AIBU regarding my step sister's wedding?

(62 Posts)
Cardboxed Mon 01-Feb-16 15:07:47

I'll start by saying I probably am BU because everyone has the right and ability to do whatever they want with their wedding.

I met my step sister when we were around 10yo. Her dad and my mum went on to get married and we all moved in together. I'm an only child and she has 2 older sisters so for me, at the time I was very excited to have siblings. As we were the same age we pretty much had the same interests and lived in each other's pockets. I never regarded them as 'other' or 'step' to me they were my family.

My AIBU: this summer my step sister is getting married but she's only asked her 2 sisters to be bridesmaids. Not me. I am invited but I do feel very upset that I'm not one of the bridesmaids. I know I'll get over it and I should be happy for her but its made me wonder if all these years maybe she regarded me as not one of her 'real' siblings?

PosieReturningParker Mon 01-Feb-16 15:09:06

YANBU to feel very very upset. This is deliberate action and therefore she will have thought about how you'd feel and totally ignored it.

YakTriangle Mon 01-Feb-16 15:10:02

I think most people would find that hurtful. Is there any reason why she would think you wouldn't be able to commit to the job, like you having DC when the other sisters haven't, etc? Have your mum and stepdad said anything about it?

LagunaBubbles Mon 01-Feb-16 15:16:50

What do your Mum and Step-Dad think of this? YANBU, you can be happy for someone and still be upset about this.

Bluecheese22 Mon 01-Feb-16 15:20:39

I would be really hurt too. Does she have (step)sisters on her mum's side too? If so could that be the reason?

ZiggyFartdust Mon 01-Feb-16 15:26:50

Most people don't regard step siblings in the same way as actual siblings, there is nothing strange about that. Your parents married each other, and not when you were tiny either. You don't have any siblings to compare the relationship to, whereas she does.
There is nothing wrong with step siblings who are very close and see the relationship as the same as siblings. But neither is there anything wrong with not seeing it in that way.

There are going to be loads of people telling you (unfairly) what an utter bitch she is though.

StillDrSethHazlittMD Mon 01-Feb-16 15:31:48

Unfortunately, this is how life often goes. We have our friends and they tend to form groups, like concentric circles with us in the middle. Our closest friends are the circle nearest to us, then there are not quite so good friends in the next circle, good acquaintances in the next circle and so on. We sometimes assume that the people we have in our closest circle automatically have us in their closest circle. But it isn't always the case.

It can also be the same for family, blood or otherwise. It is just how it is.

I'm with Ziggy but you are allowed to feel a bit sad about it.

Cardboxed Mon 01-Feb-16 15:35:39

She only has 2 directly related sisters and not much family on her mum's side. I wouldn't be so upset were it any of my older 2 step sisters. I was just thinking that as she and I grew up together and were so close that I'd definitely be in the bridesmaid line-up. So now I find myself thinking maybe I understood our whole relationship wrongly and she's always seen me as not really that close to her. There hasn't even been any drama, fallout or an issue so I can't put it down to that and as a family we had our ups and downs like most families do regardless of relations.

I haven't spoken to my mother or stepdad about it as I don't know how I'd word it without sounding like a petulant child or like I'm raining on her parade. They're obviously both invited and as I am also invited I think maybe the issue is with me - it's not like she snubbed me for the entire thing. I don't know, I just feel really shitty about the whole thing. If I were getting married she'd be number one on my list of bridesmaids.

riverboat1 Mon 01-Feb-16 15:36:44

Does she have other bridesmaids as well as her 2 sisters?

She may just be trying to keep bridesmaid numbers down via simple delineations.

ExConstance Mon 01-Feb-16 15:37:23

Maybe she wanted two for symmetry in the photographs?

LemonySmithit Mon 01-Feb-16 15:38:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Daisy2016 Mon 01-Feb-16 15:43:35

Where will she be on the day of the wedding do you think? Possibly if she's with her mother at her mums house does she think it'll be awkward to have you there? Doesn't excuse it but maybe she's thought about everyone and maybe it's awkward for her mothers side of the family to have you included within bridesmaid squad. I understand why you're sad. Try to not think of it as snub. If you get on you get on. There may be another reason.

notonyurjellybellynelly Mon 01-Feb-16 15:48:15

Ive no idea what to make of it all but I just wanted to acknowledge your upset and to say you have every right to be finding this hard to take.

Cardboxed Mon 01-Feb-16 15:50:08

We sometimes assume that the people we have in our closest circle automatically have us in their closest circle. But it isn't always the case

Exactly this StillDrSethHazlittMD

Cheby Mon 01-Feb-16 15:51:07

I didn't ask my step sister to be a bridesmaid, but then we are not close at all and we lived in separate houses as children. I think in this situation YANBU and your step sister is being more than a little bit mean.

Cardboxed Mon 01-Feb-16 15:55:54

riverboat1 No other bridesmaids at the moment, unless she changes the plan as wedding developments continue.

Daisy2016 I don't know where she'll be on wedding day but I strongly doubt there'd be a clash between me being there with her mother. We've all got along very well for 20+ years so if anything everyone's looking forward to the wedding to all see each other again. There's been no acrimony to my knowledge about her father marrying my mother and so forth.

LaContessaDiPlump Mon 01-Feb-16 15:58:55

You lived together from the age of 10 shock that gives you a fairly solid basis of shared family life to my mind, op - more than enough to be considered sisters.

Is there a big age gap between her and the other sisters? Do you think she may be trying to build closer ties with them, to the extent that she's deliberately excluded you so it's just them together? Or she may just view them a bit like mum figures and be desperate for their approval. Do they get on with you, or are they close to you at all? Is it possible that they'd said to her that it would be nice to be all sisters together (i.e. just them three) at the wedding and so you were excluded due to their lack of closeness with you?

I don't know her reasoning but I do sympathise with you thanks

Badders123 Mon 01-Feb-16 15:59:18

Could her mother be unhappy about you being one of the main wedding party?
<clutches at straws>
No idea.
Yanbu to be hurt.

ZiggyFartdust Mon 01-Feb-16 16:00:58

Parents met when OP was ten, I'm guessing it was later they lived together?
And really its not for anyone else to decide who a person should consider their sister, you can't possibly tell someone that.

stopfuckingshoutingatme Mon 01-Feb-16 16:01:35

We sometimes assume that the people we have in our closest circle automatically have us in their closest circle. But it isn't always the case

THIS. well now you know OP. Its ever so hurtful, but recall that other people DO care about you, and have you in their heart.

I would be inclined to distance myself a bit after this- you know where you stand- and it hurt you a lot. You can have a civil relationship thereafter but after someone has hurt you like this I would distance myself somewhat and not allow them an opportunity to hurt me again.

Have you discussed with your Mum, curious what she thinks?

notonyurjellybellynelly Mon 01-Feb-16 16:02:04

*Could her mother be unhappy about you being one of the main wedding party?
<clutches at straws>
No idea.
Yanbu to be hurt.*

I think this could be an occasion where a mum could get all territorial about 'real' family.

MidnightAura Mon 01-Feb-16 16:06:30

I don't think yabu. I have step siblings and while I wouldn't have them in my bridal party because I've only met them once or twice, your situation sounds very different.

chelle792 Mon 01-Feb-16 16:07:56

Step relations are difficult. I invited my step siblings to my wedding. They accepted so I asked if my niece wanted to do a reading at the ceremony. All was planned. They never turned up. My step dad was fuming. I was gutted. I only had 20 people invited to my ceremony and they were taking up 4 places. I wish I had invited friends instead tbh.

She may have complications with her mother possibly?

Badders123 Mon 01-Feb-16 16:08:50

Ime some people - usually pleasant, normal people - turn into monsters when weddings and funerals involved.
Don't know why.
I nearly cancelled my wedding due to my mil. She is a nice woman. But when Dh and I were planning our wedding she turned into a mad harpy from hell.

Cardboxed Mon 01-Feb-16 16:12:54

LaContessaDiPlump Our age gap with the older 2 is 3 and 5 years respectively. I do get along with them fine. Even when I was younger I can't recall ever feeling like they had a clique that excluded me. It was all very typical sisterly stuff. We argued and fought and made up a few hours later, they thought we were uncool and so forth. I just have always felt very close to the step sister in question. Wrongly so I now realise.

stopfuckingshoutingatme I haven't mentioned this to my mum. I said upthread that I wouldn't know how to word it without sounding like a petulant child.

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