To not want my DPs son to move in.

(318 Posts)
livedtotellthetale Thu 04-Feb-16 14:14:36

A bit of background my partner moved in with me and dds over two years ago, it is my 2 bed housing association flat he contributes towards the rent and bills. DD1 and DD2 both now away at university.
DP has a DS who is 18 nearly 19 who lives with his mum, DS has always been welcome and sometimes stays at the flat got a nice Sofa bed for that reason and sleeps in the dds room when they are away at uni, DP also spends time with his DS at his home as his mum goes away some weekends we all get on ok.

We do have different parenting ways I think that they smother DS and baby him and pander to him but thats their choice none of my business I know DP hasn't liked some of my parenting in the past.

Now DPs ex is thinking about moving 200 miles away great job opportunity and partner in that area, his DS will not want to move and its been suggested that he moves in with us as dds are away alot at Uni so he can have their room, but thats the problem it is my dds room all though away at uni its still their home to come back too when ever they want need too they have gone no contact with there dad so its just me.

Also I like his DS but he is not working or studying and seems to be drifting and his mum and dad seem to be enabling this again none of my business but my DDS are at Uni and working part time jobs to support themselves so I find it difficult to understand why they are just letting him drift along.

I have got used to having our home for me and DP most of the time walking around naked if I feel like it and just having me to think about if I dont want to cook I dont I think its my time to enjoy myself and not have to worry about teenagers.

I have spoken to Dp about my feelings he thinks I am being unreasonable he says he will pay more towards the rent I just feel I cant do it because of the reasons above.

yankeecandle4 Thu 04-Feb-16 14:19:59

He hasn't even moved in and you are already resenting the situation. It is your flat/house, make it clear that you would not let your dd's live there unless they were working/studying/job seeking. If he has a problem with it then suggest he gets his own place with his son nearby. YANBU.

stayathomegardener Thu 04-Feb-16 14:20:33

What would happen when your DD's are home from uni in the holidays?

TitClash Thu 04-Feb-16 14:21:05

I dont think yabu; to me it feels like your DD is being displaced. Just because she is away at uni doesnt mean her room is up for grabs. And I'd be worried about an 18 year old not in education or work.
What are his plans? Why is he still living at home and not looking for a house share?

KondosSecretJunkRoom Thu 04-Feb-16 14:22:36

I think you are both being reasonable <sits on fence> but of course there's not much compromise between the two positions. Either you or your dp will have to choose to put up with the other's decision or break up.

RudeElf Thu 04-Feb-16 14:23:19

Solution would be for DP to move out and get him and dSS a place together.

HermioneJeanGranger Thu 04-Feb-16 14:24:41

It's not just OP's house, though. It's the DP's house too. He lives there and helps OP with bills and rent.

I don't think you can move in with someone who has a child (adult child or otherwise) and treat their children differently to your own. If your DC's get to have a home, why is your DP's son not being given the same treatment?

Surely he can stay in your DD's room during term, and sleep on the sofa bed during the holidays - or your DC can share for a few weeks during the holidays.

I don't think it's fair to say your DD's have a home but your DP's son doesn't have the same. They're all adults, so you need to treat them all equally.

Gobbolino6 Thu 04-Feb-16 14:25:35

I can see both your arguments. I too would be very unhappy with an 18/19yo not doing anything productive at all.

LaurieFairyCake Thu 04-Feb-16 14:26:04

I would let him only if it's agreed that he moves out when they come back from uni.

What happens if they want to come back for a weekend?

I strongly suspect he will start to see it as 'his' room.

The alternative is to move out and get a 3 bed so he has his own room and you've still got one for the girls.

redexpat Thu 04-Feb-16 14:26:08

I knew a few people at uni whose parents changed "their" room whilst they were away. They usually felt not welcome, and your uni accommodation isnt a home. It also meant that they were broke as they had to pay rent in the holidays.

If i were in your shoes and was feeling generous I would allow him to stay until the next uni break.

Arfarfanarf Thu 04-Feb-16 14:26:57

I think if you're going to feel resentful it's probably not a good idea. Whether it is 'reasonable' or not really is a matter of personal opinion and it sounds like you'd find it hard to not feel frustrated that he was doing nothing and you'd struggle to not feel guilty that your daughters no longer had a room in your home.

Of course, it's likely to cause problems with your partner because obviously it's his son, he loves him, so there's the impact on your relationship to consider. But it's going to have an impact on your relationship if you say ok to something you're not happy with because you feel guilty.

Or you could perhaps compromise and say he can stay there for three months and in that time he needs to find a flat or bedsit? you could say he can stay there but he must do his share of cleaning etc? Or it could be a condition that he looks for work and contributes to the household?

You don't have to cook for him. He's an adult and he can cook for himself.

You probably would have to wear clothes grin

But at the end of the day, your name is on the tenancy agreement and you don't have to have anyone living there you don't want to. it's just a case of picking the option that you can best live with. Because either way it's going to impact your life and your relationship.

whois Thu 04-Feb-16 14:28:59

He can't move in, your DDs need their room during Christmas, Easter and summer holidays and when they come back to visit!

KondosSecretJunkRoom Thu 04-Feb-16 14:30:08

You probably would have to wear clothes

Maybe not, perhaps spending a lot of time cooking nekkid could be your passive aggression solution.

Primaryteach87 Thu 04-Feb-16 14:34:57

I think your dp is being unreasonable. Your daughters haven't left home, they are temporarily away studying but will be back for months at a time. Could you rent somewhere with three bedrooms together? I agree that DSS not working or studying isn't helpful for him, but that's probably not the crucial issue. The reality is you have no space for him!

molyholy Thu 04-Feb-16 14:42:18

If it is a social housing flat, 5 adults, living in a 2 bedroom house, would be classed as overcrowding. Unless of course he would be living there 'unofficially', which could actually lead to your tenancy agreement being revoked.

I would look at your tenancy agreement. Is your DP on the tenancy, or is it solely in your name?

ThumbWitchesAbroad Thu 04-Feb-16 14:43:28

Your DP Is BU. It is your DDs' home and if your DP's DS moves in, he will be taking over your DDs' bedroom, which isn't on IMO.

As others have said, what happens if they come home for a weekend? Is the son going to sleep on the sofa? He's not going to want to live longterm in a girly bedroom either, he's going to want to change it, to say nothing of having his stuff littering the place.

A 2 bed flat is not the place to have potentially 5 adults living in it. So I agree with PPs that his best option is to either find a lodging for his DS, or to move out of yours and get his own flat with a room for his DS. Absolutely not on to effectively "unhome" your DDs in favour of his DS.

livedtotellthetale Thu 04-Feb-16 14:45:02

I dont think we can afford to move out and rent a 3 bedroom also before Dp moved in I spent a fair amount money on the flat also after a long time moving about in rentals this felt like mine and dds first proper home after a lot of upheaval, Maybe Dp will have to move out and live with his son till he thinks he is ready to not live with a parent.

3WiseWomen Thu 04-Feb-16 14:45:32

If the children were younger, let's say 14~15yo ish rather than over18yo, would you find it normal for your dss to move in with his dad?

I'm guessing nthat the issue is the 'not doing a lot' and 'not having a part time job' rather than him moving in as such.

If you do agree for him to move him, you need to make it a family decision (ie involve your dds in the process)

SouthWesterlyWinds Thu 04-Feb-16 14:45:47

Could you afford the rent and bills by yourself again if your DP moves out? Then theres the solution.

whois Thu 04-Feb-16 14:46:44

Absolutely you need to put yourself and your DDs first here. Be careful he doesn't move his son in my stealth 'oh just the weekend...'

coffeeisnectar Thu 04-Feb-16 14:47:29

I agree that him moving in is not a great idea unless you can move somewhere bigger and he gets off his arse and gets a job to pay his way. Five adults in a two bed place is just not going to work.

livedtotellthetale Thu 04-Feb-16 14:49:02

Its just my name on the tenancy although they do know that DP moved in. I dont know the solution just that things were meant to be getting easier now the DCS are older not harder.

AlwaysHopeful1 Thu 04-Feb-16 14:50:34

Yanbu, I would struggle to allow an 18yo with no intention of doing anything live with me when my own dds are behaving like adults. Besides its still their home to come to over holidays. Your dp Is just enabling this lay about nonsense.

KP86 Thu 04-Feb-16 14:51:02

At what point does 'my home' become 'our home' with DP?

I think it your DDs have somewhere to stay then so should his DS.

MitzyLeFrouf Thu 04-Feb-16 14:52:53

I wouldn't be thrilled at having an idle 18 year old move in with me.

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