ExH refusing to give DC medicine

(81 Posts)
StonedAndDethroned Tue 23-Feb-16 17:38:26

My DD has recently been diagnosed with ADHD. She has always had ADHD type behaviours (impulsivity/hyperactivity/lack of concentration).

She is 8 years old. Her father and I separated when she was 3.

The paediatrician has prescribed medication, after observing her in school and seeing her in the clinic. This is a tapered dose, so starting off at 10mg once a day then after two weeks, increasing to 20mg, then reviewed. this is to minimise side effects.

She started this two weeks ago, and was due to increase the dose today.

BUT

She spent five days with ExH who has refused to give it to her, so I now can't increase the dose after five days of no meds.

ExH and his GF claim that ADHD is a "toxicity issue" and that medicating her is "dosing her up"/"drugging her" with "toxins". They keep telling me that I need to cut all wheat, sugar and dairy out of her diet as that will make her better but I cant find any evidence or studies that support this, plus I am on benefits so it would be a very expensive experiment. They haven't tried this with her themselves.

What can I do? AIBU to take him to court? Or AIBU to not attempt this diet that ExH and his GF want me to? I feel so bullied by them that I honestly don't know if IBU.

Background
He was invited to the medical appointment but didn't attend.
He told me a few months ago that if I was overwhelmed and was unable to care for her (I'm a lone parent of three DC) then she would have to go into care as him and his GF couldn't cope with her. (They now claim that she is impeccably behaved for them but she always cries when she comes home and says that she has been in trouble)
He has recently cut his contact with her by 40% (due to work commitments), but will still have her every two weeks so will be able to repeatedly disrupt the tapered dosing by not giving it to her for a few days.
School have said that even with pre-tutoring post-tutoring and 1 to 1 support that DD is not retaining anything.

SmillasSenseOfSnow Tue 23-Feb-16 17:41:27

So which medical school did your ExH and his GF graduate from?

StonedAndDethroned Tue 23-Feb-16 17:42:00

None <sigh> but she's a holistic therapist

5madthings Tue 23-Feb-16 17:43:59

I have no idea but I would be asking for letters from the consultant to give to ex maybe?

He has parental responsibility so has the right to disagree I guess but I would be inclined to find out what legal redress you have or maybe ask children's services advice? Tbh if she needs the medication and he won't give it it could be seen as a child protection issue and could result in limited contact?

CheerfulYank Tue 23-Feb-16 17:45:04

No advice but what an assbag he is.

ProcrastinatorGeneral Tue 23-Feb-16 17:45:05

She's a quack.

Not unreasonable to tell him you'll take him to court if he threatens his child's health.

What a pair of cockwombles.

CheerfulYank Tue 23-Feb-16 17:45:49

Ask how much extra money he is going to give you for this special diet.

StonedAndDethroned Tue 23-Feb-16 17:47:10

I've given him the consultants name and clinic info so he can talk to them.

He believes that the NICE guidelines haven't been followed (he wasn't at the appointment!) and is "taking it up with her GP"

StonedAndDethroned Tue 23-Feb-16 17:48:57

He's not offering any extra money but he's told me that I'm "choosing the cheapest option" which gives me no right to criticise him etc

It's not an option in my eyes if there's no evidence

DelphiniumBlue Tue 23-Feb-16 17:51:30

Difficult. Am assuming you know the arguments around medicating for ADHD, but it is a controversial area, so not really surprising that DD's dad won't administer the drugs if it's something he doesn't see the benefits of, and indeed believes that may cause harm to DD.
I'd go back to the doctor, explain the difficulties with your ex, and ask them for more information, both on the drugs and side effects, and the efficacy of any diet or food exclusions. It's likely they will have come across this situation before, and may have suggestions on how to proceed.
And maybe try again to get him to come to an appointment with you so that he can discuss concerns with the doctor.

StonedAndDethroned Tue 23-Feb-16 17:55:53

I haven't made a unanimous decision on this. He expressed "their" lack of support for medication before the appointment. After the appointment I rang him and said I wanted to try it before we dismiss it, to see if there's any benefit or side effects so we know what we are choosing or rejecting.

He didn't object either during or after the phone call and is now very angry telling me that I didn't discuss it with him. Which I did.

blueturtle6 Tue 23-Feb-16 18:02:16

Bizarre that he is so concerned of her medical well being, but not enough to keep her out of care home, which most would agree is detrimental to mental and emotional well being?

wizzywig Tue 23-Feb-16 18:06:42

Its probably because its easier to get his girlfriend to lead on this.

coffeeisnectar Tue 23-Feb-16 18:07:12

Is this court ordered contact? Because withholding prescribed medication and refusing to attend her medical appointments is not putting the child's welfare first. He's doing this because he's point scoring/being difficult/knows better (delete as applicable).

If it's court ordered I'd look at taking this back to court. If it's not then I'd stop contact. Stopping and starting meds must do more harm than sticking to the prescribed dose and increases.

StonedAndDethroned Tue 23-Feb-16 18:09:01

It's contact that was agreed as part of the divorce

notenoughbottle Tue 23-Feb-16 18:09:52

I agree with pp. withholding prescribed medication is a reason to cease contact. Any judge would not look on his behaviour kindly.

Fiddlerontheroof Tue 23-Feb-16 18:09:55

Hmm, you shouldn't stop any medication without medical advice, so he's a twat for doing that. I guess that if you start it again, then he's not going to give it again, which isn't in your childs best interests.

I'd phone the consultant and ask their advice. Because now it's been stopped, you probably shouldn't start it again, without discussion with them, aside from all the rights and wrongs and if she should or shouldn't be taking it.

Best plan would be to make a GP appointment then perhaps and invite him to it to discuss. Or ask for another consultant appointment if they are very accommodating (unlikely as they are so busy, OR perhaps ask to see the children centre nurse together who might possibly have more time)

Perhaps a compromise would be to do the diet, and if there is no improvement in a certain time frame, then he agrees to medicate? Or the other way around?

That requires negotiation though and based on the fact my ex husband also make similar unhelpful comments, and rarely turns up to my disabled child's hospital appointments, and refuses to allow her certain aids...I'm with you on your frustration.

Jux Tue 23-Feb-16 18:16:00

See your doc and let them know what's going on, and also that you'd like to try the meds. Make sure it's noted so you can prove that you are not being unreasonabke when you withhold contact - which you will have to do if he refuses to cooperate.

Then start again, and see how well the meds work.

NeedsAsockamnesty Tue 23-Feb-16 18:16:37

Fwiw my ex did this with our child about 11/12 years ago. I took him to court he was court ordered to not interfere in any medical treatment for the remainder of our childs childhood to the poin that he is not even allowed to consent/refuse to any medical treatment.
I don't know what the situation would be now but then it was actively treated like child abuse

StonedAndDethroned Tue 23-Feb-16 18:16:38

The trouble with starting the diet is that he will claim it has improved her behaviour because he's invested in it. I read a study with parents of ASD children who reported that their DCs behaviour improved when sugar was removed except the researchers were giving them sugar/sweetener, the parents didn't know which and they were all wrong. They saw improvements that they wanted to see.

Also I have three DC do would need to do it for all of them which would be expensive and I'm on benefits

Maryz Tue 23-Feb-16 18:18:35

I'd stop her going to his house (unless she desperately wants to go) until you have tried and tested the medication. Because she has ADHD whether he likes it or not and she doesn't need to be constantly told that she doesn't, and she certainly shouldn't hear you being undermined.

And that's quite apart from the confusion she will feel at being on and off meds, poor kid. Starting and stopping medication will seriously affect her sleep patterns, her mood and her ability to concentrate, and she will feel even more out of control than she does atm. When ds was on medication, even missing a day used to send him doo-lally.

EweAreHere Tue 23-Feb-16 18:18:45

This is potentially a child protection issue, because by refusing to give her her prescribed ADHD medication, he is messing with her head, literally.

Threaten to take him to court over it. And tell his GF to keep out of it.

Maryz Tue 23-Feb-16 18:21:04

And don't start the diet while you are trying the medication.

Doing two things at once means you have no idea what (if any) affect either are having.

Cutting all wheat, sugar and dairy out of her diet is a massive commitment, expensive, difficult, time consuming and, in the end, unlikely to make a significant difference to her behaviour.

AliceInUnderpants Tue 23-Feb-16 18:22:18

I would cease contact, tbh. Not giving prescription medication is abuse and neglect.

FWIW, I went through this exact issue with my exH and DD1 at 7 (except he's the one that feeds them the shite all the damn time!). When he saw the benefits of the medication, he soon changed his tune.

How is she getting on with the meds? Are you noticing any difference? What's she taking? How's her weight/appetite/sleep?

cannotlogin Tue 23-Feb-16 18:25:15

I am not sure I have ever said this before but I would personally consider stopping contact all together and let him take you to court for access. It is ridiculous - if he is that bothered by medication, he can find the time to attend appointments and discuss his concerns with the consultant in charge of his daughter's case. That would be a consultant with god knows how many years training. As opposed to the holistic therapist of a girlfriend who, working in an unregulated field, could have obtained her qualifications from a Groupon course costing £20 on the internet. (As a disclaimer, I have no issue with any kind of therapy, providing it has some kind of logical reasoning for using it, isn't contravening medical advice and the person in receipt of the therapy understands the nature of what it is they are receiving and any risks or side affects that may occur - you know, just use someone with a half decent training).

He is just trying to make life difficult -on the say so of his partner - so he can just damn well man up and face his responsibilities towards his children.

I am so sorry you have to put up with this shit. I have an ex of the same ilk myself and know what it's like.

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