To ask Dp to smoke ecig outside?

(31 Posts)
Peppatina Sun 07-Feb-16 08:38:37

Just that really. He says I am being very unreasonable.

Background: Both partner and I used to smoke. I went cold turkey and quit when we started ttc (2012) and he switched to an ecig tank.

I've asked partner a number of times if he would stop smoking it in small rooms with myself and dd in i.e. The living room, bedroom.

This is because I have noticed it makes my chest tighter and I've had to use my blue inhaler (asthma).

Last night he tried to smoke it in the bedroom with us again and I asked him not to. He went in a strop and said it was bollocks, that they are completely safe and don't emit anything but water so 'why should he believe me when I say it makes my chest worse'.

Well this morning I decided to look it up. Apparently according to the mirror, world health organisation and a couple of studies I've found it actually is safer than real smoke. BUT still increases background toxins in a room, possible carcinogens and isnt proven to be 'safe' just 'safer'.

I've told Dp this morning and he's really got one on him now. I won't be happy until I've stopped all his fun apparently. It's just the 'fucking internet' filling my head with rubbish.

So as not to drip feed this may be bringing up older issues. I have given Dp an ultimatum in the past, it was either the booze or me. I know, I know, ultimatums are a death knell for any relationship but I truly felt I had no choice and 100% meant it, we couldn't live like that anymore. He'd been very verbally abusive even infront of dd and had been scaring me, it got much worse during dd's pregnancy and afterwards. He wasn't 'just' drunk, he was regularly getting to the point of passing out and not remembering the things he had said or done.

This was spoiling his fun too of course.

I don't know anymore, is this me being a controlling kill joy?

I'm sat upstairs instead of going down because I just don't want the confrontation or sulky silent treatment right now, I'm 28 weeks pregnant so more likely to burst in to tears than argue.

Peppatina Sun 07-Feb-16 08:45:34

Ah bugger.

I am being aren't I?

dlwelly Sun 07-Feb-16 08:50:58

Yanbu. I don't trust the E cigs anyway (like you say there is nothing to say they're safe, just safer vs. smoking) but if they're making your chest hurt then clearly it's a problem.

He doesn't sound very compromising or particularly kind. It seems like there's a bigger problem than this one.

Scarydinosaurs Sun 07-Feb-16 08:53:57

I don't think you're being unreasonable. If they weren't a problem, you'd be able to smoke them in clubs/pubs/cinemas etc, but you can't. Because they're not 'just' water vapour. If it was 'just' water vapour, why would he want to smoke it anyway?? He knows that excuse is bollocks.

Do you think he has an addictive personality?

Peppatina Sun 07-Feb-16 08:55:32

Thank you, I'm not sure if this is something I should stick to my guns with or if it's just going to cause a lot of trouble.

I just don't think I can sit in a room with dd in that when I've read all this now.

Peppatina Sun 07-Feb-16 08:56:04

Definitely an addictive personality Scary.

NeedACleverNN Sun 07-Feb-16 08:57:06

Hmmm I let dh smoke his e-cig around the house as it doesn't bother me unlike normal smoking.

But I am not asthmatic. He is. His health has been much better since he started smoking his e-cig.

If it's genuinely bothering you then no yanbu.

However I do have to ask.....it's not all in your head is it? He has a smoke and you think it will affect you so it does? Sorry to ask

Sandyclaus Sun 07-Feb-16 08:59:46

Yanbu. I used to smoke and went cold turkey. Some of my friends smoke ecigs - but imo I don't think they are that different to real cigs. Yes they may be 'safer' but you're still inhaling something other than normal air, and sone of them smell quite strongly too.

Though many people wouldn't dream of lighting up a real cig indoors, ecigs seem to be acceptable - I don't know why.

Stick to your guns. Don't rise to petty comments about being controlling just request he goes outside.

Peppatina Sun 07-Feb-16 09:01:47

NeedACleverNN no I don't think it is ( but then I would say that wouldn't I!)

I didn't actual notice it until we were together for an hour plus in a small room together. I commented to him the first few times it happened as I hadn't had to use my inhaler for years butbot took quite a while for me to link the two.

ShutUpLegs Sun 07-Feb-16 09:02:20

Whatever is or isn't acceptable in public spaces, in your home, which is a shared space, you and your DD have every right to live in comfort. His need to smoke does not trump your need to breathe. He can easily smoke elsewhere and, in a true partnership, would do so without even questioning it. That is what respect and trust is all about. "Something I do has a negative impact on someone I love, therefore I find a way to stop it hurting them."

IF his default mode is that it is his right to smoke and drink to excess and he automatically defends his rights at your expense, that isn't the actions of a loving man.

Sorry OP.

Peppatina Sun 07-Feb-16 09:04:13

I used to think I was the opposite of controlling, very laid back. But now I'm so worried about being controlling I'm never sure if I'm in the right or not!

It's quite an old system and does produce a lot of visible vapour, you know when the sun shines in a room and you can see a layer? That might have something to do with it but he doesn't want to swap it.

Funinthesun15 Sun 07-Feb-16 09:04:35

*it's not all in your head is it? He has a smoke and you think it will affect you so it does? Sorry to ask

My DM has the same reaction to them aswell. She is also asthmatic.

YANBU.

Peppatina Sun 07-Feb-16 09:07:07

I now I'm confused.

I've come downstairs and he's made me a cup of tea! Has been lovely but not mentioned anything about the ecig.

I feel like if I bring it up again now calmly I'd still be starting an argument. I'm going to have to if he starts smoking it though aren't I?

Peppatina Sun 07-Feb-16 09:07:54

*Ok now I'm confused.

Jw35 Sun 07-Feb-16 09:11:22

I vape. I gave up at 20 year heavy smoking habit and I've been camping for 3.5 years. I'm very surprised it affects your chest! It shouldn't do! There aren't any chemicals in vapour. The nicotine in the vapour goes into the lining of the users mouth, the vapour that comes back out is just flavoured steam. There are only 3 ingredients in the liquids, glycerine, flavour and nicotine. So I'm confused! Then again if you're asthmatic then maybe even the steamy clouds cause you a tight chest? I don't know.

I don't think yabu if it genuinely is affecting your asthma but I wouldn't be at all concerned about 2nd hand vape in any other context.

I'm not surprised he's bothered though. Vamping is different Tom owing and you need to vape more to get the same results. My ecig is always in my hand! If I had to go outside id basically be going through nicotine withdrawal a lot of the time.

It would be better to find a compromise? Maybe he can vape in certain rooms but not all?

Jw35 Sun 07-Feb-16 09:12:17

*different to smoking
Bloody phone!

silversparrow Sun 07-Feb-16 09:15:25

YANBU

I use them, but didn't when pregnant and wouldn't have let anyone vape near me when pregnant or near DS. I don't go outside but I go in the bathroom with extractor fan on or near a window, and never in same room as DS. If DH said the vapour was making his chest tight I would go outside or stop.

He could easily smoke it outside or lean out of a window. Failing that could you designate a 'smoking room' eg his study, and air it regularly so rest of house stays vapour-free?

Peppatina Sun 07-Feb-16 09:19:21

It would be fairly difficult downstairs as all we have is an open kitchen and living room, it's only a small terraced house.

I'm pretty sure it isn't all in my head. Trust me I hate confrontation, makes me feel sick. But I'm really sure the two are linked.

I don't think it can be psychological because I didn't link the two things up at first, and it definitely physically affects me.

I guess I could be wrong?

Peppatina Sun 07-Feb-16 10:57:23

Ah well, looks like it was a pointless question anyway.

He's got no intention of stopping using it inside.

boopsy Sun 07-Feb-16 11:04:07

Yabu its just water vapour. You will get more chemicals in your living space from cleaning products, air fresheners, washing detergent on clothes and whenever you open windows and doors traffic fumes, airbourne pesticides etc will come in. Even new carpets and furniture give off certain fumes! Vape is the least of your worries tbh.

Peppatina Sun 07-Feb-16 11:12:01

Boopsy I was worried because apparently it isn't just water vapour?

Did that get disproved then?

Admittedly the articles and studies were from 2014/2015 so might not be up to date.

But apparently who had said there were toxins/nicotine/ possible carcinogens released, much less than cigarette smoke but still some.

As I said, doesn't matter. He doesn't care anyway.

GloopyGhoul Sun 07-Feb-16 11:13:41

I hate e-cigs. The smell turns my stomach, regardless of which "delicious" flavour it is. And I hate the holier-than-thou entitled attitude of the ignorant evangelists that use them.

boopsy Sun 07-Feb-16 11:33:54

I'm pretty sure its just water vapour, probably more carcinogens released from the steam on your tumble dryer with all the fabric chemicals. It is the tar in the second hand smoke of cigerettes which causes cancer. Nicotine is actually not that harmful but addictive hence why it is harmful in cigarettes which have the tar which causes cancer ( if that makes sense) I remember a doctor on tv saying its about as harmful as caffeine.

NeedACleverNN Sun 07-Feb-16 11:36:24

He's got no intention of stopping using it inside

Regardless of whether there is any concerns with the vapour or if it really does affect you or not, the above statement shows just how much respect he has for you and your home.

He is completely out of order!

Ginmakesitallok Sun 07-Feb-16 11:42:59

I've been vaping for 2 and a half years. As you say, evidence is that the vapour is much much safer than cigarettes, but it is NOT just steam. There is no public health reason to ban them indoors in public spaces, as there's no evidence for harm caused by passive vaping.

However, I think your dp is being an arse. If my vaping upset my dp then I wouldn't do it near him.

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