DP and I are engaged and we have a great relationship most of the time.
For the last few months he's become extremely anxious about leaving taps on, electrics, cooker - everything really. Taking photographs with his phone of a tap so that he can prove that it isn't running etc. He'll often go back home when he's half way down the street to check. A few nights ago, after I'd had a very long day and I had only just relaxed out with him, I mentioned the cooker in passing and he got up and left and was gone nearly 45 minutes so that he can check the lights were off at home (they were). I'm finding this behaviour incredibly difficult to deal with and whenever I've raised it it's either been dismissed or he's told me that he lets go my personality quirks.
Similarly, is a problem with wanting to rush to leave immediately as soon as something is finished. For instance, I had a new friend round who is very shy and is going through a hard time, we had dinner and as soon as we had finished he was up, clearing, cleaning and making lots of yawning gestures saying he was tired and ready to go to bed. My friend took the hint and started to make tracks home. I was mortified and embarrassed that he would be so rude but he said he didn't mean to and thought he was actually being nice.
Last night was the straw that broke the camel's back. We were sitting and relaxing when he immediately asked me if I was ready to leave, proceeded to check and recheck the taps, electrics, keys and said that I should go ahead so that we make the next bus. He could see that I still had lots to do and I didn't like being rushed. I didn't want to make a scene or pick a fight but my mood clearly changed. Later on, he became angry at me for 'spoiling a lovely' evening and I really hit the roof and said some unkind things how about how I was sick of this kind of behaviour and brought up the fact that he was rude to my friend the other night. I called his anxieties about taps running and the cooker ridiculous and he started to become extremely upset and angry. Stormed out of the room and wouldn't speak to me. Exasperated, I asked if we could talk about this like grown ups so we didn't go to sleep upset with each other. He refused and this morning told me he was extremely angry and upset and that I had behaved disgustingly. He said that I'd crossed a line and that I had no right speaking about his anxieties - they were his problems not mine. He also said that I had mental health problems and he would never be so unkind about them. He said that he had let my attitude towards the other night 'slide' but that I had no right to make him feel so small and to belittle him. Now he's gone to work.
I apologised repeatedly this morning for speaking so unkindly and i've done so again by text. I do mean it as I don't like to upset him and whilst I thought he might have some control over his tendencies and his rushing around, maybe they are wider mental health problems and probably symptomatic of OCD or similar. In my text, I said that I was really sorry for being so unkind but that I wish he would talk to me and not shut me out. I said that I just wanted to talk things through so I could support him. He's ignored this text and I know that he's seen it.
I'm not normally so insensitive but, similarly, I don't think his reaction to this reasonable. Can anybody with experience of OCD or of living with somebody with the condition suggest what I can do to support him? Thanks for reading.
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Who is being unreasonable? If it's me, how do I fix this?
43 replies
coralpig · 12/02/2016 12:09
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