to not want another child

(50 Posts)
CheezyDibblez Sat 13-Feb-16 17:31:55

Just that, really.
DS is nearly 4, really lovely kid, but hard work as all kids are. He's quite shy, needs a lot of reassurances when confronted with new situations. He's an 'observer' rather than a 'participator' by preference. He gets easily downhearted and put off tasks if he can't do them easily, & is - don't want to write a 'push-over', it's not quite what I'm grasping for - easily jostled aside with more assertive peers...? This can upset him, he can be a bit emotionally fragile, it can 'ruin' his play. I work on confidence with him, and having started pre-school, things have improved exponentially.
However.
Whenever I discuss this with DH, or family, or even very very generally with friends, I get the stock: 'it's because he's an only child'; 'if he had a sibling, he wouldn't be so precious'; and my favourite 'he needs a brother or sister to play with'. 🙄
If I had a quid for every comment of how selfish I am for not 'giving' him a sibling, or how 'lonely' he is without a sibling, I wouldn't have to buy the cheapish plonk I drink.
He has kind of ended up being an only child by a degree of default. DH is pretty much infertile, his sperm count is very, very low, and not the greatest quality. We therefore had IVF, and were damn lucky, not only to have it on the NHS, but to have DS.
During my pregnancy, DH went off the rails & wanted out of the relationship. It was absolutely horrendous. This continued for the first few months of DSs life. Things were patched together, but that, coupled with some eye-wateringly awful PND, a diagnosis of an anxiety disorder & subsequent SSRIs for nearly 2 years has left me with a couple of mild hurt, rage & fury issues. I am better. I am. But I'm not healed.
I work FT, as does DH. The nature of his job means he is out the house early & home late-ish. He also works some evenings & weekends. The bulk of the childcare falls to me. I do 80% of school drop offs and near-as-damnit 100% school pick-ups. I do the majority of the domestic work; it's not that DH won't do it, he just doesn't think to & will if I ask. But I don't want to ask, he's not to do it for me, but simply because it fucking needs doing.
I should add that he is a fabulous Dad, and he & DS have a great relationship.
The subject came up again last night. DH would like another child. He would like a sibling for DS. His parents are fairly vocal about their desire for another grandchild (you're selfish Cheezy, he's lonely Cheezy, you're not being fair to him Cheezy 🙄) despite having a total of 3, thanks to H's brother.
I am now early 40s. We would require IVF that we world have to (of course) pay for. He was an utter (self-confessed) grade A cunt during my last pregnancy. I already work FT & do the majority of domestic tasks & 'wife work'; I don't see that scenario changing with another, if notoriously tricky IVF-in-the-over-40s works.
AIBU to not want another?

WorraLiberty Sat 13-Feb-16 17:36:21

YANBU at all.

And I'm sorry but I don't think you can reasonably describe a man who leaves the majority of domestic work to his wife, as a 'fabulous Dad'.

Part of being a parent is helping to provide inside the home as well as outside.

Getyercoat Sat 13-Feb-16 17:38:55

YANBU. You and you alone are living your life. The idiots that tell you how to live it haven't a notion of what your life is like, your feeling, emotions and limits.

Absofrigginlootly Sat 13-Feb-16 17:39:25

Errrr no!!! Even without all the reasons you state if you don't want another child, that is reason enough!!!

I never understand the "you're selfish" argument about not having more than one child. But maybe that's because I sometimes forget I have a sibling as we are not in the slightest bit close!!! Not done me any harm, we're just very different people!

What do your PILs/SIL say when you tell them what a twat your DH was (do they know?) if not, they should!!!

Not that it's any of their business if or why you do or don't have another baby, not your responsibility to provide them with grandchildren, tell them to get a puppy!!! grin

Owllady Sat 13-Feb-16 17:40:09

Tell them all to fuck off angry
Honestly, people are so bloody insensitive

SweetAdeline Sat 13-Feb-16 17:40:17

My dd has a very similar personality to your ds (what you said about being an observer rather than a participant resonated strongly). She has a two year old brother.

MorrisZapp Sat 13-Feb-16 17:40:48

You don't want another kid so for the love of god don't have one. There's no discussion to be had.

Or is this about ditching your dh?

CMOTDibbler Sat 13-Feb-16 17:41:38

YANBU. And it wouldn't change your ds, thats just who he is.

I have one child. MIL once told dh we were selfish for not giving him a sibling. DH blew his top and she's kept schtum on the subject since.

Muskateersmummy Sat 13-Feb-16 17:41:47

I hate the "selfish" comments.

Your life, your choice.

JarethTheGoblinKing Sat 13-Feb-16 17:46:54

My eldest seems similar to your DS. He came out of his shell a bit once he started school. It's his personality though, nothing to do with him being an only for a long time.

BonitaFangita Sat 13-Feb-16 17:48:16

I absofrigginlootly agree with absofrinninlootley
Tell your PiLs to wind their necks in

Absofrigginlootly Sat 13-Feb-16 17:51:37

Upon re reading your OP I feel compelled to add that another child sounds like a recipe for absolute disaster! So many elephants in the room I'm surprised you can fit in the house!!!

Your 'rage' not being healed sounds like something that really needs addressing.... Doesn't sound like a healthy and supportive relationship to bring another child into, and could be adding to how sensitive your DS is???! (Not saying he isn't just a sensitive boy, I am like that and it appears so far that DD is the same.... But actually that's my point: not saying the situation is causing his sensitivity, but as a sensitive child he will be more susceptible to any atmosphere at home.... And your DH sounds like a bellend. My DH works stupid hours and I'm a SAHM and he still does lots of domestic chores because I'm not his skivvy)

prettywhiteguitar Sat 13-Feb-16 17:52:35

Tell your dh to seriously get a grip, and the Inlaws can feck off. In fact tell your dh to feck off too

Absofrigginlootly Sat 13-Feb-16 17:53:22

grin At bonita

witsender Sat 13-Feb-16 17:53:28

And how selfish would it be to force you into a pregnancy and motherhood you don't want?

toobreathless Sat 13-Feb-16 17:55:09

Are you aware of the success rates for IVF at 40+? You may bit have that choice in the matter even if you wanted another.

YANBU. There are pros and cons to every number of children.

You sound very content with one I would probably leave it at that.

(& I have no conflict of interest I have 3)

Flamingoblue1 Sat 13-Feb-16 18:11:35

Tell your DH and pils if they want another child to do the following
Pay for the ivf
Go through a pregnancy
Give birth
Look after the baby for at least 18 years

Because if THEY want something so much THEY can do it! In short tell them to sod off

Pidapie Sat 13-Feb-16 18:13:15

Yanbu at all, I dread the comments we will get in the future too with only 1 child (out of choice and illness on my side). You sound like you had a horrible time first time round, and with having to pay for IVF too - I would be happy with one in your situation. I wish people would stop trying to guilt trip others to have more children. Just tell them it's better for the environment to have only 1!

nicetoshare Sat 13-Feb-16 18:13:48

Yanbu

Your son needs loving parents and a stable home. It sounds like not only dos he have that already (so there is no lack to address) but also that having a sibling would threaten it.

Fwiw I have th same personality as your ds. I have an older brother.

People are dicks.

You need to sort out your issues wth your husband, though.

Lurkedforever1 Sat 13-Feb-16 18:23:28

Yanbu. My dd (12) is an only child. She's always been a very confident extrovert, no social problems, assertive etc and in many ways the opposite to your ds. Which makes perfect sense, because personalities aren't remotely to the number of siblings you do or don't have. Nor is your ds's different personality a negative thing that needs 'curing', by siblings or anything else.

I can only think the stupid comments you are receiving are a rather nasty way of trying to emotionally blackmail you into having another child when you don't want to.

They're the selfish ones, not you.

pointythings Sat 13-Feb-16 18:28:10

YANBU - it's your life and you have enough on your plate. And there is absolutely no reason to suppose that your DS' personality is down to him being an only, that's just bollocks.

ijustwannadance Sat 13-Feb-16 18:40:45

Yadnbu. Tell them all to get fucked. My child is 4 and will most likely be an only. I get the pity face off people who think it's perfectly acceptable to constantly ask when we are having another one and I say probably never.

CheezyDibblez Sat 13-Feb-16 18:49:30

Thank you all for your comments, I totally thought it would be a case of tl;dr.
And yes, I take with a chunk of salt and a healthy dose of perspective of BS that DSs personality is due to his singleton status. He is who he is. I also know it's BS that having a sibling will make a difference; I speak from experience. I think DSs personality is inherited from me; I have a brother, I'm still functional.
PILs have zero idea how much of a bellend DH was during those crucial months. I think if I ever tried to bring it up, it would end up being my fault, in some way. He is the favourite son. They are a different ethnic & cultural background to me, & to try & tussle with that particular behemoth is more than I can manage. I think that is part of the reason why they are pressing for more grandchildren from him. He is the apple of their eye, they want an orchard.
Thank you again. It's hard to stick to your convictions when the majority - both silent & vocal - think you are insane for sticking with one.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding Sat 13-Feb-16 18:57:12

I have 3 - one is an observer - she still is at nearly 12 - Every child has "faults" which makes them unique!!

I seems you are pushed and pulled in all directions - stand up to PIL - sorry I don't want/can't afford/ have energy for another baby!! Not happening!!

Tell DH what you said here - he's lazy around the house - why not strike for a bit - the lack of clean undies will be apparent soon enough.

Yes they my be a different culture, but your culture is important too!

TwoLeftSocks Sat 13-Feb-16 19:16:18

YANBU at all!

Sounds like you need a stock phrase, something like 'not going to happen, please stop asking', repeated till they get the message.

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