To feel jealous of other children and just want to cry?

(157 Posts)
RumplestiltskinMissGold Sat 27-Feb-16 15:31:54

I'm sorry if I insult or upset anyone as this could possibly be a trigger for anyone with a child with a disability but I just really need someone to tell me I'm ridiculous and to woman up.

DS is 2 and a half and he has recently been diagnosed with ASD, the specialist who diagnosed DS says he portrays his symptoms quite strongly and she thinks he will always be a bit behind and possibly have a learning disability when he is older. He is behind in several milestones and he hasn't yet mastered speaking as communication and understanding is his main issue as well as some motor skill issues. He can't connect 'mama' or 'dada' to DH and I aswell, he can't walk unaided but he can crawl and he cannot point or wave, he has very little eye contact, he doesn't show affection or crave it but he does smile at DH or myself, he shows no interest in other children or playing in general just his own way which is usually mouthing or banging things.

We brought him to his normal soft play area and it was a little boy's first birthday so lots of younger children for DS to be around. The birthday day boy kept running around smiling, interacting, playing, hugging, laughing with his parents and other children while DS has no interest.

It is my fault I feel this way as I had this pre planned image in my head when I was pregnant and now it's gone but make no mistake I love my DS to pieces, he is our first baby but I couldn't help but get upset at all these other seemingly normal children. It is so hard sometimes as it just feels like DS is so detached from the world around him and us and I worry that he will never catch up with his peers. I know I probably am BU but I just feel so rotten and I know it is early days for him but I feel so bad watching these other children no matter how selfish it makes me feel. sad

JuxtapositionRecords Sat 27-Feb-16 15:36:20

You are most definitely not BU or selfish. It's a very normal response to feel like this and shows what a loving mother you are because you want the 'best' for your child.

Have you got any support? Would you consider some counselling or similar where you cN discuss these feelings free of judgement and help come to terms with them?

Haudyerwheesht Sat 27-Feb-16 15:37:06

I think it's only natural to feel like that but you'll come to terms with it.

There's a wee boy in dd's class who sounds very like your son though he can walk now and say a few words (they're 5). All the kids ( and parents actually) love him and would walk over hot coals for him. He's different but that's ok.

waitingimpatient Sat 27-Feb-16 15:37:50

YANBU at all.how you are feeling is normal and part of the process of coming to terms with things being different for your child

You will worry about now, about the future and about what it will be like when you are no longer here far far in the future. It's natural and just your mind trying to make sense of things
Often that may manifest as jealousy towards 'normal' children.
It's really really hard OP but in time it will get better and you will not notice all the differences so much and when you do you will feel more able to deal with it, it's just very raw now that's all x

AnaisB Sat 27-Feb-16 15:41:31

It's so soon after diagnosis - no wonder you're struggling, but your emotions are normal and certainly not selfishness.

This:
It is my fault I feel this way as I had this pre planned image in my head when I was pregnant and now it's gone

Is what everyone does. It is totally normal and there will be a grieving process as you come to terms with the things you feel you've lost. I imagine the uncertainty about the future is really hard too - I hope you're finding time to be kind to yourself in the middle of it all?

Have you been given any contact details of parent groups or charities that can offer support?

Please don't feel bad about how you're feeling.

blackcatwhitewhiskers Sat 27-Feb-16 15:42:26

YANBU

flowers

MyFriendGoo52 Sat 27-Feb-16 15:43:21

Don't worry about the future too much, he sounds very similar to my son who has exceeded our expectations massively.

Are you involved in any local support groups ??

If not then I really advise you to try and get involved.

defineme Sat 27-Feb-16 15:45:08

My ds1 has asd and ld. He was dx at 4 and I felt utterly bereaved of the neurotypical future i had envisioned for him. However, time is a great healer and loving him as you clearly do is a great starting point. The sn board on here probaly saved me in my darkest hours. 10 years on from dx i would say that I don't think much about other kids or compare him-i just spend an awful lot of energy giving him the best possible life i can and that he's as happy as possible-just like my other 2 kids. I won't lie, I would wish away the barriers and anxiety the asd causes if I could, but my ds has a meaningful life however different it is to most kids. flowers

BirthdayBetty Sat 27-Feb-16 15:45:33

Yanbu, it's such a hugh thing to try and come to terms with. You're not selfish and of course you love your ds. perhaps you could contact the National Autistic Society www.autism.org, they run support groups for parents.

HypnoticButton Sat 27-Feb-16 15:47:25

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this.

It's very early days for him. My son was/is late to reach milestones (for no reason apparently) but it is so very difficult not to compare them isn't it?

With the right support and early intervention, working very closely with school, teacher, other professionals, the future is not a grim as you might imagine.

I really think early intervention is the key- get every single bit of help and support available.

Tinymrscollings Sat 27-Feb-16 15:50:04

YANBU at all. Completely normal way to feel. It really does get better as you come to terms with it. We're a few years down the line and we are as happy as we would have been had DS1 not been born with the problems he has. You will be happy again too thanks

Rafflesway Sat 27-Feb-16 15:50:39

DEFINITELY NBU rumple flowers

If it helps at all, my DD is almost 25 yrs old now, has severe learning difficulties and is profoundly autistic. The early years following diagnosis were beyond horrific. (She is our only child following years of infertility.)

You will need lots of help in the coming years and will have an uphill battle with the medics, Education authority and Social Services but it does get easier eventually and you will discover that you delight in your much loved DS exactly the same as parents with NT children - just in very different ways.

Good luck but never castigate yourself for feeling upset.

Christinedonna Sat 27-Feb-16 15:51:21

All any parent ever wants for their child is the best. Wishing your son could interact with you and others how other children do is definitely not unreasonable. Unfortunately that's the hand you and your son have been dealt and at first it will definitely be hard and I'd probably spend every day crying and feeling sorry for myself but that's the point, it's not about us. Your son is a happy, well looked after and loved little boy, what more could he ask for? He will progress, it may not be at the same rate as other children but he's his own person and you'll cherish those moments even more when they happen! What a lucky little boy to have a mum that cares as much as you do

x2boys Sat 27-Feb-16 15:54:52

Hi op My ds was diagnosed at three and a half he is quite severe and has learning disabilities just give yourself time yo accept it I went through a grieving kind of proceSs for the child I though I would have untill I started appreciating the child I do have flowers

bishboschone Sat 27-Feb-16 15:55:03

I absolutely feel your pain. !!! My son had a genetic condition which means he has developmental delay and will be an adult with learning difficulties. If I think about it and the future too much I think my head will explode . I adore him but he is hard work and I'll be his carer for ever .. Frankly it's terrifying !

x2boys Sat 27-Feb-16 15:59:30

My son will be six in may it's not easy he's still.in nappies and is non verbal but he's a little star he's funny ,mischievous on the go none stop and can be a little sod but I absolutely love him just as much as ds1 he brings us a lot of joy as well as worry.

RumplestiltskinMissGold Sat 27-Feb-16 16:02:39

Jux, I considered counselling but the thought made me feel worse as I feel like I just need to accept things and shouldn't be feeling this way.

To answer everyone as best I can in bulk, I've contacted our biggest local autism charity who have sent out a wonderful support pack which includes times/places of support groups for children and also parents in our area. They've also listed numerous groups and activities that they recommend for DS and workshops for us as well. I just haven't gathered up the courage to go just yet, I feel if I go to a support group I'd end up insulting someone in some way with my fears and lack of knowledge as sometimes I feel like DS doesn't love us, as ridiculous as that sounds.

We're already facing a battle with speech therapy and therapy with our developmental team as the waiting list is a year. We're very tight on money otherwise we would have went privately. I just get so frustrated with myself for getting frustrated as DS constantly cries since that is his only way of communication and it is a guessing game of what he needs but he has no other choice but to communicate so what is wrong with me! I just don't feel like I should be feeling like this. I feel like admitting it is somehow wrong. sad

WanderingTrolley1 Sat 27-Feb-16 16:07:39

Yanbu to feel that way, Rumple.

My DS, just turned 3, was recently diagnosed ASD.

It's so very tough, but none of it is your fault flowers

x2boys Sat 27-Feb-16 16:08:02

Have you applied for DLA yet ? Not sure what your financial situation is but 8f your son gets DLA you may find any benefits you get might be increased.

user7755 Sat 27-Feb-16 16:08:23

You are absolutely not unreasonable. You are grieving for the little boy you imagined - I completely get where you are coming from (ds2 has LD). It will take time but it will get better, you will see beyond the challenges and stop comparing (most of the time). Sounds twee but there are wonderful things about our kids that other people with neurotypical kids won't experience or understand. There is also a sense of community with other parents of kids with SEN, people who understand which is a brilliant thing. The poem "welcome to Holland" is good but I do remember reading it in the early stages and thinking 'I want to be in fucking Italy, I'm not interested in Holland', but definitely appreciate Holland now. Of course none of this will make any sense to you unless you have read the poem! wink

Have some flowers and chocolate and wine

Notthecarwashagain Sat 27-Feb-16 16:13:46

Completely understand.

When I was pregnant with DS I had all sorts of plans for the things we'd do, was looking forward to cosy times in the bookshop reading, taking him to the park, to after school activities, having his friends over. It's not what I expected. He's not who I expected.
YANBU flowers

Maryz Sat 27-Feb-16 16:15:28

You are not being unreasonable, and don't let people tell you that you should get over it, or get on with it, or that you shouldn't feel this way.

It is perfectly reasonable to want the best for our children, and having ASD is not "the best" - it can be fine, it can be difficult, but it's rarely "the best". Having said that you will learn to live with it, you will get used to it, and it won't all hurt so much.

ds is 22 now. And sometimes I still feel sick when I imagine what might have been. All his peers are graduating from university now, they are starting to settle down, they'll be getting married soon and having children of their own. I can't see ds doing any of that, and it still hurts; much as I love him, I so wish he (and I, to be selfishly honest), didn't have to live with his difficulties.

I used to feel a whole lot of guilt, and shame for feeling guilty. I eventually agreed to counselling, and now I've pretty much got over those feelings. I accept it's ok to be resentful sometimes; to be jealous and even bitter about the way things turned out. But I've learned to acknowledge it, feel it, and then put it away and get on with things.

These feelings are nothing to do with my love for him. I love him fiercely, I would do anything for him. Other people implying that expressing a feeling of anger, sadness, resentment etc of my situation somehow negates my love for him is utter bollocks, and one of the things that made me keep quiet and cope on my own for so long.

RumplestiltskinMissGold Sat 27-Feb-16 16:15:34

Thank you so much for the support, everyone. I never imagined I'd receive this response or support because I genuinely do feel so ungrateful. flowers

X2, we haven't applied for DLA yet as our gp advised against it. She thinks it will be incredibly hard to differentiate between normal toddler needs and DS's specific needs. And without giving too much away about myself over where I am DLA is incredibly hard to get.

User, I will need to give it a read! There seems to be a great support network where we are for children with ASD which I'm very thankful for. smile

90sTV Sat 27-Feb-16 16:16:36

It's hard. I think every parent of a child with disabilities feels this way, I have a DS with ASD and he is 17 now and I still feel the sadness when I'm reminded of the gap between him and his NT peers. Even if you didn't imagine how life might be before he was born, as a parent you're continually bombarded with reminders of where your child should be at this stage.

Building up a good support system helps, especially any contact with other parents who have disabled children. I've found that they are the only ones who 'get it' (although even then not all the time, because ASD is such a wide spectrum).

Dealing with all the admin and organisation that comes with being a parent carer is exhausting. I recommend the SN Children forum on here as well. It's helped me find lots of routes of support and knowledge of the law/regulations that I wouldn't have otherwise known. We have a pretty good package of support and finances now and it has really made a difference.

glintwithpersperation Sat 27-Feb-16 16:22:38

Have you had a look at Cerebra - you can apply for a grant to access a private speech therapy assessment - Im not sure how it works exactly, see
w3.cerebra.org.uk/help-and-information/grants/

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now