To walk out of the door and never come back.

(27 Posts)
stressedmind Sat 27-Feb-16 07:24:47

I have name changed because I am ashamed. I know this is not the right place but I am desperate and need the traffic and I need your help.

I cannot cope with dd anymore (13)
She has some mild SEN including sensory issues and I do think she probably has aspergers but we are getting no where with that, she was a lovely girl until secondary but she is now causing me to feel like I am losing my mind, I have had chest pains recently too but I am stressed out of my mind.

She is abusive, she hits me, she kicks me, she pushes me, she throws stuff at the walls, she has banged a door on my arm, scratched me, held the door so I cannot get out of the room. She tells me I have brought the abuse on my self, that I have caused it. She tries to cause a drama every night, she tells me to shut my mouth, she ignores me, if I try and talk to her calmly she tells me I am annoying, stupid, an idiot, pathetic, covers her ears, pretends she is asleep, sings la la la or says I am shouting at her when I am not even shouting.

If she has done anything wrong and is being told off she explodes and starts the guilt trip, you don't love me, you don't care about me, you don't want me, you want rid of me, you care about no one but yourself, I might as well go in care.

She doesn't go out so grounding doesn't make a difference.
She doesn't give a damn if I remove items such as her xbox. She calls me pathetic, selfish and a tight mess but forgets after a day or two about the removed item.

We are waiting for camhs (3 months and counting)
She is fine at school although struggles, she uses an sen room and is well supported. There is no bullying.

I am frightened as she gets bigger , she is already almost bigger than me, she is going to do real damage and hurt me properly.

I am a lone parent with little support other than elderly parents. Her father is useless despite the fact we had been married a decade when she was born.

I am ashamed to say although I have never smacked I have done so twice this month, I am horrified at that but I have just reached the end of the line with her and reacted to her hurting me yet again (which doesn't make it any better I know). I am ashamed I have told her she is abusive. I held her shoulders to stop her destroying my house in temper and now apparently I attacked her by doing so.
I am sick of being abused and if I am honest I am scared I am going to either end up completely having a breakdown or worse losing my temper with her.

I just want to walk out of the door and never come back, this is no life and I do not want to live it anymore.

Euphemia Sat 27-Feb-16 07:31:09

You poor love. I have no answers, but I didn't want to read and run. I have a DD who is 13 too, and it wounds me when she's rude or disrespectful. It sounds like you have this x 1000, every day. sad

Can the school put you in touch with anyone who can help? I'm a teacher in Scotland and we have Child and Family Support who can help families in liaison with the school - anything similar near you?

Do you have family or friends nearby?

Collaborate Sat 27-Feb-16 07:32:25

You need support. Lots of it. Do you have a social worker from children's services? Tell them how you feel. If they can't give you the support you need, maybe at least some respite care could be organised?

MrsH1989 Sat 27-Feb-16 07:36:30

IT sounds like you would benefit from a little time off. Can anyone take your daughter to give you 24 hour respite?

Boredworkingmum020 Sat 27-Feb-16 07:39:42

Oh no you poor thing this is awful. You need to get help.you are suffering domestic violence and cannot continue to live like this. Please contact local social services or your local domestic violence charity who will be able to help. Don't be ashamed, this is not your fault in anyway and you can't tackle it on your own. Sadly domestic abuse from children whilst no where near as common as from partners is increasing. You need to get help now before things go too far.

stressedmind Sat 27-Feb-16 07:42:21

No friends nearby, moved here to support parents and still know no one properly, there are no support groups, clubs or activities nearby and I do not drive.

No social worker. If I am honest I have debated calling them but exh was emotionally abusive (we left when dd was a tiny baby) and all hell would blow up if he got wind of it.

I have spoke to school about how she is behaving at home, often the
meltdowns are school related, she hates school but would hate ANY school. We have discussed moving her but the school offers fantastic support she would not get elsewhere.

TBH I left exh because of the abuse and am basically living in that same situation again only worse because although exh smashed the house up and had reached the point he had gone to hit me he never actually did. DD does.

I have left one abusive relationship for another.

redbirdblackbird Sat 27-Feb-16 07:44:51

This must be so hard. It is unfortunately quite common for children who do have ASD to behave like this at home. Sometimes they 'hold it altogether' at school and have meltdowns at home, often resulting in parents being hurt. I would go to the school and try to work with them. Although she doesn't have a diagnosis, if maybe use some strategies like visual reminders for expectations / timetables, see if they can do some work around social understanding with her and see if that helps lessen her frustrations.

stressedmind Sat 27-Feb-16 07:47:13

and I am scared I am now reacting to her (the smack and telling her she is being abusive) when I never would have before and it makes me as bad as her. I have never ever smacked her before this, I just feel totally out of control.

redbirdblackbird Sat 27-Feb-16 07:48:02

have you tried social stories around how she makes you feel? Maybe when she is calm? lol up the amazing 5 point scale, try to help her regulate her emotions and recognise when she is becoming angry and give strategies to use rather than hitting

stressedmind Sat 27-Feb-16 07:50:11

xpost redbird.

I have a meeting in school next week.
I will try the time tables and visuals thank you.

stressedmind Sat 27-Feb-16 07:53:20

I have tried to help her with anger strategies, she will not go to another room and calm down, she has to be in your face. We have done deep breaths etc.

Can you recommend any social stories please Red. I would be very grateful

redbirdblackbird Sat 27-Feb-16 07:53:23

Maybe have a look on the NAS website, I know our local office are really helpful to parents, they can also point you in the direction of local support groups etc where you will meet people with the same problems. I know it's really hard xx

PassiveAgressiveQueen Sat 27-Feb-16 07:54:37

My mother in,law does respite care for down syndrome kids mainly, some parents get it every weekend, some once a month, some once or twice a year.

This is through social services go straight to them.

redbirdblackbird Sat 27-Feb-16 07:58:40

Can't copy the link, googles national
Autistic society social stories you will find their guide on using them. You need to teach her anger strategies when she is calm and then when she flares up remind her of them. Lots of positive praise after the episode even if you ask her to count to 10 and she only gets to 2, at least she's trying. I'd look into a speech and language assessment, one of the young men I work with is highly articulate yet slt assessment showed he had no inference for social understanding which was leading to his frustrations.

awcws3192 Sat 27-Feb-16 08:05:44

If you have a tablet or smartphone you can search for apps under social stories. Some you need to pay for but you can personalise with photos if you feel that's helpful

OneInEight Sat 27-Feb-16 08:08:14

Please post on the Sn children pages. There are a few of us who regularly post who have to deal with children that can be aggressive and can offer support and advice. For the ds's we have found that a lot of the aggression is down to anxiety and by reducing the anxiety we have decreased a lot the frequency of incidents. "The Explosive Child" is a good book to read for advice on how to deal with children who behave in this manner.

Willsee Sat 27-Feb-16 08:13:12

Poor, poor you. I have a much milder version of this at home.

Last week I stormed out the house, shaking, heart thumping and in tears. I went for a walk, sat on a park bench and sobbed.

DD (also 13) had been at me all morning - she shouts at me, screams loudly if asked to do something, blocks doors, bullies younger sister. Like your DD she has no control over her emotions. She made me lose control of mine - she asked for help with homework, and as I was helping, she just shouted at me (my fault she got it wrong) etc etc. She wanted to walk away and I ended up holding her firmly near me. She then stormed off saying I had hurt her, that I am a drama queen, etc etc.

I noticed, that when I am stressed, she is also worse. Is this also the case with your dd? If I am "relaxed" (or less stressed), have slept well and am feeling good, then it is all easier to deal with and it doesn´t escalate - or at least I don´t let it get to me as easily.

Could you take some time out? If she is 13, could you leave her on her own and do something for you, to recharge your patience battery, as I call it? I need regular time out for this, but I don´t always get it.

I also find nipping things before they escalate easier. If she is beginning to escalate, then I sit her down and problem solve with her. Sometimes this helps, though not always Does your dd ever have calmer periods?

It is mentally, physically and emotionally exhausting. I took some days off work recently, and I think a lot of my symptoms were stress related. I can´t even imagine your more escalated version.

Look after yourself, and hang on in there until camhs can help out. flowers

MTWTFSS Sat 27-Feb-16 08:26:20

There is no reason to be ashamed!!! You are a victim and need help. You have done nothing wrong!

figureofspeech Sat 27-Feb-16 08:58:05

Call the National Autistic Society (NAS) and the Burgess Autistic Trust (BAT). They are designed to support parents in your situation & can help you through the diagnosis process.

I've been on a parental workshop with BAT and they were so supportive and helpful. They don't judge you when you describe the meltdown scenarios as they've heard and experienced it all.

The most important thing to do is to make sure she is safe ( e.g can't harm herself with knives etc) and walk away while she trashes the place. You need to make you are safe, do not put herself in the firing line. If you can manoeuvre her into the garden or some other safe place then do so. But don't touch her as it will give her a reason to fight back.
I hope you manage to get some help soon.

www.autism.org.uk/services/home.aspx

www.burgessautistictrust.org.uk

figureofspeech Sat 27-Feb-16 09:01:06

Sorry it should read as 'do not put yourself in the firing line'

NameAgeLocation Sat 27-Feb-16 09:06:21

I don't have any answers (my children are
still very young and our battles are relatively trivial) but I wanted to add my support. It sounds both terrifying and heartbreaking. I hope that others' advice helps you to find some practical handholds and a way forward. Have some brew and sympathy and please don't feel ashamed.

NickiFury Sat 27-Feb-16 09:16:45

My dd has ASD and is exactly as you describe. Will post more later as she has just got up!

mrsfuzzy Sat 27-Feb-16 09:20:44

you need support fast, great ideas on here to follow, who is exh to stick his oar in ??? does he have contact with dd ? if not it's not his call what you need to do, there is help out for you and dd, flowers

bakeoffcake Sat 27-Feb-16 09:39:41

flowers

You poor love.

You have to do what is best for YOU and your DD. If calling in SS is what is needed, please ignore your exs wishes and go ahead and contact them.

If he actually helped you with DD, he would be entitled to a say but as he doesn't you have every right to ignore his wishes.

elizadolittlechoc Sat 27-Feb-16 09:44:48

Don't be ashamed. My DD did not become so extreme until late teens when, in addition, we found she had been self harming. She was finally sectioned in her 20s but now released and has gone NC. I could not fit her into any of the MH boxes I had come across working with children and assumed she was just highly strung-thecomplete opposite of the rest of the family. Last year she was diagnosed with Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (formerly known as Borderline Personality Disorder). It is not recognised easily and professionals hesitate to diagnose it. I now realise what extreme emotional pain she has been in her whole life;in trying to destroy you she is actually trying to self harm herself, breaking anything good. I am now being treated for PTSD. I love my daughter very much. She will need life long MH support. Keep pushing for help.It took years and many 999 calls before we were taken seriously.

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