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AIBU?

is it me or DP?

48 replies

FeedMyFaceWithJaffaCakes · 02/03/2016 23:16

Don't want to post too much invade I put myself... But...
Myself and DP have been in LDR for 5 years, until recently and are now looking to buy a house together. Currently, He's living in the nearest big city with his family as its closer for work and I'm with mine where I've always been while I've been waiting for him. We have put an offer on a house today so all very exciting, no problems in our relationship generally.
My AIBU is: DP has suggested that if we get the house (a 1.30 min train commute for him to work) that he stay with his family for a while until he "saves up" for a season ticket, as in his mind we have fees to pay as well as the house to furnish. In my mind, he has a work scheme for season ticket, we have money for fees set aside and family have offered us some furniture and we can furnish as we go along?!!

Please give me your opinions
Ta very much!

OP posts:

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NurseRosie · 02/03/2016 23:31

I think if you've been waiting to live together for a while and are willing to move from where you have been for ages to be with him, he should bite the bullet and move in with you. It will be nice for you guys to set up your house together. It's a very exciting time that should be shared.
Have you told him how you feel? Maybe don't give him an option. Say if he isn't ready to buy and be together you won't proceed because you want to do it together. He will realise there is no reason why not to move.
He isn't going to save that much and money is not more important than you and your life together, you are not being unreasonable.

RudeElf · 02/03/2016 23:36

I think youre insane to buy a house with someone you've never lived with!

Wrt your question, he needs to cut the apron strings and it would worry (big style considering how much money you're about to jump in for) me that he is stalling! Remove your offer on the house until this is settled. You dont wait til after you've bought the house to find out he doesnt actually want to live there!

321zerobaby · 02/03/2016 23:38

He doesn't seem very keen, is he getting cold feet?

BackforGood · 02/03/2016 23:43

I also think it might have been a good plan to try renting together for a bit first... work out if he can stand the commute, but mainly, work out how you get along living with one another before getting the long term commitment of a house together.

Practically, yes, of course you can furnish as you go along, and surely if he starts saving now, by the time the house gets to completion, he will have saved enough anyway, so it's a bit of a mute point. At least, if he can't save enough over 3 months or so whilst living at home, then I don't see how he will ever be able to afford it once paying a mortgage and all the other bills associated with owning a home.

Fatmomma99 · 02/03/2016 23:46

I think he's trying to tell you something. I'm so sorry.
maybe he doesn't feel ready?

VegasIsBest · 03/03/2016 05:36

A 1.30 commute sounds horrendous. Does that mean he'll spend 3 hours a day commuting? It sounds like he doesn't want to do that - which is understandable. Surely if the relationship is going to work you need to physically move closer to your jobs, so at least one of you needs a new job.

Fairylea · 03/03/2016 06:16

Definitely sounds very cold feet ish to me, sorry.

I agree with someone up thread who said they wouldn't buy a house with someone they haven't lived with. Could you rent together first? Much easier to get out of and will give you a chance to test the waters!

Shutthatdoor · 03/03/2016 06:22

I agree with Vegasisbest

allnewredfairy · 03/03/2016 06:53

Jeez! Tell him you'll move in when he moves in and in the meantime you'll get a tenant in to cover the mortgage.
H is BVU!

Gotheftosleep · 03/03/2016 06:55

Why are you buying a house so far from his work? What's your commute going to be? It does sound like he's not keen on the journey and tbh I wouldn't be either. To get to work for 9 he'd need to be on a train by 7.30 latest, so up at what, 6.30? And then if he finishes at 5.30, he might not get home til 7, 7.30 assuming he has to wait for a train?

I think you should talk to him about this again - why put yourselves under any more pressure than you have to?

Iggi999 · 03/03/2016 06:55

Don't buy a house with him. Rent for 6 months and see how you go, and whether or not he's actually moved in.

SanityClause · 03/03/2016 07:19

I agree that the 1:30 commute doesn't seem well thought out. I assume that's because you can't afford to live closer? (I know we could not afford to buy our house, now.)

BUT! You are moving in together, something you have never done (?) in quite difficult circumstances (long commute, house not properly furnished, big financial commitments). Talk about baptism of fire!

If it doesn't work out, you will have had huge costs that you can never recoup (stamp duty, solicitors fee, mortgage arrangement fees).

And your DP has cold feet, so he's not even that sure he wants to do it.

If I were you, I would rent something that you can afford in the area you are moving to and let him know he is welcome to join you when he feels ready to. If you can buy just in your name, do that. Then, give him a deadline in your own mind. If he hasn't moved in with you after, say, six months, or a year, tops, you will know he's not all that committed to the relationship, after all.

Zampa · 03/03/2016 07:23

I did a 90 minute commute each way. I lasted 8 months. I had no time to myself during the week. I thought it would be OK but it really wasn't.

Please take some of the advice you've been offered above. I think it will save a lot of future heart ache.

AyeAmarok · 03/03/2016 07:29

Why do you want to buy somewhere so far from his work? A 90 minute commute each way is a killer.

maybebabybee · 03/03/2016 07:34

I know it's not what you asked but please please don't buy somewhere with someone you haven't lived with yet!!

XanderHarris · 03/03/2016 07:39

I'm confused. He wants you to pay all the mortgage while he saves up for the ticket? If so that is seriously unreasonable!

Goingtobeawesome · 03/03/2016 07:40

Sounds like he doesn't want to leave mummy.

Chocolatteaddict1 · 03/03/2016 07:42

Why havnt you lived with each other in private rent before ?

Funinthesun15 · 03/03/2016 07:44

Sounds like he doesn't want to leave mummy

No, sounds like he doesn't want a 3 hr/day commute. don't blame him

FigMango1 · 03/03/2016 07:45

I don't think you should underestimate that commute. It will get to the both of you in no time. Seriously you've never lived together, you really don't know how the reality is. Throw in a horrendous commute and it will be more problems than you expect. Why not do a trial of say 6 months and then see how it's all working out.

BaronessEllaSaturday · 03/03/2016 07:45

My dd has been doing a 90 minute commute for the last few months (now down to 30 mins due to passing test and getting a car) She was permanently exhausted, I never saw her she would literally come in the house eat her tea and the go to bed. A relationship would stuggle to survive the resentment that can cause. Do not underestimate how much stress this would place on both of you

WhatsGoingOnEh · 03/03/2016 07:49

Hold on - why is it cheaper for him at his parents' house? Will he not be contributing to the mortgage on your shared home while he lives with them? Are you meant to fund it all by yourself in that time? Can you afford to??

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Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 03/03/2016 07:49

A 3 hour round commute sounds horrendous, can't you choose an area with a more reasonable travel time? Hpw long will your commute be?

I also agree with PPs who suggest you try renting somewhere together first, loving together can really make ot break a relationship, if it's the latter there is no messy financial stuff to sort out, of you buy it would be awful.

Have you ever spent time living together,or just weekends?

He should be as excited as you are and after 5 years you'd think he'd want to move straight in! Sorry OP, this doesn't sound good

Plateofcrumbs · 03/03/2016 08:24

You've been an LDR for five years, buying a house together and rather than being thrilled at the prospect of setting up home together he's proposing he doesn't even plan to move in initially?

Hmm.

Either he's being sensible, measured and thinking it'll be better to ease into the move and getting accustomed to living under the same roof amongst all the upheaval.

Or he's not that committed to the idea.

Hard to say which.

FetchezLaVache · 03/03/2016 09:10

I don't think you've really thought this through.

Is the house you propose to buy in your city, or between yours and his? Is there no way that one or the other of you could change jobs so that your future home is a realistic commute for both of you?

I also echo what PPs have said about not going straight into house buying but renting for a while first. I bought a flat with my first long-term boyfriend without ever having lived together, and it lasted six months. He suddenly morphed into Mr Spreadsheet and insisted on splitting every bill down to the last penny, despite earning four times as much as I did. Fortunately, he was able to buy me out, but had that not been the case I presume we'd have been forced to share our home until it could be sold...

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