To be disappointed about baby's sex?

(63 Posts)
hawaiibaby Wed 03-Feb-16 16:40:08

I am probably going to get flamed, but maybe it's what I need.

Am pregnant and found out today by accident that we are having a boy, we already have one DS.

I feel horrible and guilty to feel disappointed as I love the wriggly little baby inside me and of course the fact that it's a boy doesn't change that. I hadn't even realised how much I wanted a girl until today. I know we are so lucky to be able to have a second child and after fertility treatment and a loss, this pregnancy feels like a true miracle and if I was reading this as someone struggling, I would want to punch me very hard in the face. But yet, it is how I feel and I don't know if it's natural and something others have experienced or if I'm a monster bitch of the first variety.

I guess the way I found out wasn't very magical either, compared to if we found out at the birth like with DS or at a scan together it could have been totally different.

I know two brothers will be completely wonderful and on one hand I find myself welling up thinking about how lovely it will be in our noisy fun house full of boys; boys totally rock and I couldn't adore DS any more. I guess as this is our last, I am trying to come to terms with never having a daughter which is something I always imagined since I was young myself. I also had an awesome name in mind which we won't get to use now but we are both stuck for boys!

And as an aside, I told DH I know, he's not sure he wants to though - surely I can't keep this to myself now - can I?!

[Message from MNHQ - we've edited out a few details at the OP's request to make this thread less identifying].

Waltermittythesequel Wed 03-Feb-16 16:46:55

I know you can't help how you feel and I'm not the thread police but I always think these threads are in very poor taste, given the struggles you see daily on here.

I mean, what do you want people to say?

Nobody can tell you to stop being disappointed.

Waltermittythesequel Wed 03-Feb-16 16:47:28

Also, if you tell dh when he doesn't want to know that's pretty out of order.

charlottexox Wed 03-Feb-16 16:47:38

I think it's only natural to sometimes be disappointed by the sex of your baby. I am having my first 12 week scan on Monday - and I am HOPING for a little boy when I can find out the sex smile.
I don't think you will get pummelled for being slightly disappointed, I know my best friend wanted a little girl for her first baby, and ended up having a little boy.
Either way, like you said - it's amazing that you got pregnant after the heartache you have been through before, so enjoy your little boys.
Also, maybe if you want to have another one in the future it will be a girl eh wink? My dad has 3 girls and always wanted a son! But always said he wouldn't change his 3 girls for anything now.
Good luck, and I bet your son can't wait to be a big brother!
Also, I know it can be hard to keep it to yourself, I don't think I will be able to keep it to myself when I find out from my partner.
If your husband doesn't want to know, he might cave in one day and just be like ''right just tell me!'' haha.

thehillshaveyes Wed 03-Feb-16 16:50:38

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. The gender won't change how much you love your baby but you can't help feeling the way you feel. I remember feeling a strong preference when I was pregnant and I know I would have been 'disappointed' (there should be a better word for the feeling) if I'd had a different outcome. Don't feel guilty smile

hawaiibaby Wed 03-Feb-16 16:52:14

Waltermittythesequel I won't tell my H if he doesn't want me to, my question was surely it will be v, v hard to live together and plan for baby with one of us knowing and the other not. I posted this here and not in pregnancy because that wouldn't seem sensitive, but ultimately, I am feeling a bit alone in this - not even being able to talk to my husband atm - and thought a parenting forum was actually quite appropriate as others may have had similar experiences / feelings but thank you for answering.

MNetter15 Wed 03-Feb-16 16:53:24

You can't help how you feel, and once tou acknowledge how grateful you are for this baby, YANBU at all.

I'm guessing that it must also be a little odd seeing it written down, quite clinical. If you had waited until the birth to know, you probably wouldn't be 'disappointed' at all.

I think most of us had or have a preference, it's just something that we feel we can't possibly admit, even to ourselves.

WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant Wed 03-Feb-16 16:53:58

Blame the baby-hormones!

You still love the baby. And you can share more clothes and toys.

For dh, tell him you will alternate calling the baby he/she, so he can still get a surprise.

Mondays, its he.
Tuesdays, its she.
Etc...

PennyHasNoSurname Wed 03-Feb-16 16:54:56

I suppose your sadness isnt at having a second boy but at never having a girl. That is understandable.

But please try not to let yourself be overly upset by this. You are in a blessed position, having a second child.

BlueJug Wed 03-Feb-16 16:56:26

Don't worry - I felt exactly like this. I felt as if I'd been kicked. I was so sure DS was going to be a girl. DD wanted a sister, we had two bedrooms... I felt guilty for not wanting DS, like a bitch because it was my last shot and I hadn't thought it would happen and my SiL had recently lost a baby. But it was how I felt. I acknowledged it, kept it to myself, and waited.

But - he was born and I loved him totally absolutely completely.

Thereafter was glad I'd had a boy, one of each, lovely - so much to learn.

My DS is difficult as a teen but was an angel child. Wouldn't swap him for anything.

You feel how you feel. It'll be fine. Good luck

Sandbrook Wed 03-Feb-16 16:56:36

Your feelings are understandable if fertility is an issue and this may be your last child. You can't help wanting one of each if you can only have 2. I don't think you should be flamed for it, your baby will arrive and you will be delighted for his safe arrival.
I think you need to make peace with it and move on. Congrats

Frazzled2207 Wed 03-Feb-16 16:57:15

I wrote a similar thread when I found out my dc2 was going to be ds2. I was a tiny bit gutted but soon got over it, a good long while before he was born. Ds2 is now 8mo and I honestly wouldn't have it any other way.

Back then someone suggested that I separate out the "pleased to have another son" thing with the "never having a daughter" thing. That has been really helpful to me, and much as I adore my sons I've told myself it's ok to be disappointed to never be having a daughter, and have now come to terms with that.

Waltermittythesequel Wed 03-Feb-16 16:57:35

I'm probably a little over sensitive. My sister just miscarried and is very ill as a result.

That's not your fault and I don't want to make you think you can't post wherever you like.

flowers and luck with your pregnancy.

Biscuitsneeded Wed 03-Feb-16 17:01:23

Pretty much identical story here. Besotted with DS1, second pregnancy high risk for Downs, had amnio and accidentally saw genitalia during the scan as they didn't warn me to look away in time. Believe me it was still a very precious pregnancy after two MCs and there's no way I could have countenanced losing him, whatever his sex, but to find out when I wasn't expecting to, and to have to accept that I would never have a daughter, took a bit of getting used to. (I knew I wouldn't have any more babies). I don't think it's unreasonable to feel like this. 9 years down the line I can report that having 2 boys is absolutely bloody lovely. I'll always wonder what the daughter I might have had would have been like, but I feel very lucky to have my fabulous, loving, funny boys. It's fine to feel a bit disappointed, but I promise in the long run it won't matter at all.

caitlinohara Wed 03-Feb-16 17:04:20

Well, this happened to me too and I am SO glad I found out before he was born because I had the chance to deal with my feelings before he was born. Don't feel guilty, loads of people feel this way whether they admit it or not flowers

Pyjamaramadrama Wed 03-Feb-16 17:04:49

I'll be totally honest here, when I was pregnant with ds2 I desperately wanted another boy. I knew it was wrong to feel like that and I don't even know why I did. I knew in my heart that I was so lucky to be pregnant.

I was so worried how I'd feel if it were a girl, then I was worried that I could never love another child as much as ds1.

He was a boy so I got my wish, but now he's here I feel certain that it wouldn't have mattered to me what sex he was. All my worries seem so insignificant now.

I think it's because we have stereotypical ideas about what a boy/girl will be like.

FedoraTheExplora Wed 03-Feb-16 17:07:06

YANBU, both me and DP reallllly wanted a boy. I think we both felt a tiny little bit disappointed when we heard DD was a girl..

But as soon as the baby arrives all of that disappointment goes and you wonder how you could have ever been so mad as to wish for anyone different than your perfect little bub! When he's here, there's no way you'll want to change him for all the tea in China! Be kind to yourself, you're allowed to feel whatever you feel thanks

RedToothBrush Wed 03-Feb-16 17:11:47

Are you disappointed by the fact that its a boy, or grieving for the fact that you might never had a girl?

Somehow this might change the future you have or had envisaged.

I decided to only ever have one child, and this put me in a weird position before DS was born; I would always be disappointed one way or another for the life I had imagined I might have.

This does not take away anything for the life I now have. I wouldn't change it for the world. I think perhaps its more reality becoming real and letting go of all those 'what if' dreams one way or another.

Its only a problem, if months after your DS is born, you still resent the fact that he is a boy, struggle to love him and want to change things.

hambo Wed 03-Feb-16 17:12:33

I think your feelings are normal - and you will adore him when he arrives and having two of the same sex is much easier I think...Also, I found out the sex of my second child and DH didn't want to know, so for 6 months I kept it a secret from him and from eveyone!!

Cachareltastic Wed 03-Feb-16 17:14:59

Last night I dreamt that I had a baby boy, was crushed this morning when I realised that it was a dream and TTC wasn't succesful.

However you cant help how you feel but try to turn this into a positive? Look around you at brothers? Don't tell anyone else that its a boy and enjoy the reveal? Go and buy the cutest new born boy sleepsuit and keep it hidden in your handbag, when these negative feelings surface sneak off and give it a cuddle?

Lordofmyflies Wed 03-Feb-16 17:15:01

Again, a similar story. I had DS and really wanted a girl however saw boys' genitalia on the scan. 7 years on and I am so glad of my 2 boys - they have a wonderful brotherly bond and and are truely best friends. They share activities and friendship groups and I think it does make life easier from a practical point.

acasualobserver Wed 03-Feb-16 17:16:31

Perhaps s/he will be gender fluid and you will get your wish?

stopfuckingshoutingatme Wed 03-Feb-16 17:20:35

what Pyjamaramadrama saiod, I SO wanted a 2nd boy that I did not even have the sex test as I knew I would have been gutted if the baby was a girl

but once you are passed that squirming baby, you don't care!

I did actually get a 2nd boy, but now- had he been a girl I would have been happy

YANBY, and I avoided a gender test for this very reason

Iwonderif Wed 03-Feb-16 17:20:52

It'll all be different when he's here. Don't be hard on yourself. Your post does kinda grate on me but you were expecting it weren't you? I'm not going to flame you but I am going to say please try to get the whole wanting a girl thing out of your head as when baby boy arrives, safe and healthy you then may tend to feel guilt for feeling this way at 33 weeks instead of thinking "yay all is going ok as it should be" you want to be drinking in every bit of wonderment and joy when you first meet him instead of thinking what you felt when he was still inside you.

Pregnancy and birth and what our bodies are capable of doing is truly a miracle. You know this though, deep down. Keep hold of this thought.

yankeecandle4 Wed 03-Feb-16 17:23:32

YANBU OP as we are not in control of how we feel. When I was having dc3 I was convinced it was a boy. (I had one of each already) It wasn't that I yearned for a boy over a girl, but I just had a very strong feeling early on and referred to "him" by his name. I had similar instincts in my previous pregnancies that were correct and I assumed that I was this time too. I was so sure I announced to the sonographer "It's a boy, isn't it" blush to which she said it is 100% a girl. For a split second it was as if my baby boy had died. I cannot articulate the strange feeling I had in my gut. We aren't in control of these things. Anyway I came around very quickly and all was well.

I do think it is better that you know now rather than having that split second disappointment at the birth. Congrats OP, things will be fine. I wouldn't enjoy having to keep a secret like that though!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now