to be pissed off with the cards I've been dealt.

(77 Posts)
FlowersAndShit Mon 01-Feb-16 15:05:03

I'm just sat here crying, what could've been. I just want some friends, a loving partner and children. I've been a hermit for half of my life (I'm 25) and I just don't seem to fit in anywhere. I'm quiet and odd. I dislike men, have had years of therapy. I have a dysfunctional family and i'm highly likely to be barren.

All of my peers are now settling into good careers or have had children, got married. It's all I want and it hurts like fuck to not have a single friend to talk to or go for coffee with.

I spent all of my teens as a hermit, taking overdoses and wishing I was dead. I've forced myself to try to change things and can now catch the bus into town to go to the anxiety coffee group with other women. I was hoping I could make a good friend but we don't have much in common as the women there are old enough to be my mum. I have text one of them but not heard back.

I feel like my life is some sort of shit joke and I'm constantly faced with obstacles every step of the way. I've realised that even if I get better, I will still be at a disadvantage when applying for things like jobs - as I've never had one and have fuck all to put on my CV. Employers will ask what I've been doing since leaving school at 16 and I won't be able to answer them.

I don't want to try anymore, i'll have to find a way to be content with my life as it is because I just can't deal with all of the disappointment of life.

Life is all about luck and I don't have any

Fingeronthebutton Mon 01-Feb-16 15:11:07

Dear Flower. I didn't want to read and run. I find your post unbelievable sad for someone of your age. I hope someone comes along soon who can give you advice.

Sunnybitch Mon 01-Feb-16 15:12:36

Life isn't about luck flowers life is what you make of it.

What about volunteering somewhere like a small animal shelter or something, to help you build up you confidence a bit. Is there anything your interested in like photography or something? And how about doing some free online courses...

HermioneJeanGranger Mon 01-Feb-16 15:18:16

Have you tried joining evening classes or doing some volunteer work? Maybe if you posted your general area someone who lives there could suggest something?

flowers

I used to think like you, but life really is what you make it. If you're not happy with your situation, change it.

SnuffleGruntSnorter Mon 01-Feb-16 15:19:02

I quite often get called 'lucky' but actually I've worked damn hard to improve what were initially pretty shit circumstances.

Stop comparing yourself to others, you'll always see a distorted view because everyone hides their own failings - it's human nature to want to appear your best to others.

As sunny suggests, find the first tiny step to improving your own 'luck' and work really, really hard at it. Please don't give up!

GreatFuckability Mon 01-Feb-16 15:23:27

in an ideal word what kind of job would you like to do?

Life does hand out shit cards to some of us, but we also have the power to make the best of what we have, and giving in to the doubts that plague you isn't going to make you content.

OutWithTheDogs Mon 01-Feb-16 15:25:05

Thats a sad post. I'm not surprised you are feeling down.

You are still so young, it would be sad to write yourself off so early in life.
Unfortunately there is no magic wand that can make this all ok but I'm sure you must have the power to do something even if it's only tiny little changes.

Having something positive to focus on can only be a good thing - diet, exercise, church (?), volunteer work, education, even a pet - whatever it is that works for you.

Nothing will change quickly but if you are patient and persevere then maybe it will.

It's brilliant that you have gone to anxiety groups and that you messaged someone. It's a shame she hasn't replied but don't let that put you off. I've loads of friends of all different ages. Don't give up on the meetings. Friendships take time.

There are no simple answers though.

Good luck.

bessiebumptious2 Mon 01-Feb-16 15:40:31

Just to echo what pps have said about doing voluntary work. There are myriad opportunities to do as much or as little as you like/can and very often, it opens other doors (this is where 'luck' appears to show its hand!).

For example, if you are an animal lover there are opportunities to walk dogs during the day at rescue centres. Many of the poor dogs in rescue centres don't get walked from one day to another and the centres generally have a safe field, or safe path, for you to walk them. You'd be making a big difference to their lives.

That's just an example, but there are so many people who need help in small ways that you would soon find yourself with a purpose, and something to put on your CV too! It starts with small steps...

bessiebumptious2 Mon 01-Feb-16 15:42:07

Oh, and rescue dogs really don't mind if you're a bit "quiet and odd"!! They'll still give you love and affection grin

Papergirl1968 Mon 01-Feb-16 15:52:50

Hi flowers, if it's any comfort, I felt similar to you in my mid 20s. My 30s were much happier. It felt like it took me till then to "find myself."
Totally agree with the advice re hobbies and voluntary work. Maybe look for a college course - art, cookery, massage, creative writing, a foreign language, whatever floats your boat. They often do taster sessions over a few weeks. Also go to your GP if you haven't already done so. You may need anti depressants.
I felt desperately lonely in my 20s, and just different to everyone else. But slowly I've gained a good circle of friends, mainly through work.
Im now in my 40s and I never met my Mr Right but I adopted two children as a single person, so there are other roads to motherhood. But adoption isn't for everyone and it's a difficult journey, so don't go down that route till you're more resilient. All I'm saying is its something to consider in a few years, if you want children. In the meantime could you consider getting a cat or a dog? They give you a reason to get up in a morning, are wonderful company and are very therapeutic.
You are so young. Don't give up on life. It will get better, I promise.
Xxx

FadedRed Mon 01-Feb-16 15:53:08

flowers Flowers sorry to hear life has been so difficult so far, but agree with pp's that comparisons are unhelpful. Lots of people 'are putting on an act' just to get on with life, but after a while this can become reality.
Agree that volunteering can really help, both with your psychological well being, learning skills and gaining experience for your CV, and gaining confidence in yourself by fo casing on what you can do rather than what you can't.
I would suggest British Red Cross as a good organisation for volunteering. They have many different volunteer roles, (not just first aid) and are good and training and support. Have a look at their website for ideas. You can also change the type of volunteering as you gain self confidence, if you wish.
Start making you own luck. smile

abbieanders Mon 01-Feb-16 15:56:19

Please talk to your gp. You're very young and despite how you feel today, you have everything ahead of you. Just call to make an appointment today and even print what you've said here and hand it over for them to read. I'm sure they can help you find the help you need to move to a better place.

MyAutumnAlmanac Mon 01-Feb-16 15:56:40

You know that quote "Comparison is the thief of joy"? I can't remember who said it (Roosevelt, maybe?), but I think it's one of the truest things anyone ever said.
When people have a certain mindset (which many of us do for long periods of time), all we see are the ways in which people's lives are "better" than our own. We (people) tend to be quite blind to all other people's suffering, so our own seems greater. Especially when feeling low and self-focused (by which I do NOT mean selfish), as it seems you are at the moment.

You can get away from the pain of comparison by stopping comparing your situation with others who have what you want, and focusing on the ways you are, relatively speaking, "lucky" in relation to other people (although this risks developing a kind of schadenfreude).
Or (and this seems to me the more fundamental and lasting "solution") you can try to step away from comparisons altogether. Start noticing that how you (we, people) compare with others is just a mind pattern, and largely meaningless. Or, as others have suggested, direct your mind to helping to relieve the suffering of others (e.g., by volunteering).

As for "odd and quiet"... that describes a lot of my very favourite people. smile

I hope things ease up for you soon, OP flowers

Xmasbaby11 Mon 01-Feb-16 16:12:15

I'm sorry you feel like crap. You are right to feel unlucky, as life is definitely not fair. It doesn't feel like it at the moment, but you do have the power to change it.

You say your peers are settling down, but at 25 it's likely they are still in bad jobs or relationships. Many are still living with their parents because of the cost of housing. I'm not downplaying how you feel, but 25 is an age when most people are still working towards what they want. When I was 25 I didn't have a very good job and I was broke and had no boyfriend. I was a long way off from that. I didn't have a long term boyfriend until I met DH at 30. And I didn't hate men, they just didn't find me very attractive. So I know what it is like to be lonely.

If you don't have a job, try to structure your day so that you don't have too much time to think. Go for walks, the library, exercise, study - anything that provides you with a focus. It takes time to make friends and relationships and if you are feeling low and vulnerable, it's not the best time. As others have said, volunteer at something you're interested in. Focus on ways you can make yourself employable. Getting a job will both fill your time and give you self esteem.

Good luck.

Pseudo341 Mon 01-Feb-16 16:14:24

I had pretty bad depression from mid teens to early twenties. I remember I used to wonder what it was like to feel normal, how everyone else felt, it had been so long I couldn't remember. I'm now late thirties, happily married with a couple of kids. Unfortunately I'm ended up disabled which currently is preventing me from working but I'm actually really happy with my life, I never thought I'd end up doing so well.

You honestly can turn this around, you have most of your life still ahead of you, so much can still change. You've clearly got motivation to do something about it, it's a question of doing the right things. Try to get some exercise if you can, it can really help with the chemicals in your brain. I have quite a few friends who've taken up running, there's a really satisfying rhythm to it apparently which helps with your frame of mind as well as the lovely brain chemicals.

I'm not sure that an anxiety group is necessarily the place to start, anxiety isn't the most useful thing to have in common to try to start a conversation. Try to find something you're interested in and want to talk about with like minded people. If you're struggling with face to face contact then get some practice on a hobby interest forum where you've got time to think about what you want to say first. Conversation skills get better with practice.

Yes a lot of life is about luck, but also a lot is down to you. Get some professional help, depression is so much less of a stigma than it was, I know quite a few people on long term antidepressants who are doing well on them. Please don't give up on happiness, you have your youth and I suspect your health, that's two amazing assets right there.

LetsSplashMummy Mon 01-Feb-16 16:15:32

When I was 22 I was very seriously ill in hospital, facing 2 years of hospital, rehabilitation and repeated surgery. I moaned one day to the doctor: "why me," and he simply said "why not you?" It was what I needed to hear. Life isn't about the cards you get but what you do with them.

With hindsight I can see it as a great experience as it stopped me comparing myself to anyone else (they haven't had the same things to overcome) and not judging people if I don't know the full story. Life is so much less stressful than for some of my peers.

I also think you do need a better perspective, you still have more potential than a lot of people - you are young and healthy. If I were you, after visiting the GP, I would apply for a retail job (or volunteer in a charity shop) to work on my social skills in a fairly prescriptive way (ie you are told what to say to some degree) and to make friends. Then I would do a couple of college courses and improve my education. Small steps but there is really nothing stopping you, maybe it is harder than for some people, but not impossible.

StormHenry Mon 01-Feb-16 16:26:07

I can relate to some of what you have said. We are even the same age! I had been wondering about posting something similar myself. I've namechanged as I think some people who know me in real life are on here smile

I don't feel like I fit in anywhere either. I have a few friends but they have moved away for university or new jobs. I am not desperately sad about it, I am quite happy in my own company, but it would be nice to have a few friends nearby smile

I have tried to join local groups/classes. I have met some lovely people but like you mentioned, they are all a lot older than me. I know people can be friends with an age gap, but they tend to treat me like a daughter or even granddaughter rather than as a peer. There are a few people nearer my age at one class, but we haven't really clicked yet. I struggle a lot with small talk. I never know what to say and end up saying nothing or oversharing. I am trying really hard with that.

It is great that you are going to the anxiety group. That must be a big step after all you've been through. I think it's good to have social contact even if the people don't turn out to be friends.

You have had a horrible start in life, by the sound of it. You can still be happy and have all those things you want. I know it sometimes feels like we have wasted lots of time, but 25 is still very young. You have plenty of time to meet someone and have a family, even if you cannot become pregnant there are other solutions. But first you need to work on your confidence and being happy in your own skin. That sounds cliched but it's true.

You haven't been lucky so far, but that doesn't mean you cannot be happy in the future.

I wish I had something more helpful to say flowers please PM me if you want to chat in private.

blankmind Mon 01-Feb-16 16:36:25

There's some great advice already OP.

Have you heard of practising gratitude? It's a fancy term for letting yourself concentrate on the good things, not the negative ones, so you can slowly begin to nurture a more positive outlook.

For example, are you able to go for a walk? If so, you could then think along the lines of 'I am grateful that my body is fit enough to go for a walk. Outside the fresh air nourishes me, the sun gives me vitamin D to nourish me, the more I walk regularly, the fitter my body becomes'.

Even if it's just a trudge to the local shop, how you perceive it does matter. You can choose to think it's a chore, or you can choose to see something positive whilst you do the same thing. The walk doesn't change, but your attitude towards it does.

Also, practising mindfulness may help to concentrate your outlook on a more pleasant situation.

OnlyLovers Mon 01-Feb-16 17:02:29

I've forced myself to try to change things and can now catch the bus into town to go to the anxiety coffee group with other women.

That's an achievement of which you can be proud.

As for everything else: what do you love? What makes you smiee when you think about it? Is it an area that you could find voluntary work in? Meaningful work that you enjoy for its own sake would help you to feel more engaged with things. And you'd almost certainly meet people through it.

thanks

FlowersAndShit Mon 01-Feb-16 17:09:41

Thank you all. I'm just tired of trying and failing to have some sort of life. It took a huge amount of courage for me to get the bus and attend a group - I enjoy going but I'm disappointed that I haven't really made a friend.

I just feel like no amount of effort on my part will change things. I don't have much in common with people my age which is another obstacle.

I don't drive but would like to volunteer at an animal shelter. It just all seems pointless and no amount of joining groups and volunteering will mean I will end up with a good group of friends or a family.

StormHenry Mon 01-Feb-16 17:18:02

No one can guarantee that those things will help you make friends. But not socialising at all will definitely not help you make friends. You can't make new friends if you don't meet people smile

I'm quite a cheerful person and I find myself naturally doing what blankmind mentions. E.g. If I'm walking along I'll be thinking "it's such a beautiful day, I love walking" that sort of thing. I think that's part of my problem, I'm quite happy in my own little world blush so I probably don't make enough effort to make friends.

Maybe you need to adjust your expectations a bit. You won't make your best friend ever on your first trip out or st the first group you join. Maybe if you just focus on getting to know new people and building up your confidence with leaving the house to start with. Then you won't be so disappointed.

If you've not been able to go out at all then you've possibly built up the experience in your head so that the reality couldn't match up.

You did a really brave thing and you should be proud of yourself. Please don't be put off trying again star

Corygal1 Mon 01-Feb-16 17:36:06

FLOWERS I think you're doing brilliantly - I've had anxiety and I know how much the trip to the coffee morning cost you.

Bloody Well Done, Love.

So right, where's your reward? Well, it'll be in the post. Thing is, when you start to do things, you get driven nuts by the lack of payback, not least because it's so much effort getting out & about - but you just have to keep plodding on and then something nice will happen.

People who say Life is What You Make It may be trying to be helpful, but sometimes that just isn't true. I mean, you didn't choose to have anxiety, for a start, and neither did I. But you have made massive steps to overcome it. And that's the real person you are. If you carry on, sooner or later things will start to perk up.

Have you tried volunteering? I know it's a bit of an old chestnut, but I do it and I love it. And I've made real friends out of it, which took a year or so.

Oh, and the other thing - most people are not as happy as they seem or tell you they are. They really aren't. The only route to success is to find something you like doing and plug away at it.

HermioneJeanGranger Mon 01-Feb-16 17:37:15

Whereabouts in the country are you, OP?

OnlyLovers Mon 01-Feb-16 17:40:38

Storm has some really good tips.

Look into volunteering at an animal shelter if that's something you'd like to do. You just don't know what might happen!

And you haven't met EVERYONE who's around your age; there are loads of people you've still to meet. Keep an open mind.

FlowersAndShit Mon 01-Feb-16 17:53:49

Thank you storm and corygal. I'm stuck in a rut and have little motivation - my world is so small and it's hard to seek out new things.

I don't drive and I don't think there is a bus route to the nearest animal shelter.

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