To still be devastated by my Dad's death after so long?

(18 Posts)
gBean Fri 04-Mar-16 23:08:53

My beloved dad died 14 years ago this year and frankly, I'm a bloody mess. It would have been his birthday yesterday and I'm just in pieces.

Surely after all this time it should be easier?

The grief is horrendous. I miss him terribly.

chipsandpeas Fri 04-Mar-16 23:11:03

im 10 years passed this year since my dad died and its difficult at times, mainly when im drunk i get really emotional especally the past few months knowing the anniversary is coming up

Summerdiamond Fri 04-Mar-16 23:14:05

Nope u not at all, I think & it's a bit of a cliche but v true, u learn to live with it rather than get over it, the loss of a parent is awful- I'm nearly 11 years now & it's all still so fresh & sad, birthdays, Christmas & anniversaries just emphasise it more.
flowers wine

WonkoTheSane42 Fri 04-Mar-16 23:15:39

I think you need some help. I'm terribly sorry for your loss, but you know it's not normal to be a "bloody mess" 14 years after a bereavement. Time should smooth off the rough edges of grief. For whatever reason this hasn't happened for you, and it's negatively impacting your life. Talk to your doctor about potential therapies, e.g CBT.

gBean Fri 04-Mar-16 23:21:32

Thank you.

katemiddletonsothermum Fri 04-Mar-16 23:25:34

Echoing Summerdiamond - mine died in 2004 and I still need his advice. It took me years to stop spontaneously crying. I now find myself talking to him out loud, especially when I need his advice.

LilithTheKitty Fri 04-Mar-16 23:26:02

My grandad died ten years ago and I still miss him so much and get so sad when I think of him. I don't think it's wrong that the loss of a closer relative like a parent is still so hard for you. I'm sorry for your loss. flowers

christinarossetti Fri 04-Mar-16 23:27:21

It depends how frequently and how long you're a 'bloody mess' for, I would say.

A difficult build up to important anniversaries, being knocked sideways by something unexpected eg someone else chatting about their dad is pretty normal.

If you are a bloody mess significantly more of the time than you're not, and it's causing you problems in your life now, that's more problematic.

I agree that counselling/therapy is probably worth looking into either via GP or privately.

Bunbaker Fri 04-Mar-16 23:30:58

I think Wonko may be right

I lost my dad in 1987 and my mum in 1990 just before Christmas. By now I just feel nostalgic, not sad. I stopped mourning them a log time ago.

I loved my parents and had a good relationship with them, but I had moved away and was used to not seeing them very often. Maybe this is why I didn't feel their loss so keenly.

Samcro Fri 04-Mar-16 23:32:24

op so sorry for your loss.my dear dad died 7 years ago and I miss him so much

BurningBridges Sat 05-Mar-16 01:11:24

My Mum died 40 years ago; I found the grief comes back and gets worse at certain times. There's something called complicated grief which happens when you have several bereavements, or something else traumatic happens. But in any case your GP will be able to help, or google for grief support.

Sorry you are going through this OP.

VimFuego101 Sat 05-Mar-16 01:20:42

My dad died in 2009. It's still like learning to walk again when you've lost a leg. I was back at work a day later and carried on as normal for a long time afterwards, it took a while to sink in.

Ginkypig Sat 05-Mar-16 02:12:55

My dad 10 years ago.

Yesterday for no apparent reason I suddenly was overwhelmed and burst into tears. That's how losing an important person works I think. Your ok then your not then your ok again.

Most of time I'm ok although I miss him.

Anniversarys arnt nice obviously.

I think if it affecting your life then seek help, but if mostly your ok then just be kind to yourself on the few times you miss him.

steff13 Sat 05-Mar-16 05:51:30

My dad died 17 years ago, and my mom died 14 years ago. I am ok most of the time, but certain days like their birthdays, the days they died, my birthday, are still a bit difficult.

daffodilsandbooks Sat 05-Mar-16 06:18:07

It also depends on your age when you lost them.

I don't really miss my mum (18 years this April; I was still at school then) but my dad I do miss, very much but then that's not even two years.

I really keenly feel not having any living parents now. Sometimes I feel a bit cheated.

greypinkandpurple Sat 05-Mar-16 06:51:30

Just over a year ago
Miss him lots
we were apart for the last few years and the knowledge that we have lost that time hurts the most

confusedandemployed Sat 05-Mar-16 07:03:44

It'll be 19 years this June since my mum died. I'm mostly OK now but certain things will make me tearful (her favourite songs, how much my DD looks like her sometimes).
On Wednesday I was having a tough time and suddenly I was sobbing so hard I literally couldn't breathe, I missed her so much. This hasn't happened for years (ever?).
If you're such a mess for more of the time than you're not, you should see someone.

I agree with the PP who said you never really get over losing a parent. It's such a fundamental loss, the loss of one of your life's anchors.

Bunbaker Sat 05-Mar-16 09:25:28

"I agree with the PP who said you never really get over losing a parent."

I'm not sure that I agree with this, otherwise everyone who has ever lost a parent would still be grieving. I am not hard hearted, or I don't consider myself to be, but it stopped hurting many years ago. I was 29 when my dad died and 32 when my mum died. They never became grandparents in their lifetime. On anniversaries I think about them, but not in a sad way. I just remember and think "it would have been my mum's birthday today", but that is all.

If my dad was still alive he would be 107 and my mum would be 97, so I know that realistically they wouldn't be alive now anyway. We also have MIL's alzheimers to deal with and I sometimes think how fortunate that my parents didn't have this terrible condition.

"I really keenly feel not having any living parents now. Sometimes I feel a bit cheated"

I don't, but I think DD feels cheated at only ever having had one grandparent (OH's dad died when he was 4), and I feel sad for her that we have such a small family who all live to far away to just visit for a few hours.

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