Dp says I undermine him

[Standingonmytippytoes]

So tonight dp was bathing ds and all I can hear is "stop touching what isn't yours you're always touching things thay aren't yours, you've done nothing you've been asked to today." From dp In reference to things that are on the sill in bathroom. "Why don't you listen why do you never listen to us" so I went upstairs and put all the stuff that ds was messing with away. Then gave my very upset ds a cuddle to which dp told me I was always cuddling him when dp is scolding him. So I left the room and dp left the room and turned of the light leaving ds in the bath in the dark crying. I said that's not bloody right and went into the bathroom and went to pick him up dp then snatched him from my arms and told me to stop doing that that it undermines him and took him into the bedroom.
Ds was very upset so I told dp to back off and I'd give ds a cuddle if I like.

Earlier today he was being a bit harsh to ds and later in the day he apologised. The apology went like this "ds I'm sorry for scolding you earlier but you need to start listening you never listen to us you never do what you're asked"

I probably am undermining him but I think dp's behaviour is terrible I don't know what to do to make dp understand that the way he speaks to ds is cruel.

[magpie17]

Leaving DS in the bath in the dark is horrible, but in terms of the other stuff it does sound like you undermine DP and your interventions are probably not very helpful.

How old is DS?

[gamerchick]

He is being cruel and the poor kids going to end up with a complex and the feeling he can never please his dad.

I would have hit the fucking roof at the turning the light off while he was in the bath though.

Ask him whether he would like to be constantly criticised.. It crushes spirit.

[LordBrightside]

Sounds like a total prick. That's probably not very helpful I know but yeah....

Tell him to be nicer to his children and remind him he's an adult.

I hate the whole "discipline" thing with kids. Love, respect and guidance is what's required.

[Standingonmytippytoes]

Oh sorry I thought I said ds is 2 nearly 3 he also has problems with speech and language. It's not what he says to ds more his tone and he's very repetitive.
I just feel like if I don't nip this in the bud now it's going to get worse.

[Bluewombler2k]

I never believe an apology if it has the word 'but' in it, it is still that person trying to justify their own actions. Your poor ds, that was really horrid of your dh and sounded like he was taking his frustrations with you (deserved or not) out on your boy.

It's a tricky one, I can understand your DH not wanting you to undermine him in front of your son but I can also completely understand your wanting to comfort a little boy who, in all honesty seems to have been a bit bullied by his Dad. Not much help sorry, but I do understand your side and his (to a degree, turning off the light and nagging was just plain mean).

[Believeitornot]

You've a 2 year old and your dp talks to him like that? What a bastard.

[ScarletForYa]

He switched of the light while the child was in the bath?

I'd go mad, that's cruel and terrifying for the poor little thing. What did he have to say for himself?

[Bluewombler2k]

Jeez, I wrote my response before I saw your DS's age. Your husband is being a complete bastard to him, especially taking him off of you and turning the light off - poor little thing, he must have been terrified with it all. It's fine to have a discussioj after the fact but DH's behaviour is enexcusable in this instance.

[SecretSpy]

If I walked into your house and did that to your child what would you do? What would you think?

[Canyouforgiveher]

God that nagging on about "you never... you always ... you never" would do my head in. No child will listen to that properly - all they hear is someone droning on about how the child is an utter failure at everything. Awful.

What you did - removing the stuff your child was messing with - was the best way to deal with a small child doing something he shouldn't. remove what ever it was say "don't do that" and move on.

and if my dh left one of our children in the bath in the dark as a punishment I would undermine him in a heartbeat.

I think your dh would benefit from a parenting course or reading some books on how to listen to your children and talk to them.

[LilacAndLovely]

He turned the light off to leave him upset in the dark, in a bath at age 2? I'd class that as abuse op.

[sooperdooper]

Turning the light off was cruel but I can see your DHs point about you undermining him when he was telling your ds not to mess with things etc and you cuddle him, it's complete mixed messages

[maydancer]

Did he mean to turn off the light ? am forever doing that by accident when I walk out of the bathroom, even if there is someone still in there!
But you do sound as though you are undermining him. You should not go ab cuddke your DS when his dad is telling him off.That isn't fair( and also will come back and bite you on the bottom big time)

[pillowaddict]

2 years old with speech and language difficulties? Even an older child would struggle to follow complexities of your dh's 'lecture' but that is way too 'wordy' and all he will be hearing is the fact his daddy is angry with him. How is he expected to respond? If your dh wants him to behave in a certain way he needs to communicate better, and behaving like a bully and traumatising him by leaving him crying in the Dark (not to mention the safety issue of the bath) is not helping. I'd be furious. Dh and I try to remind each other to calm down if we lose our temper with our toddler as it does happen - it's not undermining each other it's supporting each other, and our dc, to help things not escalate.

[Standingonmytippytoes]

He switched of the light while the child was in the bath?

I'd go mad, that's cruel and terrifying for the poor little thing. What did he have to say for himself?

I haven't asked him why he did that yet I wanted to stop arguing in front of ds.
I think he'd tell me that he turns off the light to signal to ds that it's time to get out of the bath.
I'm not happy but I don't know what to do to stop this. How to make dp listen. I've told him again and again to stop. But that's me "undermining" him again.

[maydancer]

To be fair the OP undermined him BEFORE he switched the light off, so that really isn't an excuse)

[Only1scoop]

Is he controlling in other ways Op?

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

I have a son pretty much the same age. he is incredibly annoying and - as you can see - into everything.

Going through what happened - tidying away - very sensible - they can't resist fiddling with things. (I'm still breastfeeding and ds is mad on twisting my other nipple. If only I could tidy that away!)

Cuddle when upset - fine. He wasn't being purposely naughty - he just couldn't resist. The only time I wouldn't give ds a cuddle is when he has purposely hurt his sister and refuses to say sorry. Then we say "cuddle when you have said sorry to Dd."

Left in dark bath. That is horrific! Firstly - you never leave at that age in the bath. Maybe mine is just accident prone but he likes to stand up in the bath then (despite the handy no slip mat) somehow manages to fall over again. And that is with me right there. But more to the point your partner did it on purpose to terrify him because he was cross with you. That is pretty awful.

The rest doesn't matter - I think the bath thing would be a line I could forgive.

[UmbongoUnchained]

If someone did that to my child they would never be let near my child again.

[arethereanyleftatall]

For the bit about the stuff on the shelf, I would say you did undermine him.
Him turning off the light and leaving a 2 year old in the bath is utterly utterly unacceptable.

[RubbleBubble00]

Firstly u never leave a child in the bath alone, never mind in the dark - major no no. He was giving kind of rant I give to my older boys after a bloody awful day of behaviour, not my nearly 3 year old.

Perhaps some behaviour rules for dp. He gives tot a warning then if ignored he pops him on time out for a minute - cuts out the discussion or ranting.

[IguanaTail]

That's just horrible. He's 2. Darkness frightens people - what is he thinking?

[GingerCuddleMonsterThe2nd]

Sounds like your DP is frustrated and confused. Sounds like he has no real idea of what to do with a 2 year old, and your baring the brunt of it/not really helping the situation.

I'd draw a line under tonight, talk together how you want to move forward. Make a planon how you want to parent and crack on. Seems like your reading from different pages at the moment.

[Standingonmytippytoes]

Well I went in put the stuff away and told ds that he wasn't to touch the things on the shelf and gave him a cuddle that was when dp came back in.
I probably did undermine him but this ranting from dp has been going on for quite a while now and I'm at the end of my bloody tether.

[Mammabrown]

Your poor son he isnt even 3 yet your son developmentally does not have the understanding your partner exoects of him you need to work together on that, but I can see you want to protect your toddler from this negativity of constant nagging at a little boy, it sounds hard however switching the light of is a shitty cruel thing to do is he always that impatient with him?