I'm no longer sure what I think about this situation anymore and wonder if I've lost all perspective and therefore BU. This may be long as I don't want to drip feed.
I have MS and had walking probs occasionally, but I had an accident 8 1/2 years ago which put me in a wheelchair for a few weeks, and by the time it came to getting out of it I found I was not able to. Anyway, long story short I've never walked since. It was quite an eye opener as to how many friends I lost, but my thinking is that they can't have been that good friends anyway.
Anyway here's the back story. My DH has a group of friends that he's had since he was about 12. When we got together 18+ years ago I slotted into the group and all the wives/gf of the group became friends too. We had been together 10 years before I needed the wheelchair.
Anyway when this happened no one contacted me, ok I didn't contact them, but emotionally I was having a tough time. Every time the group would get together they would do it in a 300 yr old pub (that was their local when they were in their teens), but no one lives there now. Admittedly it's not far away.
Each time I would mention to them that I couldn't get in to the pub in the wheelchair. Every time was the same though. The one time they had a get together somewhere else it was in an old listed building, which I also couldn't get in. Again, when they were checking out beforehand who was coming, I explained why I couldn't, so they knew the situation.
This year one of them got married and we could actually go. They spoke and were friendly, and a couple spent a decent while chatting with me. Everyone went outside after the ceremony and DH had gone off with DD and a couple of his mates and their children to explore. The outside was an uneven slate area. Obviously the wheelchair couldn't manoeuvre on this so I sat just where the doors opened to outside. A couple of people spoke with me for a while, but for about 30 minutes I was sat there on my own. I could see people looking at me and could almost hear them thinking 'oh look at that poor disabled woman on her own', and they'd come over to chat.
I am a friendly, outgoing, quite confident person and like meeting new people so this was all good, but the pity was almost palpable. All of the friends were milling around but no one came over to speak, and I couldn't get to them. Later in the day I had transferred onto a chair (as it's uncomfortable staying in the wheelchair all day), so I obviously couldn't move. The people I'd been talking to at my table were off talking to other people, (and DH and DD were out of the room again), and although there was a big table of DH's friends and partners next to me, no one came over. It wasn't close enough to speak/shout (plus music too loud), and although I made eye contact/smiled/waved (held my hand up to say hi really), I still sat there on my own.
When we got home I told DH everything that had happened and said that I really didn't feel comfortable going to anything with his friends again, and that it wasn't like I hadn't tried, 8+ years is long enough. He said of course.
Now the thing is DH is pretty shy and does not do confrontation at all. I am definitely not shy, but I don't do confrontation and simply can not speak up for myself - it's like a mental block. For anyone else, and especially the underdog, I don't hesitate.
Anyway the issue now. It's a couple of his friends big birthday coming up and one of their wives has organised going for a meal. She messaged me on FB to let me know the details for the evening. I unfriended all of his friends/their wives last year, so she must have noticed.
She mentioned about it being in X place that is fully accessible etc. I told DH I wouldn't be going (helps someone needs to stay home with DD), but that I'd gladly drop him there and he can get a taxi home.
Not only have they cut me out (which to be honest is ok, they weren't my friends initially anyway), but the thing that really pisses me off is the way they've cut DH off. They go for nights out and put the pics on FB and no one has even told him about it. Yes he should say something, but like me he has a real inability/loathing to confront. I know by not saying anything that it's almost condoning it. I've finally had enough and have said no more.
I don't want to spend the night with people who really couldn't give a toss. I know I/we should say something, but I really don't want to deal with the shit. I feel a bit guilty that she has said that it 's all accessible etc, in my head it's a bit bloody late for that after 8 1/2 years.
AIBU to not want to go?
Please or to access all these features
Please
or
to access all these features
AIBU?
AIBU not wanting to go?
25 replies
Hushabyelullaby · 07/02/2016 23:21
OP posts:
DixieNormas ·
08/02/2016 01:42
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
LindyHemming ·
08/02/2016 06:55
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
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