To re-end this friendship?

(47 Posts)
MissterBean Wed 17-Feb-16 18:32:58

I have been friends with this 'friend' for well over 10 years. We were very close, talking daily and meeting up often, she was almost as close as a sister. We both had 2 boys each of similar ages, so bonded over that also.

In 2013 I became pregnant with my 3rd child (a dd) unfortunately at that time the relationship with my then partner broke down, and he decided not to be in the baby's life. Later on during the pregnancy the baby was diagnosed with something the consultants thought at that time was life threatening, luckily it wasn't as bad as first thought, but my dd later needed an operation not long after her birth.

Once my dd was born my friend's attitude began to change quite dramatically. She was no longer as supportive as she previously had been, and began excluding me from 'exciting' events, such as music concerts etc. By the time my daughter came to have her operation my friend had gone completely no contact with me with no reason given. She then deleted me from all social media. We had had no arguments, no falling outs, nothing.

I was so hurt by this, because she had gone from being excited with me and visiting my dd, to not even asking after her during her operation. I still to this day do not know what caused her to be this way, but I always felt that there was an element of hidden jealousy that I had another baby, and that it was a girl.

One year later she made contact with me again, and tried to act as if nothing had happened, and even boasted about how well she was doing in work etc. I have been cordial since that time but I am still feeling hurt...

Now months on she has found herself pregnant after a one night stand. The father has chosen to walk away, so she is in a similar predicament to the one I was in. Not only that but she has recently found out the baby is a girl. She has been up and down given the circumstances, but is over the moon she is having a girl, however it has brought back lots of negative feelings for me...I want to support her, but I just can't forget how she treated me during my own time of need.

I know it all sounds a little schoolgirl-ish but would I be wrong now to make a permanent end to our friendship? I just don't know how we can continue on as if nothing happened.

JuxtapositionRecords Wed 17-Feb-16 18:39:10

So you have waited until she is going through a difficult time and needs support to 'end your friendship' to deliberately hurt her and get her back for what you feel she did to you?

CooPie10 Wed 17-Feb-16 18:39:48

Tbh I wouldn't pick up this friendship again. She dumped you through a very difficult time. Yes there could be a 100 reasons why she did it, but it doesn't change how she went about it. The way i see it is if she couldn't be there during the hardest times then what's the point of having her as a friend during the good times?

You really don't owe her a second chance just because of the situation she is in. Who knows she came back because of that only.
She sounds like the type that will ditch you again when her life is all good again.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Wed 17-Feb-16 18:40:55

Only you can make that decision about ending the friendship, but I have to say I don't think YWBU in doing so. After all where was she in your hour of need and joy.
OTOH though. It seems to me like she was jealous of your pregnancy, which doesn't exactly make her the devil.

Gazelda Wed 17-Feb-16 18:42:22

What Juxt said.

Ameliablue Wed 17-Feb-16 18:43:31

I think you need to have a frank discussion with her to find out what happened to stop her talking to you before. You need to know the answer to that to make an informed decision.

ZiggyFartdust Wed 17-Feb-16 18:44:20

but I always felt that there was an element of hidden jealousy that I had another baby, and that it was a girl

This is nothing but wild guessing on your part. It could have been a thousand other things.
Yes, it does sound very schoolgirlish. Be friends, don't be friends, its entirely up to you but don't be all dramatic about it.

Tywinlannister Wed 17-Feb-16 18:47:34

She hasn't been your friend for 10 years, she's been you frenemy. She must have reason for doing this, even if it's a tiny slight from years ago that has magnified over the years to the point she went NC. As she was boasting about her life when she returned the first time, she definitely has a beef. It could be your DD, but equally it could be anything!

Cut her out flowers

MissterBean Wed 17-Feb-16 18:51:24

No Juxtaposition - I haven't waited. I didn't know she would end up in the predicament she's in.

I have kept her at arms length since she started speaking to me again, but she has been leaning on me a lot for advice, support etc. and it has just reminded me of how unsupportive she was with me. Not to mention virtually all the relationship 'advice' she gave me at the time, she has not followed herself. It's ironic really...Nor has she ever told me why she did what she did, but instead talks about "getting our friendship back on track", and just generally pretends she didn't freeze me out for an entire year.

Plus as Coopie says, I have been thinking a lot about how long it will be until she does the same thing again...

VocationalGoat Wed 17-Feb-16 18:55:59

I think deep down, deep, deep, deep down in a place you don't often inspect (we all have this 'place' so I am absolutely not judging you) there is a resentment, a competitiveness between you both. Your timing to 'end again' coincides with her pregnancy with a girl, bringing back lots of negative feelings, perhaps introducing new ones.
I had a very similar friendship and kept the door shut because sometimes you really can't pinpoint sh*t between friends. You just know that it's a damaging relationship and one that's not worth pursuing.
I'd call it quits. flowers

JuxtapositionRecords Wed 17-Feb-16 18:56:37

Why don't you just directly ask her why she cut you off, and tell her how much it hurt. She may have a genuine reason. If she doesn't then explain you can't be her friend as she hurt you so much.

To cut her off with no discussion will cause her to feel as bad as you did when she is in a very vulnerable position, and that seems a little spiteful in my opinion so I think you are being a little unreasonable.

MadamDeathstare Wed 17-Feb-16 18:57:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

januarybrown1998 Wed 17-Feb-16 19:01:44

Leave it. There are wonderful people in the world, you deserve to have friends you can rely on and talk to, nobody needs to worry or second-guess a relationship. Life is far too short.wine

goodnightdarthvader1 Wed 17-Feb-16 19:04:32

So you have waited until she is going through a difficult time and needs support to 'end your friendship' to deliberately hurt her and get her back for what you feel she did to you?

Pfft. hmm

OP, YANBU. I've got a friend who cut me off during pregnancy. Ignored me for the last 3 months. I really needed a friend during the ups and downs of pregnancy but she wasn't interested, going so far as to post lots of PA digs and nasty posts about pregnancy and children on FB. Now she's in hospital with an illness, she's gotten back in touch, acting like nothing's happened. I'm fuming, tbh, so I can totally see your side.

MissterBean Wed 17-Feb-16 19:07:26

You're right. I was planning to talk to her about it first, not to do what she did to me. But I will ask her. I think I have just been too afraid at first to discuss how much she hurt me, and was expecting things to fizzle out before she began to turn to me for support.

OhYouLuckyDuck Wed 17-Feb-16 19:07:42

What Juxta said.

bibbitybobbityyhat Wed 17-Feb-16 19:10:03

No of course yanbu! She did something awful to you and has never explained it. She deleted you from all social media? With no explanation at the time or since? Well fuck her then. I'm surprised you have even started speaking to her again.

SianiMoomin Wed 17-Feb-16 19:11:53

When she got in touch after so long and acted like nothing had happened, did you not ask her then? I wouldn't have been able to stop myself from asking what she wanted after so long. Did you just play along and act like nothing had happened?

SummerHouse Wed 17-Feb-16 19:16:33

I think she was jealous and behaved badly towards you. No wonder this brings out feelings of negativity. Give yourself some time to process this and if you can't be there for her then that's understandable.

thebiscuitindustry Wed 17-Feb-16 19:21:42

Yes, ask her. But be prepared to still not really know. She might have changed but she may just be a fair-weather friend.

amarmai Wed 17-Feb-16 19:36:49

ignore the guilt trips,op. YRNBU. You will not get the truth from her as she chose to pretend she didn't do what she did. You are not being as bad as her, you are deciding on the basis of her previous behaviour to you.

sparkleface Wed 17-Feb-16 19:37:26

I am not surprised at all you want to end this friendship. Leaving you alone in your time of need was awful, and though you were being cordial, she never apologised or explained, so round 2 of the 'friendship' was going nowhere. You can't be expected to support her in those circumstances. I do agree with everyone else that you should talk to her and let her explain what happened, and then tell her how much she hurt you. I think that's the right thing to do for the sake of both of your sanities. But I would probably see that conversation as providing closure of the friendship rather than as a way to sort out and rekindle the friendship. Hope it goes ok OP flowers

Aeroflotgirl Wed 17-Feb-16 19:56:54

I am surprised you have started speaking to her, I would have totally blanked her after the way she treated you. You are not a toy to be picked up and put down when tge mood takes her. She might have been jealous as you had a girl, and she did not, but it's not on to treat a friend they way she did. I woukd distance myself from her.

WonderingAspie Wed 17-Feb-16 20:00:06

Of course YANBU. I didn't think for a minute you felt this way due to her being in a similar situation as you were. She doesn't sound anything like a friend. Someone who was close enough to be like a sister should not have cut you out for absolutely no reason and give you no explanation then expect to swan back into your life a year later as if nothing has happened. Life is too short. Say to her that you cannot support her anymore as you cannot forgive or forget the way she cut you out so you are moving on from the friendship. If she tries to explain, tell her that doesn't make you forget how she treated you and you wouldn't trust her not to do the same in the future.

Or just tell her to jog the fuck on, which ever is your style. grin

Viviennemary Wed 17-Feb-16 20:25:08

She treated you badly and I don't blame you for being annoyed and unable to put it behind you. I wouldn't have it out with her because you will just be fobbed off. There might come a time when you want to start up the friendship again but if you don't feel like ths at present you have every right not to after the she has behaved. People have to learn that there are consequences after treating friends like this. But do what you feel is right for you. You owe her nothing IMHO.

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