To feel like this? I feel guilty and awful

(89 Posts)
TheCatsMeow Fri 12-Feb-16 17:09:13

I had a baby 6 months ago and I feel guilty for saying this but I'm bored out of my mind. All I do every day is look after a child. My baby has bad reflux and allergies and I spend all day covered in sick, he won't nap in the day so I don't get a break. Everything's a mess, I can't get anything done, I have to be watching him all the time. I took my eye off him for 10 seconds today and he fell off the bed. sad

I love my son but I feel so isolated. I don't have a job at the moment and have no childcare so I can't go back to work yet hardly any of my friends have kids and I feel guilty for wanting to do something else. I feel like a failure of a mother, as what sort of shitty parent doesn't want to be a SAHM? I shouldn't feel like this, I should enjoy every second together and loathe having to do anything else!

I'm very introverted and miss my books, gaming, watching Netflix, I love writing but never get time to do it...I've never been good with structure, I'm someone who likes to wake up and decide to go on a trip or buy random matinee tickets or go to the beach. I can't do that now, every day is the same, day in day out. I can't take it. I do go to a group which is nice but I miss other things. Before I'd go to the library for hours and just read, or sit in a coffee shop sketching it's little things like that. I feel like I've lost who I am

I feel like my child deserves better than me, someone who clearly is a crap mother. I have no idea what I'm looking for here, just needed to rant. I was told I have mild PND but I don't think this is that. Thought about NC but cannot be bothered. Thanks for reading.

HirplesWithHaggis Fri 12-Feb-16 17:13:59

You're not a crap mum, you're just exhausted. I think we've all felt the same way at least once, I certainly recall sobbing in a corner when ds1 was about that age - and he slept through the night!

Do you have a dp/dh? Can he give you a break?

Purplepicnic Fri 12-Feb-16 17:18:13

Bloody hell, not wanting to be a SAHM does NOT make you a shitty parent! There are thousands of excellent mothers out there who love their children dearly but cannot hack life at home revolving around playgroup and nappies. Reasonably so.

And I say that as a SAHM!

BolshierAryaStark Fri 12-Feb-16 17:19:19

It's perfectly normal to feel this way, having a baby is a huge lifestyle change-give yourself a break.
The 1st year at least is exhausting, I've always said I would have had more DC if they got dropped off with me at 12 months...
Do you have anyone who could look after your child for an hour or so every now & again just to give you a break-go for coffee or have your hair done or something?
I'm not going to lie & say it gets easier being a mum but it does get more interesting as they grow.
flowers

FluffyPersian Fri 12-Feb-16 17:19:25

One of my friends had a baby 3 months ago... She is amazing. She says she doesn't love her baby yet, as she doesn't know her baby. She says that when she met all the other Mothers at the local Mother and Baby group, they said it's like this massive 'Motherhood lie' that everyone LOVES being with their child 24/7... that being away from your child is painful and you have to lose all your friends and your identity pre-baby.

I appreciate some people may feel like that - BUT not everyone... My friend has already gone out with her friends, got drunk - her Husband was perfectly happy to have the child and she's already done some KIT days for work (which I appreciate you can't do as you say you're not working).

DON'T feel guilty - My friend admits her son is 'boring', that he doesn't 'do' much and that after 2.5 months, she's bored out of her head, so gets out the house most days and tries to keep up the hobbies she had before (which she's actually done pretty successfully).

I hope you manage to get a break soon smile

Purplepicnic Fri 12-Feb-16 17:20:04

Also, Google introverted mothers. It's actually a thing.

TheCatsMeow Fri 12-Feb-16 17:29:23

No I don't have a DP, DSs dad is violent and doesn't see him but I have a helpful family, I do get to go out occasionally which is nice but it's the days that are getting to me.

These replies have made me feel better. I think the motherhood lie has a lot to answer for, I feel crap because I don't have that birds singing happy to stay home style bubble women are apparently supposed to and it makes me feel like I'm shitty

And I feel the same about the 12month age, I'm good with children but not really babies...they don't "do" anything...and then I feel guilty I'm not interacting with him enough if I do manage to put him down. He's also heavy (91st) and I have hypermobility so my wrist keeps subluxing when holding him

I'll google introverted mothers

Lexipedia Fri 12-Feb-16 17:30:15

You sound a bit like me. I love my children, but I cant wait to get back to work and I live for time out of the house alone or with friends. I have to say, I've found it more pleasant second time round. I'd probably love it by the time I had four kids, but that is never going to happen!

TheCatsMeow Fri 12-Feb-16 17:37:11

Lexi I think in a way 2 is easier particularly when they're older as they can play with each other! That's just an assumption though of course

Goodbetterbest Fri 12-Feb-16 17:40:32

Oh god it IS boring! Mindnumbingly boring and there is no correlation to love - that is completely separate.

Sorry to say I do think you need to get yourself to baby groups/baby massage or something and search out a like minded friend. It can be awful I know - but can be so worth it. The younger your baby is the better - you can bond at the 'I haven't a clue' stage. once you do that life becomes so much more bearable. But it's a bloody slog.

I was a lone parent when my first was born. My 'baby mates' kept me sane. 14 years on I have a friend who I have done baby groups/toddler groups/nursery/reception/primary and high school. All you need is to find one person who you can say 'this is shit, I'm bored out of my fucking mind' to, or hear someone else say it.

Have a look at you MN local group. I've made some cracking RL friends through MN. Like I say, you only have to hit it off with one person.

Good luck.

FourForYouGlenCoco Fri 12-Feb-16 17:41:30

You're definitely not alone, I'd hazard a guess that the majority of parents, especially mothers, especially SAHMs, feel like this. I was bored shitless when DD was a baby. I drove myself into the ground working til 37 weeks pg so I could have a full year off with her (worked in a school so planned to use school holidays to my advantage) and ended up going back to work at 9 months as I was so desperate to feel human again! I loved her to distraction but was incredibly bored.
She's now 3.5 and we have a blast, she's my best buddy. I get plenty of downtime to do all the stuff I love doing (reading, doodling, TV-watching, etc) and we are forever off having spontaneous, spur-of-the-moment adventures, we just get up and go, no worries. Once you get past the first year or so it gets better and better IME. The memory of the crappy baby days has faded to the point I'm even willing to do it all again (16 weeks with #2).
I've no real advice, because there's not an awful lot you can do except wait for them to grow up a bit, but you're so definitely not alone. Lots of sympathy from over here flowers

Cel982 Fri 12-Feb-16 17:49:02

You're far from a shitty mother, please go easy on yourself. Being at home with a baby is really hard. I'm a SAHM for now because I think it's the best thing for my daughter, but that doesn't mean I enjoy every moment of it - far from it, in fact. Lots of it is boring and repetitive, and I miss adult company and the freedom to do my own thing without having to always put someone else's needs first. I don't think having those feelings makes me a bad parent.
Toddler groups/classes have been my saviour - the days when we have something structured to go to are so much easier. And I've made good friends that way.

TheCatsMeow Fri 12-Feb-16 18:07:30

Four thank you. I can't wait till I can do things with him, to take him to places and talk to him and play properly.

I just feel like some sort of defective woman, not helped by the fact I can't give birth naturally and bfing didn't work for me so I gave up. It's like other women are these loving all natural kind warm selfless beings and then there's me.

I know rationally that's bullshit but it's how I feel

FourForYouGlenCoco Fri 12-Feb-16 18:22:51

I think most mums, especially first time round, feel like that. I remember those early months as just an endless round of drudgery and stress and muddling along with no bloody idea what I was doing; according to reliable sources, I looked like a total natural. I most definitely didn't feel it! I went to postnatal group with a woman whose baby was a few months older than mine and I was painfully jealous at how organised and together she always seemed. We are now good friends and she laughs when I tell her that because she felt just like me, that she was doing it all wrong! There will always be someone lining up to condemn your choices and make you feel bad about something, and when you're vulnerable it's hard to ignore it like you normally would. But - you gave birth to your baby! You fed (and hopefully even are still feeding!) your baby! Anyone that gives a shit about the hows, whys and wherefores needs to butt out. It has literally nothing to do with anyone else. You do what works for you.
Babies have been surviving perfectly fine for millennia, through every single parenting trend that has ever been thought of. Current wisdom changes all the time - 5 years from now, all the stuff that's being touted as the 'best' way to raise a child will be totally obsolete. You just do the best you have with what you have. And you don't have to be perfect - not even close. You just have to be good enough. If he's fed, clothed, clean, you're doing a good job. And he will always love you, and think you're awesome and the best thing ever, because you're his mummy. Everyone else might look like they're doing a better job (they're not), but he'd rather have you than any of them.

WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant Fri 12-Feb-16 18:24:57

My dd is just 3. It's only now she is really becoming a "proper person"

I still try to do interesting things, I just take her along and hope she enjoys them!

You can still go to the beach. Just keep a bag ready packed, so you can 'grab and go'

Even something like a trip to B&Q can be a day out to a baby. With all the pretty lights...

Will he sleep in a car or buggy? My dd won't nap in her cot, but will sleep on the lawn, on the beach, pram, car, granny...

Allergies are a pig, but they get easier to handle, as you get to dealing with them.

I never bf either of mine, ds is probably the healthiest kid in his class. If everybody managed/wanted to bf, then cow and gate et al wouldn't be in business...

You are not alone. You are doing a good job in crap circumstances! Same as me...

Waves from near manchester

Neveradullm0ment Fri 12-Feb-16 18:51:00

I have two DCs - 7 and 3, I work full time - on contracts. My current job finishes in mid April. There's a chance I may be a SAHM for a while - the thought of being at home terrifies me! You are not a bad mother - you are totally normal. A bit of ennui can set in - I used to take the pram out and run while my youngest was napping. Even that 30 minutes gave me a bit of a mind break. U probably need something to break your routine?

RandomMess Fri 12-Feb-16 18:58:26

I have 4 DC

My third had silent reflux and cried/screamed/didn't sleep.

She is 12 now, I adore her, she is delightful but I have never forgotten the horror that was the first 8 months of her life. I returned to work early to get away from her...

You are not crap, it's difficult and isolating even with a partner and a happy/"easy" baby.

flowers

ridemesideways Fri 12-Feb-16 19:13:15

Another one here for the fucking boring camp.

Although mine was born naturally, breastfed forever, never had reflux, co-slept pretty neatly (so I don't have those excuses!) I still totally resonate with that feeling of:-

WHAT HAVE I DONE?!!

I used to potter about, listen to geeky podcasts, do what I like, and then suddenly it's like a bomb went off and I couldn't please myself anymore.

It also bears no relation to how much you love your child. None, whatsoever.

I think you have to grieve the life you once had, get through every day however you can, look back at the end of every day and pinpoint 2-3 things you enjoyed, deep breath and press on.

It won't always be like this. Every day you will be able to regain more and more control of your life. It will be different, but you WILL fine you again, I promise.

whatsagoodusername Fri 12-Feb-16 19:16:24

Babies are boring. They don't do anything except eat and sleep and cry and cause work for you. Even squidgy newborns that everyone seems to love.

They get better smile

ridemesideways Fri 12-Feb-16 19:17:02

find

mrsmugoo Fri 12-Feb-16 19:28:32

Perfectly normal to feel like that.

I did too at 6 months - bored, fat, exhausted!

I went back to work at 7.5 months and instantly felt better.

FWIW mine is just coming up for 2 now and the first year was really boring in comparison to the second year - toddlers are utterly hilarious compared to boring babies.

I'm 23 weeks with my second now and dreading maternity leave - wish I could just fast forward to the first birthday.

TheCatsMeow Fri 12-Feb-16 19:37:35

Thank you everyone it's relieving to hear it's not just me. I was feeling almost broken, like I must be a massive selfish bitch rather than the nurturing kind mother.

I didn't get the newborn bubble either because it was a traumatic birth featuring NICU so instead of that fuzzy feeling it was a "is he alive?" Feeling for the first couple of months.

tattyteddy Fri 12-Feb-16 19:38:57

Oh OP, my DS is 16 weeks and some days I feel totally isolated. I also have a DD in reception class. My days revolve around school drop off, feeding, nappy changes, school pick up and repeat. It's like ground hog day!

I'm looking forward to going back to work blush

I think motherhood can be relentless and I sometimes look at my life pre children and miss the freedom. I'm hoping as they get older they'll get more and more independent and I can get some of me back!

MoonDuke Fri 12-Feb-16 19:47:54

I totally understand.

DS1 had horrendous reflux (on-going aged 4.5!) and the early months were just endless changes of clothes for us both and no sleeping.

I remember it taking me 4 hours to empty the washing machine and hang up the clothes because he needed to be held all the time and cried in the sling if I bent down. And there was so much washing to do!

I went back to work when he was 6 months and it saved my sanity.

ghostyslovesheep Fri 12-Feb-16 19:50:47

Oh I couldn't wait to break free with all of mine - I loved them, they where brilliant but by god it was DULL!

YANBU OP but without friends with babies you are doomed - please try baby groups (at sure starts etc) because then you will know we ALL feel like this sometimes - and most of - at 3am after no sleep have considered throwing them out of the window, leaving them on a doorstep, running away!

I made some of my best friends when I had kids - and I am an anti social misanthropic biatch

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