To need a private space from ex?

(10 Posts)
PerettiChelsea Sat 05-Mar-16 16:09:17

Exh lives in a one bed flat 10 miles away. The kids and I live in the family home, joint owned by us (mortgage paid by me)
He comes twice a week and it grates on me that he does all his parenting here, we just fell into that way of doing things because this house is bigger, nearer their school/friends etc & he's massively disorganised re doing anything, feeding the kids, dealing with dds allergy etc
Anyway now a year on its still the same, he has a key & lets himself in (and gets really cross if the latch is on because I haven't been out like this morning) and doesn't arrange anything all day (have just gone to the cinema at least) doesn't think about lunch so I made them all sandwiches & soup.
I don't want to be petty about the key, making him food or organising activities but on the other hand I'd like a freaking day off! It's like when he's here he slips back into us being a family, which is great for the kids im sure but I find it so so stressful. I don't like him, i don't want to spend time with him & I feel like my home is not my home iykwim
What really bugs me is him coming into my bedroom (I try to retreat there & watch Netflix in the evenings when he's here but he comes in for a 'chat! Pisses me off so much. Aibu to at least want my bedroom as a private place even though we joint own the house?

Inertia Sat 05-Mar-16 16:16:57

You need to put your foot down, he can do his parenting in his own home. Change the locks and tell him to take the children to his own house.

He's doing the human equivalent of passing on his territory.

Quoteunquote Sat 05-Mar-16 16:56:35

Can you sell the house and buy somewhere else?

Heirhelp Sat 05-Mar-16 17:00:41

Time to change things. Your whole house should be a private area. Tell them that he is not to come into your bedroom at all but that from April he will have to take the kids out anf you want your key back.Until then go in bedroom and shut the door or go out when he comes round.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sat 05-Mar-16 17:34:26

He should have fucked off out and stayed out on the day he took up this flat of his. Changing things now is going to be difficult-to-impossible.

In the first instance he comes at pre-arranged times and he does not let himself in. If that means changing the locks, so be it.

I suspect ultimately you're only going to have your home to yourself once this family home is sold and you move.

I cannot describe how confusing it must be for your children for him to be mooching around in their home as if you were all still living together permanently as you were before.

If you're really brave just tell him he doesn't live there any longer and therefore his no automatic right to cross your threshold. He needs to see his kids in his own time and in his own place.

rumbleinthrjungle Sat 05-Mar-16 17:54:54

I used to hate my father wandering back in and carrying on as if he'd never left when I was a child in this position. It made it much longer and slower for my DM and us to get used to the divorce and have a life/home of our own rather than feel we were stuck in suspended animation waiting for DF to waltz back in. It finally stopped when the house was sold but a clearer separation of lives would have made things far easier.

He needs to take them out. It's his contact time. He works out where they go, its called being a parent. My DF would have fought to the death being expected to be solely responsible for and entertain us without my DM doing 75% of the work and that was the root of the problem: zilch parenting skills. After the family home was sold he avoided contact until we were adults.

PerettiChelsea Sat 05-Mar-16 18:11:34

Can I demand my key back and tell him to take the kids out?? I mean legally, won't he just be able to say it's half his ?
I feel some guilt, I hate confrontation & a lot of the time I just think thank fuck I got him out the house f(that took years ffs) so two days is not that bad! But now I'm used to having 5 days free of him I've got greedy & wNt my other two !
I think as you say this will only end if I move - trouble is there's equity in the house & he'll have half presumably, I work part time on minimum & can only afford the mortgage because I have lodgers. I fear I wouldn't be able to afford a smaller house ironically.

PerettiChelsea Sat 05-Mar-16 18:18:20

t of the problem: zilch parenting skills. After the family home was sold he avoided contact until we were adults
Sadly this would happen. Sadly for the kids- he may have zilch parenting skills but the kids love him very much he's a big kid himself. I think he would be unable to look after them by himself. He once had them stay overnight on his sofa but the came back stinking of something weird & the eldest told me he has mould all over the windows & the loo was so dirty they couldn't touch it confused

NynaevesSister Sat 05-Mar-16 19:46:39

My cousin is doing this with her ex. Partly because it means that the children aren't being split between two homes and partly because she doesn't want the kids in his flat as she doesn't like his flat mate.

The way they work it at the moment is that he comes over one evening in the week and one day in the weekend. She goes out. Goes to the cinema or visits friends in the evening. She has a hobby on Saturdays that she does, then she visits her mum. Their arrangement is that she texts him at 9pm when she is outside, and he leaves (kids are in bed by then) so she doesn't have to talk with him. He always leaves the kitchen a mess. And most Saturday's he has fallen asleep on the sofa while the kids have watched DVDs. But he is getting better at it having been left to it and last weekend took them out for the day.

Like your ex he seemed to think they were friends and wanted to chat. She made it very clear to him that they were not friends. They were co parenting and if it didn't involve the kids she didn't want to see or hear from him.

Ideally she wants to build towards him having both children every other weekend at his own house. For now they are 4 and 8, and she feels the most secure with this arrangement.

She did change the locks. She does leave a front door key for him so has to trust that he won't get it copied. But she has made it very clear that he cannot walk in. He had to knock. And he cannot just drop by. The children need routine and need to know when they will see him. He has to stick to his days.

RubbleBubble00 Sat 05-Mar-16 22:39:57

Could u apply for mortgage in your own with income from lodgers?

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