to tell DH I have changed my mind?

(88 Posts)
DimlowChips Mon 01-Feb-16 18:27:02

I have never been a maternal person, in fact, it has been a running joke that DH and I would never have children. A few years ago however, something happened and I became obsessed with becoming pregnant. We were blessed with a gorgeous little boy after 12 months of trying.

I had agreed with DH that I would only take 6 months mat leave as I love my work and he hates his. This way we would live on my earnings (salary plus dividends from my business) and he would raise DC as a SAHD. This has always been the plan: I go back to work and he quits his job.

The problem is I don't think I can go back when my mat leave ends.... Every time I think about leaving this little guy I actually cry real tears of sadness. Do I actually ask DH to keep doing a job he despises so I can stay home with our son after promising him he could quit?

There is no way he would be able to find another job that would cover our outgoings as he is well paid for doing what he does.... I am so torn!

Dreamonastar Mon 01-Feb-16 18:30:34

I think I'd stick to your original plan in your shoes.

MadisonMontgomery Mon 01-Feb-16 18:32:43

Could you try & compromise - could either/both of you go part time?

MadameJosephine Mon 01-Feb-16 18:33:34

Could you both work part time and share the childcare equally?

petalsandstars Mon 01-Feb-16 18:33:36

How old is baby now? By 12 months you might like the break. By 18 months or 2 years work may be a welcome change of hot coffee and toilet visits by yourself.

Could you take a year's maternity instead? Then both cut hours perhaps?

PoundingTheStreets Mon 01-Feb-16 18:34:45

I think you need to talk about it with your DH.

He may not want to be a SAHD next year and be relieved you've had a change of heart.

He may not want to continue working in his current role but may be happy to continue working as long as he can change roles.

HE may be happy to entertain a compromise where you work part-time only but this allows him to change to a job he can tolerate but with lower wages.

It's not an either/or choice, but you can't make the decision unilaterally. If you want to remain a family, you absolutely have to tell your DH how you feel and discuss it from there.

Veritat Mon 01-Feb-16 18:36:13

Stick with the original plan. You'll cope with being out for the day once you get over the initial hurdle and will get back your enjoyment of what you liked before - indeed, you'll positively enjoy some things like the freedom to eat lunch without being interrupted. The reality is that you'll still have a lot of time with your ds.

chantico Mon 01-Feb-16 18:37:29

Well, you're going to have to tell him and then the two of you find a way ahead.

But yes, it is unfair to expect him to continue in a job he 'despises' when he's been expecting (and looking forward to?) being a SAHP. If he continues to work full time, then it's only fair he seeks a job he enjoys as much as you enjoy yours. Yes, that may well mean dealing with less money, but his wellbeing has a value all of its own.

If you both want to be SAHPs, then both part-time seems the pragmatic way.

Valentine2 Mon 01-Feb-16 18:38:10

Don't do it. It will break his heart. I know what you are feeling but this is not a mere change of decision in my eyes. If I were your DH, I would be gutted as hell. Can you try and mention it in an off hand manner <squeezes her eyes shut>

Fairenuff Mon 01-Feb-16 18:40:23

It would be extremely unfair to go back on what you both agreed. Let your dh be the SAHD and by the evening he will relish a break whilst you spend time with your baby.

CoffeeCoffeeAndLotsOfIt Mon 01-Feb-16 18:44:51

I was crying at thought of leaving my ds when I returned to work. I'd been off 13 months in total. But, as soon as I returned I enjoyed being Coffee again and not just ds's mummy. And you get to have a lunch break and go to the loo by yourself!

HermioneJeanGranger Mon 01-Feb-16 18:45:26

Can't you both work part-time, or work around each other to save childcare costs?

yorkshapudding Mon 01-Feb-16 18:45:35

I don't think I could ask my DH to do a job I knew he "despised" so I could stay at home but that's not to say you shouldn't.
I agree a compromise of you both reducing your hours might work but you need to discuss this with DH and be prepared for him to be gutted initially. As someone who knows what it's like to be truly miserable at work, I imagine that it would be pretty crushing to spend all that time thinking the end was in sight, then find out the plan has changed.

BackforGood Mon 01-Feb-16 18:48:00

When you are at home, and the baby is tiny, some people think they could never, ever leave them. I think a lot of Mums dread the idea of going back to work, but actually find the reality isn't nearly so bad.

By all means investigate part time work with your employers, but I think you would be completely unfair to go back on the plan unless dh has also completely changed his mind.

HairySubject Mon 01-Feb-16 18:54:01

I would say talk to your husband and both go part time.

Fedup21 Mon 01-Feb-16 18:55:49

Talk to him!

VoldysGoneMouldy Mon 01-Feb-16 18:59:41

Speak to him.

rookiemere Mon 01-Feb-16 19:01:06

How old is your DS? It is really hard to think about going back to work when they are so young and tiny.

I'd opt for trying some compromises as others have said :

- Firstly financially do you need to go back at 6 months? I thought that's when I'd go back as well, but ended up staying off until DS was 11 months at which point I was keen to get some adult interaction and earn some money.

-Could you/both of you work p/t? Even doing 4 days a week makes a difference and in some companies you could maybe do compressed hours meaning you wouldn't lose salary but still have a day with your DS

When I went back to work I told myself I'd try it for 6 months before making any significant decisions. Helped me to get through any wobbles, and there were a few.

I'm not sure how to express this but being back at work without having to do pick ups/drop offs, knowing your DS is being cared for properly at home, hopefully not having much in the way of domestic chores as well as working - well it doesn't sound too bad to me.

AutumnLeavesArePretty Mon 01-Feb-16 19:17:19

That would be a deal breaker for me, if somebody expected me to work a job I hated so they could sit at home all day they'd be shown the door.

You had an agreement, to change it now would be awful. If you feel awful leaving your baby imagine how he will feel after watching you have six months and finally getting close to his turn to be told no chance. Who does that to their partner?

You could ask for a compromise so you both work part time if you can survive on that.

TheCarpenter Mon 01-Feb-16 19:22:28

I think you should stick to the agreement. I went back after 3 weeks and split it 50/50 with DH. It's hard at times and great at others.

You can't just block one parent from having some SAHP time by refusing to go back and saying you've changed your mind.

TeddTess Mon 01-Feb-16 19:23:17

Most people feel like this but in reality returning to work is fine once over the initial feeling - especially when you are leaving him not in a nursery/nanny but with your dh at home.

In your shoes i would stick to the original plan, see how it goes then make a decision later. You don't have to commit to "forever", just "for now".

FFTransform Mon 01-Feb-16 19:24:13

Another point of view: I live in a country where there is a big emphasis on the father taking the leave and it is really good for the fathers and their role in the family, they seem more hands on and engaged than those in the uk and take more responsibility rather than being directed by the mum (obviously this is a generalization - there are excellent and crap parents everywhere!)

But think of it not from your or dh's point of view but from dc, why can't they have a chance to have lots of time with each parent :-)

mamaneedsamojito Mon 01-Feb-16 19:26:00

I cried at the thought of going back to work when DS was 12mo. I actually burst into tears when I got the job offer. The first two weeks are hard but it settles after that and I enjoy the balance (and the money) now. Try it and see how you get on. You can rethink if you hate it after a couple of months.

GabiSolis Mon 01-Feb-16 19:26:49

I really don't think you can go back on the agreement. It would be so unfair for your DH and potentially cause an irreparable rift in your relationship. You may be able to find a compromise though, perhaps you could both work part time?

museumum Mon 01-Feb-16 19:28:32

There are only two morally reasonable choices here - either you stick to the original agreement or you compromise and both go part time.

Think how you'd feel looking your dh in the eye when he got home from the job he hates and you tell him all the wonderful things you've done with ds that he's missed out on sad

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