To hate sleepovers because of this?

(63 Posts)
MattDillonsPants Fri 04-Mar-16 12:30:48

I avoid them where possible. But just now and then I have to let DDs have them.

My issue is "other people's children" in the main.

I am always shocked when they challenge me....even on small things. AIBU to think that it must be down to bad parenting?

My DC would never challenge the parent of a friend like this child has! Examples are..me telling the girls that they need to go back to their room...we're not in the UK and it's night here...10.30 and they're aged 8...they'd got out of bed and come into the kitchen for water which they already had in their bedroom...and the visiting child said "But we just want to watch the tv."

Similarly earlier, DH put a film on in DDs room for them and the friend said :Awwww...we want to watch it in the sitting rooooom"

hmm

Another one is me saying their dinner was ready and could they come and the friend saying "I just want to finish this puzzle.'

Erm...no. Your dinner is ready now, put it down please.

She KEPT TRYING. So frustrating!

Constant. Everything we do....this child has had sleepovers here before, she has them at other people's houses...so it's not that she's uncomfortable...they've been well fed, exercised and entertained. She IS a nice kid in so many ways....is this normal? To challenge like this?

Am I really strict?

If you were to answer me honestly, would your child challenge their friend's parents like this?

crabbiearses Fri 04-Mar-16 12:47:03

yes i think kids push boundaries where they can , so their parents aren't even aware they do this at other peoples houses , i find just being firm and fair and they soon back down.

bornwithaplasticspoon Fri 04-Mar-16 12:54:31

Getting up at 10.30pm is not acceptable and they'd be straight back to bed with a stern warning - either go to sleep or talk quietly!

'Just finishing a puzzle' wouldn't bother me too much, it's their dinner going cold, not mine.

Wanting to watch TV in sitting room - my dd 9 doesn't have her own TV so she watches in the lounge anyway.

Sleepovers are bloody hard work if you get a child that doesn't just 'get on with it'. IMO playdates and sleepovers should run themselves, my only involvement should be supplying food and enforcing sleep time, if a child makes it hard work they are not invited back - at least not in the short term.

Castasunder Fri 04-Mar-16 13:51:57

Oh god I get this with my dd's friends ALL the time. One child in particular is horrendous- I'll put something in front of them to eat, and she'll just look at me and say 'but I don't want that' . Wtf?
She does all the things you've said- challenges me about bedtimes, food, noise. You name. What I really can't stand though is watching my own dd's attitude decline while she's here, which I then respond to by telling her off. Her friend will then interrupt me , to tell me not to tell DD off and that I'm being mean. Seriously.
I don't have the words for this kid and I swear over and over not to let her back, and yet somehow it just happens. Funnily enough though, she's just the worst of my dd's friends, they are ALL challenging to me in my own house along a similar vein to what you describe and they are 9yoangry

NightWanderer Fri 04-Mar-16 13:59:16

Not a sleepover but a friend of DS (aged 7) came over to play the other day. He first asked for snacks. I gave them all donuts but he was disappointed and wanted sweets. I said we didn't have any sweets. He then started looking around asking if we had any stuffed toys we didn't need. He really had his eye on one in particular but DS explained to him it was special so he couldn't have it. He then asked me if we had any pencils. He wanted a new pencil for school. I explained that DS needed all his pencils. He was still disappointed so I asked DS if he had any spare trading cards, DS has loads of doubles. He had a look through but there weren't any he wanted. He then decided he would go home. He left with two donuts, asked again if we didn't have any sweeties. Then headed home. I was just dying laughing at this crazy kid.

SaucyJack Fri 04-Mar-16 13:59:17

"If you were to answer me honestly, would your child challenge their friend's parents like this?"

I don't know. I'm not there!!

For all you know, the other girl's mum may have started this exact thread about your DD on Netmums.... wink

I tend to assume the worst about DD1 tho. I'm always pleasantly surprised when I go to pick her up and her friends' parents aren't crying.

gandalf456 Fri 04-Mar-16 13:59:20

No, it's not just you and I thought it was because I was too soft and that kids were taking advantage. I hope mine don't do it at other people's houses. I think my son does moan if he doesn't like something that they are eating . I do apologize for him and forewarn them that my kids are a pain in the arse regarding food and to just ignore them.

Some play dates are easier than others and you get to know which ones you don't mind having back and which ones you think 'Oh n' and so you don't invite them so often.

Generally speaking, I hate play dates and I hate looking after other people's children and I don't like admitting that because it's a very grumpy attitude but there you go....I'm turning into my mother

Don't your DC ever 'challenge' you on anything? I use inverted commas because I don't really see the examples you've given as being that challenging. Kids have opinions too, seems to me all this one is doing is expressing it, doesn't mean you have to backtrack on what you've said.

What is 'bad parenting' anyway? I mean besides the obvious abuse/neglect it sounds as if you expect these DC to just comply with your wishes because you said so..is that really how you want your DC to be? I could do without a lot of the 'challenges' I get from my DC but I also don't want them to blindly do whatever any adult tells them to do just because they tell them to do it. I want them to at least feel their opinion is valid. That isn't the same as getting their own way. In your position I'd say something along the lines of "I know you'd really like to stay up/watch TV/finish this puzzle, but it's really late/you can watch TV in the other room/dinner is ready now" if the child continued to press the issue my stance would be "you feel really strongly about this" but continue with the boundary. It's just a difference of opinion, it's not like she's running riot.

AlmaMartyr Fri 04-Mar-16 14:29:37

Yes, I've had this. Tbh, it's never been bad enough for me to say anything to the parent. My DCs aren't like that at home but I wouldn't know what they're like at other people's homes. I hope they aren't like that, but they might be.

Shesinfashion Fri 04-Mar-16 14:30:58

Ive had loads of sleepovers at ours. The children you describe sound like every single one of them! One little girl (8) woke up early and tried to get in bed with me and my DP. I think it's just other people's kinds are generally more jarring on your nerves cos you can't properly tell them off when they're cheeky.

RubyRoseViolet Fri 04-Mar-16 14:34:47

I agree with you Op, Dd used to have some sleepovers with friends who behaved like that (sometimes worse) so we don't have them anymore. We only have the children who behave themselves.

Actually, she's a teenager now and
all her friends are lovely when they come round. I just don't accept that "all children can be like this" Dd isnt and neither are the majority of her friends.

gandalf456 Fri 04-Mar-16 14:37:20

Personally, I'd expect a child to be slightly shy of adults in another person's house. I'd expect them to challenge their parents at home but another adult they don't know well?? I think it's different. And, yes, I suppose I'd expect them to be more compliant with me because they are less familiar.

I do find a lot of other people's children very over familiar, which surprises me. While I was at home, I would challenge my parents but I never remember arguing with any of my friends' parents over whether I should come and sit at the table or finish my puzzle. This is something I'd have saved for home. I would have just done as I was told.

The other thing is that I struggle a bit with being firm with a guest in my house and I hate having that challenge because I don't expect it. And I especially hate it when that child brings my own children's behaviour downhill. They are still children and I am the adult so I should be in charge in my own home. Most requests, such as coming to dinner when asked are quite reasonable so should be complied with, whatever their opinion on the matter. They can save their challenges for their own house, for their own parents

MattDillonsPants Fri 04-Mar-16 14:41:02

CupofTea well yes....I DO expect children who are guests to comply with the basics such as when it's bedtime, when it's mealtimes etc.

If my own DC had a moan at me, I wouldn't mind SO much but mine just don't. They don't always eat what I offer etc...but they'd NEVER challenge a friend's parents who made a reasonable and sensible request such as "Come in for dinner."

Never.

And Gandalf....don't you teach your son that it is rude to complain about food to your hosts?

MattDillonsPants Fri 04-Mar-16 14:42:19

My question just now was referring to Gandalfs first post...in which she suspects her son of complaining about food at other people's houses.

Kitsandkids Fri 04-Mar-16 14:43:01

I'm sure my 7 year old would be a right cheeky little so and so at somebody else's house if I wasn't there. He behaves well when I'm there but does what he wants when I'm not if he thinks he can get away with it. But, I therefore wouldn't accept a sleepover if he was invited to one!

MattDillonsPants Fri 04-Mar-16 14:44:24

CupofTea the children's opinion IS NOT valid when it comes to bedtime. I don't want to stand there at ten thirty listening to their bloody opinion!

Get to bed! You're eight!

That's not to say I want my DC to blindly follow instructions as you put it thank you. I make sure my children know all about standing up for themselves and how to deal with situations which make them uncomfortable and they're very strong children. They wouldn't question the routine of a home they were staying in though! Not when it comes to bed or meals.

VioletVaccine Fri 04-Mar-16 14:45:48

I'm off sleepovers because the last one my DDs had, they ended up catching head lice angry

NotNob Fri 04-Mar-16 14:46:36

I've had them wandering into my bedroom, nagging me, telling me not to reprimand my DC and refusing to leave when it's time to go. I would NEVER have acted like this. I'm undecided how I suppose DC behaves when out but I think I've instilled good manners and pray for the best.

NotNob Fri 04-Mar-16 14:49:20

It's odd because even the familiarity rather than cheekiness surprises me. One kid frequently joins me in the kitchen for a chin wag, goes to the fruit bowl and says "Hey NotNob, mind if I help myself to one of these nectarines?" He's 6! I've nothing to complain about really, it's just the familiarity which is alien to me. When I were a lass etc...

claraschu Fri 04-Mar-16 14:54:28

I agree with CupOfTea the girl at your house wouldn't bother me, OP, though some of the others on this thread certainly would.

I love having children over who are willing to talk to me, are friendly, and capable of expressing opinions and sometimes being humourous. Too many of my daughter's friends at that age would only say things to me like: "Please may I have a drink", "Thank you for having me", etc, in a kind of singsong monotone, and would look alarmed if I ever chatted with them or said something a bit off the wall. These were girls I had known for 5 years and had for sleepovers on dozens of occasions.

I guess that most people would think they were well brought up (which of course they were), but I feel that lots of British kids are fed a series of formulae about how to interact with adults, which leaves them unable to react spontaneously.

gandalf456 Fri 04-Mar-16 14:58:32

Of course! But he sometimes.still does it. He's getting better with age. I forewarn parents so that they feel comfortable dealing with him as they see fit . If you feel you can't or might upset the parents then you definitely won't have them back. He did this food thing with a neighbour and she got him to eat a Chinese takeaway which he hasn't had here.

Sometimes the cheekiness is funny. One told me his mum likes him going outside without shoes and lets him have three biscuits

AppleSetsSail Fri 04-Mar-16 15:03:40

I like to think that my children don't challenge their friend's parents when at their houses (no one is ever going to tell you, are they?) - but in my experience, kids are generally very compliant with adults other than their parents.

I very rarely have to tell a child other than my own, of course to do something twice. They seem like skittish bunny rabbits at my house. Maybe I'm scary.

voluptuagoodshag Fri 04-Mar-16 15:04:50

I've primed my kids with instructions for any sleepovers when they are at our own house. They have to tell them the rules and I tell the kids themselves when they are here. You go to bed when I tell you and yes it's allowed to be a little later. When you do go to bed you can chat for a wee while but no jumping around yelling etc. When you wake up in the morning you do not get up and go downstairs until 7am (my kids are good sleepers and always have been - I refuse to have them getting up at 5am to play the Xbox). I also say that if they don't like these rules then they don't get a sleepover.

There is one boy, seldom sleeps over, but he is always pushing for the next thing. Drives me up the wall. DS will be told on a certain school night that no pals are coming back nor is he going to a pals as there is too much on and taxi-ing here and there. Doesn't stop this kid appearing at the door with DS to ask if he can come in (DS gets a nagging later for not being more specific). I say no, away home and then he says well can I come round later then. Still no. Can I come round after tea? No. Can DS come to mine for tea once he has finished his homework? By this time I have an overwhelming urge to scream in his face. But I don't of course, just politely repeat no until I'm blue in the face.

I can never relax if other kids are here for sleepovers. It's something I never did as a child until I was a teenager.

Castasunder Fri 04-Mar-16 15:07:06

I am all for kids having their own opinion, bla bla, but seriously, I've made the mistake of offering my own dd an opinion on far too many non-negotiables such as bed time and homework and I now find myself at times with a very precious little madame. I don't like it or accept it from her and I don't like it from other people's children , because as another poster said upthread, there's very little you can say to someone else's kid. I have actually had an incident where dd was really annoying on a play date at meal time, complaining about what was on offer- Spag Bol. My dd loves it but was horrified that there wasn't a more 'treat' type morsel on the menu and made it known. Granted she was only 5 at the time, but I was mortified and let her know my feelings on the matter. It occurred to me soon after that I have no idea how she behaves on play dates but I can guess. Consequently I have had to let go any notion of the idea that she's entitled to an opinion when she's a guest in someone else's home. Likewise , I can't stand to be challenged by a small child in my house- I've even had them in my bedroom routing through my makeup, while my dd takes no responsibility for her friends behaviour and says she 'couldn't stop them'.
One of her friends has a huge appetite and asks for a lot of treat food. My dd is similar, but I have to restrict her. Her friend complained to my face that I was mean with food and how her own mum doesn't do that, etc etc.

being awful on a play date to the mother an

MattDillonsPants Fri 04-Mar-16 15:12:05

I think it's interesting; I'm from Nothern England and grew up in the 70s. Things were pretty archaic because it was a very traditional town...a mining town with old fashioned values etc. It probably had more in common with the 1950s really.

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