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AIBU?

To Tell DS's friend's Dad about this?

32 replies

CaptainCrunch · 07/02/2016 14:23

It's more of a WWYD.

DS (14) has been friends with this boy since they were 6 years old. They moved about 20 miles away from us 6 years ago as his Mum had a terminal illness and they needed a more suitable house, she died in 2011. This left his Dad with 3 boys under the age of 9. He's in the army so away a lot, they rely a lot on babysitters. Dad is now in a new relationship.

DS and friend have stayed in touch, weekend and holiday sleepovers, facetiming each other during termtime. They have a shared hobby and see each other on Saturdays for this.

I have always been very fond of the friend, he's a nice lad but a bit easily led and highly suggestible.

On New Years Eve he messaged DS to say that he'd persuaded the babysitter to let him have friends round. It got totally out of hand, about 30 people from his year at school turned up and basically trashed the house. The police were called. His Dad was incredibly upset and disappointed in him. His punishment was to be denied the hobby for a few weeks and have all his devices taken off him for a couple of weeks.

My DS was talking to him this week at the shared hobby and friend seems to think the whole thing was a bit of a laugh (might just be bravado). DS says he doesn't really like the way friend is acting, thinks the friendship might have run its course and is thinking of letting it peter out.

Here's my WWYD...friend mentioned that at the disastrous "party" one of the people there (aged 14) had brought and taken Ketamine. DS only told me this because he had no idea what Ketamine was and wanted me to explain it to him. He was shocked when I told him, especially as friend was laughing about it as if it was all a huge joke.

I feel so sorry that he's going down the wrong path, he's a really nice lad but is clearly mixing with a bad crowd. I don't know whether to mention it to his Dad or not as it could be a load of nonsense just to make DS feel like a "baby".

Please be gentle...I'm a bit shocked by all this and really don't know whether to keep my beak out or say something.

Sorry for long post.

OP posts:

Report

ThomasRichard · 07/02/2016 14:26

Yes I would definitely say something. It's not just a bit of high spirits, he's either taking or being around people taking dangerous illegal drugs.

GloriaHotcakes · 07/02/2016 14:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImperialBlether · 07/02/2016 14:30

Definitely and I'd encourage your son to let that friendship drift, too.

M00nUnit · 07/02/2016 14:32

Yes you need to tell the Dad. Absolutely.

CaptainCrunch · 07/02/2016 14:35

Thanks everyone. He's actually out of the country at the moment. Not sure how long for but will obviously have to wait until he's back before I can do this.

When he's away they're looked after by a variety of different people...usually agency nannies or babysitters so I can't involve them in it.

Just incase people are looking for an instant update to the thread I want to make it clear that I'm taking the advice on board but won't be able to do anything about it for now.

Thanks again.

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DustyBustle · 07/02/2016 14:37

I think you need to ask yourself, what if I don't say anything and something dreadful happens to the lad, what will I feel then?

acasualobserver · 07/02/2016 14:49

I don't think the boy's background makes it any more or less likely that his account is "a load of nonsense". Tell the father and let him decide.

MadamCroquette · 07/02/2016 14:50

God the poor boy, he has lost his mum, his dad is rarely there and he's at a really tough age - not anyone's fault but no wonder he's floundering. The laughing about it all and making light of this I would see as his way of covering up a situation that must have been really scary for him, with bravado. The poor dad too.

I would talk to the dad but I'd also be trying to do it gently and kindly - not shock horror at his behaviour, but suggesting he might be having a tough time and needs his dad around. There might be some way the dad could ask to switch to a more local job, given his circumstances?

Also take this opportunity to talk to your DS about drugs and have a look for some good online resources that will help him answer any questions he has.

CaptainCrunch · 07/02/2016 14:51

I wasn't suggesting anything about his background. Just that 14 year olds who are all bravado might be inclined to make stuff up to appear "cool" to someone they consider a bit naive.

OP posts:

What2 · 07/02/2016 14:53

I think if they are 14 then you have to say something. it's difficult though.

I have had this come up with my DC although they were older and I choose not to tell the parents. The kids were probably 16/17. I only had the say so of my kids ( who I trust) and don't know the other parents. It's happened numerous times at parties. Mostly Coke or pills and apparently not that much. The thing that stood out to me was that the DC involved were quiet studious, well behaved DC - you know, the type to have piano lessons Two of them have gone on to study medicine.
If something bad had happened then I imagine I would feel responsible but I didn't feel I wanted to say anything to their parents either. It's a tricky situation.

CaptainCrunch · 07/02/2016 14:54

Yes Madam. He really has, up to now, been a wonderful lad. I like him a lot and desperately want the best for him.

When he's hear he's very open and candid and says how much he enjoys our company. Lately he hasn't wanted to spend any time with us. I always tell him our door is ALWAYS open but he clearly wants to impress these twats from school.

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CaptainCrunch · 07/02/2016 14:55

Yes What2, it is difficult. Thanks.

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GernotMinke · 07/02/2016 14:55

How on earth is the dad going to keep his son on the right path if he's posted away from home and the boy is looked after by agency staff???

Hr would nbe safer in a boarding school wouldn't he?

MadamCroquette · 07/02/2016 14:58

You're right that the ketamine story itself might not be true OP; there's also the possibility that the person at the party did not really have ketamine, but said they did and this boy believed them. However it's also possible that it's true, and that would be a risk if the boy is still hanging out with those people.

Another thought, are there any other relatives, his mum's family, any grandparents etc.? It sounds like this boy really needs consistent support. But I can see maybe that's beyond your remit IYSWIM.

CaptainCrunch · 07/02/2016 15:08

He does have form for believing everything you tell him. He's come out with some corkers in our company and I've had to gently explain to him he's been had, hence my reluctance to instantly believe this part of the story and open a gigantic can of worms if it's not true. That said, he's still mixing with some awful people if they tell tales like this so either way it's probably not a bad idea to say something to his Dad.

There's no chance of his Dad getting more time at home, he got a massive amount of time off when his wife was terminally ill (it was a long drawn out process) and in the immediate aftermath of her death. He's got 4 years left till he can leave and get his pension, he's hanging on for that.

Help from grandparents isn't really an option. They live in another part of the country (400 miles away) and are pretty elderly.

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acasualobserver · 07/02/2016 15:10

14 year olds who are all bravado might be inclined to make stuff up to appear "cool" to someone they consider a bit naive

Yes, I agree. That's why I don't think this boy's personal history is relevant. It does, however, make up most of your OP. As I said before, I would leave it up to the father to decide whether he's telling the truth.

CaptainCrunch · 07/02/2016 15:13

It actually doesn't "make up most of my OP". It's one 4 line paragraph out of 10.

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Trumpette · 07/02/2016 15:16

It sounds like you care for this young lad so I would be inclined to tell his father. What he chooses to do with this is up to him but it sounds that his son is trying to get his father to take notice. I hope he handles it with sensitivity so as to keep his relationship with is son.

As for your son, I would be pleased that he has told you. This will not be the only time he comes in to contact with drugs unfortunately but he handled it well.

It is a tricky situation and I wish you luck xx

CaptainCrunch · 07/02/2016 15:20

Thanks Trumpette. I really do like him a lot and want the best for him. His Mum was one of the most wonderful people you could be blessed to know and there's a bit of me that feels responsible on her behalf to keep him safe.

I think you're also correct about "taking notice", that makes a lot of sense.

I was also happy my DS felt able to talk to me about it.

I appreciate your post.

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acasualobserver · 07/02/2016 15:21

We must be looking at different OPs!

CaptainCrunch · 07/02/2016 15:23

Er, ok..

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FairiesAreReal · 07/02/2016 15:36

His Mum was one of the most wonderful people you could be blessed to know and there's a bit of me that feels responsible on her behalf to keep him safe

Yes please tell his Dad and do all you can for him. The thought of my kids going off the rails if I died is unbearable

VoldysGoneMouldy · 07/02/2016 15:42

Yes, you need to say something.

Italiangreyhound · 07/02/2016 16:03

Yes, tell, you owe it to all concerned.

Please also advise the dad to see if the boys need more/any counselling for grief. Losing a mum as a teenager is very, very hard, I think for some reasons due to complex relationships it can sometimes hit boys especially hard, maybe because they feel the need to put brave face on it, not for any other biological reasons at all, of course. And perhaps sometimes girls have better support networks who may help them work through the grief.

My friend lost her mum at 11 and went off the rails over a number of years as a teenager. Quite major things that could be risky. In those days (40 years ago) there was little awareness about how to cope with grief.

Good luck, it looks like the family needs you and so even if your son and this boy's friendship has run its course, it may be that the dad needs a bit of support or at least the chance to tap into support that is there.

I expect they/ you know these links but if not....

www.cruse.org.uk/children/how-to-help

www.cruse.org.uk/about-bereavement/how-to-help

www.nhs.uk/Livewell/bereavement/Pages/children-bereavement.aspx

www.bereavementadvice.org/topics/coping-with-grief-and-bereavement-advice/bereavement-support-for-children

www.winstonswish.org.uk/

All the best.

CaptainCrunch · 07/02/2016 16:05

Thanks Italiangreyhound, very much appreciated.

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