To say no to giving more money

(34 Posts)
mommy2ash Sat 06-Feb-16 18:05:47

I am lucky enough to have parents who help me out with childcare for after school while I work. My dd is nine and I also pay for after school care so she is finished at half three every day.

I finish work between half four and half six.

We have agreed a sum of money, I'm in Ireland so this isn't illegal. My dad however is constantly asking odd money and if I say no threatens to end childcare arrangements.

I work in a minimum wage job and struggle to make ends meet as it is so I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I can't afford a childminder, I can't afford to give more money but equally can't afford to say no and have my childcare taken away.

I've just looked at my credit card statement and have given an extra 200 euros in January than was agreed. I finally said no today as I'm not paid till Wednesday and I only have enough left to pay for after school club and food till then.

There has been a falling out now as I can't give money. I know I shouldn't rely on my parents and I'm very grateful for their help but the financial situation is getting out of control

VoldysGoneMouldy Sat 06-Feb-16 18:13:34

This sounds really fucked up. Is there any other option for childcare? I'd be distancing myself from them.

stitch10yearson Sat 06-Feb-16 18:16:12

This is very sad.

TubbyTabby Sat 06-Feb-16 18:17:05

Yeah this sounds pretty bad.
surely they're aware that you need money for food and other essentials?
why does he need more money?

NNalreadyinuse Sat 06-Feb-16 18:18:40

Your dad is exploiting you. Personally I dont think you should have to feel grateful when someone is providing you with a paid for service.
I wouldn't want him looking after my dc - it is horrible to essentially blackmail you. I would pay him less this month on account of the 200 euro he got overpaid last month and tell him this is a take it or leave it arrangement. I suspect he wont stop your child care because he needs you as much as you need him!

eosmum Sat 06-Feb-16 18:19:16

What does your mum think? A cm would probably be cheaper than what you are paying for afterschool, your parents and the extra your dad wants.

MardyGrave Sat 06-Feb-16 18:19:22

Would formal childcare work out cheaper than what you are paying your parents?

What reason do they give for requesting more money?

thenewaveragebear1983 Sat 06-Feb-16 18:19:37

What is the bill for? I used to pay my parents for their time childminding, I would give them a contribution for fuel (they live an hour away) for example. They would bill me for things they bought for me (eg if I asked them to take ds for a haircut or to get me a few bits from tesco) but if they took him out or bought him sweets etc it Was on them. They would let me know at the end of each month and we would pay. It sounds like you need a more formal arrangement. For example, you can't have them taking ds somewhere you couldn't afford yourself and then billing you.

PotatoQueen Sat 06-Feb-16 18:20:41

Sounds awful. I'd be ending the arrangement. If I was paying someone I'd rather be paying a professional. Why would one charge to spend time with their grandchild?

Arfarfanarf Sat 06-Feb-16 18:22:56

Youve told him if you give him more money you wont be able to feed your child and he doesnt care?

I think you need to find a way to remove them from childcare.

Can you change your hours so you are working while they are at school? Long shot i know, school hours jobs are like hens teeth!

Or perhaps a reciprocal arrangement with another parent? Or set up a childcare swap group with several parents? Those groups can often work well.

TheToys Sat 06-Feb-16 18:24:38

I wonder if he feels somehow aggrieved and unhappy about being tied up in this arrangement, so feels like he should get more money for the trouble. I would ask him about that outright, present the facts as they are and say that you cannot pay more unless you feed your children (his grandchildren) less. See what he says and take it from there.

SecretNutellaFix Sat 06-Feb-16 18:30:20

How much did you agree to pay?

that extra 200 euro is equivelant to an extra ten euro per weekday on top of what you already give.

HanYOLO Sat 06-Feb-16 18:32:50

What arf said

Does your mum know he is threatening you like this?

WhereYouLeftIt Sat 06-Feb-16 18:33:55

You're paying for after-school club - what hours does that cover? What hours do your parents cover?

mommy2ash Sat 06-Feb-16 18:38:00

We agreed 50 euro a week. The extra money doesn't cover anything for my dd. they don't bring her anywhere and her school is right across the road.

The money is for cigarettes and going to the pub.

I looked into childcare but I couldn't afford it and the people I got in contact with couldn't cover my hours as I don't finish till half six every third week.

I really feel caught between a rock and a hard place. The worst is it's my mum that actually minds my dd and she is fine with it. My dad is the type who rules the roost and what he says goes

MrsH1989 Sat 06-Feb-16 18:41:41

Childcare for 15 hours a week surely isn't as much as you are paying with all the extras he is bullying you into? Here is is about £5/6.5 euro an hour. 15 hours a week would cost around 100 Euro a week so 400 a month. You are paying half of that in "extras". I would look into a minder 2/3 days a week. You can reduce what you pay parents and perhaps your dad would feel less put out by the arrangements. You are also in a place to call his bluff if he makes any threats as you may be able to increase her hours with childminder once she is in there.

Arfarfanarf Sat 06-Feb-16 18:42:22

So your dad is happy for your child to be hungry so he gets a pint and a packet of fags?

Nice man.

Chippednailvarnish Sat 06-Feb-16 18:42:53

What happens if you refuse to pay? Would they really stop looking after her? What does your mum think?

Arfarfanarf Sat 06-Feb-16 18:44:04

What about a childcare student or other local (responsible) 18/19 yr old who might be happy to pick up a few quid?

MrsH1989 Sat 06-Feb-16 18:46:53

x post...
If is your mum that minds then the arrangement is nothing to do with him. Say no, he won't do anything. And speak to your mum. She probably has no idea he is being an ass.

Fluffycloudland77 Sat 06-Feb-16 18:48:11

No advice but he's being horrible to you, I don't think he would stop childcare though.

If he did he'd lose all the money. I don't think he would want that.

OzzieFem Sat 06-Feb-16 18:51:08

I would contact social services and double check you are receiving all the benefits you are entitled too. Does the father of your child pay maintenance? If so, perhaps you could get him to contribute more.

Pseudo341 Sat 06-Feb-16 18:54:53

So your Mum's the one doing the childcare but your Dad's the one demanding money? How exactly is he going to withdraw childcare when he's not the one providing it? Give the agreed 50 euros a week directly to your mum and don't discuss money with him any further. He sounds like a thoroughly nasty man.

mommy2ash Sat 06-Feb-16 18:59:34

I was quoted between 7-9 euro an hour but my later shift or school holidays couldn't be accommodated.

My mum knows what he is like. She is one who phoned me to ask for money for him. I don't think he would long term stop childminding but would make me miss work for a few days to prove a point.

It usually works ok but sometimes he gets greedy and doesn't want to live within his means. He has never been good with money and thinks it's ok for him to spend all his money on luxuries and everyone else should have money to give him

mommy2ash Sat 06-Feb-16 19:02:49

If my dad said no my mum wouldn't provide childcare. My dad is they type who puts more energy into looking like he is doing something rather than actually doing it. He would tell others he minds her every day but the reality is it's my mum who does it. Plus she is nine she just needs to be picked up from school and for a responsible adult to be somewhere in the house. She doesn't need to be minded so much

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