To still feel a bit violated?

(14 Posts)
Pidapie Tue 23-Feb-16 19:15:32

This probably seems completely random, and it's a long time ago, but it still bothers me to this day.
I moved in to a flat with a male friend I met online, we had been chatting and skyping for several months before deciding to be flatmates in a new country (England). He told me he couldn't see how we would not be a couple eventually, but I was head over heels in love with someone else, so I didn't agree.

Long story short, we moved in to this flat, I couldn't afford a bed, there was one included (no other furniture) in the flat, which was in his room.

I used to have this awkward thing that if someone (male) paid me attention, I had to have sex with them as a "thank you" if they took initiative. Ridiculous I know, I'm over it now.
So I had sex with him, once. And then evening came, and we decided to share the bed. In the morning, he then told me he'd uhm... been touching my private parts when I was asleep (sleeping pills so slept very heavily). I completely freaked out, ran off to a friend's house, and slept on the floor the next night. In the end he decided to move out because I wouldn't look at him or speak to him after this, as I felt so violated.

Though I still feel so guilty, because I did have sex with him the day before - but I didn't consent to him touching me up like that when I was asleep. Am I being completely unreasonable or is it acceptable that I feel bad about this? It was in 2009, so this has been bothering me for a while...

EatShitDerek Tue 23-Feb-16 19:17:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Vintage45 Tue 23-Feb-16 19:20:42

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Birdsgottafly Tue 23-Feb-16 19:34:58

I don't know how to do links, but if you google 'tea is like consent', it clears up any confusion.

You have every right to still feel violated.

Ignore Vintage.

Wishfulmakeupping Tue 23-Feb-16 19:39:04

Yes what birds said.
m.youtube.com/watch?v=Gp6alIALDHA
This...
Sorry but he did violate you- you didn't agree to it you were not able to.

Junosmum Tue 23-Feb-16 19:44:43

I second looking up 'tea is like consent'. You'll know you were not being unreasonable after reading it. YANBU.

Pidapie Tue 23-Feb-16 21:22:39

I will look at the tea thing, thanks all! Good to have some reassurance even if it's not for a nice things. Atleast my feelings are valid. Vintage: fu thanks.

VoldysGoneMouldy Tue 23-Feb-16 21:25:17

Yes he assaulted you. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

Pidapie Wed 24-Feb-16 08:36:45

Thank you Voldy. I guess I feel guilty because I "led him on", so I sort of excuse him with that :/

TestingTestingWonTooFree Wed 24-Feb-16 08:41:27

Completely unacceptable behaviour from him and against the law. I think this would only be acceptable if you'd discussed it up front and specifically agreed to being touched while asleep, but why would you? It'd only be pleasurably if you were woken up.

Duckdeamon Wed 24-Feb-16 09:37:39

Sorry you went through that.

Glad you no longer feel you "have to" have sex!

Pidapie Wed 24-Feb-16 11:33:25

Yes, I agree Testing - I'm glad to hear that others agree that it wasn't okay, and I didn't overreact. I thought he was my friend, and was devastated.

Duck silly things we do when we're young eh! I was 20 at the time, and somewhat brainwashed it seems. Not quite sure how though.

VioletVaccine Wed 24-Feb-16 13:50:13

Sorry OP that you were put through that by a so called friend flowers

As a teenage party animal I'd regularly share a bed with a friend to avoid needing taxis, and on one occasion shared a bed with a friend I'd once slept with. Prior consent does not mean future rights to your body. If he had done that to me then, I'd have felt exactly as you do now. Totally violated and betrayed.

You trusted him enough to sleep next to him, and he didn't respect you or your body. He behaved appallingly, breaking your trust -and the law- in the process. You aren't over reacting at all OP.

Pidapie Wed 24-Feb-16 17:57:56

Thank you for the flowers Violet, you're right, he didn't respect me, he can't have!

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