am I being a terrible friend?

(23 Posts)
saltlakecity Wed 17-Feb-16 10:34:25

A friend of mine has been travelling and visiting friends abroad since September. She got back to the UK this week. I've just had a text to say if I want to see her I'll have to visit her as she can't get to my town at the moment. It would be an hour round trip which would be fine except that it's always me that does all the running around. She's had a 5 month holiday and I end up going out of my way to see her? Meanwhile I've had a crap time at work and have barely heard from her having the time of her life. She doesn't drive and perhaps doesn't have the money for the bus to see me at the moment but she clearly had the money to have 5 months off work and travelling around the world. Aibu over an hour travel to see her?

hippydippybaloney Wed 17-Feb-16 10:35:16

No you're not. She is.

StillStayingClassySanDiego Wed 17-Feb-16 10:35:58

Do you want to see her?

gandalf456 Wed 17-Feb-16 10:38:20

I think it depends why she can't get to you. If you drive, it's probably easier for you and seeing a friend will take your mind off work. Having been away she'll be out of the loop snd unaware of your ups and downs

CooPie10 Wed 17-Feb-16 10:41:48

Do you even want to see her? Sounds like you are annoyed that she's been able to travel.

saltlakecity Wed 17-Feb-16 10:41:53

SanDiego - I'm not even sure I do. I'm a bit fed up of feeling used. Gandalf - she does know about my work woes as she was visiting a mutual friend when things were bad and she told her. She didn't say why she couldn't get to me. She just said she couldn't. I assume it's a money thing.

SaucyJack Wed 17-Feb-16 10:47:35

I think it's quite telling that neither of you want to make the effort.

Do you both actually still have a mutual, positive friendship between you, or have you both moved on and are jut seeing each other out if politeness?

Sounds like the latter from where I'm sat on the sofa. You don't have to keep flogging a dead horse if there's nothing in it for either of you.

saltlakecity Wed 17-Feb-16 10:56:15

Saucyjack - I don't really know to be honest.

StillStayingClassySanDiego Wed 17-Feb-16 10:59:07

If you're not that bothered then don't go.

He text if I want to see her I'll have to visit her as she can't get to my town at the moment suggests she isn't really concerned about not being able to get to you so puts the onus on you.

PolovesTubbyCustard Wed 17-Feb-16 10:59:15

I agree with saucyjack

Maybe just leave things for a while. meet up when it's convenient - and if she keeps in touch in the interim?

BlueMoonRising Wed 17-Feb-16 11:00:08

Eh? It's surely over an hour travel for her to see you too?

Her going out of her way is OK, but you going out of yours isn't?

I don't think you are very invested in this friendship.

Muskateersmummy Wed 17-Feb-16 11:05:23

Hmmm she's been away, if you missed her and she was a good friend you would want to travel to see her. But for whatever reason you seem to expect her to travel to you? You haven't asked why she can't come to you? Maybe she can't get access to a car, has lots of people she needs to see as well as you as she's been away for a while, or can't afford it. have you offered to meet half way?

I think you are being a tiny bit U to be honest. Your not communicating with each other, just making assumptions.

saltlakecity Wed 17-Feb-16 11:10:50

I see your points. I guess I do see it as ok for her to travel to see me. I have work to do and she doesn't work at the moment and has just had a long break. I'm working around a 60 hour week and I'm exhausted. I'm off this week but have a lot of things to catch up on as I don't get time when I'm working.

tkndnv Wed 17-Feb-16 11:12:09

Can you both not meet in the middle? Surely she can take a bus/train/taxi?

everdene Wed 17-Feb-16 11:13:29

I'm in a v similar position OP and have just decided to step away from the friendship.

My supposed best friend was aware I'd had an awful time this year but wasn't bothered them went travelling. She's just come back but I'm using her absence as a buffer - I haven't missed her and it's time for our unsupportive friendship to dial down a few notches. I'll see her in a group but won't make a special effort to see her.

gandalf456 Wed 17-Feb-16 11:55:27

So what did or didn't she do re your work situation?

From my point of view, I might want to have a rant over some wine then move on. So, if I had a friend in my situation I think I would probably only do the same back. I don't know what else i could do in terms of support. We all have different ideas of what constitutes support so it might be worth viewing it from another angle

GoringBit Wed 17-Feb-16 12:00:44

I've just had a text to say if I want to see her I'll have to visit her as she can't get to my town at the moment.

If that's how she worded it, I'd be pissed off. If you want to see her, you will have to be the one to travel? Sounds very high-handed and one-sided to me. If the friendship is worth the effort, go, but if you're tired and stressed, tell her and leave the ball in her court.

CottonFrock Wed 17-Feb-16 12:11:19

You sound very resentful about her having gone travelling, and as if she now needs to 'pay' for her fun and your work tough times by travelling to see you and acknowledge what a hard time you've been having. I can understand why you might resent how very different your last five months have been, but would you honestly expect someone who was backpacking around South America or something to stay in touch with anything other than a very occasional email/text/FB update? I wouldn't expect someone to keep up with my life while travelling unless it was something as serious as a bereavement or a serious illness. Also, it's not her fault you've had a bad time at work - that would surely have happened whether she was grimly dealing with deadlines at her desk or on a Thai beach?

Do you actually want to see her?

saltlakecity Wed 17-Feb-16 12:33:40

GoringBit. I do find the friendship quite one sided. Cotton - I am not resentful of her travelling. I just thought she might be able to see that saying she couldn't come to see me in my town was a bit off given that I'm a stressed and tired and she shouldn't be after a 5 month holiday. Oh well. I'll see how things go.

BalloonSlayer Wed 17-Feb-16 12:36:52

I've just had a text to say if I want to see her I'll have to visit her as she can't get to my town at the moment.

Just text back and say "I'd love to see you but am working 60 hour week at present so can't get to your town at the moment" (use exact same words)

ball back in her court

Owllady Wed 17-Feb-16 12:38:16

Just talk to her about it. If you are real friends you'd be able to do this.

I'd drive tbh. Public transport is a pita, but it's entirely up to you.

GoringBit Wed 17-Feb-16 12:40:32

FWIW, I didn't think you sounded resentful or annoyed, as others have suggested, but words on a screen, and all that. But still, you clearly don't want to go, and you've got reasons for not going, so I'd suggest you make your apologies and either propose an alternative (somewhere halfway?) or simply leave it with her.

CottonFrock Wed 17-Feb-16 13:03:59

She's had a 5 month holiday and I end up going out of my way to see her? Meanwhile I've had a crap time at work and have barely heard from her having the time of her life. She doesn't drive and perhaps doesn't have the money for the bus to see me at the moment but she clearly had the money to have 5 months off work and travelling around the world.

I do think that sounds resentful, OP. I don't blame you, particularly - no one wants work horrors, especially in the context of someone else's holiday of a lifetime - but if it's a genuine friendship you'd like to keep, I think you might want to separate out your own feelings about her 'five month holiday' from your own unrelated work situation, and from what might be, after all, just a slightly clumsily-expressed desire to see you when she can't come to you.

And if she doesn't have the money for the bus fare, she doesn't have it, surely - it makes no difference that she had it five months ago. It's gone, however it was spent.

If you would like to see her but aren't (understandably) prepared to travel, would you consider lending her the bus fare?

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