Left out of Birthday treat

[bornwithaplasticspoon]

Dd is 9 and in a group of 4 friends. They play at school and all do two clubs a week together. The parents take turns with the driving. It works well.

One of the girls has a birthday on Monday and is going to the local theatre on Saturday. Her mum said she could only take two friends. My dd was the one left out.

I realise people have different values but I would not have left one of the girls out. I'd have thought of something they could all do as they're such a tight group.

Dd shed some tears. We had a few crap days. In the end we arranged a nice day out, just the two of us and dd has accepted it. We bought Birthday girl a small token gift for £3 for dd to take into school on Monday to keep everything 'nice'.

Now, birthday girls mum has messaged me to say one of the other girls has an ear infection so can my dd go instead.

I'm inclined to say no (dd was so upset at being left out and so was I if I'm honest) but I can't as dd will be so excited.

So, AIBU to just give the £3 gift or should I now 'upgrade' the gift as dd has been 'upgraded'?

[PennyHasNoSurname]

I would want to decline on my dds behalf but the best thing to do is whatever makes your dd happiest.

Irrespective, id not upgrade the gift, and I would have to address it with the Mum. Not on a nasty way, more "Hi X, I totally understand theatre tickets are pricey and that you needed to restrict numbers but, understandably, DD was quite down about being the only one not going. We have since planned in a couple of nice things to do that day instead, but she can do whichever she would prefer. I will ask her this evening and see if she still fancies the theatre, could I confirm first thing in the morni g?"

[Potterwolfie]

I'd be honest with her and tell her how hurt your daughter was about being left out, and that you'd ask her if she wanted to go. Of course she'll likely say yes, and that's fine. I wouldn't worry about the present, it's the thought that counts.

[Throwingshade]

I wouldn't say that. Either accept or don't. I would accept. Jeez it really is true sometimes that parents can't take every child/friend on a trip or a party or whatever. It wasn't a snub, she explained it to you.

[voodoolooloo]

Crikey that's harsh . What does your DD want to do?
The poster above gives a brilliant response.
Mention how upset your child is. And then put the onus on your DD deciding.
Personally, part of me would want to decline the invite and tell them why, but I can run to petty!

[Throwingshade]

I can't believe everyone's suggesting you message this mum to say how upset the dd was!!

This will happen many, many times in different ways in her life.

You will make yourself look like a loon.

Fine if you want to say no, just say no. Or say yes. Please don't send her a text that will piss her off and she'll no doubt share with others. She wasn't being malicous, she explained she couldn't take all three!

[KyloRenNeedsTherapy]

I agree parents can't always take everyone but to leave one child out is a total no no in our house. Really unkind.

She could easily have found something to do that would include all 4 girls.

What a cow.

[Katenka]

Jesus. She was told to pick 2 friends to do what she wanted for her birthday.

What is wrong with that?

Or should the birthday girl only pick stuff that all her friends can go to?

Honestly parties make some parents insane.

In a group of friends some will be left out. Your dd may see them as a tight group of 4, the others may not.

If you don't want her to go them decline

[Babymamamama]

I would reply saying thanks but no thanks.

[nocabbageinmyeye]

No you can't always get invited to every party, I have said that from day 1 to my dd but I think a group of 4 is very different where one is left out, that is just mean. I'd decline personally and stick to the fun day you had planned. Second round invites are rude anyway but I think this one is extra shitty

[Katedotness1963]

I couldn't leave one out of a group of four. I think it's up to your daughter if she wants to go or not. I don't think you should say anything to the other mum either way. Just, yes please or no thank you, we made other plans for that day.

It stinks but every parent has been through this situation. My son was invited paint balling with the birthday boy. For three weeks he talked about nothing else and then the day before was told "mum says there's too many people, you can't come". Broke his heart!

[ElsaAintAsColdAsMe]

Either decline or accept. Don't tell her how upset your dd was.

If her dd wanted to go to a theatre for her birthday and she is restricted by money then no amount of guilt tripping will change that.

We don't all have unlimited funds.

[Psychmumma]

These are life's hard lessons- not easy being the one in the reserve list, but it happens. Leave it up to her to decide?

[KyloRenNeedsTherapy]

Surely it is up to us to teach our kids to be thoughtful? Being in a group of 4 friends who do everything together and then excluding one of those for a birthday treat is not thoughtful.

No wonder there are so many selfish adults in the world when we as parents teach our kids it's ok to be that unkind.

And no, u don't believe in whole class parties but when my DS had his party last year he wanted to invite 10 of the 12 boys in his class, and we said no. He changed his plans and invited all 12. It didn't kill him to do it but it taught him some life lessons in thinking of others.

[honeyroar]

If my child was in a group of 4 main friends I wouldn't pick a party that only three of the group could do. I'd have done the theatre with just family and had the three friends round for a play date and tea. However what's done is done. I'd accept and say DD will be delighted, and probably bite my lip to prevent myself from saying how upset she'd been at having been the one left out.

[KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes]

I'd turn it down. Your DD is a person with feelings, not a toy. She can't be kept 'in reserve'.

[RhiWrites]

I'd be tempted to message

"Sorry you've had a drop out but DD was upset to not be included in the first place so I don't want to reopen that by telling her she's your second choice."

[Gobbolino6]

I think she was very thoughtless to arrange this. I would want to decline, but I would ask my DD. I absolutely wouldn't change the present, nor would I raise the issue with the mum.

[tizzylittle]

Fair enough to tell your child to pick two friends for a birthday treat. Obviously she can't invite everyone.....but not in this case, where it's known their child is in a tight group of four friends, it's damn mean and nasty to leave one out. How bloody thoughtless. Personally, even though it's tempting to say no, I'd rise above it and let your DD go. I wouldn't bother upgrading the gift though.

[Floggingmolly]

She was a total arse to tell you why your dd suddenly had an invite - one of the real guests couldn't go and there was a ticket going to waste
I'd be very loath to accept, (in fact it would nearly kill me to) but then your dd will be disappointed twice over if you don't

[bornwithaplasticspoon]

Just to clarify - I have no intention of telling the mum dd was upset. Sorry if it sounded that way.

[Floggingmolly]

No reason not to; it was a spectacularly thoughtless thing for her to do.

[PicnicPie]

I'd rise above it and let your DD go because it'll make her happy. However I'd be wary of your DD being dropped again and encourage her to widen pool of friends so that there is less chance of this happening again and your DD being upset.

[MrsEricBana]

Hmmm, I think I'd just say sorry but we've made plans and not tell dd. Horrid to be second choice in this scenario.

[fuzzpig]

Tricky one.

I think if I was in that mum's situation I would prefer to invite only one friend, rather than 2 of 3 IYSWIM

I'd probably upgrade the gift, it's not the birthday girl's fault she had to choose, and it might be awkward for your DD when she opens it, compared to the other gifts

[NaiceVillageOfTheDammed]

I know in life we can't be invited/win/partipate in everything but when we're young it's a hard lesson to learn.

I'd decline the offer, and tell the other mum that you've already bought tickets/arranged something else (as DD wasn't originally invited).

A lesson to DD that you don't have to be someone's reserve.

Oh, and tell the mum you've already bought birthday girl something small and will bring it to school next week.