back off

(28 Posts)
Laura280315 Mon 29-Feb-16 14:10:35

Advice needed,

My and my partner have just got a new house and are currently doing it up as it was very run down, it is costing a lot of money and my pil have kindly paid for our new carpets which cost over £1000! We don't need the Help but great fully appreciate it with 11 month old twins to pay for.

However now that this has been done they have kind of taken over and started buying other things for the house( little things such as toilet seats)

I get they are trying to help and it's unclear if OH has asked them too because they say he has he says he hasn't but did make a comment that we are going to get new at some point.

I feel abit upset that they are buying things for my house that 1) are not to my taste and 2) that I'm more than capable of buying small fixtures myself and that if I want something getting I will ask them.

Wibu to ask them to back off or do I owe them this as they paid for carpets and have helped with babysitting while we have been working on the house?

MoltoIncazzata Mon 29-Feb-16 14:13:36

A toilet seat is a very specific gift to get for someone if they don't need it - so I suspect your DH very much has been dropping hints or telling them what you need. You do sound a bit ungrateful tbh. Do you not like them?

Katenka Mon 29-Feb-16 14:16:09

I get they are trying to help and it's unclear if OH has asked them too because they say he has he says he hasn't but did make a comment that we are going to get new at some point.

So he has and just doesn't want to say.

How can a toilet seat not be to your taste? Was it a patterned one?

liz70 Mon 29-Feb-16 14:16:17

No, they are BU and you don't "owe" them anything. You are not obliged to accept anything from them that isn't to your taste. Tell them calmly but firmly that while you appreciate their help, they need not buy anything else for your home. If they do, just return it to them. Perhaps they mean well, but they are taking this too far. Be firm with them.

ComeonSummer1 Mon 29-Feb-16 14:16:59

I expect they are excited and want to help. I would accept any gifts and then if you don't want to
Use them put them away or in the loft. Don't confront them
As that would cause bad feelings.

They sound nice.

Chocolatteaddict1 Mon 29-Feb-16 14:17:48

You don't owe them anything but it looks like they like to help out and they are.

I'd ask them to hold of buying things for the home as you might buying 'a set' or to just ring and see if it's needed.

Having them as a sitter is a luxury may don't have so I wouldn't rock the boat just try and steer them in the right direction of things you do want if they want to.

I had this with my mil when myself and Dh moved in. I had carrier bags of plastic shite that she had picked up in the pound shop. wine

ThorsLady Mon 29-Feb-16 14:18:31

I'd be delighted if my PIL bought stuff for our house.

Do try not to be so ungrateful.

ComeonSummer1 Mon 29-Feb-16 14:29:10

To add they babysit 11 month old twins while you do DIY. And brought your carpets?

If my son told me firmly to stop buying gifts I might decide I was too bloody busy to babysit.

Nose and face op.

KurriKurri Mon 29-Feb-16 14:34:01

It think if they have bought a toilet seat then someone has said to them 'we need a new toilet seat' - presumably your DH, as it is a very specific thing.

If I thought my DS and DDIL needed financial help I would offer them the money to buy something they couldn't afford, rather than buy something for their house, because it's up to them to choose their own things. (They've only ever taken money from me once for an unexpectedly large vet's bill, but they know they can always ask)

I'm sure your in laws want to help, maybe they think you wouldn't take a direct offer of money, so are trying to help by buying things they think you need - it obviously comes from a very well intentioned place, so if you don;t want them to do it, you need to find a kind and tactful way of asking them to stop.

As a parent of grown up children it's very hard to see them struggling financially when you know you could help and make their lives easier, it's a fine line we in laws tread between helpfulness and interferring. smile

Laura280315 Mon 29-Feb-16 14:36:50

Like I said I very much appreciate all their help and support and i do like them I just can't help feeling it's no longer my little family home

I think I'm just alone and feel like I have no voice.

ComeonSummer1 Mon 29-Feb-16 14:46:10

What does your dh think?

It's very easy to become so fond of your dil that you start treating her like another dd.

I was at my dils last week and automatically changed the flower water.. Dh told me that could be seen as interfering and he's right.

He wouldn't say this with dd and she defiantly wouldn't mind.

Think they are treating you both as kids who need their help. It's sweet op. It won't last.

After all what's a toilet seat? grin

ricketytickety Mon 29-Feb-16 14:46:15

I'd replace what they get if you don't like it bit by bit. So when you can, replace the toilet seat and just say it broke. Cowards way out but will keep the peace...!

Unwanted help isn't really help.

I'm trying to think of a way that you could drop a massive hint about your style difference...maybe you will need to be blunt. You could say 'I enjoy looking at catalogues thinking about all the things I want to get to do the house up. I don't mind waiting for these things - it's the excitement of doing it myself and getting it the way I want it that I like.'

skyeskyeskye Mon 29-Feb-16 14:51:06

OP I understand how you feel, its your house and you want it the way that you want it, not the way that they want it. I can see how others might think this is ungrateful, but look at it another way. What if you are living in your house, and your MIL walks in and rearranges the furniture, or changes the curtains because she doesn't like them? I am sure that people would then say that she was interfering......

My mum had to put up with her MIL and SIL rearranging ornaments etc, because they had lived in the house before she did and they kept moving everything back to how it "should be"...

So a fine line between helping and interfering in your case. Maybe as a PP suggested, say that you have a specific design in mind and are saving for a set.

If you wanted, say pine for the bathroom, and they bought a hideously patterned seat, or mahogany, it simply wouldn't go would it?

It is your home and I think you should be able to feel that you can have what you want in it.

KurriKurri Mon 29-Feb-16 14:51:58

Yo definitely don;t owe them anything - I would neverthink if I bought something for my DS and DDIL or gave them money that it gave me the right to interfere - gifts don;t come with conditions. I do also understand that it is your home and you want to choose things for it - that is the fun of having a home.

It is a difficult situation, I think if anyone needs to have a tactful word with them (along the lines of 'you really don't need to keep buying us stuff, we are fine - we'd much rather you treated yourselves') then it should be your DH.

If you are feeling overwhelmed and that you have no voice then your feelings are valid and it needs to be curtailed, but hopefully without anyone;s feelings getting hurt or your relationship with them being damaged in anyway.

If my DS and DDIL told me to not do something, I would back off, and I'd much rather they said than simmered about it, but it depends how touchy or sensitive your in laws are about this sort of thing. Good luck.

WonderingAspie Mon 29-Feb-16 14:53:01

Is it more than them just buying bits for your home? You said about not having a voice which immediately makes me think this isn't a one off. Why is your DH lying to you? I'd guess it's him who is lying, not the ILs.

It's your home, you are allowed to choose what you would like in it. That isn't being ungrateful at all. If you hadn't mentioned babysitting and the fact they paid for the carpets, you would probably be getting different responses. It's not necessarily lovely at all. If they want to help, surely the money would be more useful or them going to shopping with you and paying for the things you choose for your home?

Pinkheart5915 Mon 29-Feb-16 14:53:45

This is a tough one, and I've been in a similar situation.

I understand you do appreciate the help, but its your home and you want it to your taste (I've been there). Me and my hubby recently finished building our new home from scratch and my PIL (who I get on amazingly with) come over with designs for the actual house, kitchen, wallpaper ideas and kept trying to buy things for in the house.
Me and hubby took PIL out for dinner and explained we appreciate the input but was making a home for us and our taste, they was fine about it. Neither of us had dropped hints or asked them from help, if your husband has been doing this I don't really know how you can stop them?

KurriKurri Mon 29-Feb-16 14:56:00

I agree with ComeonSummer as well - I adore my DDIL and feel she is like a daughter, so I want to get her treats and help her just as I do for my actual daughter.

I do have to remind myself she is a grown up successful woman, who actually earns more than I do grin, and also has her own Mum to spoil her occasionally as well. But it's hard - even though they are grown up you still want to do things for them.

Lookingforward2016 Mon 29-Feb-16 14:56:12

Is there a chance that your and DH's tastes are more different than you think they are? Could it be that he has been dropping hints with details of what he might like?

Deletetheheat Mon 29-Feb-16 14:56:52

In real life people don't tell other people 'firmly' to stop buying them things. Or return the gifts. They just don't.

It would be different if they were being ludicrous and dumping endless bin bags of broken items on you or something. Then it's time to get firm.

If anything ask your dp to say 'thanks so much but honestly we don't need anything else, please don't spend your money on us'.

Laura280315 Mon 29-Feb-16 15:06:45

Thanks everyone, I think it's me with the problem! And I so down about it, I do like my PIL I swear but my DH is the first to admit his mum is a handful and does things and says things without thinking, she is wonderful with a heart of gold but I think the problem is my DH has been mothered for reasons that aren't mine to share and that maybe he won't let me in and be honest with me, I think also he wants to make the house perfect for me and DC and wants to do it all himself but can't understand I want to help and be involved.

It's becoming clear my and DH don't work anymore either so everything is is tense atm and i have no one to talk to, no friends and my parents don't understand how I feel either

Heavens2Betsy Mon 29-Feb-16 15:13:08

I had to tell my parents to back off when I moved in with DP. When I was a single parent they would do things for me in my house and I was so so grateful but when I moved in with DP he got a bit upset when my Dad would start repairing things without asking him, just because he always had done it for me in the past. Similarly DP's Mum rearranged my kitchen cupboard and got my back up a bit.
Just be kind and tactful and say you want to get these things yourself now and stand on your own two (four?!) feet!

Katenka Mon 29-Feb-16 15:15:15

So do you think the fact that you and dh 'aren't working anymore' is what you are upset at and taking it out on pil. Even though their heart is in the right place?

KurriKurri Mon 29-Feb-16 15:17:39

Oh Laura - you sound very sad sweetheart flowers
You have very young twins - you must be feeling tired and overwhelmed, that is perfectly natural - one baby is hugely hard work.

Can you talk about the general problems with your DH? About how to improve things if that is what you want? I think the MIL problem is more about you feeling unsupported by him, if he was onside you wouldn't be feeling like you are alone. I don't know what to suggest - maybe repost in relationships and get some advice from the people there about how to work on the underlying problems xx

PassiveAgressiveQueen Mon 29-Feb-16 16:56:10

YOur DH might not be asking them, he could be chatting about small stuff "oh so much to do, need a new toilet set for the downstairs loo, that kind of stuff, hey Mum"
Mum thinks "oh that would make a thoughtful gift, i could buy them a new loo seat".

My mother thinks like this.

theycallmemellojello Mon 29-Feb-16 17:03:26

I think that you should accept the gifts. You're out if work and you have twins to pay for - saving a bit of money can't hurt. More generally, they are making themselves available for babysitting and you probably don't want to alienate them. Just replace the loo seat in a year or two when you've got more cash and they've forgotten about it. Don't project unemployment/baby/house stress onto pils lest it creates real pil stress to add to the mix.

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