Right, I think I am up to some honesty! Having a bit of a tough time and am aware that I may not be perceiving things rationally.
Background - best friend of 20 years; lives very near, god mothers to each other's children, shared holidays etc. Close but not in each other's pockets.
My mum is terminally ill. (That is hard to type) Only one possible treatment through major surgery. Went to a regional specialist centre two hours away from home two weeks ago for surgery to be performed. Risk that she may not survive the surgery. In the event, she very nearly didn't; had a cardiac arrest, very unstable and they decided not to proceed. So now nothing else can be done. All a shock and quite traumatic seeing someone you love deteriorate and suffer. Stressful supporting my distraught dad.
Mum is known to best friend well. On the day of the unsuccessful surgery I texted her an update. Prior to this she hadn't shown much support or interest in how mum was. The reply I received was 'what a disappointment'. I have heard nothing since. No text, phone call, knock at the door.
So: aibu for having unrealistic expectations of her? Is it my responsibility to reach out to her?
Or is she being unkind? Through her lack of contact all I can assume is that she doesn't care. What might I have overlooked?
I am a bit wobbly emotionally and trying to carry on working (in caring profession so giving to others) while keeping things on a level for my kids and traveling to see mum every other day so friend's needs aren't at the top of my list at the moment.
Just need perspective cos I feel angry and a bit hurt.
AIBU?
Mum terminally ill and no contact from best friend
MrsPatrickDempsey · 06/02/2016 17:59
''From personal experience I have discovered that those who I considered my closest friends were not those who came through for me in hard times.''
Yes, i'll second this
for you OP. And best wishes for your mum.
. Sending you love and support, so sorry to hear about your lovely mum.
With your friend it could be one of 2 things. Your friend could be one of those people who just doesn't know what to say to people in times of need, and is phobic of unintentionally through nerves saying the wrong thing
Or it could be that at the darkest hour. You find out who your "Friends" are.
I have also sadly been in a similar situation and was so shocked at how poorly I was treated by "friends" I had been close to for over thirty years.
I got more sympathy and support from virtual strangers than I did from so called close friends. I am still reeling from it to be honest and I have totally reevaluated my circle of friends as a result.
There are no words that can take your pain away but all I can say is I understand.
I think yanbu to feel like this.
Sending
I lost my db 4 weeks ago. I think some people just genuinely don't know how to react, but it's not up to you to reach out to her. I'd send the odd text to update her, but if she doesn't respond or offer help then I'd add her to the ex friend list.
Yanbu, sorry about your mum
I can't think of any excuse good enough that she can't take a few seconds to spare. You find your true friends in your dark moments. She's not really a good friend.
So sorry your mum is so poorly, op
Just a thought, has your friend lost her mum or dad? I have I and find it hard to be supportive to others for some reason I can't put my finger on. I absolutely FEEL deeply sad for them but can't seem to communicate it. Maybe it's too close for comfort.
Totally agree with others experiences on here. When my dad died last year I had two close friends (seperate to each other) go totally awol and haven't heard anything since. It's really strange. But people who were just acquaintances have stepped forward and become closer so that's been nice. Some people just can't deal with death and sad things OP, but all they need to do is let you know they're thinking of you. Sorry about your mum
YANBU OP and I'm so sorry about your poor Mum.
I lost my Mum just under 2 years ago,my bestfriend was brilliant,my parents were very close to her and had known her since she was 3 years old,so for 35 years nearly.
My Mum's bestfriend was bloody awful!She didn't see my Mum for ages before she passed away,didn't go and see her in hospital,nothing.
Yet she turned up at the funeral and sat near my Dad so me,my DH and our DC couldn't and since the funeral she's not bothered to speak to my Dad,see how's he doing nothing and he's been rushed into hospital 3 times and we nearly lost him.
Yet if she was ill my Mum would go and visit her,helped out with her children,helped out with her job,helped her with money,she even lived with my parents for a while and my Mum helped her when her husband left her and when she was loosing her home.She was about 20 years younger than my Mum and in good health as well,so there really was no excuse.
I can't forgive her for the way she's behaved and I never will.
I think sadly like other posters have said it can be times like this that you really see those that are there for you and those that aren't.
I know I was really surprised by some of the people that really went out of they're way to contact us and to help.Those people honestly made up for what my Mum's bestfriend was like.
I hope you have lots of support around you from people that love both you and your Mum and please try and be kind to yourself and do whatever you need to do to help you through [hugs]
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.