To not want to make ammends with my brother in law?

[Jayne266]

OK bit of a long post I apologise.
I have been with my Dh 10 years and married 5 years. I first met his brother and he hid behind a curtain (I just though he is socially awkward ) anyway a common ground was found, kinda. He drinks a lot and whiskey is his main conversation topic. Anyway fast forward few years on our wedding day my bil told my dad that he thought his brother could do better. (He back tracked later on after this but it was never the same) few more years passed and we had our ds who was 2 at the time and he started to joke about giving our ds miniatures (alcohol). I over heard this and said how highly inappropriate it was to joke about it. To which he responded he is his uncle and he could do what he wanted. As you can imagine I fought my ground as his mother and refused to see him again and was questioning his suitability around our ds.
Anyway I see him only at boxing day with our dh and ds and all of his family but not any other time. I don't stop my dh seeing him and I have had to force him to make a effort as he uses me as a escape route to see him when he wants. Now if we go to my dh family and he is there I do not object I will either go but make a short visit or tell my dh I will give it a miss.
He is moaning to my dh and his family how I am being unreasonable and will not forget my past problems with him. Now me personally I don't like him I don't have anything in common with him and tbh he creeps me out I have got past experiences with toxic people (my sister included) and I am happy to not have them as part of my life.
What would you do?

[annandale]

OK, from what you have written here it looks like you hugely overreacted and created a family feud from not a great deal. I would think it's quite likely that there's more to it than this, but if you really refused to see someone more than once a year based on a single stupid and offensive comment plus a joke, that's quite extreme to me. I can't believe that's all there was.

The only other comment I would have is that who is telling you all these nasty things he says? I would suggest that they either are natural stirrers or a bit naive and don't think you will react in the way that you do.

It's daft of him to talk about you behind your back and he doesn't sound like much of a prize, but I would just stop avoiding him and see him when he turns up.

[MrsRaegan]

Eh I think you've over reacted a bit tbh. I doubt he would actually give your 2 year old alcohol.

If you don't like him/want to spend time with him then don't.

[CaptainCrunch]

You have no sense of humour op. And melodramatic to boot, "fought my ground as a mother", pfft.

[theycallmemellojello]

I can obviously understand why you would have been very upset about the comment about your dh being able to do better. However since he is not being continually awful, I think the answer is to see him and be civil not to refuse to be around him, since this puts a strain on the entire family. The miniatures comment was not falling out worthy, presuming he was not actually planning to give your toddler booze.

[Jayne266]

Thank you for your reply the comment on my wedding day my dad told me and the alcohol thing I heard him myself. It wasn't the comments it was the fact he blew at me saying if he wanted to give him a drink he could because he is his uncle. I think the things combined with the fact I don't like him maybe hasn't healed.

[theycallmemellojello]

He sounds awful to be fair. I wouldn't worry about his complaining too much. I guess just tolerate as far as you're able and beyond that, disengage.

[evelynj]

I think you should make a bit more of an effort slowly & see how it goes. You may actually like him now but if there are any further weird or awkward/inappropriate moments or comments, let us know ;)

[annandale]

What on earth was your dad trying to achieve by telling you?

Just wondered who said about him saying you were being unreasonable - sounds like it was your DH? Perhaps your DH thinks you were being unreasonable.

[Jayne266]

Hi all just to clarify i generally didn't think he would let me son drink but he did have them in his hand and passed them to my ds. It was the response I got was how he was his uncle and he could do what he wanted attitude that got me upset.

[Chippednailvarnish]

I wouldn't bother with him personally, I can't be doing with the pretending everything is fine around heavy drinkers.

[Jayne266]

My dh and his family both don't understand why I won't forgive and forget because that's the way bil is and everyone just understands it.

[MammaTJ]

Oh deary me!! I had cake while holding my week old Granddaughter and made a joke about her wanting some! My DD looked horrified, although she should know me better, my DSIL laughed, especially at her horrified face!!

I am so glad they did not hold this against me!

I think no grown adult would really want to share their booze give alcohol to a baby and you over reacted!!

[shazzarooney99]

Seriously? you kicked up a stink about this? probabaly made your husband feel really akward, i think you need to grow up.

[leelu66]

YANBU, I think. If someone said I can do what I want because I'm his uncle, I'd be pretty angry. Would he say that to your DH? Is he quite sexist do you think?

When he says you should forget the past problems, do you think he has changed? What does he want, to see more of you and your DS?

It sounds like your DH doesn't like spending time with him either, so if neither of you like him then I don't see the point of maintaining more than polite relations.

[knaffedoff]

Gosh, I think your bil has been crass and his statements have been in poor taste, however he is your husbands brother and your child's uncle and for that reason, you need to make an effort to forge a basic and civil relationship.

[MeadowHay]

YABU. He sounds to me like a bit of a tool, but he's your BIL, so you're stuck with him as a family member and you need to suck it up and get on with things and be polite, civil, even kind where possible. You have massively overreacted and are creating problems for your extended family. You really need to make an effort to change this, for the sake of your DH and the rest of your family on his side, and your child(ren?) who have him as an uncle, not just for your BIL.

[Jayne266]

Thank you all I think the reaction although slightly mixed has given me the answer I needed. I think because I didn't like him already I have reacted harshly so I need to find a way to find a amicable middle ground.

[LoveBoursin]

Tbh I would just have organised things so that your dc wasn't in his care (on his own) whilst you are vistting.
I would also have just ignore comments etc... There is clearly something 'not quite right' (whether it's too much alcohol or something else I don't know) but I can't see, from what you said, enough to create such a huge discordance within the family. Or at least, not enough that I couldn't ignore it for the few times i the year you would have seen him.

[Chippednailvarnish]

you need to make an effort to forge a basic and civil relationship

Well, actually you don't. If his behaviour hasn't changed toward you, only seeing him occasionally for short periods is about right.

[Jayne266]

Madamdeathstare- my dh and him have a history when children which is not my place to talk about but he feels he needs to keep a eye on him. But as far as him liking him I would say no but my dh is lovely and might think by acting this way it makes it easier for me?

[knaffedoff]

Jayne, I don't think you need to find a middle ground you just need to be polite and civil, you may never be friends but like it or not you have family ties!!!!

[Paintedhandprints]

Actually some people do like to sneak babies and children things their parents and normal people wouldn't want them to have. My mother is always doing it. It wasn't too long ago sje was suggesting whiskey/ brandy on the gums for teething pain and to help my baby sleep. She also liked to give my ebf baby chocolate sweets and j2O. So I would stick with your limited and highly supervised contact arrangement op.

[Jayne266]

Knaffedoff- I hate the term family ties lol I don't even have that with some of my family. But reading your comment has made me realise it is easy to cut my family out and others but I didn't think how much it would affect my dh and his family. And I don't want my dh to be upset either so more effort is needed I think.