To not tell DH straight away that I am pregnant...

(26 Posts)
Havetobecrazytolivehere Mon 08-Feb-16 17:16:22

Hi, I had an unplanned pregnancy last October but had a mc at around 5-6 weeks. At the time my DH didn't take the initial news very well but came round after a few days and after the mc said we should try again. He also said that I shouldn't keep testing so early as it was a lot less stressful when there are only 7 months left. I have missed my period and have rather predictably done a test which is positive and I am now 5 weeks. I am terrified of having another mc and have told absolutely no-one apart from MN. DH has been in Europe for a few days and just got back, I feel guilty for not telling him yet but think it will be less stressful for both of us if I don't tell him until I get past 6 weeks. Am I doing the wrong thing?

PennyHasNoSurname Mon 08-Feb-16 17:19:25

It depends. I told dh because he wanted a pregnancy and I wanted his support when I felt ill or if the worst happened.

What I think is sad from your post is that you are terrified of another mc (understandably), but still feel that your dhs preferences are more important than that - you should be able to rely on his support and to be able to say "I am telling you because I need your support"

tickleyourpickle Mon 08-Feb-16 17:19:46

I don't think your doing the wrong thing, but do you think he will be annoyed of he does find out that you've known and not told him?

I Wish you the best of luck with your pregnancy, it can be terrifying time of youve MC previously

AnotherEmma Mon 08-Feb-16 17:20:06

When you first got pregnant why didn't he take the news very well?
Why did he blame you for taking a test? Why do you agree with him? Surely it's better to know you're pregnant so you can take care to avoid anything that might increase your risk of miscarriage.
If it's a good relationship I would tell him so that you can support each other with the anxiety. But if he's not likely to be supportive maybe that's a relationship issue you need to try and address?

magpie17 Mon 08-Feb-16 17:20:06

I'm sure lots of people will tell you you're doing the wrong thing but I kind of understand your thinking in a way. What it your reason for not telling though? To save him from the worry? Or because he might react badly? I'm not sure what not telling him is going to achieve. If the worst did happen, God forbid, then surely you would tell him anyway?

I guess I'm not sure why six weeks is better than five?

WhirlyTwos Mon 08-Feb-16 17:21:51

Congratulations OP!

I don't think waiting a week to tell him matters. Whatever you feel comfortable with.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Mon 08-Feb-16 17:22:16

It's a bit weird to be honest

Quoteunquote Mon 08-Feb-16 17:24:30

Just tell him, or he will start second guessing why you are behaving differently, you would want him to be honest with you.

It's horrible having to feel frightened of how a pregnancy may go, try not to worry.

ticket123 Mon 08-Feb-16 17:25:02

I'd be livid if my partner hid this from me

Sighing Mon 08-Feb-16 17:25:37

I do understand. But. The support of dh following all the mc was so necessary. He might be disappointed you tested, but then i always get an inkling that's what's going on with my body. Also. It hurts but the information is useful for your medical records flowers best wishes

BlondeOnATreadmill Mon 08-Feb-16 17:27:16

First of all, Congratulations!

Please be assured that mc with a first pregnancy is common. Not so much with a second. I had a mc first time around, and went on to have 2 healthy babies after that. My sister had mc with her first. Went on to have healthy baby second time around.

The only reason not to tell him, would be if you would hide a mc from him, should you mc again. And I don't think that would be a good idea, do you?

That would be an enormous secret to keep, and no good can come of secrets within a loving marriage.

When I was pg with all of mine, I always told my parents and sister on the day I found out. My thinking was, that I wouldn't keep a mc from them anyway, as I would need their support.

I would tell him, and then enjoy it! It will be all good this time, I am sure.

Havetobecrazytolivehere Mon 08-Feb-16 17:30:53

He didn't take the news very well because this will be our 4th dc but I had fallen pregnant as soon as I came off my pill. I think he was hoping for a longer ttc bit before I became sleepy and nauseous. He does like to keep his head in the sand a bit in the nicest possible way he is quite easy going but kept changing his mind whenever we talked about ttc ( an old thread now ).
He will be supportive I know and he is a brilliant dad. I was always going to test early as if I wasn't pregnant I would have been straight back to ttc as I really want to complete our family. He is also planning a trip to California next year to see a friend but it is really expensive and I doubt we can afford it if I am having a baby as we will need a new car. Thanks for your advice

usual Mon 08-Feb-16 17:31:41

I think its a bit weird not to tell him.

Havetobecrazytolivehere Mon 08-Feb-16 17:35:13

You are all right of course I have to tell him, I couldn't get through another mc on my own. He probably already knows as I told him not to buy me wine at the airport. I would have felt weird telling him over the phone whilst he was abroad though.

Eminado Mon 08-Feb-16 17:35:42

I am very sorry for your previous loss.

So you dont want to tell him because he is going to moan at you about the timing? Ie too soon/no holiday etc

If that is it in a nutshell then I am sorry but that is not very kind of him.

It is terrifying in the early stages after a mc, speaking with current experience.

Iggi999 Mon 08-Feb-16 17:40:49

I waited a while before telling dh after another MC. I wanted to feel the feelings on my own for a while.
If things had gone well it wouldn't have mattered waiting a bit, but fortunately I told him a few days before I started to mc again. I would not have liked to have to tell him both together, though not sure it's any worse for him to be honest not to have hope.
Congratulations OP.

Italiangreyhound Mon 08-Feb-16 17:50:48

Havetobecrazytolivehere, I am so sorry for your loss and congratulations on your pregnancy.

I agree with PennyHasNoSurname and anotherEmma.

You are not 'wrong' but I can't see it is helpful to your marriage.

Firstly you husband should not be telling you when you can test! It's your call. What he can say is please do not tell me until you get to XX weeks. Which seems fair but also rather selfish, and a bit childish, what you have called 'head in the sand'!

I sincerely hope all will be well with this pregnancy but if, in future, you were to have another loss you would need to tell your dh and have his support, which may mean you end up (ONE DAY, not now) not telling him until after a loss! I sincerely hope you do not have another loss and you need to know that you and your dh will cope when you know how things go, no one with their head in the sand

To be fair to you it is rather childish of him to struggle with the 9 month wait! He should be saying how can I help you with this, not trying to avoid it all.

I hope this pregnancy goes well, tell him when you are ready but before the next explain it takes 9 months and many women find out at about 6 or 7 weeks so it is about 8 months wait during which time you need to rest, and he needs to help you, if you can;t tell him when you are pregnant he then need to help you ALL THE TIME in case!

Best of luck.

Chippednailvarnish Mon 08-Feb-16 17:56:56

You seem more concerned about what he feels, what he wants, what his plans are than you. Frankly you're not making him sound very nice.

PicaK Mon 08-Feb-16 17:58:12

Do you think he could have said that crap, stupid thing about not testing because he was in the throes of grief and not thinking properly? It's not really a rational thing to say.
The mmc is still v recent for you both. I don't think you'll go through this pregnancy worry free sadly.

AutumnLeavesArePretty Mon 08-Feb-16 18:00:48

There shouldn't be any secrets in a marriage if it's a good one do I'd tell him. I'd be lived too if DH kept something so huge from me.

I'd also find a way of him doing his trip as it sounds like he has only agred to TTC as its your wish so telling him you've got what you want and he has to sacrifice his wants sounds very unfair.

VoldysGoneMouldy Mon 08-Feb-16 18:14:43

Tell him, and hopefully he won't say anything as bloody stupid as you think he will.

MotherKat Mon 08-Feb-16 19:08:58

I'm glad you decided to tell, I wasn't telling DH because there were a number of very poor outcomes possible and nothing he could have done (I was already in hospital for something else) and unfortunately this led the medical team into accidentally leaving him thinking something far worse.

murmuration Mon 08-Feb-16 19:21:11

I don't get the don't test early thing - obviously you know if you've missed your period! And you'd like to know if it's because you're pregnant. Otherwise you just sit around wondering, and I really don't see the difference. Especially if you waited another month(??) and then you'd wonder if you'd MC or were just really late. I had a late period but didn't get my ass in gear soon enough to test, then had some seriously weird on-and-off bleeding a few weeks later, before my next period came on time. I still wonder if I was pregnant and miscarried or not. I try to tell myself I wasn't, as I don't want to deal with the grief, but it will always be a question and will never be answered. I now wish I knew.

AnUtterIdiot Mon 08-Feb-16 20:09:32

He also said that I shouldn't keep testing so early as it was a lot less stressful when there are only 7 months left.

Yes, well, if that's what he wants to do when he thinks he might be pregnant then he can sit and wait. And not drink anything for two months just in case he might be. Et cetera. Either he's not thought it through (which I suspect is the case - just doesn't understand how when it's actually happening to your own body you can't not check) or he's saying you shouldn't tell him until 2 months in so that he doesn't have to go through another miscarriage, which would be unbelievably selfish.

If you want to tell him, you tell him, OP. Of course you're entitled to his support. He's just being silly.

PS I know it's early and you're probably feeling very superstitious but congratulations smile

Duckdeamon Mon 08-Feb-16 20:42:00

Incredibly selfish, inconsiderate behaviour on his part.

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