AIBU to feel upset?

(43 Posts)
AmIUnreasonablePlease Sat 20-Feb-16 10:18:35

Just wondering if I'm being unreasonable to be upset about the following really. DH came home the other day and proceeded to quiz our eldest DD whose 5 why she was eating in the living room. I felt that he should be asking me as I was obviously the parent in charge while he was out, and had okayed her to do this. I felt that by asking her he was 1) undermining me and 2) placing the 'blame' on her even though she was only do what she'd been told was ok.

Once I'd told him this he proceeded to inform me that 'I was in one of those moods', and that 'can we please not have any of this fighting over the next few days'.

I told him that I felt this was not fighting, I had calmly told him about the issue I had with what he'd done, and that if he's meaning that I am meant to just shut up, not say anything, and do everything his way then that was not going to happen. But that I'm not fighting.

He then proceeded to tell me that he 'doesn't know what has crawled up my arse recently'. I just left it there, after telling him not to speak to me like that.

AIBU to feel very hurt and upset about this and the way he speaks to me?

Quietwhenreading Sat 20-Feb-16 10:22:52

I don't understand why you are annoyed that he addressed the question to your DD? Surely she just said "Mummy said I could?"

She's old enough to explain herself surely?

I'm sorry I really don't understand how that's undermining you?

Unless there's lots of back story I'm afraid I find your DH's point of view (if not his language) easier to understand than yours.

liz70 Sat 20-Feb-16 10:23:08

Oh dear. Is he always this much of a rude, bullish, control freak? hmm

Euphemia Sat 20-Feb-16 10:23:45

Can you find a good time to talk calmly?

Has he always been like this?

AmIUnreasonablePlease Sat 20-Feb-16 10:24:55

I was sat right there, so he could have asked me. Also if she says that I told her she could he, historically, proceeds to tell her that she knows she's not allowed to, and then tells me off for letting her. Sorry

hazellnut56 Sat 20-Feb-16 10:25:27

Yes !!! Totally reasonable to feel upset! I'm in no way saying it's acceptable but my hubby does things like this occasionally- likes he's obviously come home in a mood, you will question him on the most basic of things and if it's anything opposite to what he's thinking its ME that's in the mood!! It's so annoying when it's turned on to you gahhhh!!! Luckily when Things are fine the next day I've been able to call him on his mood and he will agree he was probably in one (probably is better than nothing !) ha!
It's sorta like the "make them believe they thought of it" scenario but oh so annoying at the time!! So yes after all that you have my sympathies!! Ask him about it when all has calmed down smile

AmIUnreasonablePlease Sat 20-Feb-16 10:27:07

I as sat right there, so he could have checked with me if I'd said she could. Also, historically, if she says I've let her he'll tell her that she knows she's not allowed to, and will make her go and eat in the kitchen. He will then proceed to tell me off for letting her, and turn it into a big argument. Sorry

CooPie10 Sat 20-Feb-16 10:27:19

Yabu, I agree with you Dh but not the way he came across. Is he not allowed to address his child directly? Off course anything they do will always be under the supervision of a parent, so your point doesn't make sense. Should he go through you about everything because obviously you would be watching her? Think you are being a bit too controlling in that way.

liz70 Sat 20-Feb-16 10:27:40

"tells me off "

hmm again. Are you his wife or child?

Quietwhenreading Sat 20-Feb-16 10:29:39

Ah, that makes it clearer then.

Time for a chat definitely.

AmIUnreasonablePlease Sat 20-Feb-16 10:30:04

Sorry, I didn't mean to post twice. He wasn't like this until I moved in with him (very young), things have gotten worse as time had gone on. Mood wise things have been like this since we moved away from family. We moved back with the birth of our eldest, but the moods haven't changed.

hazellnut56 Sat 20-Feb-16 10:31:14

Definitely should not accept a "telling off" that's totally different !

AnotherTimeMaybe Sat 20-Feb-16 10:32:20

Out of curiosity if she's not allowed to eat there why did you let her? Maybe he feels undermined?

AmIUnreasonablePlease Sat 20-Feb-16 10:32:21

It's so confusing liz70, as I feel he treats me like a child a lot of the time (probably due to the age we got together), yet I also have to mother him so much to avoid confrontation...

AmIUnreasonablePlease Sat 20-Feb-16 10:33:40

Because it's a rule we've never agreed upon anotertime, and he eats in the living room, in front of the kids. He will let her eat in the living room, when it's on his whim. He can change the rules, but I can't.

liz70 Sat 20-Feb-16 10:35:33

Adults don't tell each other off. They discuss matters; they may disagree, but they don't wag a finger. You're both equals so the way you term it being told off by him concerns me. Definitely time for some serious talking, with no name calling or insults ("what's crawled up your arse" I would find v. rude).

AmIUnreasonablePlease Sat 20-Feb-16 10:36:40

If I don't accept the telling off/argue back/ignore etc then it turns into a massive fight, with him threatening to leave, packing his bags in front of our crying daughter. I then have to apologize and beg him to stay.

got to go, as he wont leave me alone now, and keeps trying to draw me into argument.

liz70 Sat 20-Feb-16 10:38:15

"he eats in the living room, in front of the kids. He will let her eat in the living room, when it's on his whim. He can change the rules, but I can't."

So, unreasonable, hypocritical, double standards? That really isn't right, is it? hmm

MummaB123 Sat 20-Feb-16 10:40:24

This sounds so like my husband! As someone else said, he would turn it on me, and then I'd tease him about it when he is in a better mood and he'd laugh and say he's an idiot sometimes. Sooo annoying at the time though!
I don't know if maybe there is more to your situation, but we all have our bad moods, and my husband asks exactly the same questions as yours and throws the same criticisms when he is in one.
Hope this is all it is! YANBU to want him to ask you, rather than your DD, once he knows you have ok'd what she is doing. Men are so silly sometimes!

hazellnut56 Sat 20-Feb-16 10:41:47

Aww bless you not acceptable at all from his part. When I said earlier that we had similar circumstance I don't think I quite got the gravity of the situation. Turning this in to a fight for no reason and a big one at that when he clearly has double standards is awful!!! You need to discuss his behaviour with him, unacceptable let alone in front of a child sad

AmIUnreasonablePlease Sat 20-Feb-16 10:48:30

Apparently I'm trying to cause a fight - because I said I wont fight in front of the kids. He's now sitting in stony silence after telling me he doesn't want to live like this any more (this is where my anxiety will make me try and make up with him)

I'm just sick of the only times us getting along and being happy, it feels, are when everything is done his way. If I ever disagree with him, even to him saying for example 'look at how that tosser is driving', then he snaps at me asking 'what my problem is, what's wrong with me, why am I in a bad mood etc

nancy75 Sat 20-Feb-16 10:53:35

Next time he threatens to leave hold the door open for him. It sounds like he is a bully and neither of you are happy.

hazellnut56 Sat 20-Feb-16 10:53:49

Oh sweetheart, he's emotionally blackmailing you too I'm afraid. We're all entitled to a sulk but this is ridiculous, relationships are about give and take and whilst it will last for so long with one doing all the giving, one day you'll just have had enough and have to walk away. You can't just be doing everything his way it's not fair on you or your children (although he appears like another child!) do you have ample time together whilst kids are in bed/clubs etc? Time for chatting, is he always like this?

AmIUnreasonablePlease Sat 20-Feb-16 10:54:52

I have done that before Nancy, but then can't go through with it, as I feel a bitch, like I'm letting my kids down (he always does it it seems when my eldest is around), and I can't bare it. I'm pathetic I know sad

Quietwhenreading Sat 20-Feb-16 10:57:30

I wouldn't beg him to stay. I'd call his bluff and let him go.

His behaviour is highly manipulative and a really bad model of adult behaviour for your daughter.

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