step child(151 Posts)
Hi all, I am 34, recently had my first child to my partner who I have been with for 2 years. Our little girl was planned and we are due to be married soon. My partner has a 4 year old from a previous relationship, the mother announced the pregnancy after they split. He lives with his mum and spends one night a week with us and 2 days and more in hols etc. Since having my own child I have taken a dislike to his 4 year old. I don't want him here, I resent him for taking the time away from me and my first child, I don't want to feel this way but I really cant help it. Im on meds for post natal depression. Anyway I seem to have started another row this evening and I want to know what others thoughts are.I rent out a property that I had before my relationship with my partner therefore I am putting the £100 a month in her savings account aswel as her usual amount (my step son gets the same usual amount). My partner has said that this is unfair, I don't agree. I said we don't know what his son is getting from his mother and her side of the family, so he said fine he will ask her, I said you cant ask her if their son if in anyones will etc. He said he wants them to be treat fairly. I want to give my little girl the money from my property, its not my fault my daughter has a sibling to another mother who may or may not get money from her side of the family. Plus from my little girls side she will gro up knowing that he gets 2 birthdays/Christmases etc. Help please???????
This is a divide issue here. I agree with you. Others don't.
I think if it's your rental property, it's your money and if you want it to go to your child then that's fair enough. It's not your oh's money so really has nothing to do with him.
The feelings though you need to sort out, the whole resenting him but then you know that.
If you have taken a dislike to his son, the relationship is doomed. Get out while you can.
This is a minefield.
I pay into dd and not dsd because oh didn't bother setting up an account for dsd. However in your case i consider it, they blth get same from dad, you top your dds up and dss gets his topped up from his mum.
I struggled massively when my own dd was born, i think it adds a new dimension to your relationship with step son and it is so hard. Just remember it isnr your fault and life will be so much easier as he gets to attitude years that you spent time building a good relationship whilst he was young.
Yanbu about the money, your money should go to your daughter only.
However disliking a 4yo? The child was there before you so best you sort your bad feelings towards him out soon.
You went into the relationship knowing he had a child.
What his ex "announcing the pregnancy after they split" has to do with it I have no idea - he was equally responsible for contraception.
You have chosen this his 4 yr old has not - suck it up and I say that as a parent of 3 and step parent of three.
YANBU about money.
You can give your DD however much money you want.
If your partner wants to give some of his money to his DS that is his choice.
You are not obliged to pay your money to his son.
You're not living together and you don't have joint finances so I don't even understand the issue.
You do have to do something about the resentment you feel towards his son. That will cause a huge problem. You can't expect him to see less of his son - he's not going to go away so work really hard to include him and like. If he senses any unfairness or resentment, his behaviour is likely to likely to become difficult and it will all get even more stressful.
I really really urge you to leave your relationship now.
For his son's sake.
Maybe you 'can't help' the way you feel about him, maybe you can, but all I know is you will a) damage him with the seeping resentment which even though you dislike him you surely don't want and b) you will definitely split with your dp anyway further down the line because these feelings won't go away they will get worse.
Just cut your losses and do it now.
Since having my own child I have taken a dislike to his 4 year old. I don't want him here, I resent him for taking the time away from me and my first child, I don't want to feel this way but I really cant help it. I'm on meds for post natal depression.
You need to sort this out first.
You are free to give money to your child rather than your dss, but this issue is more important. You do understand how wrong it is, don't you? It's not the 4yo's fault you and his dad got pg again is it??
YANBU about the money but YABU to dislike him, hopefully when you recover from your PND that will change, until then I would leave him and dh to have lots of quality time to make sure he can't feel your dislike.
Poor kid. You should've thought about this before bringing another child into the equation.
YANBU about the money.
YAB mindbogglingly U about his DS.
You chose to start a relationship with someone who was already a father. You chose to have a child with him. To now say you dislike his poor 4 year old for merely existing is pretty despicable.
Also as Cute points out, your OP hints at your poor dumb DP being tricked into getting this woman pregnant. He was as responsible as her for creating their DS.
As a step child who's step mother refused to integrate me and my brother in to her family yet expected my dad to provide and be dad to her children (from a previous relationship) you are being unreasonable. It has caused a massive device between my father and us.
Where as my step siblings were treated totally equally to us by everyone in my fathers family, we were excluded from our step parents family. Now my step siblings are treated better than me and my brother. We've both had to go NC with our Dad who favours our step siblings.
While our step dad is the one who actually tried to be there for us and it wasn't easy at times, he tried to spend time with us, including us on family time and taking an interest in our hobbies and lives. Yes our half siblings got a slightly better time than we did, there's no resentment because we were treated equally. And even though they grow up knowing we had two Christmases/birthdays there's no resentment from them because it didn't matter to them we had different dads!
It must be tough having PND but I hope both you and your partner are doing all you can, to make sure his poor son does not feel unloved or unwanted.
YANBU about the money.
You and your partner have been together for two years and you have a child so in my estimation you were with him for just over a year before, that is no time at all. Its a mess. Your partner is a mess and you are resentful.
I agree with every other poster.
I'm sorry about your PND, and hope that gets easier soon, but this is a hard thread to read without feeling very, very sorry for a very small child who has been given the sticky end of the lollipop and then resented for even thatl
This has to be a reverse... surely???
If not you need a grip!
The money is a side issue.
Your hostility to your partner's son is alarming.
I understand about the PND but you could ruin this child's mental health and your relationship with your partner if you don't get this sorted out.
Go back to your GP, explain how you feel and ask for a referral for counselling. Or pay for some private counselling.
wow thanks for the response, good and bad, made me realise I need to sort myself out.
Can I just add that I do not show this child how I am currently feeling, I still make time for just me and him, I bake with him, take him to shops and leave my daughter with the dad. Resent was prob the wrong word to use. As for those comments that say leave him, is this not why we have so many children from broken homes, relationships are sometimes hard work and Im prepared to put in the hard work. I admit I have been struggling with my feeling since having my own child and I am getting help so hopefully that part of it will get better. I am from a split family myself and always said Id be a better step mother than the one I had growing up, I just didn't realise how bloody hard it could be and how my hormones would be flipped upside down. Doesn't help when my partner comes out with comments that he will spend 60% of time with the son when he is here , why should my daughter only get 40% of dads time. (he works away during the week)
anyway thanks for the comments re the savings, It is my money and I can do with it as I please.
You may have a point on this one particular issue (because your DP's child may also get money from his mother's side of the family so it isn't a case of treating them fairly).
However, your reason for arguing about this - the fact you feel unable to tolerate DP's 4 year old despite him needing his dad just as much as your DD does and missing out on him much more - is not good at all.
If it is part of PND then hopefully that side of things will ease as you get better but if it is a shift in the dynamic of the family and how you feel now then that is much more serious.
DP sounds already on high alert for any signs of unfairness and is already actively looking out for his DS. If you cannot make the adjustment to accepting his son as a half sibling to your own child and if DP is determined to keep things fair for his DS (as he should be and sounds as if it is the case) then how will that work?
YANBU on the money. It's yours, you do what you want with it. However if it is becoming a real sticking point then maybe you could put it in an account in your name rather than your daughters?
Don't for Gods sake do anything rash like leave your partner while you have PND! You don't say how long you have been on the meds. They take a few weeks to kick in so if it's not been long, stick with it; if it's been longer than 6 weeks ago I would suggest you go back to see your GP. I would think it's pretty definite that your feelings towards your DSS are a symptom, and they will fade as you get better.
In the meantime make a hell of an effort to be nice and welcoming to him, even though that is not what you are feeling. He is probably clingy to his Dad which will make you resent him more; it might help you (and them) if you sometimes let them have some time alone (a "boys treat") while you do something with just you and your daughter.
This is a difficult situation. A quick Google will tell you that lots of women harbour these feelings towards their step children.
I honestly think if you truly do resent him, these feelings will grow everytime you sense unfairness, or that his father pays him too much attention. I would also guess that you probably felt the same way before your own dd was around.
There will be 2 outcomes, either you successfully come between your partner and his son, or you leave the relationship yourself. He's only 4 and you've been in his life since he was 2. If you cannot manage these feelings now, then when will you?
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