and selfish or do I have the right to be upset?(46 Posts)
DP and i have a 10 month old baby and I'm 10 weeks pregnant, this pregnancy was a complete surprise as I'm 43 and he's 39, I won't go in to further details. We've had to do a lot of soul searching over what to do with this pregnancy and have decided to go ahead, it's been a really difficult time. DP leaves for work at 5am and gets home around 8-8.30pm, baby is in bed when he leaves and often in bed when he gets home. DP used to be a really keen cyclist but lost interest and has now taken up cycling again. He's started cycling every Saturday with another cycling buddy (a man) and often spends most of Sunday getting ready for work, he's a tradesman so has to sort out van and buy materials etc. Today he came back from a cycle ride and told me he's declaring this year the year of 'him', it's his year! He's going to train a lot, get fit and focused. Am I just being really hormonal (10 weeks pregnant!) to find this really selfish. I'm ashamed to say I burst in to tears. I can't work out whether it's because I would like the opportunity (and time) to just focus on me, or whether its because I feel he doesn't spend any time with us now, or whether it's because I will be heavily pregnant while he's getting lovely and trim. AIBU? We normally have a very good balanced relationship.
No, I don't think yabu. Sounds like you have a good relationship though - tell him how you feel.
YANBU but...talk to him. Don't let these feelings fester and, possibly, grow into something more than it is now.
Crikey!!! You are NOT being unreasonable at all! There is no way he can declare this when you already have a baby let alone another on the way! I think it would make me cry and I have a 4 & 2 yr old! Totally selfish behaviour on his part. You need to discuss this with him x
Id be extremely open with him about how you feel.
That does sound particularly thoughtless of him at this time but I'm sure he didn't mean it.
I often read on here about how much time people's hobbies take up and I do wonder how fair it is on the person left with the kids.
We have both only just started to fully Persue our interests agsin now that dd started school.
Thank you everyone x He knows I'm upset so is now walking around looking sheepish and confused. I'm going to take all of your advice and talk to him, clear the air. Thanks again x
What did he say when you burst into tears? Did he realise how awful his declaration sounded!? Ask him to put himself in your shoes for a bit!
How can a parent declare that any year it's a himself year?
Particularly with such a young child and another on the way?
Ask him if he's prepared to have next year as a You year.
It sounds like he's checking out on all of you and you should ask him if that's what he means.
The year of "him"???
My personal view is that if you're a parent to a very small child (and soon 2 children) then it's very selfish to declare that this year is going to be all about you and your goals.
Babies and toddlers need lots of time and attention and it's not fair for someone to dump all that on their partner so that they can spend all their free time on a hobby. You need some time where you can just focus on you too.
I agree you need to talk to him about it.
He can have a year for him in 19 years. Yanbu.
Actually, I think it would also be very selfish to have a year of "him" if the children were older.
Well, don't write him off just yet. He may not have thought that through after having had a good ride out today - exercise endorphins can make you feel really good about yourself and the world, he may have been on his own hormonal high when he opened his mouth to plant both feet
Talk to him and ask him what he intends to do about family time, being a parent, giving you some time out. Don't offer solutions, see what his reaction is. You'll know how much/little thought he has put into his 'year of me' as soon as he speaks
But YANBU, even if you weren't pregnant you wouldn't be.
sheepish and confused good signs.
It sounds like he's checking out on all of you and you should ask him if that's what he means. Might not go straight to that tack. Give him the opportunity to backtrack. DH can be a dolt. So can I. It's allowed.
This is just typical 'man' behaviour. He won't have at all considered the implications for you, your children, how you might be feeling currently, how much his time out of the house affects you - he will have just thought 'I'm going to get fit this year' and then said it to you.
What does that mean broken down into time?
Does he mean more time out of the house than currently? Is he cutting down on work or how is he fitting all this training in round his baby and new baby when it comes? Has he factored in childcare and ensuring you having equivalent time to focus on yourself?
Are you in full time work? If not do go back. It really does ensure equality and happiness in relationships.
He's probably noticed he's going to turn 40 and wants to make sure he's fit enough to be around for his family in the future (which is a good idea, really).....without realising that he needs to be there as a physical, helping presence as a first priority RIGHT NOW and through the next demanding years.
Tell him being a busy, hands-on Dad will keep him fit!
With young children you can have a day for you occasionally, or a couple of hours. Any more, like a marathon or a golf habit or something you seriously have to train for you need a very capable and understanding partner, a nanny or a habit of rising very, very early.
I think the pregnancy has a lot to do with it. As you have decided to go ahead he may want to ensure his health is as best as possible so that he is around for the child, active enough during the early years and able to support them as at 60 he will still have a dependant at university.
As life is not going as planned, cycling may be his outlet.
Without asking him his actual plans and reasoning behind it, you don't know what he's thinking or worrying about.
We've had to do a lot of soul searching over what to do with this pregnancy and have decided to go ahead
I'm trying to phrase this as gently as possible, but I would probably revisit that conversation. It's pretty clear that whatever soul-searching he's done, it hasn't quite brought it home to him what life will be like once the second baby arrives.
It doesn't sound like he's being deliberately selfish, but he definitely doesn't sound like he's firmly committed to the idea of being a father of two very young children either, if he genuinely thinks this is the time to put his fitness and hobbies first.
Actually this could be a reaction to the unplanned pregnancy. He may be feeling out of control of it (i certainly did when i had an unplanned pregnancy and i freaked out a fair bit) and the training etc may be his way of regaining a sense of control over something.
What Lweji said
*How can a parent declare that any year it's a himself year?
Particularly with such a young child and another on the way?*
You know, in his shoes even if I thought it, I wouldn't say it! Its so insensitive.
Hopefully you will clear the air with him. Sometimes I think its this notion here of "we can have it all" when the reality is no, you can't When you've checked into a relationship and parenthood then you have to put other things on hold for a time, that goes for both mum and dad.
Anyway he can have his "year of him" if he factors in time to be a hands on dad, and around at times so you can get to do some things you would like to do, even if thats a hobby or class once or twice a week, or have a sleep. Whatever it may be. If he hasn't got the time then he'll just have to drop something else he's doing, won't he. Like a lot of us end up doing when we become parents.
From your post its clear he doesn't even see your child much. Another reason for him to drop something he is doing, for a time. He's just not present, so the free time he does get, its not fair to spend it with a mate eg all day/evening Saturday. Thats not on
When I was about 7 months pregnant with our second my DH came home from work all excited because he'd got everyone to agree that each teacher had to have one day a week where they did no work at home. He thought this was brilliant because it meant he'd have a free evening so we could have a date night each week. I was a bit "well, ok but with a small baby it's probably not going to really be much for a while". Then he said but it might mean he wouldn't be home until after dinner if any work needs doing that night. And I flipped because having sorting out dinner for a toddler with a tiny baby screaming at me was in no way made up for by him not having to work that night! He had been so pleased with himself about the whole thing and had just not considered what having a baby and toddler would be like.
How much time does he spend cycling now? Our 2 dc are small and we have another on the way and DH doesn't see them during the week either. So weekends are his only time to spend with them. Which considering they are only awake 12 hours a day, is not really a lot. I would be very hurt on their behalf (they miss him terribly and often cry for him) if he wanted 25% of that time or something similar for himself and taken away from the dc, who need him.
He has a time consuming hobby and is in the TA but that has had to be reduced massively. He gets one full day every other month to do his hobby (night before, all day sunday, then home late) and he is under strict instructions that he cannot spend the day leading up to it playing with his equipment and disappearing into the loft for hours. He also can do one eve a week and 2 full weekends a year. That was our agreement when he was desperate for a third.
I also think if he has to spend all day Sunday sorting stuff out for work (does he really need to do this? I grew up in a family of tradesman and my dad, uncles etc never spent their weekend time doing this - it was part of the the time for the job they were working on) then i would say sorry but all day Saturday is for the children and you. Someone on here once said to me wisely about my dh 'the time for time consuming hobbies is when you don't have children or are retired' and i do think it's true. An hour or 2 bike ride -fine, training in the evening when the dc are asleep - fine. But stealing their one day with their dad a week away from them is not on and i would be very sad if my dh even wanted to do that.
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