Wedding dilemma

(24 Posts)
Puffykins Tue 23-Feb-16 13:58:24

A year ago, we - including the children - were invited to my cousin's wedding in Italy. We declined, as it's term time and we couldn't feasibly get the children there and back without their missing school.

A month ago, we - not including the children - were invited to DH's second cousin's wedding, the same weekend, within the UK but a flight away. As all my family are going to be in Italy, there's no one to look after the children, so DH suggested that he went alone, Friday to Monday.

However he's just told me that he doesn't particularly want to go - he just feels he ought to. Whereupon it occurred to me that, actually, I could go alone to my cousin's wedding instead, and he could look after the children.

Flights etc. cost the same to each. He has pointed out that he never sees his family, and that's true, but that's because he can't be bothered (and they never come and see us) whereas I regularly go and see my family (both families live a fair distance away, though DH's are slightly further) and take the children with me etc.

We both work, I do the bulk of the childcare etc. - and actually don't enjoy leaving the children (I've only done it a couple of times, for work) - but would quite like a tiny break in Italy in the sun. Or at least, I feel that I am slightly more justified in going to a wedding that I actually want to go to, as opposed to his going to a wedding that he feels he ought to go to. But then it's an opportunity for DH to see his family - and I do see mine a lot.

So, what should we do?

lighteningirl Tue 23-Feb-16 14:00:29

You should go he suggested the solo idea so thank him profusely and buy your ticket

Keeptrudging Tue 23-Feb-16 14:05:16

Both of you are equally entitled to go. I would flip a coin and accept the result.

MintyBojingles Tue 23-Feb-16 14:07:50

You want to go to a closer relatives wedding, he doesn't want to go to a not so close relatives wedding. I'd go for Italy TBH, and enjoy it! Maybe try to suggest to him you can visit his family soon, over the summer maybe?

SushiAndTheBanshees Tue 23-Feb-16 14:08:39

Is there anything else he wants to do later in the year that you can trade this weekend trip for?

WhereYouLeftIt Tue 23-Feb-16 14:09:53

"He has pointed out that he never sees his family, and that's true, but that's because he can't be bothered (and they never come and see us) "

"However he's just told me that he doesn't particularly want to go - he just feels he ought to."
In other words, he can't be bothered.

Really, in a toss-up between one person attending a wedding they want to go to, or another attending a wedding they don't want to go to - the choice is very obvious. Go to your cousin's wedding in Italy!

Puffykins Tue 23-Feb-16 14:14:38

Or neither of us going to either and just having a nice weekend together with the children.

I have already suggested that we visit his family this summer, but he's said he thinks he'll be working, so I think I'll probably end up taking the children alone. (To be fair, my work is very flexible, and I dial it right back during the school holidays, doing most of it at night once the children are in bed, so it's easier for me to take the time.)

zipzap Tue 23-Feb-16 14:21:56

And you can legitimately say that you received the other invite first so if when you turn the other invite down, you're not being rude, you're merely accepting the first invite that you got. And you can pretend that if their invite had arrived first, you would have accepted it - safe in the knowledge that you don't have to!

SolidGoldBrass Tue 23-Feb-16 14:33:51

Sounds like he wants to be the one who makes all the decisions and gets to do the enjoyable things, while you just cover for the stuff he can't be arsed with.

MeadowHay Tue 23-Feb-16 14:41:25

You go to your cousin's wedding because you actually want to go. That's what I think.

GruntledOne Tue 23-Feb-16 14:47:45

Can he take the children to his cousin's wedding whilst you go to yours?

Bogeyface Tue 23-Feb-16 15:03:29

He said he doesnt want to go so "great! That means I can go to cousins wedding, I'll see you in 3 days!"

I dont see the dilemma at all.

What I see is that he doesnt want to go to his family wedding and doesnt want you to go to your and have fun without him. If he wanted to go to his family then he would, that doesnt mean that you shouldnt go to yours.

allegretto Tue 23-Feb-16 15:03:51

Go the Italian wedding - you'll have a great time and it will be nice for him to have time with the kids on his own. Where is the wedding? Also I don't understand - you were invited a year ago and are replying now?

Puffykins Tue 23-Feb-16 15:12:30

ZipZap exactly! We were invited to my cousin's wedding first!

GruntledOne the children aren't invited to his cousin's wedding.

Allegretto - no, I answered months ago saying that we sadly couldn't go - and was okay with that until he suddenly decided that he was going to go alone to another wedding the same weekend which we've only just been invited to and which he only feels he 'ought' to attend - whereupon I re-thought my original response to my cousin's wedding (and she won't mind at all, incidentally, if I suddenly tell her that I'm coming . . .)

allegretto Tue 23-Feb-16 15:20:18

Then definitely go to the Italian one! I love Italian weddings, especially my own. grin

Ameliablue Tue 23-Feb-16 15:23:41

I think a cousin should take priority over a second cousin and the fact that you actually want to go and he doesn't makes it seem more sensible for you to go but if you can't agree and as you have already turned down the invite, you could flip a coin.

MLGs Tue 23-Feb-16 15:25:45

I think you should go.

Bogeyface Tue 23-Feb-16 15:49:00

So let me get this straight.

He is...

Ok with you going as a family
Ok with you staying home as a family
Ok with him going alone
Not ok with you going alone.

Double standards, much?!

Puffykins Tue 23-Feb-16 18:08:14

No Bogey - he's fine with me going by myself - except that he thinks he 'ought' to go to his cousin's wedding. But he wouldn't normally have any issue with my going away by myself. And to be honest, the idea of my going solo to my cousin's wedding hadn't occurred to me until he said that he was going solo to his.

ZiggyFartdust Tue 23-Feb-16 18:25:16

I'd already be booked for Italy if I were you. My DH would insist I go.

IHeartKingThistle Tue 23-Feb-16 18:28:21

Just check your cousin hasn't allocated your place to anyone else if you declined months ago! We were very limited on numbers and couldn't have fitted anyone last minute!

But yeah, totally go if you can!

theycallmemellojello Tue 23-Feb-16 19:38:39

There's no question that you should go. Why should you miss a family wedding you want to go to. And if you do go, he has the perfect excuse not to go! Or he can ask his cousin if he can take the kids too.

CalleighDoodle Tue 23-Feb-16 20:31:04

Go to italy

Blondeshavemorefun Tue 23-Feb-16 23:06:00

assume wedding is on a saturday if a weekend one, i would take children out of school for the friday, fly over as a family, enjoy wedding and fly back again sunday

amazing how these sickness bugs appear late thur eve so would have to have 24hrs/48 off school wink

or go alone to italy

no point you missing a wedding you want to go to and dh go to one he doesnt want to

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