To not attend my daughter's wedding

(432 Posts)
lastkisstoo Sun 28-Feb-16 22:02:55

My daughter is getting married in the Summer. She has 2 half siblings (my youngest 2 dc) that still stay at home with me.
I have been divorced from youngest dc's father for 5 years. His relationship with his children was very rocky after we split, then broke down completely over a year ago due to his aggressive behaviour. They suffered a lot as a result of this behaviour, and have no wish to see him again.
My older daughter still has a relationship with him. She was relatively young when we got together and he was a father figure to her. He was very aggressive and shouty even then, but as an adult she has obviously forgiven him/forgotten about it and accepts him as part of her family.
She has invited him to her wedding. I am utterly devastated as it feels that she has put his feelings above her siblings. She states that she doesn't think it a big deal for her younger siblings to spend the day in the same room as him - they don't have to speak to him!
I have had to tell her that we cannot attend. I cannot put my youngest two through that, and I do not feel that I can attend without them as that feels like they would be being punished in a way.
My daughter is extremely hurt and angry with me. I just do not know what to do. The younger two are aware that this is going on and have said that they will go - although I know that it is purely to save me being upset and not because they want to be around him. I just don't feel that I can risk putting them in that situation, he damaged them so much already. What kind of mum would I be if I took them along?

BillSykesDog Sun 28-Feb-16 22:05:08

Go without the two younger DC. Seeing your DD married should be more important to you than making a point about the two younger children.

Xmasbaby11 Sun 28-Feb-16 22:06:08

I would not miss my daughter's wedding. She is in a difficult position in not being to please herself and other guests.

I think I would go alone.

Gazelda Sun 28-Feb-16 22:06:30

How old are the youngest 2?

NerrSnerr Sun 28-Feb-16 22:06:35

How old are the younger two? My parents are divorced and the worst part of my wedding was having to keep both sides happy and dealing with their emotions about having to be in the same room for one day.

Curioushorse Sun 28-Feb-16 22:07:11

Golly. I sort of understand your logic. It sounds like you're being a good mother to your youngest two......but I have to say it sounds like you're being a terrible mother to your eldest! I fully understand why she's extremely hurt and angry. If it's so bad, then the youngest two could not go....but honestly, you can't not go to your daughter's wedding.

Are you paying for the wedding? If so, you could probably have a say in who comes. If not, it's just emotional blackmail, I'm afraid.

mommy2ash Sun 28-Feb-16 22:07:21

How old are the younger two? If they are old enough to make up their own minds I would leave the decision to them whether or not they attend. I think you should attend either way

ChubbyPolecat Sun 28-Feb-16 22:07:46

What kind of mum are you if you don't attend your daughters wedding? Leave the other kids behind if necessary, you can't make your dd choose between her father figure and you and you are cruel to try and force her

grannytomine Sun 28-Feb-16 22:08:05

I wouldn't go but it is a personal decision so you have to decide what is most important to you. I certainly wouldn't go without the younger two, that would feel horrible to me.

Clawdy Sun 28-Feb-16 22:08:13

Yes,I would go on my own. I certainly would not miss the wedding, and jeopardise my relationship with my daughter.

Barmaid101 Sun 28-Feb-16 22:09:02

It's one day! You should put your feelings aside and explain to the younger siblings that they will be able to make their own decisions in regards to if they want to speak to him and have a relationship. And also explain that as it is DD wedding day, you all need to respect her decision.
You should not be making your daughter choose and blackmail her. In life you don't get everything your own way. If she has a good relationship with her father figure she should be able to invite him to her wedding!

MidniteScribbler Sun 28-Feb-16 22:09:15

You are risking permanently damaging your relationship with your daughter and cutting off your nose to spite your face by missing out on seeing her married. Get your hair and makeup done, get a new dress, look fabulous, ignore him, drink champagne.

Depending on the ages of the younger ones, let them make their own choice. It would be a shame for them to miss their sister's wedding if they really want to see it. Allow them a choice and support them in that.

grannytomine Sun 28-Feb-16 22:09:38

I don't get why people think you have to go. The world won't end if you miss a wedding. If it mattered that much to your daughter she wouldn't have invited him.

PopcornFiend Sun 28-Feb-16 22:10:02

I would go to my daughter's wedding no matter what. Weddings can get so bogged down in family politics (I speak from experience) but at the end of the day I would put my DD first on her wedding day.

Blu Sun 28-Feb-16 22:10:06

How old are your two younger DC?

Your Dd is your dd. For better or worse, you brought this man into her life and he was a father figure and clearly has a place in her world.

It is HER wedding and you need to support and celebrate her. Go, be gracious, don't interact with him.

If the younger ones feel afraid or reluctant to go, then find a way for them to stay at home.

But of course your dd is hurt and angry. Don't do this to her. Your relationship will never recover. Your relationship with your ex is over from FIVE years ago! Just discreetly avoid. But don't lose your relationship with your dd.

Blu Sun 28-Feb-16 22:10:51

How old are your two younger DC?

Your Dd is your dd. For better or worse, you brought this man into her life and he was a father figure and clearly has a place in her world.

It is HER wedding and you need to support and celebrate her. Go, be gracious, don't interact with him.

If the younger ones feel afraid or reluctant to go, then find a way for them to stay at home.

But of course your dd is hurt and angry. Don't do this to her. Your relationship will never recover. Your relationship with your ex is over from FIVE years ago! Just discreetly avoid. But don't lose your relationship with your dd.

gamerchick Sun 28-Feb-16 22:12:17

Don't do it you're not being fair making your daughter choose.

You can put your feelings to one side for one day like a grown up.

SueLawleyandNicholasWitchell Sun 28-Feb-16 22:12:19

She wants both parents at her wedding.

Stop making this about you and your ex and your younger daughter's relationship with the ex.

Go to the wedding. She will never forgive you if you don't and that will be terrible.

BastardGoDarkly Sun 28-Feb-16 22:12:22

I'd go, and take the youngest, they've said they'll go she's right in that they don't have to speak to him, they'll probably hardly see him.

She's your daughter, you have to go.

Lweji Sun 28-Feb-16 22:12:55

Definitely go.

How old are your other children?
Do you think it would be so traumatic to them to be in the same party as him?

I've been through what is probably worse with exH and I have been civil to him for the sake of DS.

I don't think I could miss my child's wedding for the sake of anyone, actually.

theycallmemellojello Sun 28-Feb-16 22:13:13

Is there a reason you don't want to go without the other dc?

KayJBee Sun 28-Feb-16 22:13:19

How old are the younger two dc? They have said that they will go, are they old enough to be able to make that decision? If so, then all go.
If not, maybe go on your own. I can not imagine not seeing my daughter get married.
My ILs are divorced and do not speak or talk. He had an affair for 10 years of the 20 year marriage before he left, he is now married to the OW and been with her longer than his 1st wife.
They graciously all put aside their differences for the sake of our wedding. So MIL, FIL and his wife were all present. They didn't talk to each other and we had seperate photos done but we really wanted them all there, so they all came.
If your daughter wants you all there, I think you should do everything in your power to all be there. You don't have to talk to ex or even acknowledge him, just be there for your daughter.

PurpleTraitor Sun 28-Feb-16 22:14:26

It's a while away if it is summer. Best not worry now. Anything could happen.

Do you actually want to go? I would say if you do, then go. If you don't, don't. You'll find a way. You can't avoid exes forever. Would you avoid a funeral, big birthday, etc?

PiperChapstick Sun 28-Feb-16 22:15:29

Sorry but YABVVVU. She's your daughter. Of course you should be there. I understand that it must make you feel sick being in the same room as him, but you don't have to speak to him or even look at him. And you can leave your youngest 2 at home if that's what you want. It's not fair to put your daughter (who is allowed to like your ex) in that horrible position

bakeoffcake Sun 28-Feb-16 22:17:40

I do understand why you're upset, you're youngest have had a horrible time but I would still go.

Your DD has a relationship with her step father so probably hopes everyone can just get along for the day. She isn't really being very thoughtful but you're her mum and you should be there.

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