Is it me or him? Little things potentially snowballing into a big issue

(30 Posts)
notahappybunny1 Tue 09-Feb-16 12:07:22

Just need some perspective really.

Our toddler isn't sleeping very well, children rarely sleep in past 6am anyway and it's been a tough week at work for both of us and we're tired.

But ... I'm usually upbeat and happy but I'm really struggling with it at the moment.

He works full-time and long hours, I work part-time but do all the house stuff etc - and its pretty full on as children are pre-school age.

We just seem to bicker all the time.

I am polite, thoughtful and try to teach this to my children - yet I feel I have an overgrown child I'm educating at the same time! A little thanks goes a long way with me and he should know this after over 10 years together.

This morning he's really brought me down. We didn't really speak as I could tell he was in a bad mood after not sleeping well again but I was civil and made small talk.

I didn't get a response.

I then mentioned (as I do every month) that its 11 months to the date since my Dad passed away - to which he responded with "Is it? Next month will be tough. So are you getting a shower now or what, it's 6.30am and I'm going to be late"

I didn't speak to him after that and I don't think he really noticed/or it bothered him.

Seriously - I have friends/family who would have reacted in such a different way - they'd have started a fight with their other half, told him exactly what they thought, chucked stuff and cried.

I just feel numb. And I'm scared it's because I don't really care enough to fight anymore.

Am I oversensitive? Is he a grumpy thoughtless git? Is it a bigger issue or are we just in need of sleep?

Costacoffeeplease Tue 09-Feb-16 12:10:38

I'm not seeing the problem really. He acknowledged that next month will be tough. What did you want him to say?

Sandbrook Tue 09-Feb-16 12:14:33

He could have managed a bit more empathy, it hasn't been long since your father passed so you're still grieving. But I would chalk this one down to tiredness. He may not have realised he has offended you.
Sleep deprivation turns lovely people into fuck wagons.

notahappybunny1 Tue 09-Feb-16 12:22:18

Costa - he was abrupt and if it was the other way around I would have given him a hug and said I knew the date and I know it's tough and tried to make him feel a bit happier

Sandbrook - thanks, I agree with the empathy.

Just think I'm feeling unappreciated at the moment but like you said - sleep deprivation does do that!

On the brightside - it's not new-born sleep deprivation. I'd have stabbed him with a spoon if it had been

LagunaBubbles Tue 09-Feb-16 12:23:17

Im not getting what your issue with what he said to you, what upset you?

Costacoffeeplease Tue 09-Feb-16 12:24:12

At 6.30 am, trying to get ready for work etc, I don't think he did too badly

notahappybunny1 Tue 09-Feb-16 12:24:46

It was the 'I'm not really that ar5ed' tone that I can't really type

Borninthe60s Tue 09-Feb-16 12:24:48

I think sleep deprivation and grief have overtaken you. Why not have a chat with your GP or HV X

Fidelia Tue 09-Feb-16 12:30:03

I don't see what he did that was so bad?

If you wanted a bit more sympathy and a hug, then why not say "I'm missing dad, can I have a hug?"

What you said was loaded with your unspoken expectations and kind of set him up to fail. I think he actually did quite well at that time in the morning with not enough sleep.

PolaDeVeboise Tue 09-Feb-16 12:30:50

One thing I have learned over the years OP, is that you can't expect people to react to or say what you would have said in a given situation - we're all different. As the other posters have advised, I'd chalk this down to tiredness.

LagunaBubbles Tue 09-Feb-16 12:32:57

If you wanted a bit more sympathy and a hug, then why not say "I'm missing dad, can I have a hug?

I agree with this, no-one is a mind reader and lot of the time we take it for granted that our nearest and dearest know us well and therefore know what we mean, want etc yet get upset when they dont do or do something thats "wrong". I know Im a bit guilty of this and have to stop and think.

firesidechat Tue 09-Feb-16 12:37:39

It doesn't sound that bad.

I'm a morning person and can be quite chatty first thing. My husband and the rest of the family too, need at least 2 cups of tea/coffee and about 2 hours before they open their mouths. We've all learnt to appreciate our differences - I talk and they ignore me. It seems to work well. grin

PurpleDaisies Tue 09-Feb-16 12:38:40

One thing I have learned over the years OP, is that you can't expect people to react to or say what you would have said in a given situation - we're all different. As the other posters have advised, I'd chalk this down to tiredness.

This^. It's really easy to read something into nothing and end up having huge arguments over things that are just misunderstandings. I'm guessing that 630am in most households isn't the happiest time of the day and it's a big rush to get everything sorted so maybe your dh was in task mode and didn't clock you were wanting a hug.

Sorry about your dad. flowers

notahappybunny1 Tue 09-Feb-16 12:41:04

I think I've just got myself wound up about a long list of things that've gone on over time - small things I should have spoken up about that have snowballed into me feeling so numb/underappreciated.

This small snippet I understand doesn't give the full picture.

I'll put it down to tiredness today and make sure the coffee is out tomorrow

flowers for the perspective

PurpleDaisies Tue 09-Feb-16 12:42:53

We've all done it op. Could you manage a nap or at least a sit down this afternoon? Everything is worse through the veil of tiredness.

caitlinohara Tue 09-Feb-16 12:42:55

It sounds like you both have a lot on at the moment.

Seriously - I have friends/family who would have reacted in such a different way - they'd have started a fight with their other half, told him exactly what they thought, chucked stuff and cried I'm not clear whether you think this would be a better approach, but surely it would be more sensible to be honest about what you need - it's nice that you are polite and thoughtful but maybe you need to be more open about what's bothering you.

NotDavidTennant Tue 09-Feb-16 12:43:42

This > "Seriously - I have friends/family who would have reacted in such a different way - they'd have started a fight with their other half, told him exactly what they thought, chucked stuff and cried." is the problem.

Your friends and family are drama llamas and their example is leading you to believe that fighting = caring.

kali110 Tue 09-Feb-16 12:44:15

Im so your grieving. I found my ex dp not very supportive, but i don't think your dp was wrong here.
It's hard for people to know what to do or say.
My dp still doesn't know what to sAy and it's been 6 years.
Hope you're ok. It's my anniversary soon and i still haven't gotten over it xx

PurpleDaisies Tue 09-Feb-16 12:45:12

It does sound like you might need to talk to your dh about feeling über appreciated though. It is easy to slip into a routine that makes you unhappy.

We got into a rut over cleaning and had a really productive talk about it and things are miles better now (with the aid of our lovely cleaner). Clearing the air makes a world of difference.

leelu66 Tue 09-Feb-16 12:47:49

OP, why are you doing all the housework? You're working part time as well.

It sounds like he is not pulling his weight.

Can you ask him to do more (maybe at weekends)?

tinyterrors Tue 09-Feb-16 12:50:00

I'm sorry for your loss. My mum died just before Christmas two years ago and I know how hard it can be just to get through the day.

In the nicest possible way I think you were a bit oversensitive. At that time of the morning, with or without sleep deprivation, I'd have got the same response from my dh. He wouldn't mean to be abrupt or uncaring but he's not a morning person and wouldn't think there was something else going on with me. It's not that he doesn't care what I've been through losing my mum, he sat up with me when I couldn't sleep through grief and took the week after she died off work without me asking for help, it's just that he's never been there so doesn't understand how grief can invade every minite of your life.

I agree with pp and if you need a hug then tell him. With the best will in the world he can't read your mind. He did acknowledge that next month will be difficult for you. Perhaps have a conversation when he gets home and tell him how you're feeling. It's easy to feel unappreciated when you have young children, never mind the added grief and stress of losing a parent. Talk to him and explain how you're feeling and what you need from him.

deregistered Tue 09-Feb-16 12:51:05

I'm sorry you lost your father thanks

It is difficult for us to give advice or opinions based on this incident because on it's own it's just him being knackered and distracted, so no big deal.

But you say he's like an overgrown child and this is just the latest in a long line of things that have got to you.

Do you want to post more about that?

ThumbWitchesAbroad Tue 09-Feb-16 12:55:14

Sounds like you got a fairly mechanical response, but in fairness, it was very early, you're both very tired and I guess getting to work was, at that moment, uppermost in his mind in terms of importance. Which, if you were less tired yourself, you might understand better - he might have thought "she could have told me this later, when I had more time to be sympathetic".

But you say it's just one straw in the whole pile of them, so I can see how it would grate more - however, on its own, this isn't that much of an issue.

Theoretician Tue 09-Feb-16 12:57:01

I used to have my first cup of coffee when I arrived at work, about 2 hours after I woke up. Anyone who spoke to me before I'd finished it, for any reason whatsoever, would be told to fuck off. (Well, not really, but it might have been implied by my tone.)

I would regard mentioning any anniversary of a death as being a needy drama llama. I barely know what to say when it happens, treating annual let alone monthly anniversaries as special occasions seems pointlessly self-destructive.

I know its customary to celebrate birthdays and wedding anniversaries, but why would any sane person choose to feel particularly bad just because the date had some digits in common with a bad one in the past? I think all of you who do this are just a little bit nuts.

jelliebelly Tue 09-Feb-16 13:10:10

Dh and I have been married for 20 years and we still barely speak to each other in the mornings - not a good time of day to be seeking sympathy/hugs etc really.

If you are feeling generally under appreciated then you need to sit down and talk about it, not let things fester and turn into sulking or arguments. Dh may genuinely not realise he is being a dick about stuff unless you point it out.

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