DH has damaged DS's education

(249 Posts)
Trumpstrumpingagain Sat 27-Feb-16 07:19:23

We live in a small city on the South coast where most state education is not amazing. DS is Y6, so last year we went the Open Evenings/school tours of the closest 5 secondary schools. One completely blew us away. In the top 10% schools nationally for progress/results, inspirational Headteacher, lovely pupils and staff and great curriculum eg they offer Gcse Astronomy and clubs. Whilst it was clear it is very oversubscribed we were buzzing when we left. It gave me real hope.
When we got home we were chatting about how great it was and DS was saying how he would join the Dr Who club and the chess club if he got in when DH just said "well you won't be going there". It is a Catholic school and DH's mother is from Northern Ireland. DH says we couldn't apply there because it would upset his grandparents too much. Both late 80s one has dementia. DH has only visited them twice in the past year. We discussed it endlessly but DH wouldn't budge so we didn't apply.
Since then both GP have sadly died.
That school has just been Inspected and the Ofsted report is amazing. Outstanding with bells on. Most importantly they comment on 'a culture of respect and kindness', no disruption in lessons and that the pupils say there is hardly any bullying and it is immediately dealt with. I feel that DH has allowed prejudices he doesn't even believe in to take a great opportunity away from DS. We would probably have got in because we do attend our local C of E church and most families there send their older children to this school.
I am just so cross with DH. AIBU?

phequer Sat 27-Feb-16 07:20:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Katenka Sat 27-Feb-16 07:20:56

So you have already applied?

Why did your husband make the final decision?

TurnOffTheTv Sat 27-Feb-16 07:21:38

Are you Catholic?

PotteringAlong Sat 27-Feb-16 07:22:25

Or he has enough integrity to not ignore his beliefs just for a school...

ByThePrickingOfMyThumbs Sat 27-Feb-16 07:22:51

Are you Catholic?

BigHairySpider Sat 27-Feb-16 07:24:05

Yabu to be cross with your husband - why didn't you apply anyway if it is what you wanted? Why did he get the final say?

Euphemia Sat 27-Feb-16 07:24:08

Why was it up to DH? Did he look round the school with you?

LittleBearPad Sat 27-Feb-16 07:24:48

He should have said no before you visited but if you aren't catholic then I think he kind of has a point.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon Sat 27-Feb-16 07:26:24

It's equally your responsibility for capitulating. I would have put my foot down.

ChalkHearts Sat 27-Feb-16 07:27:07

You both made the decision and now you have to live with it.

You can apply to transfer to this school if you feel it's better than his current school.

Katenka Sat 27-Feb-16 07:27:13

What religion are you and what religion is the school?

Just going to church doesn't ensure your kids get into a school. Are you part of the same religion as the school?

HopelesslydevotedtoGu Sat 27-Feb-16 07:27:51

Or he has enough integrity to not ignore his beliefs just for a school..

They weren't his beliefs, they were the GPs beliefs.

Yes OP I would have been furious with your DP. Your son's education is far more important than his parents' sensibilities, esp as you rarely saw them.

Where is your son going to School instead, are you happy with it?

Why does your DH get to put his foot down over the school? Surely needs to be a family decision, with your ds pov being very important?

EustaceTheDragon Sat 27-Feb-16 07:28:12

I don't see a problem in attending a Catholic school when not Catholic yourself?

hesterton Sat 27-Feb-16 07:29:42

It can't work like that. That's the problem with state schools being affiliated to churches.Why should a neighbour's children get a better state education because of their religion? Your son has as much right to go to the best local state school as the next kid.

These schools are funded by our taxes. I hope you can get him in at some point OP if it's what you want.

PotteringAlong Sat 27-Feb-16 07:29:50

Neither do I, but the op's DH obviously did.

ChalkHearts Sat 27-Feb-16 07:30:23

And your DH hasn't damaged his education. At all.

He hasn't removed him from school or stopped him doing hw or encouraged him to not try at school or bought him alcohol or weed.....

He hasn't damaged his education. You've just sent him to a different school.

Trumpstrumpingagain Sat 27-Feb-16 07:32:37

We are C of E but Catholics make up less than 50% of pupils, lots of Muslim and other faith pupils. DH just didn't want to upset his grandparents. DS is as much his son so I felt it had to be a joint decision. He agrees it was by far the best school and says if DS was in the year below it would have been his first choice. You have to go to the school to really understand how cosmopolitan it is. One teacher said that the school is less about Catholicism and more about respect of all faiths and beliefs.

Fratelli Sat 27-Feb-16 07:34:33

Yabu. If you felt that strongly about it you would have put your son's education before your dh's approval.

phequer Sat 27-Feb-16 07:34:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Deletetheheat Sat 27-Feb-16 07:35:17

We need more info OP but yes I would be upset too if I felt this was a wonderful school and (much more importantly) the right fit for my son - your dh's reasons seem spurious and a bit stupid but he obviously feels/felt very tied to his family and their religion and beliefs.

lighteningirl Sat 27-Feb-16 07:37:12

I'm with your dh

Katenka Sat 27-Feb-16 07:37:34

So it's a catholic school?

How close do you live to it.

Just because people who go to the same church have kids there doesn't mean anything. I know someone who's neighbours kids got into a school and their didn't.

The family that live 8 doors away from me didn't get the school they wanted, but we got that school.

You can't say DS is as much his son so I felt it had to be a joint decision. The. Put all the blame solely at his door.

As you said it was a joint decision. Possibly the wrong one. But a joint one all the same.

You also don't know if you would have got in.

Deletetheheat Sat 27-Feb-16 07:37:41

In my experience church schools hugely play down the churchiness at open evenings, OP.

That aside, I don't think it's anyone else's business on this thread to challenge you on your own beliefs and choices. Though you will get endlessly berated and chastised! (disclaimer my kids are at a non denominational school and I'm atheist so no vested interest).

Isetan Sat 27-Feb-16 07:37:42

I'd be pissed off about his lame reasons but then again, I wouldn't have given him a veto. You have equal responsibility for the decision to not apply and you do realise that applying wouldn't have meant acceptance.

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