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AIBU?

...to not wear this ring?

68 replies

RavenOriole · 09/02/2016 02:21

MIL died v. recently and I have inherited an enormous sapphire and diamond ring. It was made pre-Diana but think her engagement ring for sort of scale. But bigger. It is not me.

FIL thinks I will wear it all the time as a living memory. DH is the same but is currently mirroring his dad in all things MIL related.

But not only is it not my style, I'm not comfortable walking around with something on my finger worth more than my house.

I obv won't sell it, but equally I won't wear it. Is there any way of doing this without causing offence?

OP posts:

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ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/02/2016 02:23

Are you prone to losing things? That would be a good reason not to wear it.
If it's really worth that much, perhaps it should be in a bank vault rather than hanging round the house.
What about insurance? It should be insured separately if it's that valuable.

OR if you want to find a way to wear it, could you maybe wear it on a chain around your neck? Or is it still too ostentatious for that?

AcrossthePond55 · 09/02/2016 02:32

Can you just wear it around your FiL, assuming you don't see him everyday. Or tell him and DH that the thought of losing or damaging it or it 'getting stolen' just ties you up in knots and you can't 'enjoy' wearing it everyday, just on 'special occasions'?

AcrossthePond55 · 09/02/2016 02:33

Did MiL wear it every day?

BillSykesDog · 09/02/2016 02:35

Do you have daughters or are you planning children? You could make a big deal about the value etc but also wanting to have it in ultra safe keeping for her granddaughter. Say something about how you would see it as theirs rather than yours. Or if you have sons, that you think they might use it as an engagement ring.

RavenOriole · 09/02/2016 02:47

Currently TTC first child. And have been for a long, horrible time. Was 16 weeks when she died but have since miscarried.

She wore it every day. We will get it insured separately which I would be much more comfortable with, but it's much flashier than my own wedding/engagement rings so am much more scared. I'm not someone who loses things easily though (touches wood).

See FIL a lot. Once a week before MIL died. Probably more now.

OP posts:

RavenOriole · 09/02/2016 02:51

I don't wear any other jewellery. Occasionally a £15 necklace from Accessorize.

OP posts:

EmbroideryQueen · 09/02/2016 02:55

for your miscarriage and death of MIL OP.

Someone I know has the same dilemma. The insurance for their enormous ring states it is not covered when not being worn!! Make sure you get better insurance. I'd also suggest putting it in a safety deposit box. Unless you're sufficiently wealthy that it's not that important.

PiratesLifeForMe · 09/02/2016 02:56

Maybe they are putting more importance on this ring because it's all so recent, they might ease up their focus a bit as time goes on.

Lots of things are extra-intense when you first lose someone, maybe the ring is one of those things & you could go along with it for a while & gradually start phasing in the 'for special occasions' reasons?

RavenOriole · 09/02/2016 03:11

I've not lost anyone this close before. Any having lost another baby just recently is making me fuzzy. DH has four brothers and we're still at ILs (we can both work remotely). All the brothers are here. I don't like being with all these boys. MIL was my saviour in these situations. I know no women here.

OP posts:

TheMaddHugger · 09/02/2016 03:21

(((((((((((Huge Hugs)))))))))))) OP, your family and all

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/02/2016 03:39

Oh Raven - what a sad state of affairs, I'm so sad and sorry for you (((hugs)))
MCs are horrible at the best of times, and this is far from that! If all the boys are there, can you not persuade your DH to go home now, it sounds like you need some space to grieve your own loss, as well as that of your MIL.

The thing about the ring should be put on the backburner for now - tell DH to tell FIL that you're very happy to have MIL's ring, but just for now, you'd be much happier if it was somewhere safe, like a bank. Until you're feeling more yourself again, that kind of thing.

Hope DH is supporting you. x

Lweji · 09/02/2016 04:01

I think that's the type of thing that's really personal and they really shouldn't force you to wear it in any circumstances.
I might explain that you're not her daughter and you're certainly not her. Wearing her ring won't bring her back and you'd feel weird filling up her shoes and being some sort of proxy for her.
I'd insist on skipping a generation and safe keeping it for your eventual dd. Or your eventual sure to give his fiance.

Alternatively, perhaps you could change it into a brooch or a pendant?

Topsy34 · 09/02/2016 05:14

I'm so sorry for your family's loss.

I would be scared to wear a ring with that much monetary value and sentimental value.

Maybe for now, not wear it. When the subject comes up, explain that you are so proud to have been entrusted with such a precious thing that you simply can't wear it every day as you are so scared to lose one thinf that means so much to them both.

Can you compromise and wear it on occasions?

RidersOnTheStorm · 09/02/2016 05:31

Could you have it reset as a pendant? I did that with MiL's enormous ring and it's much more "me".

sashh · 09/02/2016 06:02

Tell them you are honoured to have been given the ring, but much as you loved your MIL it should pas to her blood relative(s).

It should be kept in a bank vault and either given to first granddaughter or can be remodeled and split between grand children, at that time you will be honoured to have something made with one of the smaller stones.

HeddaGarbled · 09/02/2016 06:19

I wouldn't argue with them now - it's all new and raw. Wait till you get home then just stop wearing it. How soon can you go home?

Iggi999 · 09/02/2016 07:06

This is not "the norm" or something expected of most people.
You don't need a living memory, you have lots of memories of MIL and can show them you are thinking of them in other ways.
I wouldn't even talk about it to start with, just put it in a box and make sure it comes out once a week perhaps?
They need to be extra sensitive around you too now, sounds like your emotions may be being swept under the carpet a bit.

fastdaytears · 09/02/2016 07:11

OP are you still staying at the ILs with 3 BIL when you've just lost your baby? I'm not sure that's very fair on you, and it won't be helping your DH either. I would need to be in my own house alone with my DH. You have two lots of grief to process and being in a house full of people wouldn't work for me.

ColdCottage · 09/02/2016 07:16

Sorry for your losses.
I agree make it into a pendant. Easy to wear, not lose and to hide away. Plus you can choose the setting in a style you like.
Also if you do wear it as a ring most people would think it was costume jewelry I'm sure if it is THAT big.
Good luck with conceiving.

Aspergallus · 09/02/2016 07:21

No, this shouldn't be expected for you. Not for your own mother and certainly not for an in-law. Totally impractical for day to day life.

Do you work? If so, could just say it's against work dress code and you don't want to be taking it on and off all the time and risk losing it. You will wear it on special occasions. Full stop.

acasualobserver · 09/02/2016 07:26

I think the pendant idea from pps is very good.

WeeseKeysAreThese · 09/02/2016 07:30

Yanbu, I find this strange. I wouldn't wear it personally and say you don't feel comfortable wearing it on a day to day basis.

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bakeoffcake · 09/02/2016 07:40

If it's worth more than a house it's going to be incredibly expensive to insure, as in thousands of pounds.

I'd get it valued and an insurance quote then hand it back to FIL saying it's too expensive for you to insure.

SoupDragon · 09/02/2016 07:45

So sorry for your losses

How recently is recent? I would be inclined to wear it for a while, make up some excuse about needing to get it resized before you are comfortable wearing it outside and then address the issue later when things are perhaps not so raw. I would be a little wary about suggesting it be remade into anything else.

My brothers and I inherited a large 3 stone diamond ring from my grandmother. It was split into 3 solitaire rings which I and my SILs wear. You say your DH has 4 brothers - is splitting it into 5 items a possibility? I suspect not unless there are other gemstones in other jewellery items to add to the ones in the ring.

Seeyounearertime · 09/02/2016 07:50

if it is very valuable i'd get it insured and stored in a very safe place. if anyone asks where it is, don't tell them, just say it's very safe and that's where it's staying as it's so valuable to you.

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