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AIBU?

or my friends are really weird!

60 replies

user1456315015 · 26/02/2016 02:54

Have been lurking around for so long and have read many helpful replies.
My issue is not huge but it's really puzzling. Sorry if I am rambling on!

Basically my DH and I have been pretty close to a couple and you could say we are close friends.
A bit of a background... DH and I have been trying for a baby for over 7 years and were finally blessed to get our baby boy (through long IVF).
Well all of a sudden the friends are talking about having kids...but at the same time not acknowledging that I am pregnant (and just talking about how their life will change once THEY get a baby hypothetically)
She then falls pregnant and they start planning a wedding. The thing is we are super happy for them and show it but they have become very competitive with us... It's like who had the better pregnancy, 'how strong are his swimmers that they fell pregnant straight away" etc
Also the other thing that baffles me is that they constantly talk about their wedding but haven't invited us... Yet we still go out and even went away together.
I am so confused!! What is going on.

OP posts:

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MaryRobinson · 26/02/2016 03:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 26/02/2016 03:35

No, YANBU, they are being weird.
And yes, somewhat competitive.
I'd back off from them, tbh, and get new friends; because the way things are going, the competitiveness is going to continue after the babies are born - and I wouldn't bank on that wedding invitation turning up!

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eastpregnant · 26/02/2016 03:40

That sounds pretty weird to me. And I think it's very rude to go on about their wedding in front of you when they haven't invited you!

There may be some insecurity behind it, or they may just be a bit self-obsessed. If they used to be ok and this behaviour is unusual I'd probably give them a break, weddings/kids do weird things to some people. Maybe distance yourself for a bit until things have calmed down.

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BadgerFace · 26/02/2016 03:47

I agree it's only likely to get worse once the babies arrive!

If they know you were doing IVF then talking about strong swimmers is extremely insensitive at best and I'd politely ask if they knew what an odd/mean thing it is to say...

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user1456315015 · 26/02/2016 04:29

I think what annoys me the most is that they haven't invited us to the wedding. We have been friends for over 9 years and silly me assumed I would be her bridesmaid!
I really want to ask about the wedding,.. Last week I asked if they have sent out the invites and they avoided the question.
We are due to see them tomorrow and want to ask when they are expecting an RSVP.

OP posts:

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JoandMax · 26/02/2016 04:44

Not inviting you to the wedding is weird unless they are doing something small and family only??

But the competitiveness may improve. We had a rough few years with BIL and SIL as we got married and had a baby first (we are older but they had been together longer so apparently should of been first......). They got married and have a beautiful toddler now and things are so much better, they're completely relaxed and we all get on well with no issues anymore.

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Ickythumpsmum · 26/02/2016 05:37

They are pretty weird. Maybe your invitation has gotten lost in the post. You will need to ask them. If they haven't invited you, I think you should ditch them. They don't sound like friends anyway.

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ManneryTowers · 26/02/2016 05:47

If they are really close friends are they just assuming you are assuming you are of course invited? Have other invitations already been sent?
Perhaps they are excited you are experiencing pregnancy together, and just saying some slightly facile and thoughtless things for conversation?
Unless you 100% aren't invited to their wedding, I think their behaviour isn't that strange given they are close friends.
Are you married or wanting to get married OP? Not being goady but are you perhaps a bit peeved they have stolen your thunder a bit? I was fuming when my sister announced her pregnancy the week before our DS was due, so understandable if you are!

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user1456315015 · 26/02/2016 05:58

The wedding is big and their families will be coming from overseas.
I did think thank maybe it might have gotten lost in the mail but I feel silly asking.. As if I am just presuming??

Nope, no jealousy from us here. Have been married for a long time now and I actually had the baby already (he is 3 months and so cute :)
The thing is I am so happy for them as I was hoping our kids will become friends etc but can't understand some of their behaviour and it gets me a bit upset.
The latest thing.. Although small was a discussion about breast feeding. I explained that I am unable to as I don't have any milk ducts and the male of the couple said "but breast milk is better" I was like

OP posts:

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Chottie · 26/02/2016 06:03

Goodness, these people are not friends they are just seem to want to compete against you. I would be less available and gradually fade away out of their lives.

Congratulations on your LO, do you really want him / her to be measured against (unfavourably!!) against their child forever?

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ManneryTowers · 26/02/2016 06:08

Sorry I didn't realise you already had your LO. Congratulations! And yes that comment re breastfeeding is rude at best, if not cruel. Are you able to have an honest conversation with them now to nip this in the bud? They either may not realise they are doing it or otherwise may be embarrassed you've called them out on their behaviour.

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hesterton · 26/02/2016 06:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Champagneformyrealfriends · 26/02/2016 06:42

Why do you spend time with them? Congratulations on the birth of your baby-go and enjoy your family and don't let these people get to you.

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ThumbWitchesAbroad · 26/02/2016 06:51

They sound a bit dim, or rather he does if he doesn't understand that you are physically unable to breastfeed - where does he think you're going to get BM from?

I'd ask them outright if they've sent your invitation, because you know things get lost in the post sometimes and you'd hate for them to think you just weren't RSVP'ing - and then see what happens.

And THEN if they don't invite you, let 'em go.

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Buckinbronco · 26/02/2016 06:54

Some people only want to be friends with you when you're on your downs because it makes them feel good.
When you get a better life they become insanely jealous and try to better it - In A very vocal, visable way. The lack of invite is a final "fuck you, you stay where you belong in the miserable corner. Know your place" from them to you :(

These people are very unhappy people. They live their lives in a frame of reference of everyone else's and have no idea whether they want (i.e. a baby) because they want it or because you have it and therefore they want it. Despite all the desperate keeping up and competitiveness they are unhappy deep down because they know that they didn't do it first- they know that you got the best of the situation getting married first, getting pregnant first and they are just coming second again. This makes them even unhappier and jealous.

Some people are just like this. You can accept it, laugh about it and get on with the friendship (if they have redeeming features which makes it worth it) or you can cull them and let them get on with their miserable lives, bless them. They have a confidence problem deep down.

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Shirkingfromhome · 26/02/2016 06:56

I think I'd start tiptoing quietly away. They don't sound particularly supportive of you as a new mum and don't appear to want to share their big day with you. I can only imagine the competitive stakes will continue once they have dc; who walks first, talks first, etc.,

They sound like hard work to be honest and its a shame they can't share your joy at having dc. I'd have slapped her for the breastfeeding comment too.

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BillBrysonsBeard · 26/02/2016 06:58

Life is too short to spend with people like this OP. They aren't true friends. Normal responses would be being happy for you being pregnant, inviting you to their wedding because you spend a lot of time together and not making snide comments.

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eddielizzard · 26/02/2016 06:58

they sound awful. please don't ask about your invitation. they obviously are playing some weird game. don't give them that satisfaction. they know perfectly well what they're doing as they avoided the invitation question. don't bring it up again.

i would be seeing less of them. what horrible, hurtful comments. i'd pull him up on them.

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SavoyCabbage · 26/02/2016 07:02

I'd make new friends. I agree with Buckin. They want you to be beneath them.

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FishWithABicycle · 26/02/2016 07:04

I don't think these are friends.

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Muskateersmummy · 26/02/2016 07:11

I think I would be distancing from these "friends" . Competitiveness with kids only gets worse, I fear these people will make you doubt your parenting choices because they for whatever reason need to feel superior.

If you really want to try to stay friends you have to options

be direct and talk to them about how they are coming across

Or 2) develop a very thick skin

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Shakey15000 · 26/02/2016 07:14

I'd be distancing myself also. But still curious about the wedding so I'd ask outright.

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Inkymess · 26/02/2016 07:20

I totally agree that the competitive parenting and comparisons will only get worse. Their smugness will mean that they will claim that baby BFs perfectly, sleeps all night, never cries, is always a joy, never has a bottle, is only weaned on organic produce, eats everything they give it, walks at 9mths, talks early and is a child prodigy. It will all be utter rubbish but will end up driving you insane or making you feel inadequate. Create some distance now. The wedding is wierd

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SavoyCabbage · 26/02/2016 07:34

It will get worse. Book a weekend away for the wedding date and don't mention it again. Start seeing her less.

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honeylulu · 26/02/2016 08:12

It is weird but it's happened to us too. When I finished University I stayed in my Uni town and so did another girl from our Uni friendship group. We'd shared a house (with others) for two years do knew each other really well, not just acquaintances. We saw each other regularly, both got partners (she had been with hers) during Uni too.
It did seem a bit like they thought they were in competition with us.even my other half (who usually notices nothing) was amused by it. We bought a flat, they promptly bought a house. We got engaged. They got engaged six weeks later.
They said they weren't going to set a date for their wedding until they'd done up their house. We set a date for ours. They promptly set a date for theirs, two months before ours. We were amused and bemused but still seeing them regularly and lots of wedding talk going on which we all seemed to enjoy.
As the date drew near it dawned on us that we weren't invited. I can't remember if we said anything directly or not but we did think maybe it was a small family wedding. However it became clear that wasn't the case. We deliberated over whether to invite them to ours but didn't in the end and saw a lot less of them.
We sent them a card and gift for their big day. They ignored ours.Not surprisingly we barely saw them after that.
I wasn't bothered, just rather baffled. Very odd.