To be worried about what happened at this party?

[George2014]

Ds5 has just been to a party this morning. There were many new faces there and a few he knew. After playing for a while he suddenly started getting teary that other people were being mean to him...we were watching and couldn't really see anything other than usual boy stuff but it was like the flood gates opened and he was crying his eyes out at everything...falling over, the food on the table, the wrong music being on, not having a turn at something etc the list is endless. I was dying inside....and quite worried why a 5.5yr old was behaving like a 2 yr old.

Towards the end I did see a small group of children sort of playing that ds was the chaser or baddie and they had to run away from him (he didn't even notice) and that made me feel uneasy that they were making him the one to run away from without him being in on the game. One of the boys then started saying they should throw balls at him and I intervened then and told the children they were being not nice etc and took ds away from them.

When we got home he was inconsolable about the party and then about school and saying everyone hates him, he's got no friends and the other children are mean to him when the teachers aren't looking. This came up last term and we talked to school and they were really vigilant and reported they couldn't see anything going on. I believe them, ds can't give any concrete examples of anything happening, it's more like a general low self esteem and feelings that he mustn't be liked. I've seen him at other parties with close friends and on the playground and it's been fine.

I don't know, I just feel a bit uncomfortable and worried about it all....but I'm not sure what specifically is making me feel uneasy iykwim.

[Sandbrook]

Your poor little boy. He sounds quite anxious. I'm sure someone will give you some good advice. Just wanted to wish you the best. It's heartbreaking seeing a child upset.

[Themodernuriahheep]

Is he feeling tired? Going down with something?

How old is he in the year relative to others?

And, I may get flamed here, but the little boys on our street are much less socially adept than the little girls. Far less willing to go to parties, dress up, involve themselves. Much more in need of mummy time and only a few friends over to play.

[Witchend]

Thing is that if you've observed that he seems fine then there's a good chance he is. One of my dc does the "everyone hates me. No one's my friend. It's the worse day of my life..."
If a little thing goes wrong she'll be saying things like that. I can usually drill down and find the little thing that started it off, but it usually is a little thing not anything major.
I think she's also worked out it is emotive for me and it's a good way of getting sympathy.
She's much worse if tired/hungry/ill.

So keep an eye on it, but don't take it as necessary a true reflection on his social life.

[George2014]

He's not tired or ill that I can tell and he's one of the older ones in the year.

He can be quite emotional at times but then at others he's really independent and confidant. We've had a few teary breakdowns over half term but nothing at school last half term.

I've always been a bit worried about him socially (academically he's flying) because he can be a bit of a loner and likes to do his own thing and then can get a bit bossy when other people don't play the way he wants them to. He's an only child (not through choice) and has had a very very hard year last year (I was very ill and basically absent for 10 months) and death in the family. But then he gets very upset and sensitive if he thinks people don't like him, even though he knows being bossy doesn't help!

[George2014]

Witchend - that's exactly what it's like. Something sets it off and then everything is the worst thing in the world and everyone hates him etc. it seems like he genuinely feels like that but can't give any reason as to why.

[originalmavis]

Does he get overwhelmed? Maybe there was just too much going on at the party. Think if he might be coming down with something - Ds behaves like a right little so and so about a day before he gets symptoms.

[Wishfulmakeupping]

Could you try organising some play dates at home with some of them on a 1 to 1 basis encourage the friendships that way?

[WipsGlitter]

The boys in DS1s class did / do gang up on one other boy. He's the baddie / boldest. It's been going on for years. I intervene if I see it happening at a party.

However the other child is not blameless and does wind the rest of them up...

[SquadGoals]

He sounds exactly like I was as a child.

I just used to get too overwhelmed with all the noise etc and just freak out. And it would trigger everything - I would only remember bad or embarrassing memories when things went wrong as proof that I was "different", had no friends, hated myself etc.

I would also run through scenarios in my head and if it didn't happen exactly like I had planned, I would freak. I equally hated being centre of attention and not being centre of attention at the same time.

Perhaps it's worth a read of the Highly Sensitive Child. It gave me an insight as to why I felt like I did - I was pretty old when I read it but my DMum picked it up and just said "that's you" in absolute astonishment.

[George2014]

Whipsglitter - ds is never blameless lol! He has a tendency to repeat things we say in a slightly holier than thou way. So I think today they others were trying to get him to do something (not sure what) and I heard him saying 'you shouldn't boss people around, I should walk away from you' or something similar and I think it started after that and the others started doing the 'he's the baddie' thing.

He wasn't particularly overwhelmed as it was quite relaxed there but there have been times where that has definitely been the case.

I really want to do more 1:1 play dates but it's really difficult around my work hours etc.

[George2014]

Squadgoals - thank you! Will def read that book. He is highly sensitive I think. How you describe yourself seems very familiar!

[squiggleirl]

Any chance he's growing?

I have one child who's always been like this. He's now 9, and it still happens. He can be absolutely fine for weeks at a time, then all of a sudden, the world's against him, nothing is fair, nobody likes him, he's a horrible person, and he throws himself on the floor sobbing. I mentioned it to our GP once a few years ago, and he told me to keep an eye on him for growth spurts. Sure enough, when these strops phase out, we notice he's taller, or filled out more, so it seems the outbursts are a result of hormones.

Our other DC haven't had this, but the one who has growth spurts, is the one who has these 'episodes'.

[arethereanyleftatall]

I am completely projecting here, and may be way off the mark - but could you be over-parenting him? I'm saying this because I have a friend with a child who is exactly like this, and she puts so much effort in to her child, that he tries to be like an adult, plus sets high goals for himself and as a result is becoming unlikeable to his peers.

[George2014]

Oooh I don't know....what would I be doing to over parent him? I'm not sure...maybe I am......googles over parenting

[George2014]

We've always had to set quite firm boundaries about behaviour and what's expected of him - he's always been a bit 'boistrious' when younger so it's easier to be clear about behaviour and what will have a consequence etc. it's then less likely to happen.

Dh can be a bit of a helicopter when out at kids stuff because he never got the practice when ds was young and worked full time whereas I did all the groups and clubs and am much more relaxed about letting ds get on with it. He's worried about him being too boisterous with others etc.

[arethereanyleftatall]

For example, in your op you wrote 'we' we're watching him. Have both you and your dh gone to this party? Were there any other children with both their parents present? (Not wrong btw, you do what you like, but that for me would be an example of over parenting).

[George2014]

We both generally go to parties, I guess because we only have 1 child we can. I usually end up chatting the whole time while dh does the vague supervising. There were plenty of other couples there though but maybe you're right. I would never go as a 3 to play dates etc - that's odd!

[George2014]

Also to add - parties here seem to be quite a social affair for the parents too and as we are new to the area / school it's a good opportunity for us to meet other parents etc so it just seems like a good idea for us both to go but now I'm thinking it really isn't....

[HPsauciness]

He's been through a lot lately, I suspect it is more about that, and feeling overwhelmed at times rather than anything else.

I have a dd who gets a bit like this, she doesn't like change and she would find me being ill/absent for 10 months (which is completely not your fault) totally devastating and would probably be unsettled for a while afterwards.

It might be worth reading 'How to talk so kids listen and listen so kids talk'- it has a very good message about allowing children to feel their emotions rather than always try to cheer them up/convince them otherwise/distract them. Perhaps some listening of his emotions, not trying to deny them or make them go away, might actually make it all a bit easier. I've found this anyway.

[arethereanyleftatall]

Please don't worry too much about my theory - I was just throwing something out there!
The ages of drop and run seems to vary depending on location- round my way there wouldn't any parents at 5year olds party, but doing whatever us the norm in your own area is fine x

[George2014]

I think we've gone through years of him requiring constant supervision as a toddler (he was that one at soft play - hitting / biting etc) that you needed to be with him all the time and whilst he's grown out of it to an extent, it's still there - possibly as a reaction to being overstimulated and frustrated - so we do watch him a lot. This behaviour was at its absolute worst when I was ill and he was tantruming / lashing out all the time at nursery. It then stated again when he started school but had calmed down a lot lately. We are still super vigilant to it though.

We also both go to his sports clubs on a Saturday - not because he needs us both there but because we don't get much time as a family as it is during the week so we all go out together to do stuff on the weekend otherwise one would be left home alone....I'm thinking this might be a bad idea too....

[George2014]

God this parenting lark is hard!

[APlaceOnTheCouch]

I probably over-parent but I'd go back to the school and ask them to keep an eye on it. I'd also ask if they could do some led games in the playground just to ensure he is getting to play nicely with other children.

My DS can be prone to big emotional bursts (like the PP who linked it to growth spurts) but when those happen, it's obvious to see it wasn't about the incident that preceeded it because it's such an ott response. If he did it at a party with DCs that he has already said are being mean then I'd be inclined to believe him.

[Disclaimer: DS told us child x was doing y to him at school. We asked the teacher and she said she'd monitor it but then came back and said 'no' it definitely wasn't happening. The first party that we went to - x did y to DS. So I'm not always entirely convinced when teachers come back and say everything is fine.]

[WipsGlitter]

Interestingly I would describe the child in my post as "over parented". He's an only, divorced parents and while his mum is lovely she is over invested in him - phoned some parents after there was a spat at school etc.

[arethereanyleftatall]

So, your lives revolve around him. (Understandably given everything that's happened). Might not be the best thing for him though.