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AIBU?

To say something about this smelly friend?

74 replies

OhSmellItMay · 07/02/2016 16:17

My best friend's brother stinks. He's a proper scruffy git and I'm not sure he knows what soap and water is. (Example- his hands are always filthy.) He smells like dirty clothes. He's always dressed in old ratty clothes (he came out shopping with us the other day and wore a jumper with a huge stain on the front and a hole in the arm. A group of ladies went past and made a comment about his appearance!)

Friend has asked me to take her to look at a new car tomorrow. Brother wants to come along and quite frankly, the thought of him being there is making me not want to go. (He's also an abrasive twat who thinks the world's against him!) I could smell him in my car after he'd gotten out the other day.

I've known them for many years and there's no reason for him to be like this. I think it comes down to just not giving a crap. WIBU to say something to him?

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bodenbiscuit · 07/02/2016 16:18

Ewwwww

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Arfarfanarf · 07/02/2016 16:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DoJo · 07/02/2016 16:24

Is he depressed? Lack of interest in personal care could be a symptom of this, but I think I would discuss it with your friend before addressing it directly with her brother. Has she ever mentioned it to you?

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Adeleslostbeehive · 07/02/2016 16:24

I think you'd be rude to say something about his hygiene

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RedOnHerHedd · 07/02/2016 16:26

Sounds like depression to me, especially if he thinks the world is against him. No advice on how to approach it. Maybe ask him how he's feeling in himself and if he opens up at all suggest a trip to the GP.

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Janey50 · 07/02/2016 16:29

Find it hard to believe that your friend hasn't actually noticed this. Could you not tactfully broach the subject with her?

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OhSmellItMay · 07/02/2016 16:30

No, he's no depressed.

I think he's rude to go around stinking.

He's applying for jobs but getting knocked back because of his appearance.

I'm fairly blunt in person, and they know that. Was going to go with something like 'Name, you're looking scruffy and you smell. I think that's why you're struggling to find a job. If you make sure you're clean, I'll pay for you a haircut for your next round of interviews.'

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OhSmellItMay · 07/02/2016 16:30

Friend will have noticed, but she's fairly shy/quiet and wouldn't say anything to him!

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ilovesooty · 07/02/2016 16:33

You'd really say something like that, unsolicited, to someone about their job search?

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Adeleslostbeehive · 07/02/2016 16:34

You seem determined to humiliate him and clearly don't like him.

Going round smelling bad isn't "rude". It's unpleasant but it's not a personal affront to you. It has nothing to do with you.

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mommy2ash · 07/02/2016 16:35

Do you really think anything you are going to say will be a revelation?

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BlueMoonRising · 07/02/2016 16:35

How do you know he isn't depressed?

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Gunting · 07/02/2016 16:35

how do you know he isn't depressed?

When i had depression my mum (who i lived with and has had depression before) didn't realise until i told her

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IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece · 07/02/2016 16:37

Why humiliate him? You just sound like a twat tbh

My DB was like this...it was only when he pulled himself out of deep depression (and not easily I hasten to add) did he sort himself out

No one (seriously no one...family included) had any idea whatsoever that he was suffering and many people probably thought the same as you...luckily no body thought to humiliate him over it

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JohnLuther · 07/02/2016 16:37

Wow you sound charming OP.

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Floggingmolly · 07/02/2016 16:39

Do you know the reason he's being turned down for jobs is his poor appearance? If so; he knows too, so nothing you can say will make any difference.

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TheTigerIsOut · 07/02/2016 16:39

Just say you can't do the date and let her go with the stinky brother.

I don't think you are expected to put up with a stinker and the lingering smell afterwards, but if it is affecting you this much better give them a wide berth than risking the friendship for hurting the brother.

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OhSmellItMay · 07/02/2016 16:39

He needs someone to step in and say something. His sister won't. His parents died a few years ago. He can't go on like he is, because he'll never get a job and he really wants one. And it's getting to the point where people -his friends- are embarrassed to be seen with him.

I'm sure it could be more tactfully worded but I honestly think he needs an intervention. He applied for a job where I work and came in dressed in holey jeans, a t-shirt with a big stain on it and a scuffy hoody. I know for a fact he has a nice interview suit because I gave one to him.

I don't dislike him, I'm frustrated with him. He's always moaning about not being able to get a job but yet he won't smarten himself up to get one. Every time I see him, he's bitching because xxx place has turned him down, or he want to an interview at yyy and they never got back to him.

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ilovesooty · 07/02/2016 16:40

I think if I were forced to choose I'd sooner be smelly than ill natured.

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LotsOfShoes · 07/02/2016 16:41

Yabu! Don't say anything, what you wrote is just cruel. His family already knows, it's not your place to set him straight.
Equally, you don't have to hang out with your friends' relatives. If you don't want him to come, tell your friend that. But don't be nasty to him. He sounds like he might have some mental health problems.

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Adeleslostbeehive · 07/02/2016 16:42

Everyone has said yabu OP

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Headmelt · 07/02/2016 16:45

Just arrive a little early and when you see the brother looking all scruffy, say something along the lines of 'oh lucky I'm so early, df's brother, you have time to have a wash/shower before we go. Stick on the kettle df and we'll have a quick cuppa while we're waiting'.

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WeAllHaveWings · 07/02/2016 16:45

You approach is too blunt, potentially harmful and all about you with absolutely no thought for your friend or her db.

I would sensitively try to raise it with your friend that you are concerned about him and ask if they have considered depression and tell her you are there to talk to or help.. If you're not capable of that compassion then butt out.

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willowsummers · 07/02/2016 16:47

Well, I did wonder if you might be one of my friends.

If you are, my brother really can't help it - sorry!

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BeaufortBelle · 07/02/2016 16:50

How about taking your friend for a coffee and politely bringing up her brother's appearance in a nice way. "I've noticed John has been a bit unkempt and the interviewer at my place of work remarked on it saying that it had gone against him at interview but otherwise he seemed like a nice man". And then perhaps add, "is John coping as well as you do as you are both on your own? Do you think he might be depressed and might need to go to the doctor?, I think sometimes when people close to us are unwell it can creep up and we don't notice".

You know, be kind and supportive and constructive. How sad for them that they have no parents - must be awfully hard to have no-one to nurture you.

Please don't tell him his a scruffy, smelly sod; there's more underlying this than you are aware of. Might your friend advise you to work on your emotional intelligence do you think?