company! Pulling people up on it doesn't seem to work...

OliviaStabler Mon 07-Mar-16 09:33:58

There are still many people who don't believe in ADHD and simply think those children are naughty. I suspect this mother is one of those people.

I doubt anything you say or do will change her mind unfortunately.

WorraLiberty Mon 07-Mar-16 09:37:23

Actually I think this is a good news story. One mum judged you and your son, didn't even say anything to you, just looked, and the other mum came straight over to you to offer support.

Yes, that's a good way to look at it.

BertBert Mon 07-Mar-16 12:11:25

Thanks all for your support. When the other mum came over, I nearly burst into tears - I think I was glad to know that not everyone felt that way!

DS's teacher described him as one of the most sensitive children she knows but when you only see him for 5 minutes here and there, it's not always obvious.

I'm feeling better now that I've had my rant. One day DS's ADHD will be a benefit for him - we just need to work on channelling the energy... ADHD didnt hold JFK, Richard Branson or Einstein back grin

Thefitfatty Mon 07-Mar-16 12:13:05

Hasn't held me back either. Although I'm no where near as successful as the people you listed!

BeautyQueenFromMars Mon 07-Mar-16 12:27:19

Bert, you have my sympathy! My DS has ADHD, and I constantly feel like people are judging him, both those who know he has ADHD and those who don't. It's difficult to accept that someone will disapprove somehow, no matter what.

flowers

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Mon 07-Mar-16 12:44:47

And the great ADHD/ASD bullshit meter works its magic again! One caahh down, one ace supportive friend up! Chin up OP flowers

Lurkedforever1 Mon 07-Mar-16 13:04:48

If it's any consolation she's probably the type who judges parents/ kids for anything and everything, rather than it being just adhd her warped mind doesn't 'approve' of.

In reception dd got injured by a child with a different sn. As far as I, school, or anyone with half a brain cell was concerned, it was an accident, unrelated to sn, and equally dds fault, because the accident happened down to them acting like the 5yr olds they were. Except for cunt parent, who thought it was the ideal situation to share her bigoted views. Obviously I told her where to stick them. At other times she tried getting parents on side for any other child she saw fit to take dislike to, which amounted to lots more than sn, ability, height, wealth, marital status, number of siblings, anything. And usually stemmed from 'any child I believe is not benefiting my pfb'. Whether that be the dc not kowtowing or a percieved disadvantage from staff because another dc got something she didn't. Just a general cunt and not worth getting upset over.

twinkletoedelephant Mon 07-Mar-16 13:14:00

Ds1 has ADHD and is judged by some mums at school.... As it seems is my decision not to medicate him at this time....
I have overheard mums discussing this.

He is a fantastic reader very imaginative and a good all rounder his teacher seems to get him and hes doing very very well at school he just needs to be kept busy and focus with lots of little movement breaks.

Ds2 has Austism lots of the parents/grandparents at the school see him as only the special needs boy as he has his own ta and can be a bit Spinny/flappy they assume he's not very bright.
He is actually very very academic, he just doesn't 'get' children.
At least weekly i get parents coming to me in the playground after they have 'helped' at school to tell me how well behaved/good/surprised they were about one of my boys.
Good days I nod and smile bad days I asked what exactly did they expect the difference to be from my child to another 7yr old...

RubbleBubble00 Mon 07-Mar-16 13:14:29

Chin up. I'm dealing with ignorant parent in reception as ds2 is struggling (eldest has adhd - I'm that mother of those boys in the school). I'm the queen of ignoring and fake smiling. It's hard when certain parents tell their child not to play with yours or they arnt happy unless u are loudly disciplining their behaviour.

unless they say something I would ignore, they are not going to change their ignorance.

RubbleBubble00 Mon 07-Mar-16 13:18:51

Wow twinkle - how do they even know if he's medicated or not.

I keep ds1 meds quiet as he takes them before school as it's no ones business but ours. It took me two years to accept medication but it's the best thing iv done for ds situation. He's access school cirriculum so much more easily. But it's a child by child decision and u do what's right for your child

BertBert Mon 07-Mar-16 15:28:43

Lurked - I think you've nailed the mum on the head! She is VERY VERY PFB!

It's sad to hear so many stories similar to mine - DS is also a very good reader & bright which seems to surprise people confused!

We decided to medicate DS and it was the right thing for us as, like Rubble's DS, it allowed DS to focus & participate on his work. DS has had to change meds after 18 months as he was becoming withdrawn and depressed. DS was being bullied around the time this started so not sure the meds were the only factor. Dose has been too low on new meds so not had any benefit yet & I think after 5 long weeks of DS bouncing of the walls, running across roads etc, this hit me harder than it usually would.

All I really want to do is to stand in the playground and yell at the top of my voice "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW FUCKING HARD THIS IS?" but I WILL rise above it whilst hoping her DS grows up to be a rebellious teenager

Lurkedforever1 Mon 07-Mar-16 17:38:34

bert people are only 'suprised' when you fail to tick all their nasty little boxes on their stupid stereotype/ pfb comparison mental checklist. Normal people don't put others into boxes based on a single aspect.

You're the mum of the child with adhd, but that's not a negative or bad quality for either you or him. Whereas she's the mum who is that parent, which is a negative and bad thing to be both for her and her ds. Unlike adhd being a pfb twat has no positives!

ouryve Mon 07-Mar-16 17:46:00

Having a child with a neurological difference is a great way of finding out who the twats are, pretty quickly. Parents of nt kids have to work it out the long winded way!

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