to think 'H' is a twat and I should LTB?

(47 Posts)
ThinkingABoutLTB Wed 02-Mar-16 13:03:31

Picture these scenarios and tell me if IBU please.

Scenario 1

DH is from another country but we met here in the UK. He speaks English very well and has siblings and cousins here. On the sporadic visits to his family, they all speak his language while I sit in silence most of the time. DH wants to stay for hours aware that I find it difficult. All his family can speak English but they rarely include me in conversation. Most of the time during the visits, I am thinking 'WTF am I sitting here for when I am being ignored'.

When our DD was small, DH's parents come over the UK for a year, they split their time between DH's brother's house and our house. DH and I both worked fulltime, his parents decide they want to look after DD while we are at work. I preferred her to be in nursery as they are quite old but agree so they can build a relationship with her. In the evening, DH sits and talks with his family in their language (parents do not speak English, nor do they try to) when I try to include myself in the conversation, DH gets irritated as he can't be bothered to translate. As DD is spending time with DH's parents, she becomes bilingual very quickly which is fine and quite often speaks to me in DH's language. I can't understand what my own DD is saying and they are all speaking DH's language which I can't understand. I get a bit pissed off at times as I feel isolated in my own home. During this time, I am doing the bulk of household stuff/admin while DH comes home from work and sits with his parents. DH's parents complain that they don't like the atmosphere between in our house. DH blamed me and still brings it up.

As background DH's parents threatened to cut him off when they found out about our relationship as they did not want him to marry outside of his culture. His siblings were also furious and I don't feel that I have ever been 'accepted'. They don't acknowledge DC's birthdays or Christmas as it is not in their culture despite knowing that our DC's are being brought up in UK culture.

His language is very difficult to learn due to the accent on words and how fast they speak. I didn't have time to learn it quite honestly. I have been told that it is one of the hardest languages to learn and even now years later, I have not been able to learn it. We see very little of DH's family so I don't hear it spoken often as DH speaks English at home. We have spent a few weeks over several summers in his country but I have not been there long enough to pick it up. DH thinks because he learnt English, I should have learnt his language but he learnt it because he was living here (and at school in his home country). I imagine I would have learnt it by now if we lived his home country. This is something that was brought up today as he blames me for 'making' him move out of London where his family is as I refused to bring DC up there. Because of this he feels that he has lost contact with his family as they can't be arsed to drive 30 miles to visit us. We used to go down regularly but it was never reciprocated. Also as I cannot speak the language, it is also my fault the DC can't speak it!

Scenario 2

I had what could be described as a nervous breakdown a few years ago due to some very traumatic events in my past that I never dealt with and being under a lot of stress in general. DH has never dealt with anything at home from housing/finance/DCs school stuff/medical stuff/general running of the home. He has left everything to me citing it being easier for me to deal with as I know how this country works better than him hmm. During the period of my mini breakdown which was not bad enough that the DCs were neglected, clothes were not ironed, the house was a mess, dinner was not cooked or any school event forgotten (so DH was not really affected apart from me needing someone to talk to), he never once offered me support, hugged me, told me he was there for me etc. He basically told me to get over it and pull myself together.

A lot of the issues revolved around my family who DH had been heavily involved for 20 years at that point. They caused me a lot of hurt at how they treated me but DH never got involved, never tried to speak to them to find out what was going on. Eventually they all cut me off (and him and DCs therefore) and he was angry at me for causing the situation but never once did he try to intervene on my behalf knowing I was really struggling with it. He was annoyed that I was seeing a therapist as he resented the fact that we were paying for it. TBH I don't know how I came through it without throwing myself off a bridge. He now quite often tells me I am nuts and mental, would never have married me if he had know that I was 'damaged' and 'no wonder your family don't want to know you'. He saw me at my most vulnerable (in tears, not something he had ever seen before) and now uses it against me.

I feel that he is compounding my mental ill health, rather than helping but not sure I could cope alone and with not having family support. I can't stand the bastard at the moment and the DC are picking up on it. We are not having screaming rows or anything but there is an undercurrent. DD said recently that we never kiss or hug like normal couples. In fact there is no affection between us at all sad.

Mellowautumn Wed 02-Mar-16 13:09:42

Goodness LTB

ScarletOverkill Wed 02-Mar-16 13:15:18

In an ideal world I would say LTB but I realise how difficult that can be flowers

Niloufes Wed 02-Mar-16 13:15:47

He sounds horrible. I think you may have to leave him. Some cultures don't treat their women folk very well at all.

Greyponcho Wed 02-Mar-16 13:16:07

Are you his wife or his concubine?!
You describe him as being very unsupportive of the needs of you or your children. He sounds very self-involved and disrespectful to you.
I think you already have your answer, but just to be sure: what would you say if it were 20 years from now and your DD asked you the same?
flowers for you

MoreGilmoreGirls Wed 02-Mar-16 13:16:45

Agree LTB. The only thing I would say is that if I married a man from another country I would make every effort to learn that language. However there is much more going on here and his lack of support / respect and love really demonstrates that you'd be better off without him. Good luck with your decision OP flowers

Topseyt Wed 02-Mar-16 13:17:00

He certainly doesn't sound as though he is even trying to be empathetic or understanding. He sounds rather unpleasant.

Are you becoming isolated from your own family due to his presence? Is that part of the "issues" surrounding them? Are they wary of him, and he of them?

It does sound as though you would be happier without him, to be honest. I wouldn't like any of what you describe.

pippistrelle Wed 02-Mar-16 13:18:06

L'ingTB sounds like it would remove several of the elements of stress from your life. Of course, it might introduce others.

Is it ever possible for you and your husband to have a proper talk? If not, then continuing is probably impossible.

TheBalefulGroke Wed 02-Mar-16 13:20:29

Do you love him?
I am guessing at Cantonese parents, in which case I'm struggling to say LTB, as the cultural differences in attitude to family, emotional and mental health are so very different to UK.
However, the things he's said are unacceptable, and he needs to acknowledge how badly he's hurt you and let you down.
My hunch is he wont though, I'm sorry.

wotoodoo Wed 02-Mar-16 13:23:15

Cultural difficulties do not help. How are women treated in his culture op?

Once the charm wears off and the chase has ended and you are married, the traditional cultural expectations kick in.

What is an ideal wife in his culture? That is his benchmark to what to expect from you.

You sound incompatible. He and his family are doing your head in. As the saying goes, if you want change start by looking in the mirror'

You can no more expect him to become empathic, kind hearted and helpful as he can expect you to fulfil his expectations.

Tragic for all concerned flowers

oldlaundbooth Wed 02-Mar-16 13:25:07

How old are your kids, OP?

ThinkingABoutLTB Wed 02-Mar-16 13:29:51

I will admit that I am not a timid little thing. I give it back and worse!

The DC would be devastated if we divorced. Not sure I have the courage to put them through that. They are aware their Dad is sometimes derogatory to me (not swearing) and that I am to him. Not the best model for a marriage for them.

I guess at the heart of it is do I have to settle for a man who doesn't love me and who has lost all respect for me? Trying to build my self esteem to think that I deserve to be loved and respected. Selfish to devastate the DCs lives for that though?

My family issues were not about him (apart from them being derogatory about him being a foreigner and my mother telling me I would always be 'washing dishes' if I married him), they were about childhood abuse which I never tackled until my mother started on my DC calling them the same names she called me.

VagueIdeas Wed 02-Mar-16 13:31:40

He now quite often tells me I am nuts and mental, would never have married me if he had know that I was 'damaged' and 'no wonder your family don't want to know you'

That is unforgivable.

Add that to the cultural issues, the language issues, the fact his family hate you, and the fact HE seems to hate you (he certainly doesn't seem to love, care for, or respect you) then it's clear you should not have to put up with it. Your life does not have to be this miserable.

ThinkingABoutLTB Wed 02-Mar-16 13:34:27

Not Cantonese. Albanian. Had no idea of the culture until a few years into our relationship. Thought it odd the women used to jump up and refill the teeny tiny tea glasses for the men as soon as they finished them when we used to visit his family.

I never stood for that shit and DH was the focus of much hilarity that he used to 'serve' when they came to our house!

ThumbWitchesAbroad Wed 02-Mar-16 13:39:33

He's a very boorish and unpleasant individual.

It's beyond rude to exclude you in the way he has been doing with his family - that would have been enough for me the first time, tbh.

It's horrendous that he offered you no support through your breakdown, but it's truly cruel that he now throws it back at you and tells you that you are mental and no wonder your family want nothing to do with you.

In short, I don't know why you bother with him, even if the DC are devastated, I'm sure they'd rather have a happy atmosphere in the home, where their mother isn't permanently excluded and belittled.

So yes, please LTB as soon as you can find a way to do it. Because I don't see anything ever improving with this arsehole.

houseeveryweekend Wed 02-Mar-16 13:41:34

The DCs may be devastated if you divorce for a time but imagine were they to grow up with this model of a relationship as an example of what a marriage is? especially if you have a daughter. Kids should not be around this type of atmosphere, I definitely think that you should leave. They may grow up thinking less of you if you stay as they will see you allowing people to treat you as less.
I really think that happy mum = happy kids in the end every time. Never stay in a toxic relationship 'for the children' as they learn about relationships and how people should treat them from you.
xxxx

pippistrelle Wed 02-Mar-16 13:45:10

In your circumstances, I like to think I'd have the courage to end it, and that would be for my children: they need to be protected from such a toxic situation unless you want them to live it themselves when they're grown up.

SmallBee Wed 02-Mar-16 13:45:37

Poor you OP.
I'm assuming that the culture your DH is from is unaware /unsupportive of mental health issues?
I just don't see any love for him on from him in your posts. I'd start making plans to leave if I were you.

The language side of things is just how it is to some extent. DH is not a native English speaker and speaks his mother tongue to the children, his family and friends. I have picked up a bit but I accept that it would not be reasonable to expect him to speak a foreign language (English) to his own family. So if that was the only issue I would say that you may have to work around it as best as you can.

However, his lack of support for your MH problems and even worse, using them against you, is utterly unacceptable. That would not be acceptable if you were from the same culture so cultural differences do not in anyway excuse it. This behaviour is what would make me say LTB.

MerryMarigold Wed 02-Mar-16 13:49:50

It's hard to know if this is fixable. Only if you both see a problem and want to fix it. The scenarios don't sound great, but only your side of the story. I am sure he could write a few scenarios about you too.

I think living with this is much more devastating for your DC than the shorter term devastation of splitting up. (Not sure how old your DC are).

Aeroflotgirl Wed 02-Mar-16 13:54:38

I am not surprised, it does not sound like there is much love and support there from him. The comments that he made about you, were nasty and vile, he sounds lazy and detached from you. I personally think you would be better off without him, I think you would notice a dramatic improvement in your mental health. It is rude of him to speak in another language in front of you, especially if op tried to learn the language, she would not be as good as her h or his parents for a while until she masters it.

Aeroflotgirl Wed 02-Mar-16 13:56:58

He now quite often tells me I am nuts and mental, would never have married me if he had know that I was 'damaged' and 'no wonder your family don't want to know you'. He saw me at my most vulnerable (in tears, not something he had ever seen before) and now uses it against me

That would be the final nail in the coffin and the dealbreaker in this!

Aeroflotgirl Wed 02-Mar-16 13:59:47

My dsis is married to a lovely Albanian man, when his parents come, he translates. She is trying to learn the language and practise. Her DH is such a wonderful host and cook, he always makes us feel welcome and treats dsis very well. She has said she is happy and she looks and seems happy. When you go to his parents house, they serve you.

ThinkingABoutLTB Wed 02-Mar-16 14:00:48

DC are teens and primary school age. Not a good time in their lives to take this step.

My parents also divorced when I was young which had a massive affect on me . That is what has stopped me taking any action before. Also the fact that I worry I AM actually crazy and will not cope with the DC on my own. Have needed DH as I am afraid to be on my own I guess.

specialsubject Wed 02-Mar-16 14:01:57

the alarm for me is that your kids are seeing this as how a marriage is - two people who do not respect, care for or love each other, in fact who actively put each other down.

where he is from and what his family think are utterly irrelevant. End this now because that damage is going to go down to the next generation.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now