AIBU to be utterly fucked off with children stepmother and ex husband

(265 Posts)
Mycoffeeisblack Sun 14-Feb-16 13:19:18

We've been amicably divorced for 5 years. Two children, I've only met her on a number of occasions. I've extended invites to the children's parties, school plays etc. She never comes and always has other plans. Like wise with sporting events. She turns up only if Im not going to be there. I went once when I had said I wasn't going to and she had a face like a slapped arse the whole time.

Ex's grandmother died last week. I've known her since I was 17 (over 20 years). She's been sick for a long time and I was visiting her every month with ex MIL in her care home.

So funeral is being planned. Ex had asked me not to attend. He understands I might want to but it would be awkward for him and ex hmm and he would appreciate me staying away.

I have no interest in causing drama during a shit time for the whole family. I didn't bother replying. MIL called me earlier to talk about the DC going to the funeral etc. She clearly didn't realise I wasn't going so I said what ex had asked and that I would be staying away.

She went mad and said no I'm not having that I'll call him. She's just called back to say that after speaking with ex she thinks it might make things harder for ex and his wife if I am there. She did suggest i could stay in the car, slip in after the service has started and then leave at the end. However ex was concerned the children would want to see me.

I said it was fine. I didn't need to go and don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable.

However I am utterly fucked off that this woman is allowed to throw her little temper tantrum and effectively ban me from saying goodbye to a lovely woman I've known for over 20 years. I'm fucked off that MIL is pretty much backing her up and not saying actually this is nonsense and if Coffee wants to come she can.

I've never had a crossed word with this woman. Don't argue with ex. I'm not sure what the bloody hell everyone seems so 'uncomfortable' with

oneowlgirl Sun 14-Feb-16 13:24:06

That's shit coffee - no advice to offer but my sympathies.

StillStayingClassySanDiego Sun 14-Feb-16 13:24:44

I'd go if it was just your Ex and his Wife complaining, she can have a slapped arse face all day long, that's their look out.

I'd be concerned about falling out with your Ex MiL if you've remained on good terms so perhaps you should speak to her and say you've given more thought to it and you want to pay your respects, would she object?

usual Sun 14-Feb-16 13:25:09

I think you should go to the funeral.

Mycoffeeisblack Sun 14-Feb-16 13:26:10

Sorry should have added that MIL said 'I don't think its ex, from what it sounds like SM would rather you weren't there'

She can fuck right off from now on. I've never done anything other than try to make her feel welcome at the children's events, plays etc. When we were on holiday and the kids were buying stuff for ex I gave them money to get her a gift too. And this is what i get in return, a grown woman stomping her feet and banning someone from a funeral

ilovesooty Sun 14-Feb-16 13:26:19

I'd be upset too. flowers

WeeseKeysAreThese Sun 14-Feb-16 13:26:22

Yanbu and if I were you I'd go.

Elliemayclampett Sun 14-Feb-16 13:26:29

You should go.

flanjabelle Sun 14-Feb-16 13:26:54

She sounds incredibly insecure. Pity her. She clearly feels her relationship is at risk if you are allowed to be involved in anything. What a cow though, I'm not surprised you are upset.

Could you spend some time perhaps with a candle saying goodbye in your own way? I really feel for you. What an unfair situation.

MyKingdomForBrie Sun 14-Feb-16 13:26:57

She is an utter child. She sounds jealous of you or something, maybe of your relationship with MIL? I think you're right to rise above though, mourn in your own way on the day.

CooPie10 Sun 14-Feb-16 13:27:10

I think you should go as well. Who cares if she has a bitch face on. You are paying your respects to the gran and supporting your children. I doubt they will cause a scene on the day and after it's over who cares what they think .

scarednoob Sun 14-Feb-16 13:27:26

That sucks. It's her problem, not yours - obviously you are a hard act to follow!!

If it were me, I would let it go for now; let the family grieve. You can always take flowers to the grave afterwards. But when the dust has settled, let your ex and ex MIL know that you thought she was inappropriate and you were disappointed.

flanjabelle Sun 14-Feb-16 13:28:26

Actually. Do you know what, I would contact her. Not ex, her. And demand an explanation. I would try so hard to be the bigger person, but I actually think this would tip me over the edge.

Mycoffeeisblack Sun 14-Feb-16 13:29:49

I said to MIL that I would go and slip in and out (although not sure why I should be skulking around avoiding my own DC seeing me). She said that would be workable but she didn't really want to get involved. SM is taking the children so I would need to stay away from them hmm. At that point i said maybe best I don't come and she said oh well thanks for the understanding and sensitivity. Obviously she is grieving and doesn't need this on her plate at the moment.

She text and asked if I would like to go and scatter the ashes with her in a month or so.

I'm not going to turn up somewhere i'm not wanted. God I am furious at the moment!

mogloveseggs Sun 14-Feb-16 13:33:41

That's awful. I went to my ex Mil funeral. Never any question that I wouldn't as my daughter needed me (her first funeral).

Mycoffeeisblack Sun 14-Feb-16 13:34:00

Should explain the DC thing. SM is taking the DC. If DC see me they will want to come and see me which 1. advertises my presence 2. makes things awkward for SM when they have to go back to her

Ex did text and ask if I could sort out funeral clothes for them though hmm

CityFox Sun 14-Feb-16 13:34:07

I would contact her directly, face to face preferably.

I would also go to the funeral.

She's clearly very insecure, but has no right to inflict this on you.

newname99 Sun 14-Feb-16 13:34:24

Honestly its 'them' and says more about their relationship.The wife obviously feels intimidated by you so rather than be angry have pity on her. The ex mil is trying to not add more conflict to her son's relationship and knows you are the grown up. (although you are understandably hurt).

Mycoffeeisblack Sun 14-Feb-16 13:35:53

Its bullshit. A grown arse woman who can't get over herself for a 20 minute service. Not being able to take my DC to their first funeral where they will be upset.

I'll send flowers and scatter the ashes with MIL. Ex and wife can fuck right off from now on. Bloody adults placating a tantruming adult

StillStayingClassySanDiego Sun 14-Feb-16 13:37:09

SM is taking the children so I would need to stay away from them

Fuck that!

CityFox Sun 14-Feb-16 13:37:48

Go to the funeral! thanks

JohnLuther Sun 14-Feb-16 13:39:03

I'd go.

ThenLaterWhenItGotDark Sun 14-Feb-16 13:41:22

So a drama has been caused, despite you saying you didn't want to....

Sorry, but I think you have to think of the bereaved family, sadly, but harshly, it's a family you are no longer part of. Your ex husband's wife is.

Your MIL first said she wasn't having it, then didn't want to get involved. You are all putting her, the bereaved daughter in a difficult position at a sad time for her. And your children are caught in the middle.

Lots of ego going on here on both sides tbh. You visited the granny, fine. Maybe your ex's wife did too?

It's rarely that anything good comes out of an ex wife still playing such a big part in her ex's family.

Sorry. flowers

Sparklycat Sun 14-Feb-16 13:41:38

Funerals are public, anyone can go. I'd just go it's not fair for her to stop you saying goodbye.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Sun 14-Feb-16 13:41:43

What an absolute child.

You obviously value your relationship with ex-MIL. If you going is going to make things harder for her at what is clearly already a difficult time, then I think you should stay away - hard though it is.

If you think that MIL is only trying to keep the peace and would rather you were there if it weren't for the drama, then go.

I'd be tempted to go in the most impossibly chic black dress with a huge hat too, but I've never been one for slipping in and out quietly and am therefore no role model.

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